When you give up on someone because they gave up on you.

I’m so tired of cutting ties and any connections with those I used to be close with.

It’s happened so many times with so many people.

I come across photos and memories with people. And thinking about how my relationship with them isn’t the same anymore breaks my heart.

Because I’m tired of caring more about them than they care about me.

I’m tired of being the one to make an effort to text about something.

And when I do stop texting, they don’t text at all.

They don’t make an effort, so why would you make an effort anymore

You get an occasional “let’s hang out soon” then it turns to “sorry, I was busy. Let’s hang out _____”

They say they’re “busy” but somehow have time to hang out with others.

I’ve heard this a million times from so many people.

It hurts. So I’ve been hurt a million times.

At some point, I just have to cut any connection with them.

It affects my mind, my mental health.

And once I start getting upset about it, my mental health suffers. And my mental health comes first.

-Mel

I’m OVER thinking.

In the past 2 nights,

I have slept a total of 6, quite possibly 6.5 hours

6 hours of sleep in 48 hours.

I’m OVER overthinking.

These past couple of weeks have been filled with: stress, more stress, unexpected occurrences, deadlines and no rest.

With all of that happening, I started to get anxious.

Which is normal for me.

It started happening over my 3 day weekend, which had no rest as well.

Then my supposedly one hour dentist appointment (on my day off) turned into a 4 hour appointment, which almost caused a panic attack.

Then to top it all off.

That night, I woke up in the middle of the night. The heater was on and it became too hot that it woke me up. When I woke up, I discovered that part of my temporary crown started to crumble near the gums and the pieces were on my tongue.

I immediately became panicked at 2:30am. Because how did it start to break while I was sleeping. It was hard for me to fall back asleep because I was afraid the whole tooth was gonna break.

Then more thoughts appeared in my head. “What it breaks more and I have to go back to the dentist to get a new temporary crown?” “My dentist goes out of town on Wednesday.” “It’s the day after a holiday, I don’t think I can ask to go there tomorrow”.

More and more thoughts came up one after the other. And it became 4am. And my alarm is at 6am. I went in and out of sleep because pictures of my temp crown breaking went into my head as I was sleeping.

So probably total time of sleep was about 3 hours-ish.

It didn’t stop there. I was getting anxiety the whole day because of this. I called the dental office and they could only see me at the moment. But I was filled with so much anxiety, I didn’t want to even try asking my boss.

With that 3 hours of sleep, I spent the rest of my day finding dentists that could accommodate my schedule just to fix this temporary crown. I was so sleepy but I was so anxious about it.

I fell asleep that night around 10:45. I woke up at midnight. And I noticed that more of the temporary tooth started to disappear. And the thoughts appeared again….

“What happens if I can’t get this fixed soon and I get another cavity, then it’s another 5 appointments”. “Is it breaking more, I swear it wasn’t like this before I slept”. “Is it because my teeth clench especially while I sleep”

So I was awake from Midnight until 4-ish.

So maybe 3 hours of sleep total again.

It is currently 12:15am. I’ve been trying to keep myself up, so I can just sleep for hours straight.

But in all reality, it’s because I’m worried about this damn temporary crown breaking more.

Why do I worry about these things? 

Why can’t my mind just accept that I’ll get it fixed on Monday morning? Why can’t my mind just stop thinking of every possible outcome (all negative) from this situation? “Why can’t my mind stop checking this damn tooth every minute?”

There are more important things that I should be doing but can’t. DUE to these thoughts.

I’m over this.

I’m over anxiety.

I’m over overthinking.

I’m over thinking.

-Mel