What do I do with my life?

(Going to type this as the thoughts in my head and not edit this)

10: 34PM. I have spent the past 30 minutes reevaluating my life.

Those 30 mins had :10 mins of thinking that I am not happy with my life, 10 minutes of writing down what I wanted in my life and the obstacles keeping me from those desires. 10 minutes of laying on the floor crying because I can’t do this anymore.

What do I do with my life? I am not happy. I feel like my life is a never-ending cycle of ….shi*t. I didn’t want to use that word because maybe I want to have hope that my life is going the way I want it to be.

But my life is making me more exhausted, stressed and having more anxiety than I have ever experienced.

Maybe because I’m older, I’m 27. And a majority of people my age already have their life together. They have a career, they have a partner to spend the rest of their life with, they have a family. And besides with my constant comparison to others my age, I’m 27 and have been battling depression and now anxiety since I was 14. I am lying on the floor crying exactly like I did when I was 15, 18, 21, 23, 25. Having an anxiety attack over my current life and that I’m not happy on where my life is going. When will this end? When will I stop lying down on the floor crying over how unhappy I am with my life. 

Or am I going to live with depression for the rest of my life?

To those who have never experienced mental illness and don’t understand depression. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for everything in my life. My family, my job, being able to have medical insurance, the roof over my head, all the food that I eat and everything else.

But this unhappiness is different. I want to be able to feel like myself again. I want to be in that part in my life where everything makes sense and I’m supposed to be where I’m supposed to be. But the problem is, I don’t know how to get there.

What do I do with my life? How can I be happy with my life? What do I need to do to get where I want to be in my life?

I’ve been living my life on this never ending cycle of: going to work Monday-Friday doing the same things over and over, but not feeling like I’m going anywhere with my job and I still don’t feel comfortable there. I am grateful for my job with its benefit. But this ongoing cycle is giving my anxiety because everything is repetitive and if my exhausted mind forgets something, I get anxiety over it. Then the weekend is for cleaning and once in awhile family get-togethers where slowly my family ignores the fact that I exist.

I want this cycle to end. Or maybe I just want a new life where it’s not so predictable. How do I do this?

I want to leave, I want to leave this familiar bubble of my life. I want to live somewhere new that elevates my confidence and motivation. But along with my desires of living in a new city is my worst fear of being broke, not being able to afford food and failing to go back to this room of mine in my parent’s house. Student loans, car payments and unexpected expenses  are part of this problem.

So what do I do? I can’t live this current cycle of my life and I can’t afford to pack up my things and start a new chapter in a new city and new life.

I don’t know what to d0 anymore.

-Mel

Depression is slowly destroying me…

I woke up today feeling like sh*t.

I just wanted to sleep my life away and not encounter… life.

I don’t feel like talking, moving or going out..of my bed. And I feel as if every ounce of energy in my body has disintegrated.

I haven’t worked on “The Essential Guide to Finding Yourself” in awhile. Because I’m starting to lose myself again to depression.

I had a feeling all week that depression… major depression is having an effect on me. But I didn’t realize it until I woke up this morning.

I can notice when depression is slowly overpowering me when:

  • I can’t sleep (but at the same time I’m too exhausted that I want to sleep).
  • I can’t concentrate.
  • I can’t feel any emotion (sad, happy or even content)
  • I don’t have any energy
  • I either feel hungry all the time or don’t eat much

Depression is back. And I feel so alone.

Why is that… the more you feel depressed and the more that people know that you’re depressed…THE FURTHER AWAY THEY STAY FROM YOU. Why?

It’s like you have the flu or a type of disease. But depression is not like the flu, people don’t tell you “I hope you feel better” and they don’t bring you soup or check up on you to ask if you feel better. They stay away just so they don’t “catch” your depressive symptoms or they just don’t know what to do or say…. so they stay away. 

They stay away. And they don’t do or say anything to help you. 

The more people stay away, the more depressed I feel. I hate it.

I want to cry. But I can’t cry. I haven’t reached that breaking point yet. But once I start to cry, I won’t be able to stop. That’s when I know I’m deep down in depression and close to reaching rock bottom.

There is no timeline to depression. I don’t choose when to be depressed or choose to feel emotionless. It happens. Life was doing okay, it kept going. And then all of a sudden depression chose to appear into my mind and body.

At this moment, depression is slowly destroying my mind, body and my life.

-Mel

Re: assurance

By having depression and anxiety for a little over a decade…

I can’t trust my mind, it’s scares me.

I second-guess myself every moment of everyday. Every second-guessing leads to thinking, which leads to worrying then to overthinking and  it ends in thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong.

With my mind constantly thinking and not taking a break, sometimes I can’t tell the difference between my mind making things up or REALITY.

It’s hard to trust my mind. It’s hard for me to trust my decisions and opinions. Especially when factors such as intimidating individuals begin to influence my decisions or my decisions were wrong.

With anxiety and depression, my mind alters my thinking that I am getting judged for my every action and watched by someone every moment of the day. This affects my thinking that every decision I make, it will be judged by some individual.

Whenever I make a mistake or when I do something “wrong” and individuals tell me…I feel the most horrible person ever (even for the smallest thing). That’s when my second-guessing begins eventually to anxiety…then anxiety attacks.

That’s when re:assurance begins. I have to ask others for re:assurance, just so I know that my mind is not being warped. And the more I have to get re: assurance, the less I trust my mind and the less I trust myself.  And if I don’t ask for re: assurance, I can’t stop thinking if I heard something right or wrong, if I did something right or wrong and anxiety grows.

My hearts starts beating. I can’t calm my mind nor body. I can’t stop fidgeting. I can’t stop thinking.

It gets worse and worse. Because I think of the worst possible situation that can come from my decision without re: assurance.

I don’t like the fact that I have to get re:assurance because I can’t trust my mind.

I hate this. I hate how the only time my mind can relax or take a break is during those 7 or less hours of sleep I get every night. That’s not enough time. I want my mind to relax during the daytime when I’m awake.

I don’t think my mind has taken break in over a decade.

I want the ability to be confident in myself, in my decisions and in my thinking.

I don’t want my thinking and every aspect of my mind to be negative and ending up with the worst possible scenario playing over and over in my head.

I want to give re:assurance myself instead of getting re:assurance from others. 

-Mel