(Going to type this as the thoughts in my head and not edit this)
10: 34PM. I have spent the past 30 minutes reevaluating my life.
Those 30 mins had :10 mins of thinking that I am not happy with my life, 10 minutes of writing down what I wanted in my life and the obstacles keeping me from those desires. 10 minutes of laying on the floor crying because I can’t do this anymore.
What do I do with my life? I am not happy. I feel like my life is a never-ending cycle of ….shi*t. I didn’t want to use that word because maybe I want to have hope that my life is going the way I want it to be.
But my life is making me more exhausted, stressed and having more anxiety than I have ever experienced.
Maybe because I’m older, I’m 27. And a majority of people my age already have their life together. They have a career, they have a partner to spend the rest of their life with, they have a family. And besides with my constant comparison to others my age, I’m 27 and have been battling depression and now anxiety since I was 14. I am lying on the floor crying exactly like I did when I was 15, 18, 21, 23, 25. Having an anxiety attack over my current life and that I’m not happy on where my life is going. When will this end? When will I stop lying down on the floor crying over how unhappy I am with my life.
Or am I going to live with depression for the rest of my life?
To those who have never experienced mental illness and don’t understand depression. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for everything in my life. My family, my job, being able to have medical insurance, the roof over my head, all the food that I eat and everything else.
But this unhappiness is different. I want to be able to feel like myself again. I want to be in that part in my life where everything makes sense and I’m supposed to be where I’m supposed to be. But the problem is, I don’t know how to get there.
What do I do with my life? How can I be happy with my life? What do I need to do to get where I want to be in my life?
I’ve been living my life on this never ending cycle of: going to work Monday-Friday doing the same things over and over, but not feeling like I’m going anywhere with my job and I still don’t feel comfortable there. I am grateful for my job with its benefit. But this ongoing cycle is giving my anxiety because everything is repetitive and if my exhausted mind forgets something, I get anxiety over it. Then the weekend is for cleaning and once in awhile family get-togethers where slowly my family ignores the fact that I exist.
I want this cycle to end. Or maybe I just want a new life where it’s not so predictable. How do I do this?
I want to leave, I want to leave this familiar bubble of my life. I want to live somewhere new that elevates my confidence and motivation. But along with my desires of living in a new city is my worst fear of being broke, not being able to afford food and failing to go back to this room of mine in my parent’s house. Student loans, car payments and unexpected expenses are part of this problem.
So what do I do? I can’t live this current cycle of my life and I can’t afford to pack up my things and start a new chapter in a new city and new life.
I don’t know what to d0 anymore.