That moment when you give up.

I give up.

My life has been too overwhelming, especially in the past couple of months.

It hasn’t gone any better and I give up.

I haven’t had any moments of feeling happy or even content with life.

I have spent the past couple of days (which was during Christmas) feeling so isolated with my relatives. Every time I come into the room, the energy changes and they all look at me in a different perspective than before.

I can just feel the stares and awkwardness whenever I’m around them.

They don’t really talk to me. If they see me sitting by myself, they don’t do anything and just leave me alone.

I’m at the point where I give up.

I already feel shitty about myself and when my family doesn’t try to talk to me, I give up.

I worked today. Apparently there was plans to go ice skating and such, but I didn’t know about it. So I worked today. Then I got off early and texted to see what was going on. Then my brother took a long time to contact me back. My anxiety grew and grew. So I gave up. When he finally called back and after my panic attack, I didn’t care anymore of being with my cousins.

If they don’t make an effort, I’m not going to.

They probably wouldn’t want me there anyways. I’ll ruin all their fun.

I give up on them.

There was many moments while driving around and crying where I just wanted to give up on life entirely.

It sucks when you feel so bad about your life, and there’s no one to support you.

Or at least, there’s no one that stays.

Or even tries.

-Mel

Unexpected Occurrences.

This year.

Or should I say: these past 6 months have been unbelievably difficult.

My requests for days off in the past 5 months have been due to:

• A sinus infection
• Going to the ER to help my mom
• My uncle’s funeral
• AN UPPER RESPIRATORY VIRAL INFECTION that lasted 3 days!
• A dentist appointment, then another one today (which ended in scheduling 2 more appointments because I have to get a root canal)

I have been wanting to take days off for a break or a vacation for the past 3 months.

But with all these unexpected occurrences happening, my anxiety is telling me that I shouldn’t take personal or vacation days off. Because I took so many days off for family or medical issues. And I don’t know. I shouldn’t overthink it but that’s what anxiety does.

But let me tell you what my anxiety and mind is telling me right now.

I was getting anxious about this appointment. I don’t know why. I had a crown procedure before. But when I woke up, I just felt really anxious about this appointment.

I didn’t feel like myself. I just felt off and out of place all day.

Then going to my appointment, I was running late and getting more anxious.

As soon as I arrived, I got more anxious because they didn’t start until like 30 mins later. And I got even more anxious.

Then as soon as they got into my procedure and they hit that one nerve where my cavity was, I just knew that I had to get a root canal. I was going to toughen up and just finish it to get it over with. But my aunt (aka also my dentist) knew that it wasn’t going to work and I had to get a root canal.

My anxiety is exploded at this point. Because I had to make 2 appointments. My boss and co-teacher will love me.  And I have to wait until the new year because the specialist didn’t have any this week and was closed next week.

When unexpected occurrences happen like this, my anxiety can’t handle it.

My mind can’t stop thinking about it.

I just thought about this too. That I am very concerned with time, I don’t like wasting it. I don’t like being late for anything, I don’t like when plans have to change or get postponed or doesn’t happen.

And so I am getting anxious thoughts of why did I take half a day off just to get poked with tools in my mouth and then nothing happens, nothing was accomplished.

Those are my anxious thoughts.

I can’t stop things that happened and I can’t go back in time to prevent these occurrences from happening. Things happen and we can’t do anything from doing it.

I don’t know.

-Mel

The Thoughts That You Don’t Want to Keep.

Those thoughts.

Those thoughts of awkwardness, embarrassing, cringey, “AHHH!”, “why did I do that”. The thoughts that make you upset. The thoughts that make you nervous and scared. The thoughts of past moments that you didn’t want to pop up in your mind.

These are the thoughts that you don’t want to keep circling in your mind over and over again.

You don’t want to think about it, but yet it just stays there.

So how can you get rid of those thoughts?

It’s probably different for everyone.

But this is what I do: (hopefully it can help someone?)

• This one might make you look crazy. But it helps. I literally tell myself to stop thinking about it. This is weird because I hate when others tell me to stop thinking about things. But just talking to yourself can help. I tell myself the facts of why things occurred the way it did. And I tell myself that it happened and I can’t do anything about it at this moment.
• I distract myself in different ways. Sometimes I watch Youtube vlogs and have a marathon or watch a new movie or documentary. Other times I have to do some type of art: painting, sticker art, coloring, etc. When I’m in the mood, I organize something in my room. And sometimes, a nice trip to Target or Michaels can help distract my mind.
• Sometimes I just have to drive away, somewhere that I can just breathe. That time when I first texted Crisis Text Line, I had so much anxiety and knew that thinking about  the situation that had occurred would not leave my mind. And so I drove away to my old neighborhood. I feel like I could breathe when I’m over there, so it was the perfect place to go. I used to drive to the beach and just feel the breeze and can feel so much better.

 

(I’m tired from today and don’t know how to end this post)

Goodnight.

-Mel

Why I try to hide my emotions.

By having anxiety and depression, I have to hide my emotions.

Because as I have said many times, no one wants to be around someone who is depressed. If you’re feeling down & others feel great, they don’t want to be around you and feel down too.

I don’t like having the thought of showing my feelings to others and have people judging me or giving me advice I didn’t ask for.

So I have to hide it.

Also I believe that strong emotions can have an effect on others.

For example, today my co-teacher seems like she’s in a pissed off mood. And I can feel it having an effect on me. I felt fine waking up, but as soon as I got to work, I just feel irritable because my co-teacher is in a bad mood.

I always try my best to give the appearance that life is good and that I’m content with life.

I want to provide positive vibes to others. So they can feel good too.

I know that it’s not good for my mental health to hold back my feelings and conceal them.

But honestly, I’m just a nice person.

I treat others on how I would want others to treat me.

I don’t want to share all my anxiety and feelings of depression to everyone. Because I don’t want others to feel this way.

I would never want anyone to feel the way I feel.

Have a great day.

-Mel

That One Thought that Ruins your Day.

This happens almost every week.

That tiny moment of feeling great about myself, getting things done and starting to feel like myself just vanishes after one thought.

That thought turns to overthinking, then I feel the anxiety building inside of me. Then my head hurts, my jaw starts to get tense and I start to feel body aches. Then my thoughts explode and I think of every single possible thing that is “wrong” with my life. And I get depressed. where 

I hate social media. I don’t get why I’m still on it.

At least I should delete everyone in my life on it and keep it as an account for mental health support. Which I’m trying to do.

(I’ll do it in the new year)

This is one of those posts where I don’t finish writing my thoughts because it’s getting late and I’m tired.

Talk to you later

-Mel