There were days when all I wanted to do was be in my room, on my bed crying.
I couldn’t leave, I didn’t want to leave.
In my second year of college…
I would drive all the way to school, drive around trying to get parking. And before the class even started, I would get in my car and make the 20 min drive back home.
I didn’t want to be there, I knew I had to be there but I couldn’t.
That memory of walking down the stairs from my class and leaving 10 minutes before the class started is forever in my mind.
It’s so significant because that is not me.
That is depression.
And that moment, was rock bottom.
10ish years later, I can get out of bed and go to work.
But depression appears in different ways. And now anxiety comes in alongside depression.
Sometimes it takes me 5 days to call my dentist and make an appointment. Because I thought of every possible worst scenario to come out of it.
Sometimes I can’t talk to anyone because my mind is too overwhelmed with worries and overthinking that it makes it impossible to carry a conversation.
Sometimes I can’t finish my damn resume and look for other jobs because my current one affects my depression and anxiety.
That is depression.
Or some days, I feel like saying “I can’t do it today, I have too much anxiety”.
What will happen? What will happen if I actually say these sentences.
I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever know.
Anxiety and depression don’t appear like valid excuses. It might be seen as laziness to others.
I have put off tasks or haven fallen behind on getting things done because of my anxiety and depression.
I was supposed to call my dentist right after my root canal last Tuesday. But I became so overwhelmed this past week and I just put it off.
I knew I had to do it, but:
overthinking about the situation + anxiety + hunger (due to the root canal) + more overthinking + overwhelming events at work
= I can’t do it.
Anxiety & depression don’t appear like an “excuse” and it’s not an excuse.
Prevention of panic attacks. Prevention of becoming too overwhelmed and exhausted that it will lead to more symptoms of depression and anxiety.
I can’t do it today because I need to take care of my mind and myself.
That’s what I want to say.
I probably have written something similar to this subject many times.
But it’s always been like this and it’s so frustrating.
Missed opportunities have happened.
Plans have overlapped and sometimes they cancel each other out.
& overall it just ends with stress and frustration.
I know that I can’t control events from happening, being delayed or cancelled.
I know that in the near future, I will understand why things happened the way it did.
But in that moment, it feels as if everything is against me.
As much as I’m worried about everything else in my life, I am overly cautious and/or preoccupied with everything that is involved with my physical health.
I can’t tell if certain symptoms are really occurring in or to my body…. OR if my mind is tricking me.
Sometimes I don’t do anything about it, then it turns out to something that needs medical attention. OR sometimes I do something about it, then it turns out to be nothing,
But very few times, like those 3 times in the last 6 months where my mind wasn’t tricking me. And I didn’t waste my time seeing a doctor or my dentist.
But every time, I feel like something is wrong with my body then I start worrying about it.
I had some teeth break in the past and after those incidents, I became worried about how I eat. If I eat something and something feels unusual, then I start to panic. ( I just did this like 30 mins ago). Sometimes, well most of the time I feel like there’s something stuck in my throat. (But I believe the feeling of a lump in my throat can be due to my anxiety….or is it?).
I become so worried and then I start to look things up online.
Yea I’m one of those that checks my symptoms to see what I can have. This is part of the problem.
Then my mind thinks and overthinks about it so much it feels, as if those symptoms are intensifying.
But was it real?
Or is it my body sending me signals or is it my mind?
I don’t know.
But, this is one of the horrible thoughts that my mind goes through on a daily basis.
As I’m waiting for the new year to start in my room watching the New Years Eve special, I’m thinking about how I used to think about New Years Eve.
I heard somewhere when I was younger that how you spend your New Years Eve is how you’re going to spend the year.
So if you’re spending it with family, you’re gonna spend your year with your family.
One New Years Eve I was at Disneyland with my boyfriend and he “broke up” or left me for another girl 3 weeks later.
I always believed that New Years Eve is supposed to be a glamorous life and I needed a special someone to spend it with.
But as the years weren’t matching up to New Years Eve, I grew accustomed to spending my New Years Eve in my pajamas at home.
2 more minutes.
I don’t know what 2018 will bring.
But I’m going to make it a good one, no matter what.
Happy New Year.
Happy new beginnings.
I never really realized how difficult this year was until this morning.
When the worker at Trader Joes kept on asking me questions about how my year was and “What was your favorite part of the year?”
It threw me off…
I could not think of any moment that was memorable. I could not think of any singular moment that I felt accomplished or happy.
I didn’t have a favorite part of this year.
It was a hard year. This year was a blur.
I have to check my photos to remember what happened other that having depression and anxiety.
My battles with depression and anxiety took over my life, especially in the last 6 months.
But I have been more straightforward about my mental health. I have posted on social media about it, not for any help from friends or family. I want everyone to know and understand mental health.
- I am working more on informing and educating others about mental health.
- I am looking for the right therapist and trying therapy again.
- I am taking care of my mental and physical health.
- I am trying to motivate myself more, so I can get things more accomplished.
- I am learning to accept things the way that they are and that sometimes I can’t do anything about it.
- I am doing more things for myself. Self-care is the most important thing.
- I am letting go of things/people that are not supportive in my mental health.
- I am looking for a new direction in life whether it be a new job or not, that will be the right fit for me. I don’t like going into work with anxiety, I can’t do it anymore.
- I don’t want to live day to day with anxiety or depression symptoms anymore.
- I want to share more of this mental health journey on this blog and social media.
It’s the end of the hardest year
and the beginning of a fresh start.