I can’t breathe.

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath waiting for something good to happen.

And I just feel like I keep on getting knocked down and can’t breathe.

I hate that I feel this way.
I hate how no matter how hard I try or how hard I work to make my life better…

I will always get knocked down by someone or something and I have no one to help me up.

I’m tired of this never-ending cycle of feeling like shit, feeling worthless and feeling that I can’t do this anymore.

When will it end?

When can I live my life and feel like I can breathe again?

-Mel.

How did things change so quickly?

I was looking at this photo montage video that I made myself for my 25th birthday.

It was basically my life told in photos along with transitions and Coldplay playing in the background.

From about 2004 until 2014.

So many memories. So many moments of pure happiness.

So many people that used to be part of my life are in so many of those photos. But they are not part of my life nor have been part of my life in many many years.

So many places that I went to, so many events that I was part of.

And I noticed something in all my photos: my smile. 

It was pure. My smiles back then in those photos, they were pure. 

When I look at photos of myself lately probably in the past couple of years. I honestly don’t like them and think I look ugly.

Because my smiles are fake. It’s not the same smile as those photos in that montage. 

And that just makes me so sad to realize that.

And what makes me sad is that if I made another montage today and updated it, I would barely have photos from the past couple of years.

So what happened?

How did things change so quickly?

4 years later turning 29.

And I don’t smile the same anymore.

 

-Mel.

When Depression makes you Angry.

My birthday is a major trigger.

And I’m at that point pre-birthday where I’m angry.

Angry at myself, angry at others because I’m angry at myself and angry at my life.

I’m going to be another year older and the question comes up ” Was this how I pictured my life going into my 29th year?”

And then I start criticizing and attacking my life.

It starts with one thing and leads to another and another.

And I’m fucking angry.

Angry at myself for the decisions I made and that I am not where I wanted to be at this age.

By the way, this is my depression speaking. 

Since today was a holiday. I wanted this extra day to get stuff done.

Instead of going to a coffee place down the street. I drove like 25 mins to a coffee shop.

I just needed to drive.

I wanted to be absorbed in my feelings and my emotions. And the only way I could do that is if I drive.

There were a lot of emotions, pain and regret in that drive.

-Mel

My Birthday is a Trigger.

One of the realizations that I had while driving to work this morning was how my birthday is an anxiety trigger.

It’s my birthday in 11 days.

And as it gets closer and closer to the day, I get really anxious and start feeling the downward spiral that depression makes you feel. This happens every year.

After how badly my birthday went last year and the year before and probably 10 other times.

I didn’t want to do anything this year. I didn’t plan anything a month in advance like I usually do.

I’ve been to Disneyland so many years for my birthday and I didn’t want to go this year. That’s how bad it is.

Because I knew that I didn’t have anyone to go with.

My mom keeps on encouraging a family dinner with relatives or like last year invite them to Disneyland when I only wanted to go by myself. And I felt horrible.

I don’t want to celebrate with my relatives anymore. My only real friend just got married and has stopped asking me about my birthday plans for a couple of years. So I stopped celebrating with her.

I’ll explain more as #mentalhealthawarenssmonth comes to an end and my birthday comes closer.

Anyone else feel this way with their birthdays?

-Mel

I Survived the Day I Feared the Most.

It’s 9:45pm.

On May 19th.

I have been waiting/anxious for this day.

My best friend got married.
I am beyond excited for her and her new husband.

As much as I’m excited for her to get married, at the same time I was getting a lot of anxiety about that day.

I didn’t think that anxiety would hit me that hard that I had the step outside multiple times because I couldn’t stay in the venue.

I wasn’t anxious during the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner. The morning was good, was calm and not nervous. As soon as the cocktail hour started, everything else fell apart.

First of all, being in my late 20’s in a room with 80% of people my age, they had dates. I did not.

My friend invited my parents because we’ve been friends for over 10 years and we both know each other’s parents.

But it was super uncomfortable. I was in a table full of people my age + my parents.

So the anxiety started.

While waiting for the food, I started feeling the anxiety. So I asked my parents to drive me back to the hotel and get my car (so I can leave right after). Then I said that I needed to get something from the car. Then I said that I needed to go to the bathroom, I didn’t need to go. Then I just left and I did go to the bathroom. Then I left another time, then again.

Then I texted the Crisis Text Line.

I just needed to look at my phone and get someone to talk to.

I knew that I was going to feel like this during the wedding.

It happened. And with everything else that happened prior to this wedding (aka a car accident). I just need to breathe.

I am going to take the entire day tomorrow to breathe.

If I need to lay in bed all day to breathe, then I will. If I need to leave to get away, then I will.

I just needed to write this before the day ends. (Even though I’ve been awake since 5:30am)

Depression is hard.

Anxiety is hard.

 

-Mel.

Tomorrow.

There are times when stress and/or anxiety hits me at night before I get ready to calm my mind to sleep.

Overthinking happens. Then leads to more overthinking and worrying.

My heart starts beating fast..

Then all of a sudden it’s 1am, then 3am and 6am.

Sometimes you need to tell your mind to stop.

And you’ll do it tomorrow.

This started when I was in college.

When my mind jumbles words in papers and my mind overthinks about studying for tests.

That’s when I decide to stop and finish it in the morning.

I don’t know why things happen at 10pm when I’m winding down to go to sleep.

But they do.

I try my best to ignore the problem and save it for the next day.

I’m writing this post as a way to distract my mind and not think about it.

See you tomorrow.

-Mel

I Don’t Talk.

It’s funny how one small sentence someone says or one thought…

can lead to another thought and another…

and all of a sudden I am completely devastated about my life and myself.

Oh man.

When I thought that my life couldn’t get any more chaotic, this week happened.

I’m pretty sure I stated in my last post on all the things I needed to this month and next month. To summarize: Friend’s Wedding + Co-Worker’s Wedding (leaving for a week) + Portfolios + Graduation and life in between all of those.

Things happen and people need to leave work.

I understand the situation, I understand when they need days off to take care of things.

After my co-worker had an unexpected day off in the midst of all the work we have to do. She talks about how she wants to leave earlier the next day, when she already had planned to work a half-day.  And she is taking a week off (in 2 weeks).

History repeats itself…

I had flashbacks to last year when my former co-worker kept on taking days off around the same time of year. She was taking advantage of her sick time before she quit at the end of the school year. We were slammed and behind on everything. And without her there, I was left with all the work, everything. I was beyond stressed and beyond exhausted.

And for my current co-worker to complain, “They should just let me off earlier” lead to a thought.

I completely understand her situation and why she had to take that one day off.

But, she doesn’t understand what is going on in my life too.

I kept on thinking about this during work today.

Well she doesn’t know what’s going on in my life because I don’t really share what’s going on in my life.

I don’t tell her that I have anxiety and major depressive disorder. I don’t tell her that I get panic attacks or anxiety attacks. And I don’t tell her that if I have a really bad panic attack, I am drained the next day. I don’t tell her that I wanted to end my life before I was 18. I don’t tell her I have suicidal thoughts once in awhile. I don’t tell her I promised myself not to follow through with those suicidal thoughts. I don’t tell her that I worry all the time and I need reassurance so I can feel better.

I don’t tell her any of this.

With everything that’s going on with weddings, work, etc. + the status of my mental health. Her one statement of “They should let me off earlier” made me want to cry.

I can’t take a day off for my mental health. I can’t take a day off if I’m feeling anxious or when I had a panic attack.

And it led to another thought of why I don’t tell anyone about my mental health as much anymore.

And I complain and talk about this a lot.

Is because most of the time, they don’t talk to you anymore after you reveal your mental health. 

I can’t count the amount of times that people have said “if you need someone to talk to, text me”. But when I am at the lowest point in my life and need someone to talk to, I get advice that isn’t helpful or they put the blame on me. Or I get the “I see”. Or worst of all, they don’t talk to you…for months.

I recently got a text from a relative that I used to be really close with. But now we drifted apart and I barely talk to her. When I first started posting about mental health on social media. She was “concerned” and said what everyone says “if you need someone to talk to, let me know”. Lies.  Anyways, I’ve been posting about mental health for awareness since it’s Mental Health Awareness Month. She texted again and said she saw my posts and she was “concerned” about me.

The last time she texted me was January, it’s fucking May!

Where were you that one time I had a panic attack or when I was having a bad day and wanted to lay on the couch all day. So all of a sudden, you’re going to reach out to me. The last couple of times I saw her at family events, she barely talked to me as if we were strangers.

Just because I post about mental health doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m having a hard time at that moment. When I don’t post about anything, is the time that she should be concerned. Because I don’t talk about my current problems to anyone. I don’t really share that I have a panic attack and how minutes later I have to wipe away my tears, so no one knows that I experienced a panic attack.

I don’t talk.

It’s hard for anyone that doesn’t have to struggle with their mental health to understand how we feel. But if they can have an open mind without their own opinions and no stigma. Then more people can feel better knowing that someone is there to help them. They will be able to communicate more and not hide how they feel and who they are.

Be careful what you say.

Be mindful of another’s situation.

You might not hear what is going on in someone’s life, you might not know that someone is struggling and fighting a battle in their minds. Just be kind, always.

-Mel

Mental Health Awareness Month.

hi.

It’s May.

It is Mental Health Awareness Month.
I’m trying to think of ways to spread the awareness of Mental Health for this month.

But for now, I’m just going to write my own experiences and spread the awareness on social media.

Not only it is mental health awareness month.

It’s a very anxiety-filled month. That will most likely lead to moments of depression and panic attacks.

A wedding. Another wedding (co-worker) that I’m not going to but when she’s gone, I have way too much work to do. Plus all the other million things I need to do in the next two months. It’s almost summer and it’s almost my birthday.  Oh and it’s almost the anniversary of when I first started feeling symptoms of depression. 

So 14/15 years?

I am not mentally prepared for what this month will bring.

I have said in my last post that on my birthday…next month. I am going to delete all my personal social media. So that means any and everyone I know personally, I am not going to be connected to them on social media. Any type of social media I have will only be used for things connected to getting ideas for work, mental health awareness and following my favorite artists and youtube creators.

When it gets closer to my birthday, I’m pretty sure you’ll hear about this more.

I don’t know what to say…

I should probably sleep.

Talk to you soon.

-Mel