This is what Depression likes to do…

This week had its downs and ups, then it came down again.

As stated in my previous posts,

I had a pretty rough start to my week.

(BTW I started writing this on Saturday, but got so depressed that I’m finishing it on a Sunday).

I had my (official first) Back to School Night on Thursday.

I had nerves about it all week, but for some reason it didn’t turn into anxiety. I got nervous as it got closer to the time, because I had no clue what I was going to say. Also, I was worried that a parent was going to have a question that I didn’t know the answer too. And worst case scenario, a parent having concerns or upset about something.

But, it turned out to be the complete opposite.

All but 3 parents showed up. It was a pretty chill environment. They loved how our classroom looked like, they all seemed excited. I was NOT nervous, which says a lot because I hate talking in front of people.  They all seemed pretty happy at the end of it. Parents stayed till 15 mins after talking to us. But they were all positive responses. They were all excited for homework, the class, etc.

I felt great.

I haven’t felt this great about myself in so long.

But then Friday came..

I had a great sleep…didn’t wake up in the middle of the night and slept around 10:30pm.

But I woke up feeling like I only had 2 hours of sleep.

I felt so exhausted, had a huge headache and felt like I could fall asleep at any moment.

I had no motivation. I did the easiest activity for my kids, because I didn’t want to do anything.

I thought it was because I was tired from getting everything ready for Back to School night the day before. Or maybe, I was getting sick again because of the weather change.

That whole Friday night, I had no appetite because I felt so nauseous.

That exhaustion, sleepiness, lack of appetite, headache and nauseous feeling extended its stay until Saturday and now Sunday.

It took me awhile to figure out why I was feeling this way.

Then I started feeling irritable. Every little thing is bothering me and it’s making my anxiety increase.

I went to refresh myself in physical symptoms of depression. Because I just felt like it was something more than a cold or sinus infection.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/physical-symptoms

So I found out that I am greatly experiencing the physical symptoms of depression.

It makes sense.

This is what depression does.

I can’t really figure out what to say. Because I’m just so tired and not in the mood.

But I wanted to let you guys know about this.

 

-Mel

 

When am I going to change my life? 

It’s only Tuesday and I’m already feeling anxious and overwhelmed. 

Things are out of my control. 

And I don’t like it. I don’t think anyone likes it when there life is going a different way than they want it to go. 

I wanted this week to be the start of changing my life. Getting my resume done, looking for jobs, budgeting my money, etc. 

I wanted to work on my resume’ this weekend, but I didn’t feel good physically. I was tired, had a sore throat & had a huge headache. 

I have to do errands but it’s giving me so much anxiety that I have to do it another day.

I was looking forward to having a Disney Day in the beginning of October with my friend. But she can’t, and she tells me that she don’t think she can at this moment. I need that Disney day. 

I feel like my boss is discussing things more with my co-teacher as if she’s the lead teacher. And she’s still pretty much new. And basically, I’m just nothing. Oh, I still haven’t gotten that “promotion” that I was told I was going to get before summer started. 

I honestly feel worthless. 

I’m trying to be strong and trying to be motivated.

But I can’t. 

I can feel the anxiety building up in me. These small, but the shitty things that keep on coming up in my life are going to make me explode.

I know I have a lot of things to do and worry about.

But I need to focus on my mental health right now. 

If I need another day or days to calm my anxiety, then I have to do it.

Or else this anxiety inside me will…

I don’t know.

I texted the Crisis Text Line last time.

So I guess we have to decrease this anxiety before it escalates. 

-Mel 

Oh hey, I have Depression.

Today.

September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I have thought about ending my life numerous times in my 28 years of life.

Sometimes those thoughts were too close to…

Well. I’m here now.

I have been going back and forth with the thought of spreading awareness about mental illness, by exposing my own battles.

Especially on social media to family, friends, etc. (well on Instagram).

But today, I don’t care. I have been posting on Instagram showing clips of depression, how people perceive depression, songs that have helped me with depression and even this post.

I want everyone to understand mental illness. I want to spread awareness about it and stop the stupid stigma.

When you tell people that you have depression, they aren’t necessarily there for you.

They stay away.

Sure, some of them say to call them whenever you need them. But, they don’t respond when you actually need them. 

One of my friends always stays away whenever I say anything close to depression, not even saying the word depression.

It’s very obvious in text. Whenever I would share my feelings, I don’t get any response. It could be days, weeks and even months (the most was 6 months) where we didn’t talk.

But as soon as I mentioned something else completely different from depression, she would finally respond.

Cousins and other family members think that when I’m feeling depressed that they should just stay away and not talk to me. Especially during family get-togethers.

For the past year, I’ve been so tired of just pretending to be okay around my family. So I’m quiet and typically keep to myself. So, they just stay away as if I have a disease that’s contagious.

Many people do that.

They think that depression or any type of mental illness is contagious.

If they’re happy and you’re depressed, they stay away. They don’t want your sadness to affect their happiness.

That’s the way it is sadly.

I have written about how I wanted to die before. So I’m not going to repeat myself.

I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive. 10 years later after I wanted to die.

But I want everyone who has depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts to know:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

I am here for you. I understand and know what you are going through.

There are many people out there who feel the same way.

We can get through this together.

 

-Mel

 

Divert Your Mind.

It needs to change.

Everything.

Somehow in Starbucks this morning, this thought just appeared.

Divert your mind.

I’ve done this before.

When I got into my now Alma Mater, I just distracted my mind from depression and shifted all my thoughts to school work.

I need to divert my mind.

I don’t want to be trapped in my never-ending worries, “what if” statements, and telling myself that I’m alone, etc.

I want to focus on a couple of things.

  1. Work on my resume’ and start looking for new jobs.
  2. Research on mental illness.

I want so many things in my life: new job, new house, different city, write a book.

But if I just focus on these two for now, then hopefully I will achieve the life that I want.

This summer has been so shitty. I’m tired of all these bad circumstances hitting me. It affects my mind, it affects my sleep, it affects the lack of energy I have at work, it affects my exhaustion, and then depression just hits me.

I’m tired of this never-ending cycle.

Summer is over. Now is the time to get to work.

Change your thoughts, distract your mind.

 

-Mel

 

I texted the Crisis Text Line.

741-741

Something happened at work today and I was filled with anxiety because I was so confused on what was going on.

Today, I had two people ask about this one particular child.

Yesterday, I had that one particular child have a difficult time listening to me. (I close that classroom everyday at 5:30pm and he never listens to me…everyday).  I was reading a story, I asked him many times to be quiet. After the fourth or fifth time, I told him that if wouldn’t stop or listen to my words that I would bring him next door. He didn’t listen, so I carried him next door. I did explain to his dad that I had to bring him next door because he wasn’t listening. His dad was understanding and had his son apologize to me.

However, today his teacher asked me what happened yesterday and if there was any pushing involved. Then later in the day, my assistant principal asked “What happened yesterday between 5:30-6 with _______” I told her what happened (sent child next door for not listening). And she too asked if there was any pushing.

So that made me become anxious.

I talked to my co-teacher about it. And she was confused about the whole situation like myself. She did reassure me. She said that if they felt like I hurt their child in any way, then my assistant principal would talk to me privately (My assistant principal talked to me in my room casually). Also, she said that I’m a good teacher and I have carried children to another classroom before in a safe way that is not inappropriate and wouldn’t hurt them. Also, the other teacher was there when it happened and would be able to say what happened.

It gave me reassurance, but I still had that uneasy feeling in me. I cried at work.

I was driving home. I was supposed to go to a family dinner but I told my mom that I was tired and wanted to go home.

I didn’t go home. I cried. I had an anxiety attack.

All I thought about was that I’m going to get fired. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it, overanalyzing it and overthinking everything.

I kept on thinking about suicidal thoughts and kept on thinking “I should of killed myself when I was teenager”. It was getting bad.

I made a detour and went to my old neighborhood.

It’s a place where I feel at peace and feel safe.

I needed to talk to someone quick.

About a month ago, I watched this video about the Crisis Text Line. It wasn’t a suicide line, but if you were going through a crisis and needed to talk, they were there for you.

 

So while sitting in the park of my old neighborhood,  I texted “HOME” to 741-741.

I walked around the little park near my old house and around the neighborhood and the crisis counselor Emily talked to me. I explained to her what happened.

Her responses were what I needed “I can see why you’d have anxiety about that” and “It’s understandable that you’d be worried. I am wondering what part of it is giving you the anxiety, what are you worried is going to happen?”

I always wanted someone to talk to me like this. 

Because she addressed my anxiety and why I felt anxious.

She didn’t say, oh you’re fine, you didn’t do anything wrong.

She wanted to know the reasons for feeling anxious about the situation. That’s what I needed.

I got reassurance from my co-teacher, but I needed to talk about my anxiety from this situation.

She also gave me reassurance and it didn’t sound like she was just saying things to make me feel better. She actually listened/read what I said and was able to provide logical reasons to why I shouldn’t worry about this.

I was still feeling a bit uneasy about it and went to talk about more anxiety feelings about the situation.

She asked how long I’ve worked there. She said again that she thinks I didn’t do anything work. She also said ( similar to what my co-teacher said) that if they think I was inappropriate with a child, they would have a pending investigation on me.

Still feeling a bit uneasy,  I told her that I’m worried that I’ll come to work on Tuesday and they’re going to bring to the office to talk about it, because my boss wasn’t there.

She asked me, “Do you think you did something wrong? Do you think you should have handled it differently?” I had to think about it for a moment and said that I don’t think I did anything wrong.

Her response eased my anxiety, “I think you’re going to be just fine. It sounds like you handled everything appropriately”.

That last reassurance was the moment I felt that I could breathe again.

We ended the conversation on how to spend weekend and ways to stop thinking about it.

My view when the conversation ended was this:

IMG_0334.JPG.jpeg

I felt at peace.

 

I drove off feeling:

  • hungry (because I didn’t eat lunch and all the crying and anxiety attacks made me feel weak)
  • a little stressed because I was worried my parents would go home before I did and wonder why I wasn’t home, because I said I was tired

So I decided that I needed a treat. I had been craving Chipotle lately, so I went there and splurged with Guacamole in my bowl and a soda.

While driving home, I thought about the situation again. But I quickly stopped my mind and talked to myself.

I told myself the reasons that I shouldn’t worry.

Then I paused, took a deep breath and told myself “If something does happen and you get fired or any other bad thing happens…..Breathe. Accept it. Learn from your mistakes and Move On

Then those thoughts stopped.

I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
(I just thought about the situation again after typing that and told myself to stop).

I feel better and less anxious after texting Emily, the crisis counselor. I’m so thankful for her and the whole Crisis Text Line. 

After watching Youtube videos about it, I knew that one day it would be helpful for me.

Today was that day.

I knew when I was crying and driving on the freeway, that I didn’t want to spend my 3- day weekend thinking about this.

And I needed to talk to someone who understands and I texted 741-741.

She knew how to respond and the questions to ask. She didn’t say things just to make me feel better. She looked at my situation and said her opinions on it and THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER.

Again, she asked me questions about my anxiety. She understood that it would make me feel anxious. But she wanted to know particular reasons on why I was anxious about it and the different outcomes that I was worried about.

I am going to rest this weekend, but at the same time stay busy to stop thinking about it.

I’m going to tell my mind to stop when I think and analyze the situation.

 

If you are ever feeling anxious/depressed like this, text them.

741-741

They understand.

 

-Mel.