Sometimes it happens on a Monday.

I usually don’t get this lack of motivation and feelings of anxiety until Wednesday.

But it happened on a Monday.

I had a great anxiety free 4 day weekend.

I felt great.

I didn’t feel tense, I wasn’t worried as much and I didn’t let my thoughts take over my entire mind.

But as soon as I went to work today, I could just feel the anxiety creeping up.

I tried as hard to stay positive, keep ahead of schedule and complete tasks early.

But I could just feel the anxiety slowly building inside of me.

As soon as I started overthinking a small thing, it grew into scenarios in my head. Then I feel lost and confused about everything. And my head starts to hurt from the thoughts and worries spiraling back and forth in my mind.

And BAM! my anxiety is back.

I gave myself a little break when I got home.

And then kinda stressed over what to get for Christmas presents.

Then I remembered that I never made my lunch for tomorrow.

And…..

^#%Y#*Y%*#Y%#*%&#*&%(#*$@*$!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s my work.

Work is my trigger for my anxiety and I know it has been.

For those who have read my blog for the past couple of months, you have read all about it. And you probably have thought, QUIT YOUR JOB!

 

Why have I stayed?

When it gives me a lot of anxiety, it stresses me out, and other things that I just don’t want to mention.

To be honest, my strive and motivation is gone.

I feel like this work gives me so much anxiety that I am just exhausted all the time: physically and mentally.

It’s hard to be motivated when you’re so tired.

And there are other factors I have to think about.

As much as I want to start sending in applications now. I need to find the right work for me. Where it shares the same educational goals that I do, has a positive environment and  is a place where I would want to work for the next couple of years and grow as a teacher.

Additionally, it’s the Holiday season.

If I happen to get a job around this time, I would like to have days off for Christmas time, etc.

And other factors.

I guess I just need to start editing my resume’.

When I’ll start doing  it, I’m not sure…

Oh man.

I need to sleep…

 

Goodnight.

-Mel

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Preventing Anxiety Triggers

Oh Hi There!

It’s been awhile.

But I’m back.

I have been experiencing lots of anxiety and depression episodes lately. No surprise.

My anxiety and depression has not decreased at all these past couple of days, weeks or months.

I’m to the point of thinking “Am I just making excuses or am I really feeling this much of anxiety?”

It’s not excuses. I just can’t deal with anything making me anxious or depressed anymore. 

I was feeling too much anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed so much during family parties. I feel so tense when I’m around my relatives.

I can’t really sleep (Besides the 10 hours I slept last Friday night). If I sleep early or on “schedule”, I always wake up at 3 or 4am. If I sleep later, I can’t sleep till midnight or 1. Even when I was extremely sick two weeks ago with a virus that I couldn’t come to work with, I COULD NOT SLEEP. I felt the worst I’ve ever felt and I barely slept those 3 days.

I have been avoiding things or altering my decisions to prevent anything and everything that causes me anxiety. I just can’t do this anymore. 

At the family parties, I’ve stayed away and kept to myself. Because if I try to stay with everyone else, I can just feel tense and my anxiety starts increasing.

At my Professional Development Day training for work and such. I just stayed away in my car during lunch like I usually do. Because being with everyone made me too anxious.

Today, I avoided or stayed away from just asking my boss a question. I requested to take off on Thursday for a dentist appointment. But with my virus that kept me away from work for 3 days, I forgot to send in a request until last week.

It had not been approved even until today. I don’t know when my boss is in a good mood or not and I don’t want her to get upset with me like the time in May. So instead of asking her about it, I cancelled the request. And I scheduled a different appointment. I didn’t want to risk getting yelled at and getting more anxiety. (But to be honest, I’m getting anxious that she actually saw the request and made arrangements for me leave..so I have to be prepared on what to say if that actually happens).

I’m trying so hard to calm down.

I can’t figure out what to do to calm my anxiety at this moment.

Avoidance and prevention is all I could do right now.

It’s a small thing, but it’s something.

 

-Mel