I just had a panic attack.
After being criticized & verbally attacked for so many things this morning and feeling really depressed… I had to wait a grueling 30 mins to go home.
This is what happens when I have a massive panic attack
- I lock myself in the bathroom ( typically the only room where I can lock the door and no one can come in)
- I lay on the bathroom floor in the fetal position
- I cry and can’t stop crying.
- I breathe heavily because I feel like I can’t breathe at all.
- My heart beat feels like it just ran a marathon
- I tell myself over and over and over again “PLEASE MAKE IT STOP “
- I stay there until I notice someone is walking past the door
- I stand up and look at myself in the mirror. My make-up is all over the place and my eyes are red from crying so much.
- Lay down and eventually fall asleep, because those 5 mins of having a panic attack takes a toll on your mind and body.
Panic attacks are never fun.
This is the earliest panic attack I’ve ever had. Usually I get them at night.
As I was heading home, the thought of dating popped into my head.
I’ve been single for 6 years now. And I get so many questions about my love life or lack of a love life.
For example,
- Are you dating anyone?
- Why aren’t you dating anyone?
- Why don’t you meet someone?
- Have you tried online dating ?
- Do you want a boyfriend?
My simple answer to them is: “nah I’m good” aka I’m fine.
It’s not easy for me just to date anyone.
Many people think that I’m not dating anyone because of my past relationships. It’s part of the reason, but it’s not the entire reason. It is hard to trust someone after your last two boyfriends left you for other girls.
But on that drive home, I realized why I haven’t really been interested in dating anyone.
It’s because I’m scared. How am I supposed to say to the person that I really like or “love” that I have depression.
In my last relationship, I told my boyfriend that I had depression and I was suicidal (at that time)… he told me that God doesn’t like that. He didn’t say anything to show that he was understanding that I had depression.
Honestly, I’m afraid that no one will love me because I have depression.
I’m afraid that I will begin a new relationship with someone and fall in love with them. Then I will fall into a deep depression and eventually, I have to tell them… then they leave me. Then it will put me into a deeper depression. I don’t want to go through that, again.
I have told my family and friends about my depression. They are not as understanding as I hoped they would be. If my family and friends can’t be understanding about my depression, then I am so scared that my future relationships won’t be understanding as well.
Many people want to begin a relationship with others by being attracted to their: appearance, similarities, personality, etc.
My order of importance to begin a relationship with others is in this order:
- Acceptance and understanding of my depression/anxiety
- Attraction to their appearance on the outside and inside
- Kindness
- Similarities
- Personality
- Motivated and passionate
I am NOT looking for anyone to help find a cure to end my depression. I can’t find a cure to help myself with depression, so why would I give that responsibility to someone else.
I had depression for over 10 years. It is part of my life.
I would love it if I had someone who would just understand that depression is hard.
I want them to understand that: at times, I get really quiet or really angry because of my depression. But, it’s not because of them. Other times, I need to be alone and I need to lock myself in the bathroom for a panic attack. Sometimes, I just need to talk and vent because if I keep anything inside me for so long, it will make me feel worse. Most of the time, I have to act like I’m okay on the outside, because on the inside, I am screaming for help.
I would love to meet someone that I can be attracted to their appearance on the outside and inside, can be kind and passionate and be understanding of mental illness.
Until next time…
-Mel
hello melmel 