I ruined it.

There is currently a dinner/ gathering/an event where family and food take place in my house and I’m hiding away in my room.

I have anxiety and these past 3-5 weeks, anxiety has been taking over my entire life.

It’s been taking over my physical side in which it’s been giving me headaches, making me exhausted but not being able to sleep, dry mouth and making my heart beat fast or irregularly.

It’s been taking over my emotional side in which I am very anxious. But my anxiety can either lead to being sad and quiet or angry and vocal (just a little bit vocal than quiet).

It’s been taking over my mental side in which my mind is messed up. It is constantly worrying about every single thing in life. It even gets worried about the thoughts my mind makes.  My mind is constantly bouncing from worry to worry. It scares me that I can’t even trust my mind.

Anxiety has taken over my social life, I don’t even have one but it affects it. No one texts me anymore and no one asks to hang out anymore. And it’s due to the fact that I don’t answer. Because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to risk having to hold in my panic attacks and go somewhere where I can’t easily escape. But I don’t want to lie and say I have to do something, when I don’t really have anything to do. So I don’t answer.

And from not answering, they just stop. And I understand.  But when you see them in person and they are obviously not talking to you, that’s when it gets you. Then you overhear them talking about plans with someone else, and that’s when you lose it and you hide in your room.

I ruined it.

You can’t make people care about you.

I always had this movie-like daydream that when you don’t answer or have answers that aren’t really enthusiastic that people will call you right away and ask you how you are. Then they come to your house and sit on your bed and they listen.

That doesn’t happen.

If someone is happy with their life, why would they want to spend their time with someone who is depressed and bring their mood down.

I get it. But it hurts.

-Mel

I used to have many nights like this. 

There are some nights like this where I just let my mind think & when it’s time for my body to sleep, it’ll sleep.

I have work tomorrow & I know I should start “forcing” myself to fall asleep.

But I’m just so overwhelmed with everything going on, that I just want to lay down and not make my mind and body do something that it’s not ready for yet.

I used to have many nights like this. 

When I used to have really bad insomniac nights, I would try everything imaginable to help me fall asleep. But I couldn’t. Then one night, I just gave up and just stayed awake until my mind and body were too exhausted and then naturally fall asleep. At one point when insomnia became part of my daily life, I would sleep at 5 AM every night(morning). That was every night for 6 months straight. 

Some people fall asleep naturally when they hit their bed or moments later. My body doesn’t fall asleep naturally. On nights where I have work the next day, I have to put YouTube videos that I’ve watched many times on a playlist to distract my mind so it can fall asleep.

On those insomniac nights of 5am bedtimes, I would just lay on the floor or on a different area on my bed in the complete darkness (I can’t sleep in complete darkness) with music on. Music that doesn’t make me daydream, just background music. And I would just live in the moment. Those moments I would just remember that I’m living. 

In my previous house, I had an amazing balcony. And on those insomniac nights, I would just sit out on the balcony. No music. No phone. Nothing. And just breathe. Breathe in the fresh, crisp chilly air. I would listen to the wind or the cars driving by, dogs barking or crickets. Those were my favorite moments especially in times of deep depression. I was able to breathe. 

I kind of miss those insomniac nights of 5am bedtimes. Just being able to let my mind slowly but surely rest. And just breathe. Not worrying about having to wake up a certain time. And pushing my problems away for a moment.

-Mel 

I wanted to drive off a cliff today.

Every situation that increase my anxiety causes more situations that further increase my anxiety.

Today was rough. It’s already rough being this dumb holiday. It has never bothered me this much in 5 years. I don’t know why it bothered me so much today.

Then situations at work that cause stress and children (students) that add frustration to that stress made me just want to walk out and never come back. Then hunger and irritability add to the mix. And then you’re stuck in traffic before you even get on the freeway.

I wanted to drive off a cliff today. I was driving. I looked to my right and saw a steep cliff. One quick turn of the wheel and BAM. DONE.

Nope. I just kept driving.

I’m exhausted.

Mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.

I’m done.

I’m done with my job that I’m not happy with and brings me more anxiety than any other job that I had in my life.

I’m done with this daily routine that my life has evolved to. It’s the same thing. Every week. Every day. Every moment. My life has become so routine that when the routine is just a tiny bit off the routine, my anxiety kicks in because I have become so accustomed to this routine.

I’m done with trying. Trying to be happy or even okay. Trying to put a smile or little smirk on my face.  Trying to be okay with how my life is going. It kills me to pretend to be okay.

I’m done with wanting to cry, but not being able to. Especially at this moment.

I’m done.

It’s the same. I’ve been writing about this for over a year now. I’m sorry for all this repetitiveness. But nothing has changed and I’ve felt this way for over a year now.

One of these days, I will write a post that finally relieves my anxiety and answers all my questions.

I just don’t know when that day is.

 

-Mel

Oh hello, again.

This # 124245453 of these posts that I started and I can’t just seem to find the words to finish it.

Let’s see if I actually finish this one.

Last week was rough. 3 weeks ago was rough. 4-5 weeks ago was rough.

My mind needs a break.

It has been going non-stop for the past year.

The more my mind has been bouncing back and forth with thoughts and the less sleep and rest that I get, it causes madness.

My anxiety is a big mess. My suicidal thoughts grow. My depression falls into a deep hole.

And I don’t talk to a majority of people in my life anymore. And it’s mostly my fault, well mostly my depression and anxiety’s fault.

My mind hurts. It’s a weird thing to say.  But the more that I think and feel, the more my my mind hurts and the more that my head hurts.

I can’t focus. I can’t sleep. I can’t be happy. I can’t be myself.

I need to get away. But I don’t know how to.

I honestly feel like the best thing for me is to get away from here. Go on a long trip somewhere by myself or move to a different city.

But..how.

I’ve been looking up Boston’s craiglist for places to live and places to work. But, damn it’s expensive.

So what do I do? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for over a year now.

I need to do something before that one day.
That one day when something happens and I reach that breaking point where I don’t care. I don’t care about what I do and who I affect.

-Mel