The Forgotten Ones.

It sucks.

It sucks to be forgotten.

It sucks when you always things for others and don’t feel important when others don’t do the same thing back.

It sucks when you always work hard and others don’t recognize your accomplishments.

It sucks.

It sucks when you watch your family plan and implement all these surprises for your cousin who graduated college the same weekend as you graduated college.

& yet, when it’s your graduation. They don’t do the same for you.

Why?

I have been asking myself this for a little over 3 months. (and to be honest, it’s been bothering me and I have been crying about it ever since).

Why not me?

It takes so much time and effort to plan surprises for someone. I have seen and been involved in so many surprises for other family members.

Why not me?

The thing that sucks is that I knew that my family weren’t going to plan anything special for me because I heard so many surprises for my cousin.

I KNEW IT.  But I wish I didn’t believe what my mind was telling me.

Why are we forgotten?

The ones who do everything right, work hard, work hard until you pass out. The ones that will always give. Give even though they don’t have much. They want so much and you give so much, yet they forget about you.

& it sucks, especially when you have depression.

I don’t expect fireworks and huge surprises. I just want to feel like I am important to someone in my life.

(& I have experienced a pity invite or pity party before. Just because I let my feelings out, they want to feel better about themselves. I don’t want that, I hate that. )

It sucks to be forgotten.

Here’s to the forgotten ones.

-Mel

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Suggestion #2: Your Own Getaway

With everything happening to me lately, I have been getting a lot of panic attacks.

I have been really overwhelmed with everything from a horrible week of work, moving, going on vacation soon, my financial situation & not getting enough sleep.

I’ve broken down.

I found myself yesterday on the bathroom floor having a major panic attack. Not being able to breathe and curling myself into a ball.

When this happens, I make a quick getaway. (Luckily, I made my getaway plans 2 weeks in advance.)

Whenever I need to completely free my mind and be in a different environment, I go to Disneyland.
Disneyland is my getaway.

Disneyland is truly the happiest place on Earth.

I have been an Annual Passholder for about 7 years. And I have been an Annual Passholder for that long, just for one reason: TO ESCAPE

Some people escape their lives in different ways like drugs & alcohol. But that is not always the best choice for an escape.

Going to Disneyland for me is my escape because:

1. It is away from San Diego
2. I am transported into different areas through walking around the different lands and rides that make all my frustration and stress disappear
3. I am able to let all my frustration out by screaming on the rollercoasters
4. I am able to smile and laugh. No fake smiles and hiding any emotions
5. I am able to breathe knowing that I leave all my stress and worries behind in San Diego.

I don’t go to Disneyland often with my pass. Most likely I go once every 2-3 months to make my pass worth the money.

Not everyone can have Disneyland as their getaway.

Whenever I can’t make a trip to Disneyland, I escape locally. I typically go to a Starbucks or  Barnes & Nobles. The atmosphere is really calming and that is where I usually write in my journal, read and reflect.

Another local getaway here in San Diego would be the beach. Just sitting in the sand or on a bench while hearing the waves is a great getaway.

Wherever you find peace & comfort, make that your quick getaway to stop your life, reflect and breathe.

When things get too overwhelming and you feel like you are trapped in your problems and emotions….GO TO YOUR OWN GETAWAY.

-Mel

This.Is.Depression.

This is depression.

Depression is currently taking me on a lower level.

It’s telling me that I hate my life right now. Not the “teenager” version, where they just say shit because of their adolescent “imaginary audience” phase of life. It’s more of…

I don’t like my life right now.

I don’t like that I’m alone. Constantly alone. I wish I felt needed or wanted as much as I need others. 

I don’t like that I am constantly putting 100% effort into everything. And I get nothing from it.

I don’t like that I don’t get to live my life fully because some individuals in my life make me feel so guilty and take my weakness to their advantage. 

I don’t like my life right now.

I don’t like that I don’t get as much praise or appreciation as I give to others. 

I don’t like that I’m crying at this moment while I’m typing this.

I don’t like that I feel like I need to punch a wall or kick something because I am angry. Angry because I don’t like my life right now.

I don’t like that all my life, any individual who says “whenever you need someone to talk to, call me”….they don’t care. There have been many times when I have texted someone I needed them, they do one of the three things. 1. Don’t respond and when I text about something else, they respond quickly and forget about my depression situation. 2. Provide responses that don’t relate to my situation. 3. Stop talking to me completely. They don’t get depression, it’s a serious topic more than people know. 

I don’t like that I do get that “pity invite”, just so others could feel like a good person for one moment.

I don’t like that I’m stuck. I’m stuck living a life that I don’t like. I want to be on my own and challenge myself. But financially, I can’t do that right now and I don’t like it.

I don’t like that I am financially unstable. And some individuals still take advantage of me.

I don’t like that individuals that have not experienced depression or any other mental illness define it quickly to “they need professional help”. Sure, any online website can help tell symptoms of a depressed individual. Any mental illness is so much deeper than a list of symptoms. Sure, any therapist can clarify if you have any mental illness. They can prescribe drugs because they think that a drug can help you. Depression is deep. Deeper that anything a therapist will tell you. Any good therapist can dig deep into that depression. Mine just told me to “stop thinking about it”. That individual only dug up the surface of my depression. Therefore, I don’t seek “professional” help anymore. 

I don’t like that there is still so much stigma with depression.

I don’t like that I always have to pretend that I’m okay or content. I don’t like that I have to put up a fake emotion and pretend that everything is okay.
This. Is. Depression.
-Mel 

Suggestion #1: Anxiety Calming Glitter Jars

Calming Jar.

After doing some research on Pinterest, I found this pin very helpful.

I have been getting a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. And it has taken me awhile to calm down and breathe.

Somehow this mason jar filled with water, glitter glue and craft glitter helps me calm down at a faster rate than usual.

Just watching the glitter fall down from one end to the other helps me shift my focus onto the glitter. As I’ve used it more often, I found it very helpful to breathe in before turning the jar over. Then breathing out once the large amount of glitter start to separate and disappear to the bottom.

If you go on Pinterest & search “Calming Jar”, there are many types of calming jars that appear. But, I found this website & used it to make my own calming jar: http://untrainedhousewife.com/making-a-calm-jar

Hopefully this will be helpful to other individuals that have panic & anxiety attacks often.

-Mel