OFF day.

I’m just not feeling it today or yesterday or the day before, etc.

I’m having an OFF day of being me.

I honestly felt like I was in a dream for the past couple of days.

I keep on forgetting things, feeling sluggish, feeling incredibly tired and at the same time getting increasingly irritated.

There are different factors to why I feel this way:

1. We are in a heat wave. 95-102 degree weather all week. (I have to go outside twice for about 45 mins at work)
2. Our AC is not working at my house, so my room feels like its 85 degrees at night (even with two fans on)
3. I can’t sleep when it’s hot. (I’ve been waking up at 1, 3am, and 4:30am).
4. I can’t function at work without any sleep.
5. Then it leads to all the things I listed above.

It’s a continuous cycle.

Most all I just feel numb.

It’s been hard the past couple of days.

And I know I want to cry, but I can’t.

I don’t know. I just needed to talk about this and not keep it in my mind.

-Mel

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Tiny Pieces of Myself.

It’s almost 3pm.

And I already:

• Went to the gym
• Finished all my work for work
• Went to Target and Trader Joes
• Cleaned my car
• Made my lunch for work tomorrow
• Paid bills

 

This productive day is making me feel like myself.

After feeling sick for basically two weeks, I gave myself an excuse to rest and be lazy.

But today I knew I had to get my shit together.

I set my alarm for 7:45am. Because I only like going to the gym in the mornings before it starts to get crowded. And if I get up past 8-8:30, I would’t feel motivated to go. I haven’t been to the gym in 3 weeks, but I was so motivated this morning. And that set the tone for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to stop.

After exercising, eating breakfast and getting ready.

I decided to drive to a Panera that is like 15-20m mins away. Even though, there are two Panera cafe’s like an exit away from me.

I don’t know. I like driving to places to do work, even if it’s like 15 minutes away.

It’s all about the atmosphere for me. I like being in a place that is quiet, but necessarily empty. If it’s too crowded and loud, I get really distracted and it takes me longer to finish work. If it’s empty, like with one or two other people in the place, I get anxious.

This Panera was perfect. For a Sunday morning, it was active but not busy. The music was perfect and I felt like I could get a lot of work done.

I missed this piece of myself.
This piece where I’m so motivated and productive  that I just keep going.

It makes me feel so much better when I can get lots of tasks checked off of my to-do list. Especially in one day.

I don’t know. I just wanted to share about this today.

Happy Sunday.

-Mel

Take a break.

After a week and a half with a throbbing headache and a terrible week at work.

I find out today that I have a sinus infection.

I had a doctors appointment in the morning. I went to work around 10:30am and left work around 11am. I was finally able to go home and rest.

So I’m taking advantage of it.

Theres a part of me that wants to do something productive like work on my resume’ or go to the gym.

BUT I got to go home early to recover and rest.

So that is what I’m doing.

I’m resting and having a sick day.

All I did was eat, watch movies and sleep.

Take a break when you need to.

For your physical, mental and emotional self.

-Mel

 

Escape.

I left town today.

To go to LA. More specifically Universal Studios.

I needed to escape. 

My friend and I have planned this trip since June. And many postponed plans later, we finally went.

After all that happened at work recently and my non-stop headache for a week now, I would typically just stay home to avoid any anxiety from happening. 

But I felt like I needed to go despite the fact that I had a pounding headache for 7 days now.

And I’m glad I did.

I needed to leave town. I needed to be in a new environment.

It didn’t even have to be a theme park, I just needed to escape.

But the thing that I love about theme parks is that I don’t think about all my problems and worries. 

I can escape and be transported to a different world. I can scream all my anger away on fast scary rides. I have a smile on my face from the fun of the rides. A real smile, oh it’s been too long. 

This feeling is refreshing. 

Whenever you get the chance, escape.
-Mel 

Panic Attacks: During, Before and After.

Panic attacks & cars.

Are two things that should not be in the same sentence.

I had a full on panic attack in my car today. 

[DURING]: I honestly don’t remember that car ride.

For those who have not experienced a panic attack before:

It kind of feels like you’re dying. Because you are crying so much that you feel like you can’t breathe. It’s the kind of crying where your whole body shakes. Your heart is pounding fast and you cannot focus on anything else besides the physical pain that you are feeling.

Yes. This is a dangerous thing to have while driving on the freeway.

And trust me, I tried my best to be safe.

But it just happened.

No warning. Got into my car after work and drove for not even a minute and it just happened.

[BEFORE]: I don’t remember the drive, but I do remember the events leading up to the panic attack.

Events:

I have been experiencing a throbbing headache since Saturday, it is currently Wednesday. I contacted my doctor and she wants to evaluate me. I don’t typically get headaches, especially 5 days in a row and definitely not a throbbing headache.

The earliest appointment is on Friday (I was actually hoping I could at least get half a day off). I asked my boss today about it and I got the opposite of what I wanted. I couldn’t do the appointment on Friday, I have to do it on Monday at 8:40am and I have to come to work after the appointment.

Pardon my words, but most of this fucking headache is to due to this fucking job.

All the work I’ve done and all the shit they put me through. I can’t even get a fucking half day off and I don’t feel good. Are you kidding me?

Then I had to deal with work for the rest of the day. But that’s not it.

My full class according to ratio is supposed to be 24. I had 25 kids today.

& they were definitely not quiet and were not listening today. I couldn’t get any work done because of this headache.

I typically have kids leave around 3-4pm.

It was 4pm and I had 23 kids still. And I got my break an hour late than I usually do.

Then my co-teacher had to leave at 5. And I had 21 kids around 4:45.

The teacher who helped me after 5 had to leave at 5:15. I was down to 14, but still OVER ratio.

I had to move two kids to another classroom and by the time I had to change classrooms to the closing classroom, I had 10.

When I switched classrooms, I was still over ratio with 15.

By the time I was supposed to bring the kids to the office, I was down to 6 kids who are crazy and push each other AND DON’T LISTEN (especially to a teacher that is not their teacher).

Fuck this.

All of this made my throbbing headache 10x worse.

And I can’t get help or answers about this headache until Monday. Thanks a lot work! I really appreciate it. I would of called in sick and made your job worse, but I was nice enough to set an appointment on a day that is convenient for you.

So that led to my panic attack.

And a trigger to panic attacks (at least mine) is when I have to hide my emotions.
When I really want to cry, but I can’t.

Holding it in makes me explode and it creates a panic attack.

[AFTER]: But if you didn’t know,

The feeling after a panic attack feels just as worse as a panic attack itself.

When I got home and stopped crying with my eyes red and puffy (if anyone asked, it was my allergies).

I felt nauseous. I still feel nauseous hours later.

I was hungry, but couldn’t eat. My stomach is growling for food, but at the same time it feels it can throw up that food.

I feel drained. No ounce of energy is left in me.

After dinner, I just went to bed and laid down.

My heart feels like it’s still trying to slow down from the panic attack.

I feel sleepy, but know I won’t be able to sleep anytime soon.

My body aches. Even inch of it.

And this headache, the headache that started it all, is in so much pain.

 

 

This is real. 

This happens to people.

I want you to know this…because no one talks about this.

This is not fun.

& I hate it.

 

-Mel.

 

Just like old times.

Work is chaotic as always.

I’ve said this so many times in these blogs, but I can’t catch a break at work. (I’m tired and if this post doesn’t make sense, sorry).

I’m overworked, I’m overwhelmed and I’m over it.

Just give me a chance to breathe.

I feel so behind on my work. I feel like I keep on forgetting things every single day.

I can’t focus on one thing. I literally go from one thing to another. Then I remember that I didn’t finish the first thing and then I forget about the second thing. Then I just feel like shit to be honest.

I don’t feel motivated to do anything.

This one memory came into my mind today.

Before one of my rock bottom phases of my life…

This was during my first year of college and I was really depressed.

This was after my ex broke up with me or should I say left me for another girl..

I would always skip class. Not because I didn’t want to go to class or took it off to do work.

I would skip class to go home and cry. I would go home and curl up into a ball in my bathroom and just cry.

This particular moment, I remember skipping my Spanish class.

I just couldn’t go. Mentally, emotionally and physically….I couldn’t go.

I texted my classmate that I was sick. I emailed my professor that I caught a cold. I wish I could just tell them I was depressed and couldn’t make it to class that day.

I was in such a deep depression that I didn’t care what would happen if I skipped class. It was a class where they actually took attendance and counted it in the grade. But I didn’t think about it, all I thought about was going home to cry.

My grades suffered during that time. I couldn’t concentrate and I felt behind in all my work.

That was the start of a dark phase in my life.

I didn’t care about my classes. I had to leave that University because my financial aid was dropped because my parents had a “good” salary that I didn’t qualify for it. We had moved out of our dream home because with that “good” salary, we actually couldn’t afford that home anymore. We had to downsize. Then that whole ex situation added to it. Then it just lead to a series of bad things…

And I didn’t eat. I couldn’t. I was too depressed to eat. My mind was filled with so many thoughts and worries that it couldn’t process that my body needed food.

I lost a lot of weight. Keep in mind, I’m already petite. I’m about 102 pounds currently, which is a normal weight for my height. But since I didn’t eat during that time, I went from 98 lbs to 86 lbs. I was way too underweight.

That’s when my insomnia started. I couldn’t go to sleep. I did everything I could. I would sleep on the floor because I thought it would stop my mind to let me sleep. Or I would just sleep at 5am when the sun was beginning to rise.

And I felt lost during that time.

 

I feel like that right now.

I want to skip work to go home and cry. I wish I could just tell them I need a mental day off .  I can’t concentrate because I’m so overwhelmed. I couldn’t eat my lunch today. I ate half of my sandwich and my string cheese. I wasn’t hungry. I find it harder to fall asleep every day. During my break, I just went to the bathroom and cried. I cried in my classroom.

I’m so lost.

 

-Mel