Month: October 2015
You can’t make people care about you.
This is something that has taken me almost 10 years to accept. I’m still in the process of trying to accept this.
Having depression comes with a mind full of bad thoughts & feelings that are floating around your mind.
It stays there. You keep it there and keep silent about it.
It stays there until you voice it out loud.
I have gone to many people about my “problems”.
I have heard many many times, “if you need me, just call or text me anytime”.
They don’t mean it.
There have been many times where I have thought about ending my life…where I have called and texted those individuals that say “if you need me, just call or text me anytime”….AND no response.
YOU CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU.
I had people ignore my texts about my “problems” and once I talk about something else, they immediately respond.
I had others just stop talking to me completely.
I had people say to me that I’m being “selfish” and that I need to “stop thinking about it”.
I had people BLAME me for my own problems.
I had people make jokes about my problems. I’ve listened to them many times and then once I speak up about my problems, its just jokes to poke fun at.
If I had a really bad day and my depression is so bad, I had people completely ignore me. Like I’m not there and I don’t exist.
I had people give me “advice” on depression. But they don’t understand. Depression can only be understood by people with depression.
I just wish I had one person. Just one person that can just be there for me 24/7. They don’t have to be there physically. But I just wish they could just say, “I don’t know what you’re going through. But, I will be there for you”.
If you know someone with depression, just be there for them. PLEASE.
Source: Art expressions
For the past couple of weeks, I have been in a deep depression.
There were times when I felt so deeply hurt, frustrated, sad and upset that I couldn’t find the words to express my feelings.
My mind has been all over the place. It keeps on bouncing from one thought to another. It has many different pathways on which area to focus on and then it switches to another pathway and it escalates from there. I could be fine one minute and then all of a sudden I find myself crying and can’t stop for minutes or even hours.
I felt so many things at one time. And so many thoughts kept on going around my mind that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I still can’t do it.
I recently watched one of my favorite movies “It’s kind of a funny story”. The main character’s art work gave me an idea to create a visual representation of my mind.
The left side is a visual representation of my brain. And the right side is a map of my head and my mind.
I wish I could tell you what it means. But like I said, I don’t have the words to express my feelings.
All I can do is create a visual representation of my mind, my thoughts and my feelings.
I don’t know.
I’m at a point in my depression where I don’t know what to do.
Depression has hit rock bottom.
This is probably the 3rd time in my life that it has hit rock bottom.
The worst part of hitting rock bottom, is NOT being at this point of depression. The worst part is trying to save yourself and try to find ways to make you feel better.
I keep on repeating to myself, “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE”.
The symptoms of Depression- Rock Bottom (for me) are:
- Fatigue: major fatigue. randomly taking naps. no energy at all.
- Not being able to enjoy the things that used to make me happy.
- CONSTANTLY BLAMING MYSELF. Even though it’s not my fault, I blame myself
- GIVING UP
- Crying…lots of crying.
- Panic attacks.
- Not wanting to talk as much and being quiet. (To the point where others start to question and worry about the quietness)
- Laying in bed all day.
- Getting mad at myself .
- Getting really upset and angry over the smallest things
- No appetite.
THIS IS REAL.
Depression sucks. I don’t want to feel this way. Why would anyone want to feel this way.
It sucks because I feel extremely lonely around rock bottom. I feel as if, people give up on me. They don’t want to “deal with me/depression”, so they ignore me.
When people give up on me, I give up on myself.
Depression is a real illness.