In the last month or so, I have seen so much: Hate/negative attitudes/rude words/evil glares/ disrespect Not only have I seen it, but I have experienced this negativity around me. I HATE IT. There…
In the last month or so, I have seen so much:
Hate/negative attitudes/rude words/evil glares/ disrespect
Not only have I seen it, but I have experienced this negativity around me.
I HATE IT.
- There is so much negativity in the entire world with so many tragic things happening in the news lately.
- There is so much negativity in the daily aspect of my life: from the line at starbucks, to a restaurant, to driving on the road, to the checkout stand at the nearest grocery store, to my work and even at Disneyland.
- Lastly, there is negativity in my own household and most of the time directed at me.
I have depression. And typically when I feel this negative energy around me, I start to feel even more miserable.
But this time, with the massive amount of negativity that I have seen or experienced….I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT.
I don’t let it bring me down. Instead, I either walk away from the situation (like at home) OR I respond to the situation with positivity (even if I don’t necessarily agree with it).
In my daily life, I have seen customers in front of me being rude to the barista at Starbucks. The people that work there DID NOTHING WRONG… it’s just the customers have a bad attitude or woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They use all the irritability in themselves and take it out on anyone near them.
I see this at work too. People become overwhelmed about work and start to talk about others and it becomes gossip. The talking leads to annoyance and anger to yelling. Yelling is not professional to the workplace. (And to be honest, I am always afraid to ask something or even do something because I feel as if I will either get judged about it or someone will get angry at me for it). I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
I get this at home too. My parents become so angry for different reasons that do not have to do with me. They take that anger and release it towards the closest person (me) for the smallest reasons. I didn’t do anything wrong.
I don’t know how much I can handle all this negativity in my life.
I’m trying so much to not let all this negativity change my perspectives and become pessimistic. Also, I’m trying to help myself defeat depression. If I become negative about my life. I won’t feel any better about myself.
If you are surrounded by negativity and pessimistic people or situations in your life:
- Walk away from the situation. Don’t let other peoples negative attitudes pressure you to become negative as well.
- Respond to a situation with positivity, optimism and a smile . (With that customer being rude to the starbucks worker, I tried my best to make my transaction as smooth as possible. Also, I always told her please and thank you with a smile.)
- Try your best to see the positive perspective in any situation. Sure things could go wrong, but be patient and things will eventually work out in the end.
- Be kind.
Again it’s one of those nights when I just can’t sleep…(and I have to work tomorrow).
I wanted to sleep all day since I was sick for the past couple of days and then all of a sudden, I’m not sleepy anymore. I feel more awake than I have been all day.
I DON’T KNOW.
I’ve said these three words so much in my head, my blog posts and my life in the past couple of months.
I DON’T KNOW.
I don’t know how I’m feeling. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what is missing. I don’t know what I need to make me feel good about my life anymore. I don’t know how to make me feel like myself again.
I just don’t know.
I’m scared to be honest.
And I don’t know what I’m exactly scared of. Maybe I’m scared of the unknown/the future. Maybe I’m scared because I want so many things in my life. And my current life is not heading in that direction. Maybe I’m scared that if I take that leap (of moving to a different city on the other side of the country just to breathe and find myself) that I fail miserably, become broke and come back home more depressed than ever. Maybe I’m scared because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Or maybe I’m scared that I’ll be stuck in my current life and just become more miserable.
I don’t know.
I wish I just knew…
I need a break.
As much as I want to find myself…
I have become so overwhelmed and exhausted with everything in my life right now that I need a break from my life.
All I really want to do right now is just to get into my car and drive away. Drive anywhere, just far away from my existing life. And hopefully when I come back, I will find myself again.
I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically.
I haven’t taken a day off for myself since I started my job in February. I’ve only taken half days off for appointments and holidays off. But my day off for holidays are too busy celebrating that holiday.
And it’s not just taking a break. It’s taking care of myself. I’ve been neglecting myself lately. And that’s a big part in why I lost myself.
I just need to get away from here.
Away from this routine of working every day, doing the same things on Saturdays and Sundays. This routine is killing me and no matter how much I try to alter it, it still feels the same.
Away from working. Working at my job, working to make my family happy, working to keep myself busy to distract me from depression.
Away from everything in my life. So I can feel like I can breathe again, to clear my mind. My mind has been filled with so many thoughts that it’s keeping me from relaxing.
I need to get away from my life in order to find me again.
August 18 @ 11:14pm
Simple. I can’t sleep.
My eyes are wide open. My heart is beating fast as if I ran a marathon. My thoughts are continuously bouncing around inside my head.
My thoughts are bouncing so fast and are continuously switching that I can’t seem to figure out which thoughts are keeping me awake the most.
My thoughts go from “I don’t want to go to work tomorrow” to “why do I seem to be in the same place at the same time with my ex pretty much every year” to “I just want to get away from here” to “I just want to be truly happy” to “I’m actually pretty hungry right now”.
Why? Why do these thoughts all want to be heard in my mind at this very moment?
I can’t find the solutions to answer all my thoughts.
I don’t know if I can ever find those solutions.
But I really should sleep.
If I can…
Find a soundtrack that accompanies the way you feel or how you want to feel.
Music always finds a way to:
- find the best words to express how I feel
- provide the perfect music to accommodate or change my mood
- calm me when I’m feeling depressed or have a panic attack
- brings me back to happy or sad times in my life with nostalgic lyrics
- supports my mind when I need to gather my thoughts together.
Without music, I don’t know what I would do.
The last couple of days, I’ve been putting together two playlists.
One called “I need a break”. Music for those times when I need a break! Music for those times when I need background music for my thoughts. I use this soundtrack when there’s a million things going in my mind and I need to stop those thoughts to understand what they mean. I also can use this soundtrack if I had a panic attack and need some music to calm me down.
The other called “Feel Good”. It’s basically music to boost my mood and create that instant feeling of pure joy. When I feel as if negative thoughts and feelings are beginning to drag me down, I use this playlist to pull me up. Some of the music are songs that remind of great moments from my past. Its those types of songs that give you so much joy as soon as it starts playing. Also, it’s those types of songs that you know every word and sing at the top of your lungs to. The other songs are the types of songs that you can just start dancing like nobody is watching.
The “Feel Good” soundtrack provides songs that remind me of who I am. There are so many songs that are nostalgic and remind me of those times when I felt like myself.
Find music that remind you of who you are. Find background music that helps you understand your thoughts.
I lost her. I lost Melissa. I lost Mel. I lost myself.
I lost myself so much that I didn’t remember who I was anymore.
I felt like a robot doing the same things everyday, going through the same routine and not feeling any type of emotion.
It’s been 6 months, where I didn’t know how to feel like myself. It’s a strange thing to not feel like yourself.
As the days went by, there was more pieces of myself missing. And as months passed by, I gave up on finding those missing pieces to put back together. At one point, I completely lost myself.
But, something in the past month has motivated me not to give up.
I’ve been trying to familiarize myself again with different things that makes me feel like MEL again. Also, I’m trying new things that I’ve wanted to do but never made the effort to try.
So let’s try this. Let’s find myself again. Let’s complete this puzzle of putting myself back together.
The Essential Guide to Finding Yourself.
Part I coming soon….
And to be honest, I’ve been feeling so negative and (insert as many cuss words here) this entire week.
I spent the last hour feeling so bad and feeling like I’m not living my life how it’s “supposed” to be.
something in me just said,
“I DON’T CARE” & (social media is not worth feeling so bad about yourself)
WHO CARES?! SO WHAT?
Who Cares if:
- You see another engagement on social media and you’re still single (@27). You live your own life. You graduated college while having a full load of classes, working, school internships, and having depression. You are currently working a full time job with benefits. WHO CARES. You will find love and get married when you are ready, not because everyone is doing it.
- People are posting great vacation photos and you’re stuck at work. You went on two amazing vacations last year. (You’re taking a break and going to Disneyland this weekend)
- You see more relationships popping up in social media. Seriously….stop comparing your life to someone elses. AGAIN…You will find love and get married when you are ready, not because everyone is doing it.
- You don’t go out as often as you used to. Yea..you work with 4 and 5 year olds. It is rewarding, but everyday is exhausting and you use all your energy from working with them.
Social media messes your mind so much that you start comparing your life to other’s lives. You have a different life than everyone else’s. Everyone has different priorities in life. Not everyone will graduate college from 22, have a career immediately, get married right after and then have children. Life is not one timeline that EVERYONE MUST FOLLOW. NO!
You have your own timeline, because everything EVENTUALLY falls into the right place in the right time.
I will post an in-depth detailed list on this sometime this week or next week. But these little things have helped me with my depression/anxiety these past months.
- Change up your routine. (One change I do is go to different starbucks around my work on different days, again I work with kids, I need coffee daily. But going to different starbucks makes my routine less automatic and less like a routine)
- DELETE DELETE DELETE. If there is something on social media that is messing with your head, delete those people. It’s something I’ve been doing for the past year. I used to just hide people’s feeds but somehow come back to them. Deleting them from your social media honestly feels like your deleting them from your life in a way. Sometimes I need to block them, so I don’t run into their accounts or have an urge to check their accounts.
- Read. Read. Read. I’ve been relaxing and reading books I’ve bought years ago and never finished. Especially self-help books before bed or during my lunch break to focus my mind on something else than my phone or my macbook.
- I recently downloaded Spotify ( I know, I’m late in the game). But I’ve found so many playlists that helped me in whatever mood I’m in. Right now, I’m listening to the “Happy Hits!” playlist. Because I was feeling so down and when I started saying to myself “so what” and “who cares”, I needed a playlist to match my mood.
- & more…
I need to sleep for work tomorrow. I am actually dreading tomorrow, but I know if I wake up positive, 6pm will be here sooner and I will have that amazing feeling of getting out of work on a Friday. I just gotta get through one more day.
You guys can get through any hardship or struggle you are currently experiencing.