I Let Depression & Anxiety Win.

It took me awhile to find the right words to express what occurred in the past week.

I’m still trying to find the words…

It feels like a blur, but at the same time I can recall every feeling that occurred.

Those feelings, mann.

I’m still struggling to find the right words to explain how I feel,  it is close to gut-wrenching but worse.

It breaks my heart to write this because I have to go back to those moments.

I could feel it a week ago (Sunday).

I woke up and immediately felt the anxiety building up. I didn’t pay too much attention to it. But I knew something was there.

On Monday, the anxiety was increasing. Nothing too bad occurred but I still felt anxious.

It all went downhill on Tuesday. With the anxiety that had built up the day prior and with all the stressful occurrences that happened at work….it led up to a panic attack.

I don’t know the exact moment and what I was thinking that created that panic attack. It was all a blur, I just remember all the crying and how I couldn’t breathe. It was on and off for about 45 mins.

After that, I couldn’t get up. I felt like I wanted to lay in my bed and never get out.

It was one of the worst panic attacks that I’ve ever had. That’s when I know that  I let depression and anxiety win. 

The days after that leading up to today, I still feel so drained and exhausted from that one panic attack.

Wednesday and Thursday, I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I was getting very anxious about getting another panic attack. I felt like I kept fidgeting and going from one thing to another to another. I couldn’t stop my mind from worrying and overthinking. I felt like I couldn’t calm myself down.

Thursday, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Work was very stressful and to top it off, I was on my own on Friday. So the more I thought about my anxiety or my panic attacks or work the next day, the more I felt like I couldn’t breathe. To make matters worse, my co-teacher just left abruptly without a word & didn’t give me a chance to prep for the next day. So it made matters worse.

That night I was so immersed in anxiety and depression, I texted the Crisis Text Line. And the crisis counselor had to ask me if I was thinking about suicide, that’s how bad it was (I made a promise to myself awhile ago not to kill myself, no matter how bad it got). My feelings, my anxiety and my thoughts were so bad that it can become suicidal thoughts.

Friday, I did my absolute best to calm myself down. I knew it was going to be a stressful, anxiety triggering day. So I treated myself to donuts before work, I went to work early staying in my car just to compose myself. Work was not as stressful as the days prior which made me become able to breathe again. At the end of the day, I just let myself fall asleep naturally when I was ready due to the fact that I was just beyond exhausted.

10 hours later I woke up. I slept in a little bit later than I usually do, I was so disoriented and my anxiety began again.

I had a Wedding Shower and a Birthday Dinner that day and I couldn’t go to either one of them. My anxiety had overwhelmed me to the point where I felt like I wasn’t there. Then my headache grew along with my anxiety and it completely drained all my energy. I went to do a couple of errands, but besides those two errands I was completely exhausted. I barely ate anything that day, even though I was really hungry.  I was withdrawn from myself and my surroundings and all I wanted to do was sleep. I took a nap around 3-4pm and felt like I could lay in bed for the rest of the day.

Today, I don’t know.

I’m still recovering from this past week and I’m anxious for the new week.

I don’t know what to say…but I’m trying my best.