A different approach. 

Since these last few months at work have been difficult.

I’m going on a different route on how to handle tomorrow.

I’ve been anxious a lot lately. And having so many panic attacks. So my mind has been racing over everything and I get that weird knot in my stomach.

I feel as if so many bad shit has happened in the past couple of months that I have been anticipating more shit to happen. 

It’s just all going down from here.

So instead of assuming something bad is going to happen and have anxiety over it.

I’m just going to say that some shit is going to happen tomorrow and as of right now I can’t do anything about it.

I’m not going to force myself to sleep early so I can feel “refreshed” in the morning. But the more I force myself to sleep, the longer it takes me to fall asleep.

I also added in my planner:

To breathe.

& cry if I need to.

Whatever happens, happens.
-Mel 

Oh it can get worse…

What do I do now?

This is fucking ridiculous. (Excuse my language, but I can’t put it into any other words).

It basically all started in May.

My co-teacher (who was leaving in June) took so many days off and wasn’t preparing me for lesson plans or anything. Because we were so behind for our class’s graduation. And we were behind because she wasn’t there.

So she left and I felt unprepared. I barely had information on how to do things for my classroom. Like I knew what to do (only because I watched here), but she never gave me the chance to do the work or explained it when she was there. So I don’t feel confident on all the work that I do. I am so behind and overwhelmed.

The majority of June, I was alone in my classroom. My ratio was low which was good but I had to do EVERYTHING. And sometimes I never got to do work for my class during nap time because I was sent to help organize classrooms or help file or help in the baby room.

I finally got a new co-teacher two weeks ago. She’s nice, she always takes initiative and always wants to know how things work. At the same time on her first day there, I had 6 new kids transition in my classroom. Oh, and ants attacked my classroom the same day as well.

I’m glad and grateful to have a co-teacher that isn’t afraid to take initiative. But I’m just so pissed that my work shift has not changed. I get it, she has a kid. But typically when a new teacher comes, the teacher who has worked there longer gets the earlier shift. I don’t know why, but I think it’s fair to be honest. BUT NO. She gets the shift that I wanted, only because she has a kid to pick up. And I’m stuck with 9-6.

(On a side note, I don’t like 9-6. Because if I had plans with someone, I hate that they have to wait for me. Or sometimes I just cancel it. Also, I am exhausted by the time I get home from work. After I eat dinner, take a shower, get my lunch ready…it’s already 8pm. And it takes 2-3 hours for me to fall asleep, so I don’t really do anything after that.)

These last couple weeks have been exhausting. I was trying to show my new co-teacher how to do things. At the same time, trying to help my new kids to transition into my classroom. Oh and all of a sudden my older kids who have been with me for a year are acting out more and more. I’m at the point that I’m beyond over them. They have been showing my new kids bad behaviors, they have been so disrespectful towards me and my new co-teacher. Sometimes they act like 2 year olds and it takes a whole lot of frustration and anger to deal with them.

Since we have been low in ratio, they have been taking my co-teacher away to help with breaks. I can’t get any prep done when I’m by myself in my class. My eyes need to be on all my kids because I look away for one second… and someone gets scratched or kicked or someone is throwing toys.

After I’m done with my kids, I close in a different classroom. With kids worse than mine.

They scream, run around and push and kick each other. They don’t listen.

So to top it all off today, I get a list of new kids that are transitioning to my class on Monday. 11 kids.

11 kids. 11 kids. 11 kids. !!!!!

With my current kids in my class + those 11.

= I have a full class and my mind is going to explode. (Other teachers are shocked that I’m having 11 new kids in one transition, that’s how bad it is)

Oh and I’m still waiting on that promotion that I was told I was going to get.

I’m supposed to be a Co-teacher. I’m doing as much work as a Lead Teacher. But still getting paid as an Assistant Teacher.

For 2 weeks. I was told to say something about it because my boss won’t do it if I won’t say anything about it. What the fuck? If you’re a boss and are giving someone a promotion, you don’t just wait till they ask you about it. That’s not my responsibility to ask because she gave it to me.

I can’t catch a break.

I’m trying to keep positive.

But I can’t. I just keep getting hit and hit with all this dumb shit.

One more thing and I’m done.

I had so many anxiety attacks and crying on the way home from work.

PLUS SOO MANY HEADACHES (which I never really get).

It’s not worth it.

One more thing.

But at the same time,  I need some help with actually doing it. It’s hard because  when I feel weak and overwhelmed I either:  let it happen and just feel like shit or actually do something and just leave.

Any advice and encouragement is appreciated.

Thanks.

-Mel

 

 

Self-Care Sundays.

& Saturdays.

These past couple of weeks at work have been overwhelming, exhausting and filled with crying in the car on the 25 minute drive home from work.

As much as it makes me feel good to feel prepared for the work week…it’s a better feeling  to not do anything.

I was starting to feel overwhelmed trying to get things ready for the next couple of weeks.

So I stopped.

And I’m not going to do anything.

I want my anxiety to take a break before heading into another week of work.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense.

But I’m tired and I just want to say… take care of yourself.

I’m going back to doing nothing.

Happy Sunday.

-Mel

It’s All A Hoax.

It’s 10:50pm.

I know I should sleep because I could not function today at work because I was so tired.

But I decided to listen to “Fake Happy” from my favorite band of all time Paramore.

And it’s putting me in a good mood… and it’s weird because it’s about being fake happy.

This is my life.

I’m faking my “happiness”….

it’s all a hoax.

That smile is fake, the “I’m good” and “I’m fine” is all a show.

But “backstage” is where all my true emotions are hidden.

And that’s why I hate this stigma around mental illness.

I have to fake being happy all the time. Because of this stupid stigma.

I tell you all the time. No one wants to be around someone that has depression or any type of mental illness. Because they think it’s some type of disease and they don’t want to become exposed to it and catch the illness. 

But what if you say something not nice to someone with a mental illness ( but didn’t know had a mental illness) and that is a trigger for them. What it was the last straw for them and they decide to hurt or even kill themselves because of what you said?

Well it’s not your fault, you didn’t know…

But that’s the thing about mental illness and this stigma around it. We have to hide our struggles and pain because no one understands it. And because they don’t understand it, they start judging it.

65%-70% of the time I have to put on an act that everything is fine. From previous experiences, I can’t talk to anyone about my depression/anxiety. And I know that others with mental illness feel the same as well.

We don’t want someone to tell us to go seek therapy or to stop thinking about it.

My mind is messed up. And to tell me to make my mind stop bouncing off the walls with thoughts and anxiety is like telling me to complete a calculus problem….no that’s impossible.

Therapy is something that we need, medications are good… but optional.

But we crave comfort from the people we’re closest to the most. Loneliness can make our mental illness feel worse. 

We don’t need a diagnosis about our mental illness from our friends and family, that’s what the doctors are for.

We just want someone to be there for us. It doesn’t have to physically, it can just simply be a text saying “hey, hope you’re doing okay”.

We don’t want someone to solve all our problems.

Sometimes we just need someone to listen…because the more that we can talk about what’s bouncing around in our mind the more it starts to leave our mind. When we talk about our worries and anxieties, the more relief we feel because we’re not holding it in our minds.

Also, we don’t want unsolicited advice.

If you have never had depression or anxiety, don’t tell me how I should feel or what to do. It may be simple for you, but not for us.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

Overall,

Be careful what you say.

You may not know what is going on behind that smile.

-Mel

My “Second” Home.

I’m sitting in the same exact area that I used to spend countless hours studying in.

I used to work at this Panera Bread location for 6.5 years.

I would call this place my second home.

It was my second home because:

  • I would be working or studying here the same amount of time that I would be at home
  • My old managers and co-workers were amazing and felt like a second family to me.
  • It would give me a sense of comfort and belonging, whenever I would walk through those doors.

The last time I was here was about 2 years ago before I graduated college.

It took me a long time to come back here and visit.

This place holds a special place in my heart. I don’t know… I felt like I wasn’t emotionally prepared to come here because it was so special.

I guess I felt like if I came back here, I want it to give me that same feeling of “belonging” here. I was afraid to come here and not having it feel like “home”.  But at the same time, I wanted to come back to revisit a place that used to give me comfort.

I don’t know.

Today, I just decided to come here. I got to catch up with an old co-worker and now I’m sitting in the same exact place where I used to study.

I would sit here 2-3 hours before my shift started to study, I would even come here on my days off to study.

Instead of studying child development, I’m sitting here working on my lesson plans and my board descriptions.

Full circle.

-Mel

What if I can’t save myself?

This question popped into my head at the time I wrote my last post.

I  pushed it aside, but it popped in my head again today.

I always view my depression and anxiety as two minds:

  1. My depressive mind: is the place where all my: worries, negative thoughts and anxiety are stored. They come out of storage when my depression and anxiety get the best of me. This mind makes me think the worst of things. When this mind is active, I get panic attacks and feel like shit. This mind comes with: crying, shortness of breath and telling myself over and over “I can’t do this anymore”.
  2. My reality mind: this mind basically assures my depressive mind that everything will be okay. This mind tells the other mind to accept life. It tells my other mind that you cannot change people and circumstances that occur. This mind tells me to take a break, shake up my routine, go for a drive to calm down and that tomorrow is another day.

My reality mind has saved my depressive mind from hurting myself or ending my life so many times. 

So…I save myself from myself. 

But what if my reality mind can’t save my depressive mind.

What happens when that day comes that I’m pushed over the edge and my reality mind can’t help my depressive mind.

And the thing is…I’m tired of saving myself.

It’s hard to convince yourself that everything will be okay.

Because sometimes it’s not.

It’s not okay.

-Mel

Pain (Mental + Emotional+ Physical)

I don’t cut myself.

There are rare times like 5 mins ago that I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I scratch my arms really hard that it leaves a mark. 

I do that because I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I need to feel the physical pain with it.

Why ? If I’m in so much pain then why, would you want to physically hurt yourself? 

I don’t know why.  

It’s probably the same feeling as the people who cut their arms.

I’ve heard different “theories” . People cut their arms so they don’t kill themselves. Or cutting is just a step to killing themselves.

I don’t know why.

All I know and understand is this pain. 

This emotional and mental pain that I’m currently feeling is strong. It overtakes my mind and my body. 

Too many things are just hitting me and I’m currently past a point of being overwhelmed and exhausted. I got tired of holding it in, so I just started crying and getting anxiety attack and just looked at my arms and started scratching it.

It was one of those moments where you don’t think, you just do it. It’s something that just happened. It’s something that’s not good, but it felt good.

BUT, two seconds passed and I looked at my arms with the red lines and just cried because I realized what I just did. 

The red lines stayed. It’s still there. 

It’s just a visible representation of my current pain.

On a side note, I’m okay (kinda) right now.

I’m eating and have calmed down.

I’m not going to hurt myself more than scratching my arms.

I just want everyone to know that this pain is real and this happens to people.

-Mel 

A Sequence of Negative Thoughts

Yesterday or should I say this week has been exhausting, overwhelming and filled with anxiety.

On my drive home from work yesterday, my mind went from:                                                    “I left my blueberry muffin in my classroom and the ants or maybe mice will get it and I will find creatures in my classroom”

to

“I have no one that cares about me, no one calls, no one asks to see if I’m okay”

to

“Why did I stay alive?”

All in that 35 minute drive home.

Part I.

For the first part, I had my reality mind tell my depressed mind to stop thinking about it once I get home. Because there’s nothing I could do and I have to wait till Monday to deal with it.

The second and third part, my reality mind didn’t know what to say…. 

Part II.

You would think that if you opened yourself to someone about your depression and how you wanted to kill yourself, that they would be a supportive friend or cousin or whatever.

Nope. They stay away from you as if you had some disease that they didn’t want to catch. 

I feel as if I don’t know those people anymore. They don’t text anymore to hang out or at least say hi. And it feels awkward whenever I’m around them.

It’s very hard to accept that you don’t have any friends. 

Part III.

This part made me cry on that drive home.

This week was hard. It was exhausting and it was too overwhelming.

Was it worth it? Did I stay alive to experience this? Because if so, then WHY DID I STAY ALIVE?

Is it better to stay alive to experience this emotional pain with no support or just to end the pain altogether.

I already made the decision a long time ago that I would not kill myself.

But the question of: “why did I stay alive?” is always in my mind.

 

-Mel