Don’t think about it.

Easier said than done.

I left work on Friday with an uneasy feeling that made want to leave, due to an unexpected “announcement”. I couldn’t stop imagining the next couple of weeks with this unexpected announcement. I only thought about how much I couldn’t go to work because I was going to be filled with even more stress. I imagined how chaotic work is going to be and that I barely even survived this weeek.

Every now and then, I would think about it. But today I woke up and kept on forcing myself to not think about it.

I’m not there right now. I needed to relax my mind and not think about it, when I’m not there. 

It’s hard. It’s hard to make your mind stop thinking about something. But it’s easier to distract it, even for a couple of minutes. I began catching up on my shows on Netflix and drove to the store, just to get away.

I don’t know.

We’ll see how this week works. Last week, I gave myself one week. It wasn’t too bad.

But I think this week should be another test if I should stay or not. 
-Mel 

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I’m doing it all wrong.

There are days like today when I worry excessively. 

I worry about every action and decision that I make.

I worry that I forgot something or forgot to do something.

I worry that I didn’t hear something correctly and I’m making things up in my head.

I worry that I did something wrong.  Then something bad will happen and then it’ll be my fault. 

Why don’t I trust myself?

Why am I always worrying that I’m doing something wrong? 

Why do I need reassurance that the things that I’m doing are correct?

I’m tired of feeling this way. 

Not feeling confident in my decisions and trusting my mind… I hate this feeling. 

I just want my mind to relax. I want my mouth to stop clenching and stop grinding my teeth. I want this uneasy feeling inside of me to stop.

What can I do? 

-Mel 

One week.

I needed a break this weekend.

I spent too many days these past couple of weeks crying in my car on the way home from work.

I’m done.

I’ve worked so hard and I do my best not to complain and just do my job.

But this is not worth it. It’s not worth the fear of getting yelled at. It’s not worth the anxiety, frustration and exhaustion of trying to get everything done by yourself with little to no help.

I had to give myself a physical and mental break this weekend.

Yesterday, I drove to a cafe 20 mins away to get coffee. I didn’t do any cleaning, chores, etc. I basically laid on the couch all day yesterday. Same with today. No trader joes run. no getting food and clothes ready for tomorrow. I’ve just been laying in bed for the majority of the day.

I’m giving it one more week.

One week to see how this plays out. If there is some progress, then I won’t rush into getting a new job. If not, then that’s a clear sign to do something and make a prominent change in my life.

-Mel

How did you do it?

To my 15 year old self, to my 19 year old self, to my 22 year old self:

How did you go through it? How did you manage to get through it? Through rock bottom and still live.It seems like a blur to me now.

How did you not fucking just end things?

Oh because you did it for your family.

But.

I don’t know how I managed to get through that?

And this feeling feels familiar. I hate this feeling.

This feeling of not being able to connect what I want in my life with my current life.

The feeling of being in rock bottom.

This feeling hurts more than any physical pain that I’ve felt before.

I can’t seem to picture a future for me. It scares me.

& I don’t know.

I’m just so unhappy with my life.

And I just feel so pathetic because I’m stuck here.

Hearing a friend say “Oh you can invite your family or your brother” to her wedding, so I won’t be “alone”. My life is so pathetic/ so sad to have someone say that to me.

But I am alone.

I’m alone in my house with my parents and my brother (temporary).

I’m alone at work with my 20 something amount of co-workers.

I’m alone with my family (cousins, aunts, uncles) all 30 something of them.

I’m alone with my only friend I have.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I can’t.

 

-Mel

No more daydreams.

Something in me feels like I’m supposed to be somewhere else than where I am currently at.

I know that I want this to happen. But this is something that I’m feeling and not a daydream.

But the problem is that I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to do.

I’ve wanted this for so many years. To begin a new life in a new city and I think its time to start making that first move.

I’m tired of this day to day routine and consistently staying in the same place.

I’ve been researching this past hour for new opportunities and hoping that I’ll find something that will take me away from here.

It’s scary.

I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll do.

But I need to do it.

-Mel

 

Year 28.

Well I officially made it.

10 years of living. 28 years of life.

Happy Birthday to me.

But it actually doesn’t feel like my birthday. It’s June 5, the day I was born and it doesn’t feel like my birthday, but it feels like something is different. Something in me that I haven’t felt before.

And I can’t figure out what this feeling is…but it’s something that feels significant.

Feels. 

My feelings are emotional, but sometimes it feels so emotional that I feel it physically.

There is a small sense of hope in this different feeling that I have not felt in a long time, especially on my birthday.

Hope. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt…hope.

Many times I hope things can happen. I hope that something good can happen. I hope that I can meet someone right for me. I hope that one day that I can have that life that I’ve been dreaming of.

For once I can use hope in a different way. It’s not just a picture in my mind of things that I desire, but may not happen.

I am hopeful. I am hopeful of what is going to happen in my life. No matter what happens.

It’s weird. Because this is different, but it’s good.

I don’t have this long list of bullet points of what I want to accomplish in Year 28. I don’t have a definite plan for this year.

I don’t have this timeline of what I need to be and what I should do in this age.

I am not upset over the lack of birthday greetings and shout outs that I received. And I don’t care that I’m not doing something extravagant on this day.

I don’t care. 

This sentence has been in my head all day.

I don’t care. And it’s not caring for others and being kind. But in a sense that I don’t care of outside perspectives of me. I don’t care that I’m not in that place in time of where I’m supposed to be.

I don’t care if I don’t think of others feelings first. I’ve done this for 28 years. And it ends at the beginning of 28 years. Because I put others feelings first and in the end, I always get hurt.

And most importantly, I don’t care if anyone knows about my depression and anxiety. This is a part of me. For about 15 years now.

I don’t care how others see mental illness and put me in this particular category of stereotypes and stigmas.

I struggle. Everyone with mental illness struggles everyday. And I don’t want to hide this. I want everyone to understand this struggle.

Here’s to Year 28.

(aka happy birthday to me).

-Mel

9 years. 364 days.

I turn 28 tomorrow and it’s been 10 years since the age that I wanted to end my life.

My birthday is important to me. Not because it’s my birthday,  not because I turn another number. But because I’m alive and stayed alive.

I don’t know how I did it.

Because as much pain I’ve had, the countless amount of times when I hit rock bottom and the many thoughts of ending it all because I didn’t know what to do…. I’m here. 

A couple of days ago: I was having a panic attack crying on my way home because I didn’t wanna make it to 10 years. I felt like it wasn’t worth it. My life wasn’t worth it anymore. 

It’s hard. 

Everyday is such a battle with my mind, with depression and with anxiety.

There are days when I become numb that I don’t feel any emotion. 

There are days when I feel every single pain that exists in my mind and in my heart.

There are days when I have to act like a different person. I have to fake a smile and put on a personality that is different from how I feel. 

There are days when I cry in my car on my way home from work. Or I sit on the bathroom floor of my room in the fetal position having a panic attack and can’t breathe.

There are days when I don’t care.

There are days when I am filled with so much anxiety and worry about every little thing. That it affects my mind when I’m at work, when I’m driving and when I’m in bed trying to sleep.

There are those insomniac nights when I try everything imaginable to try to sleep. But I end up just staying up because my mind won’t let me sleep.

There are days where I have to walk away or drive away because I can’t handle life anymore.

There are days when I think “if I just end everything then I don’t have to feel this pain anymore”.

And if you think that suicide or contemplating suicide is for the weak or are selfish. You have no idea the amount of pain that we feel. 

I had depression since I was about 13. I turn 28 in 45 mins. 

All that pain I had in those 15 years could cause anyone to end their life. 

But I chose to live.

Not for myself. For my family. For the very few amount of friends that I have. Because I didn’t want to cause them the same amount of pain that I feel.

And if that makes me weak for ever thinking about it, then I’m a weak person. But I was strong enough to not go through with it and live for another 10 years. 

Happy birthday to me and happy 10 years of being alive.

-Mel