I was driving home from work and all these thoughts just flooded my mind and without any warning…I started to cry and cry.
There are many moments when I want to cry, but can’t.
That’s when my depression is the worst when I can’t cry. I just become so numb that it’s hard for my emotions to express itself.
I need a break.
I was going to talk about something else in this post.
But I ended up thinking…I need to take care of my mental health.
I felt the anxiety build up this weekend and felt it escalate more when I left work and was driving home.
Once I got home, I kept on telling myself that I’ll deal with whatever sh*t that I need to deal with on another day.
I need to breathe.
My anxiety has increased significantly for the past couple of weeks and I don’t know how to handle it.
I need a mental break.
I used to give myself these breaks a lot. But somehow I forgot about these and need to reintroduce it back into my life.
My definition of a mental break : a moment of minutes, hours or days where I take care of my mind. No worries. No deadlines. Letting my body and mind fall asleep whenever it’s ready and not force myself to sleep (even though it’ll kill me in the morning for work). Focusing on my body and my mind to notice the tension that depression and anxiety is putting on it and let it relax.
It’s a time for me to breathe, decrease anxiety and refocus my mind.
I don’t know when this mental break will end, it could be in the morning or the end of the day tomorrow. I might need to extend my mental break for another day, just because I had so many depressive thoughts and anxiety lately.
It will end when I’m ready.
I have failed in one subject: myself.
I don’t think I’ve ever failed any subject while in school.
I had a D once which is failing for me. But I don’t like that feeling.
I failed at being me.
How is that even possible?
I had two mini anxiety attacks today that just raised the question: What is happening to me?
This is not me. Every action, decision and word that come out of my mouth doesn’t feel like me.
I know that a majority of my posts lately talk about this.
But. It’s hard.
I have failed. And I need to raise my grade up to an A to feel like myself again.
I need to study more about myself.
I don’t know. I didn’t know. I couldn’t calm myself down.
All week I have been having the worst anxiety.
My heart is constantly beating fast and sometimes feels like my heartbeats are pounding irregularly. I feel like I can’t breathe and every time I take in a deep breathe, I feel like I’m choking. I feel numb physically everywhere. I feel like I’m on edge and get angry at everything and everything. I feel as if life isn’t real and as almost if I’m dreaming.
Today was one of the worst days ever.
I was already feeling anxious heading into this day. 14 minutes before I had to start my shift, I was about to get a panic attack and I couldn’t figure out how to calm my anxiety in those 14 minutes. I was already having a rapid heartbeat and couldn’t breathe. And no matter how much I tried to calm myself down before going into work, my anxiety levels increased significantly. I felt like it wasn’t reality and I was constantly feeling confused if I did this or that.
As soon as I got back from my lunch with a tiny bit of positivity going in. I kept on getting hit by so many things happening one after the other that raised my anxiety back up. An hour before my shift ended, I just gave up.
I had no ounce energy left in my body. I couldn’t do it anymore. I really just wanted to get up and walk out.
Having panic attacks is a horrible thing. Especially having one at work where I cannot control it or walk away to curl myself in a ball and let it happen is the absolute worst.
And I have no idea where it’s coming from.
That’s the crazy thing, it just came out of nowhere.
This is real life.
I often lay in bed at night.
With my heart beating fast and I want to cry but I can’t. Because I don’t like the direction that my life is going. But it’s not going anywhere. And that’s the problem.
And I tell myself that I need to change my life.
And I wake up the next day. And life is the same thing. I don’t change it. Then it’s night again and I have that same feeling.
How do I change this ??