The Things That Are Never Said.

My mind is filled with so much thoughts that don’t make it to my mouth and are never said.

Therefore, the things that are never said just stay and float around in my head. But once more thoughts occupy my mind, it gets crowded and I get overwhelmed. Then it sometimes leads to anxiety and furthermore, I get a panic attack.

It doesn’t make me feel any better when thoughts just linger in my head. But at the same time, I can’t say those things to those people.

From all these lingering thoughts, some physical habits have formed. I bite my right thumb nail. I tap my fingers. I stare blankly at a certain spot, but I’m really going over every single thought in my head. I fix my hair over and over: from down, to down and all in one side, to bun and back to down again. I bite my bottom lip and at times, I give a little smirk when I’m in deep thought. When I’m nervous (such as a college presentation or an interview), I pace back and forth endlessly.

The things that are never said are the most important things that I need to say. 

I don’t know if it’s just me but sometimes I rehearse what I’m going to say in my head before I say it out loud. Because sometimes when I don’t think about what I’m going to say: I stutter, combine words together to make one work and say something I didn’t mean to say…then I regret it.

I’ve always been scared to tell people how I really feel because there have been times when: people have put me down, tell me I’m wrong, get mad at me or somehow turn it around and blame it on me. Or don’t talk to me.

I am constantly watching my words because I am always thinking about how others feel and how they would react to my words.

The Things That Are Never Said:

• I don’t want to be treated like a child. I’m 26 now, almost 27. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. I know what to do, it frustrates me when you tell me things that I know already. You know that I’m an organized, well-prepared and hardworking individual, just trust me.
• I don’t feel like we’re close anymore. I miss being able to talk to you on a daily basis and making plans to go somewhere. And sometimes I feel like you’re becoming closer to that other individual that you exclude me even more. And when we’re all in the same place together, you tend to go closer to that person more than me. I know that when it’s your next birthday, I’m going to lose you even more because I don’t go out.
• Just because you don’t want to be there does not mean that you need to stop working.  I don’t want to be here too, but I still get the job done. It’s even more frustrating because you’re in a position that’s above me.
• I lie and say I don’t think about you. But, I still do. Somehow you still come into my life in different ways and I hate it. I always wonder if you’re doing good and really do hope we can catch up sometime in life again.
• I’m always afraid of losing you in my life. I don’t have any friends really and I’m afraid that I’ll lose you. I just wish you knew how much you mean to me and wish that we would talk as much as we used to such as Skype calls and seeing each other often.
• Thank you. Thank you for always finding time for me, asking me to have lunch or just text me once in awhile. It’s good to know that at least one person cares enough to think about me.
• I have only worked with you for about 7 months and you know me so well already. You could tell so quickly how exhausted, distressed and frustrated I was this morning and you checked up on me so quickly. You have been placed into my life during these last 7 months for a reason. I would have not gone through all this shit at work without you. I am truly going to miss you when you transfer to your new position next week.

“ Isn’t it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most? ”

• Charles Lindbergh

 

-Mel

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Depression Vs. Reality

There are two sides of my thinking and my mind.

There is my depression side and my normal side.

Today was an example of how both sides of my mind clash with each other:

I didn’t get the job. 

A job that was perfect for me. A child development center that was less than 15 mins away, full time, full benefits and the type of curriculum that I want to teach as a teacher.

The interview was a group interview, my first one. It went well, and got some amazing feed back and even got a tour of the center. I felt way too good after the interview.

At the same time, I am getting more frustrated at work. Always picking up the weight of work when someone is late, doesn’t show up or does not do their job. Additionally, the long drive to work and having a split shift doesn’t make things easier. My job makes me more depressed because I do the same thing every day and I don’t get challenged or can use my knowledge to the fullest potential.

This morning at work was a perfect example of frustration turned to anger and exhaustion in one morning.

And then, I got the email…. and I didn’t get the job.

My immediate raw emotion was to cry. Cry a lot. Crying till it turned into a panic attack.

My depressed mind told me:

• I worked so hard and did so well at this interview
• I got my hopes up and I knew that I shouldn’t have.
• I shouldn’t have told anyone about it.
• You should of prepared more, you shouldn’t have said _____ and ____.
• You have to start all over again, apply, and interview.
• You still have to work at your current job that makes you so frustrated.

I haven’t had a bad panic attack like this in awhile. It was a true raw emotion that I didn’t have to hide or pretend I was okay.  As soon as I was able to get up from the ground, I wrote every single physical feeling that I was experiencing. Additionally, I drew a little note of happiness when I have a bad day (in my “bad day?” jar). Also, I listened to Adele.

That was my depression side. 

 

My normal side/reality told me:

• Feel every emotion that you are feeling. It’s okay to cry.
• Just pray and know that there is a better plan for you.
• You are now more prepared for the next interview
• The director wrote a really kind email and wants you to PLEASE keep in touch and wants you to work for them in another time.
• Everything happens for a reason (and you know that)
• Let’s move on and start searching for another job.
• Continue feeling this emotion right now and tomorrow is another day.

 

When a situation like this arises, when my depressed side and normal side collide.. my mind gets too overwhelmed.

 

When I first read the email and started crying, I prayed and said, “I know that you have a better plan for me, but for right now this is how I feel and I just want to cry”.

I forgot how horrible panic attacks feel, especially attacks that lasts for 30 mins.

It’s okay. 

 

-Mel

 

 

Social Media Free Sunday.

While I was in church today, I was thinking about my Europe trip.

I was thinking about how it felt amazing not to have data and barely have any wifi. Some people can’t do that, but it felt so refreshing not checking my phone all the time.

During that trip, I only had wifi for a couple of times. One was in our first hotel in Rome and it worked really well. Another was in our last hotel room in Rome, but it barely worked. I used the internet for a small amount of time in Barcelona in a restaurant we ate at for lunch. For a little over 2 weeks, I only spent a small amount of time using my wifi and checking on my social media. During that entire week on the cruise (minus the 45 mins eating lunch in Barcelona), I was wifi free. No internet, no social media, no emails, no texting, etc. I did have an option to purchase wifi for a small fee, but I decided that I needed a break from the internet.

It was an amazing feeling. During that trip, I got to truly experience the beautiful sites and cities that I was very fortunate enough to go to. I was able to relax on the cruise ship and utilize all the activities that were provided. I didn’t get distracted by my phone and the only time I touched my phone was to take photos.

But, as soon as I landed back in America and my phone was able to use data again, social media took over again.

I want to experience that amazing and refreshing feeling of not looking at my phone every 30 mins (or less). I am achieving my goal of spending less time on social media for my social media detox. I barely go on Facebook and Instagram, plus I deleted a lot of people so I don’t spend minutes checking the feed.

 

I decided to have a social media free Sunday. 

For me, I usually use Sundays to relax, watch a movie and do some sort of art. There are some Sundays where I go to Disneyland, have a family party to go to, or have something going on. But, my Sundays are usually like this… Coffee +church+ lunch+ rest/movie/art +dinner+ Youtube + sleep.

I don’t like doing anything on Sundays, most likely because I like to rest before the week of working Monday-Friday begins again.

So on Sunday, my phone will be off when I get home from church. And I will log off on any social media I have.

Hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

 

-Mel

 

“Oh you’re single, let’s find you a boyfriend”

Apparently, it’s not okay to be single? 

Every time someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, I say no. Their response to that is ask…why not? And then add, “but you’re so pretty”. They proceed to say that I “need” a boyfriend.

Then they somehow become a matchmaker and  say that they have someone that would be “perfect” for me.

What is the definition of “perfect”? How do they know that whatever friend they have would be a perfect match for me? Most of the time is because that guy is attractive and appearance wise, we would be so-called “cute together”.

People don’t get that it’s not entirely all about appearance. And not everyone has the same types when it comes to significant to others. And most of the time when someone finds someone that is “perfect” for me, I don’t think they are my type. 

Why is it not okay to be single? Why can’t I just be okay without a boyfriend?

I am OKAY with being single. I am fine.
For the longest time, I believed that having a boyfriend was the answer to finding happiness. That my entire happiness came from that one individual.

But I was wrong.

Because you don’t stay with that person forever and they take that happiness away. And you’re stuck alone without any happiness because you gave it all to that guy.

You make your own happiness. Not one person is your definition of happiness.

There are different compartments of happiness. It’s not one thing, one place and definitely not one person.

My past relationships were great and then ended horribly. Many times of deep depression came from the breakups.

It was twice in a row when I had boyfriends that loved me. Then they found someone else during our relationship. Then they say that they want to break up and be single. Then I find out soon later that they were with that “someone else”.

I was heartbroken. And my heart breaking quickly turned into a deep depression.

The fact that it happened in one relationship and then the next boyfriend does the same thing.

You lose your trust and faith into people.

I haven’t been in a relationship since then. I didn’t want to experience that pain anymore. It’s a horrible feeling and having it two times in a row kills you.

It took me awhile to accept being single. It took me awhile to find other ways to make me happy and not find just any guy to take away the loneliness and “make you happy”.

Along with the heart break that I have experienced. I have seen the heartbreak that close family and friends have gone through. 

It’s not fun. It’s not fun being all happy and in love with someone and then all of a sudden they make you feel like shit. 

That is why I am currently single. I can’t go through heart break again. It’s so hard to trust people these days.

I am completely fine with being single. I went to school, had internships and went to work at the same time…and graduated college. That is what you do when you’re single. You move on and live.

You focus on yourself. You focus on your own priorities and goals.

When the right time comes, someone amazing will come into your life.

I know that I still need to work on myself and continue to be brave and strong. That’s why it’s not the right time for me to be in a relationship.

Everything happens for a reason.
-Mel 

The Beginning.

2016 will be all about me.

It sounds selfish, but in my life..it’s really not.

I have spent my entire life thinking about everyone else.

Thinking about how to please others. I’ve been thinking about how everyone else thinks about me. Plus I’ve been pretending that I’m okay & don’t have a mental illness, so they don’t have to “deal with it”. I have been comparing my life to everyone else and think about their happiness over mine.

I need to stop thinking about everyone else and think about myself for once.

My focus is on my health physically and emotionally this year.

To focus on my physical health:

• It’s cliche’ but I really need to start exercising. It’s been hard this year, because there were so many things going on this year. I couldn’t start working out because it wouldn’t be consistent. I had school, moved, worked a lot and went on 2 trips. No excuses this year.
• I’m going to start drinking ALOT more WATER & eat a lot better than I typically do. I actually have been eating better than last year. I barely get fast food and Mexican food..only on occasion. I used to eat a lot of candy, but I don’t eat it as much. I need to EAT BREAKFAST. Plus I need to eat a lot more vegetables on a daily basis.  I’m still doing better at not drinking soda. As much as I love coffee, I need to regulate my amount of coffee again. Only tall coffee, grande on days that are needed, & no coffee on some days. Plus I’m going to try to drink double the amount of water, along with the coffee. I got extremely dehydrated a couple of months ago. And from that, I knew that I really needed to drink a lot more water than I usually do. I started drinking fruit detox water and I might start doing again in the new year.
• I need to start taking care of my skin a lot more. Let’s just say I’m really bad at taking care of my face and my skin.

 

To focus on my emotional health:

• Happiness. I am on a mission to make this year about me being happy and finding happiness. I really need to control my mind to see the positive aspects of life and not immediately go to the negative ones.
• Depression. I need to continue and work on my depression. I’ll admit that I have used my depression and and anxiety as an excuse. I need to focus more on saying how I feel instead of blaming it on depression right away.
• Social Media Detox. This goal is extremely important to execute this year. I need to get away from social media. This blog (http://anastasiaamour.com/2014/12/01/social-media-and-self-image-why-its-time-to-detox/) explains why it’s important to detox. My mind has been poisoned to social media. I check all my social media many times within the day. I feel like my life is unsatisfactory when I don’t get a lot of likes on instagram or when I start comparing my life to others. It makes me feel crappy at times. It sounds stupid but that is how life is today, everyone is posting ONLY the positive aspects of their life to do what? To show the world that they have an amazing life, I call it bragging or showing off. I’m slowly but surely going to delete toxic people on social media and eventually logging off forever or deleting some forms of social media. Plus getting off of social media can make me focus my mind on other things (such as writing more on this blog)
• Color. Craft. & Create. I am going to replace my time from social media to do a lot more arts and crafts. I’m going to focus my time on doing new art projects and continue on my mind map art series.
• Writing. I want to write a lot more especially on here. I’m going to be raw and honest about my feelings. Also, I want to write down the different methods that I tried to help me with my depression. Eventually, I want to write a book someday. But I need to practice writing and have content in order to achieve it.
• Living an Organized life. I have lost my motivation and drive to work since I graduated. My life is not as organized as it used to be. I need to start keeping a clean habit (aka my room, car, bathroom, purse). I need to write in my planner AND follow my planner.

 

Like I said in the other post, I have no idea what is going to happen in 2016.

But, I need to focus on myself & my well-being this year.

 

Let’s do this, 2016!