Today hit me hard from the moment I woke up.

I have written about 5 blog posts in the past 2 weeks. Those blog posts are just sitting in the draft pile waiting to be picked up and finished.

I can’t seem to finish those words because my thoughts can’t stay still.

I just had a 3-day weekend of being productive and motivated. I achieved so many small goals of mine. Most of all, starting to build myself up again.

Then BAM!

Today hit me hard from the moment I woke up.

Getting a text to borrow money. Was late getting out the door, then my garage decides to be a jerk and not close with the remote. I was already running late and then I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to close the garage. Then after figuring it out, I ran into traffic down the street just to get on the freeway. I was so close to not being able to grab coffee on the way to work (which I desperately needed).

At work, somehow my productivity and motivation seemed to diminish. I don’t know what’s going on with my self-esteem at work, but it somehow stays in the car while I’m at work. It might be the people, it might be the job itself…but I am so awkward and have so much anxiety being here. And I’ve been here for almost a year.

I’m sitting in my car on my lunch (pretty much everyday). And I just feel uneasy and feel as if I could just drive this car off the cliff in front of me.

I can’t do this anymore. It’s been a year now and I just give up.

What do I do? What can I do? How can I feel like myself again?

Because what I’m doing, obviously is not working. And all these blog posts seem to be talking about the same thing lately.

Because I don’t know.

There’s one major thing standing in my way from achieving the life that I want and that is money.

I’m stuck in a job that doesn’t make me happy . But  I need health benefits and I need money to achieve those goals that I want to achieve.

And I’m constantly helping my family financially. It stresses me out, but at the same time we need water, electricity, etc. And my brother has worked so hard in pharmacy school that he needs help in these last few months of school.

I’m just trying to help everyone out. And I want to help.

I’m just not happy with my life.

If I ever needed a sign to help motivate me to stay, it’s right now.
-Mel

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“At some point during dinner, surrounded by family. I thought I can’t do this anymore.”

Crying in the car on the way home from my mom’s birthday party.

Luckily it’s nighttime and it’s dark, so no one can see the tears down my face. I kept on crying but was very silent about it. I had to hold my breathing in so my parent’s couldn’t hear that I was crying. Then all of a sudden, we were five minutes away from my house and I felt as if all my makeup disappeared from all the crying and I had to hide it. 5 minutes. I know that when I cry, my eyes get red. I only had 5 minutes to stop crying and make it appear that nothing happened in the backseat of the car.

It’s the end of the first week of 2017.

& I don’t know why I thought that all my problems disappeared as soon as the clock strikes midnight on New Years. It doesn’t disappear, it continues as if it wasn’t a new year.

I’m still as awkward and very nervous at work. I am still all over my social media and feeling very disappointed at my life. I am still not myself.

Tonight. I was at my mother’s birthday dinner, surrounded by my aunts, uncles, cousins and my mom’s friends who are like family. I couldn’t eat. It was all my favorite food and my plate was full of food from the beginning of dinner to the end of dinner. I just had a sudden revelation of my life. I’m not happy and none of these people that are surrounding me don’t know how I feel. They won’t understand and they never will unless they actually take the time to understand depression.

I have to either keep a blank face or act like everything is okay (the hardest thing I ever have to do and I do this everyday).

All I wanted to do was just talk to my cousins next to me and just say, “I’ve been struggling alot lately and I’m in so much pain. I don’t know what to do anymore”. And in my wildest dreams, I wish they would say “I’m here for you” (and hope that they mean it).

I can’t. Because I have tried before. From my experience, the more you talk about depression, the further away people stay away. I’ll talk about it more later, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve talked about it before.

At some point during dinner, surrounded by family. I thought I can’t do this anymore. 

I haven’t felt like myself and the more that I feel like I lost parts of myself…the more I just give up.

Then at the end of dinner, my niece comes around from playing at a different table. And just holds my hand. No reason and I was just standing there saying hi to her. That sweet little hand holding mine just reminded me why I stayed alive.

Ever since she was born, she has no idea how much she has saved my life without even knowing it. She means the world to me…she is probably the only thing in my life that puts a little smile on my face. I haven’t even told her mother that.

After that drive home of crying, I went to my room, opened my computer and started to look for therapists.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just felt like it had to be shared.

I want to share most of these moments. Hoping that all these words from these posts can relate to someone and hopefully can help them.

 

-Mel

Here’s to 2017.

This year has been a blur.

It went too fast, but then at some points…it felt like life wasn’t going anywhere.

& I was stuck in the same day-to-day routine.

I don’t want to set new year resolutions for 2017 because resolutions are typically forgotten until about February.

I had a lot in my mind this year. Many of them turned into blog posts and many of them just ended up in drafts.

Overall it’s been the hardest year for my depression. I have never lost my self so much within a year. Losing myself made me feel so numb to everything.

I don’t wanna relive this year again.
For 2017: I’m rebuilding myself little by little. I am not going to push myself to start new goals and try to follow through with it right away. I am still going to try to analyze the parts that are making me unhappy and try to take the necessary steps to find myself again.

2017 is when I turn 28.

18 was the year that I wanted to end my life. All throughout my teen years, I didn’t think about my future or what I wanted in my life because I knew that by the age of 18, I was going to end it all.

It’s going to be 10 years later. I stayed alive. I’m still here 10 years later.

Let’s see what this next year will bring us.

10 mins until midnight.

Here’s to 2017 & here’s to anyone that is lonely/depressed/feel as if they are not heard.

This is to us. We are not alone.

-Mel