More than 10 years in the making.
Transitioning from middle school to high school can become difficult for teenagers. It was difficult for me.
But like any other depression phase in my life, the first depression phase came in a domino effect. One unfortunate event/bad news that falls into another bad situation to another.
The first depression phase occurred when my grandmother passed away. Losing a loved one is difficult and heartbreaking. As I was grieving that loss, my friendships unexpectedly began to diminish as well. My best friends at that time suddenly stopped talking to me or including me in their conversations. Then going into high school, I lost those friends. I spent more than half of my freshman year eating lunch by myself in a part of the school where no one went to, during lunch.
Years passed and during my senior year of high school, I was in my first real relationship. And needless to say, that breakup was hard on me and resulted in the second phase of depression. When he broke up with me, I was in my first year of college. My motivation to work began to diminish, I skipped class a lot and I would constantly lay in bed, not doing anything. And once I found out that my ex boyfriend immediately got a girlfriend after our breakup, I couldn’t handle it. That phase was my first thoughts about suicide and I kept on contemplating how to accomplish it. During that time, my family struggled financially and we had to sell our dream home. Additionally, I lost my financial aid and had to drop out of a university and go to community college
I don’t know what happened, but a couple of years after that break-up I felt fine. I wasn’t completely cured from depression, but I felt like life was moving forward.
That was when I met another person in my life. 8 months of “happiness”, I thought he was the cure to my depression (uhm no). Then a familiar occurrence happened in which he broke up with me, then soon got another girlfriend right after.
The fact that it happened twice, when a boyfriend broke up with me to become “single” but really wanted to be with another girl…it put me in a deep depression.
I began to become mentally ill and my body began to physically break down. I became fatigue, slightly anemic and lost a significant amount of weight.
One day, I had a major panic attack and decided that I needed some major help.
I went to see a therapist and during my first visit, I cried during the entire 30 minute appointment. At the same time, I went to see a psychiatrist that prescribed me Zoloft. After many appointments where my therapist tells me to “not think about my ex-boyfriend”, and many months of using Zoloft and not feeling any difference. I decided to stop going to professional health.
Life went on. My ex-boyfriend worked with me. I knew that if I was going to get better, I needed a new job. My friend helped me get a new job at an after school program. I worked there for 5 days and worked at the other job on Saturdays. Alongside, I had a full load of classes.
My whole college career is a different story, but it intertwines with my depression.
But let’s skip on to SDSU.
Once I found out that I got accepted to this school. My whole mindset changed. I was very fortunate to be at this school and it felt like I got a second chance in life. Because it was a dream of mine to walk across the stage and graduate from college.
I still had depression.
But school helped me so much. I was finally studying in a field that I grew an immense interest and passion for. I didn’t want to fail.
So whenever I had school, I would shift my mind from depression thoughts to focus on school. I was very motivated to learn, understand and it lead me to really good grades and Dean’s List. I had between 5-9 classes a semester, with over 150 hours worth of internship experience and working 15-20 hours a week. But, I didn’t give up.
Then the most amazing thing happened, I graduated from college 2 months ago.
It was the best day of my life and my dreams came true.
This time, I did not let depression stop or delay me from walking across that stage.
& now I’m here.
Post-grad 2 months later.
I don’t have school to distract my mind from depression. And work is only till 5pm and then I’m home and depression comes to me.
I always thought that depression came after bad events and circumstances happened to me. But, after the best day of my life of graduating, I find that depression can occur at any time.
I do not want to seek professional help anymore.
So, I am trying to find alternative ways to help me with depression.
It is difficult for me to tell others about my depression because there is so much negative perspectives about depression. I have heard that I am selfish, wanting attention, etc. I typically keep quiet about my depression, especially to my family.
This is a “journal”/journey of how I am trying to figure out ways to help with my depression without using any medication or professional help. Hopefully, this can help me and I really hope that this can help others suffering from depression too.
-Mel.
hello melmel 