Attempts at suicide

It’s been 9 years since the age of when I wanted to die.

when I was a teen, I always told myself that when I turned 18 or before I became legal that I would kill myself.

I was not happy with my life and depressed. From 13-17, I convinced myself that the future was not so bright for me. Instead I should end it to avoid any feeling of failure or not feel happy with my life.

Then when I was 17.5 things changed. I got my drivers license and the day after I got my first job. And at that first job, I met someone who I was convinced was the reason I should stay alive.

So I turned 18.

But then that happy phase of my life turned back to depression when my boyfriend decided to leave me for another girl.

That was the first time in my life where I hit rock bottom. I had insomnia for months and cried every night. I skipped classes and I didn’t eat. At age 19, I weighed 84 pounds. I am very small and very petite. But 84 pounds was not healthy at all for a small and petite girl.

I wanted to die. And I had the perfect plan. That whenever I hit the bottom of rock bottom that I would just drive, close my eyes and hit my pedals full speed off a cliff.

I didn’t do that. I don’t know why I didn’t do it. But I met a good friend in my first years of college and life was good again.

Years passed. I was in another relationship ( I never learn). I was convinced that this guy was my answer to my reason of being alive. And no surprise, he left me for another girl. (Yup, I never learn).

My depression hit hard. Luckily during that time, I went on a month long trip to the Philippines 2 months after he broke up with me. But, reality hit me as soon as I got back. Rock bottom hit again.

One day at work, a slightly heavy box of lids fell fast and hard on my head. I got a bump and later found out that it was a minor concussion.  I had to keep my head safe from hitting anything.

But one night, I got really depressed and mad at myself. And as soon as I parked my car in front of my house from work. I banged my head hard on the steering wheel and then went inside and banged my head on the wall. I knew that banging my head with a minor concussion would make things worse.

I don’t cut my arms or physically hurt my body from depression. But, that was the first time I knew that I have the ability to hurt myself physically.

And the only reason that I did it…was because I wanted the pain to end. 

The pain that came from hitting rock bottom in my life and feeling that my life cannot get any better. It was a mental pain that hurt so much that it turned into a physical pain. 

I felt my body so tense that it turned into body aches and started to get migraines.

I didn’t kill myself and banging my head didn’t do much.

I stayed alive.

For a couple of reasons:

• I didn’t want my family or close friends to blame themselves for my death
• I was afraid to fail in my suicide attempt. If I failed and if someone had found me, I was afraid that they would put me in a hospital and be labeled as “suicide watch”and seen as a crazy mental person.

Just because I have depression doesn’t mean that I’m crazy and need to be hospitalized.

I am a normal person. I just have circumstances in my life that don’t make me feel happy or satisfied with my life.

I am trying everyday. Trying to accept myself and my life.

Love yourself.

Please seek help if you hit rock bottom and want to end the pain forever.

You are not alone. I am here for you.

-Mel

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I don’t know why I like to hurt myself.

Not physically, but mentally.

When I can’t sleep at night, I always tend to search for people of my past (an ex or two, an old friend).

And then I compare my current life to their current life.

And I feel like shit. Because I feel like my life is not as fulfilling as their life APPEARS TO BE.

It messes with my head so much.

And I do this so many times when I can’t sleep at night which makes me have more trouble falling asleep.

I do this to myself.

I start listening to sad songs that make me cry.

BUT TONIGHT….

Then I started listening to songs that motivate me instead.

 

I need to remind myself of all the great things that I have accomplished and experienced in my life.

I am a teacher. I just watched my first pre-kindergarten class graduate yesterday. I graduated while working and having a full load of classes and internships. I graduated despite having depression and and anxiety.

 

I need to get away from social media. It’s all fake. Everyone will always show the best out of their lives.

 

I need to sleep.

-Mel

The 2 things that matter most to people in their 20s

I needed this… And showing this to anyone else that needs this

True Story

This was my speech to the graduating class of 2016 at the University of California, San Diego, Revelle College. I just wanted to be real with them, and thought a lot about what I would’ve wanted to hear 10 years prior when I was sitting in their position. I’m so grateful for the honor and the opportunity to speak on this special occasion.

Hi. I’m gonna start off by saying, I’m really nervous. So if this goes terribly, yeah, that’s why. Cool.

So first I’d like to say, this is probably the biggest honor of my life thus far, and I met President Obama in 2011, though he didn’t know who I was. So thank you UC San Diego Revelle College for inviting me to speak, and believing I’m qualified to share my thoughts with the fragile minds of early 20 year olds.

I was a VisArts major at Revelle…

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A series of uncontrollable and unfortunate events.

DAY TWO of being 27 and I’m already convinced that this year is going to be difficult.

So much has gone on in just two days of being 27: sickness, hospital visit, no sleep and getting way too overwhelmed at work.

I’m exhausted.

I know that turning 27 didn’t have to do with all these events.

But, I’m looking it at a perspective that: I NEED TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER.

I drove home today & broke down. I listened to Hamilton’s “Wait for it”

And when I heard this part of the song, I immediately cried

Life doesn’t discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
And we keep living anyway
We rise and we fall and we break
And we make our mistakes
And if there’s a reason I’m still alive
When so many have died
Then I’m willin’ to—

It’s what I needed. I needed to cry.

I wish people would understand me and understand that MY LIFE + DEPRESSION are not good together.

If my life looked like an equation, it would look like this.

MY LIFE (DEPRESSION + ANXIETY) = EXHAUSTION

I’m basically rambling right now. Because I’m exhausted.

I don’t know. But I feel like I needed to tell you this.

 

-MEL

Day 1 of Year 27.

I tried.

I tried to not let my feelings get hurt.

I tried to at least care about my birthday or acknowledge that it’s my birthday.

It didn’t feel like my birthday because I wasn’t happy.

But, that’s the thing about depression. It doesn’t care if it’s a special event, if something good is happening to you. It will mess with you. EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

I hate this. I hate this so much.

I don’t think I was at least 10% happy today.

This is the 2nd time in 5 years that I’ve cried at the end of my birthday.

You won depression. I’m tired of fighting you.

-Mel

(unHappy birthday)

27 years.

27 years of existence.

27 years of struggle.

27 years of depression

27 years of fighting

27 years of taking it one day at a time.

27 years of anxiety.

27 years of worried thoughts.

27 years of sleepless nights.

 

27 years of survival.

 

I wanted to end my life at 18. I turn 27 tomorrow.

Taking it one day at a time.