My feelings written into words.

I could feel it today.

Depression was creeping up into my life.

Instead of fighting it, I embraced it.

Because I knew that something was wrong and I just shrugged it off.

I needed depression to come as weird as it sounds.

Because I needed to come into terms with how I truly feel.

Whenever I have nights like this, when I need to cry.

I listen to music that captures how I feel.

My favorite band ever since I was 15 is Paramore. 

& I don’t think it’s too common to grow up with your favorite band. Somehow they write songs that feels like they reached into my heart and turned my feelings into words. 

14 years of songs that explains how I feel.

I had many nights like this where I just lay in bed, have a song or two that explains my feelings on repeat and just cry….

Because sometimes that’s what you need… is to cry.

On a side note:

I was supposed to go to a Paramore concert 4 days after graduating college. I was the happiest I have ever been that day.  The day after graduation I was at my lowest point. Depression hit me so hard that day and the days, weeks, months, years following graduation. I couldn’t go to my favorite band’s concert because my depression hit me so hard. & I feel like the reason why I couldn’t go is because the venue was at my college..

Years later, I’m going back to see my favorite band (in a month, uhh in a couple of weeks). I already know I’m going to cry.

I’m so thankful for music.

For being able to create something that fully encompasses my feelings and puts it into music and lyrics.

-Mel

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I fooled myself.

For a moment sometime in the past 2 weeks, I made myself believe that I was okay.

I make everyone believe that I’m okay but I’m just fooling them.

I fooled myself.

I made myself believe that I was okay.

But deep deep down in myself, there was my depression and anxiety just telling me that I’m okay.

I kept on overthinking about something that was at all related to my current life. And then started overthinking about something else.

Then seeing one thing leads to one thought, then I just start crying for 10 minutes and touching my heart because I feel like I can’t breathe.

And the depression hits and I start hating myself. I hate that I’m 29 and not married or engaged. I hate that I still can’t afford my own place. I hate that I’m not happy with my life.

It goes darker and then I’m in the fetal position crying and screaming into my comforter.

Then I put Paramore’s “Last Hope” to make me “feel” my emotions even more.

More thoughts drive into my brain.

How come no one helps?

I still get those false statements about listening to me and helping me.

But they don’t.

I still don’t get it.

They’re lies.

I hate doing this on my own.

I hate these feelings.

-Mel

Bye Year 28.

 

Another tough year in the books.

I didn’t go to Disneyland like I usually do.

I wanted to relax on the days leading up to my birthday.

I had so much anxiety/anxiety attacks/panic attacks/teeth clenching within the past 6 months that all I wanted for my birthday was not to feel anxious anymore. 

I didn’t want my body to feel tense, I didn’t want my jaw and teeth to be in pain from all the anxiety and stress that I’ve been experiencing.

I got a massage on Saturday which relaxed my body. I spent yesterday eating at my favorite breakfast place and getting Sprinkles cupcakes and watching Harry Potter.

Today I didn’t let work get to me. I didn’t let the little things get to me. I didn’t let what happened on Friday affect me.

I’m spending the hours left of being 28 looking at baby photos of myself, listening to my favorite band since I was 15…Paramore and NOT letting the “what ifs”/overthinking affect me.

For my birthday, I don’t want depression and anxiety to take over. 

Whatever happened in the past on my birthdays…lets leave it there for now.

Weeks leading up to my birthday makes me upset and anxious. And I think it’s because of the plan that I made when I was a teenager.

By my 18th birthday, I wanted to end my life. 

I made it past 18 and I’m turning 29 in a couple of hours. 

Life can be unfair, life can be stressful and life can make you upset, life can feel like shit.

But I’m here now and I’m still living.

Happy Birthday.

Here’s to Year 29. 

-Mel

 

 

The place where I can breathe.

Whenever I just need a place to breathe and reflect I go to the little park down the street from my old house.

In a huge community, this little park is so serene and so quiet.

It’s my birthday in 2 days and before I overthink everything. Before I get upset about how I spent my birthday and how people forgot about my birthday. Before all the stress from the events that occurred last months start playing in my head over and over again.

I’m going to live in the moment, sit here and breathe.

-Mel

Why? Why is it bad that I’m an introvert?

I hear so many times that I’m SHY, QUIET, DON’T TALK MUCH, KEEP TO MYSELF…

in such a negative way. 

 

I had someone say at work that I was an introvert and thinks that’s the way I run my classroom. I don’t want to go into full detail because it just breaks me apart thinking about it.

It’s horrible to have someone say that from the one minute they are in my classroom that I’m an introvert that can’t be comfortable talking with. And to make all these assumptions about me from the one minute that they are in my classroom daily.

All these assumptions that are far from who I am and how I teach.

I love my students. I love my class.

Being an “introvert” doesn’t make me a inadequate teacher.

What that person said about me kills me.

She doesn’t know who I am. She doesn’t know that I try my best to spend quality time with each of my students. She doesn’t know that I know when something is wrong with them because I spend time getting to know them and can feel when they are upset or hurt.

I communicate with them all the time and so… that’s me being an “introvert” .

There are times when I’m quiet, don’t talk much or “SHY”.

Why? Why do people talk about how I’m quiet in such a negative way? Why?

Just because I don’t talk about everything in my life to others doesn’t make me a bad person. Just because I don’t talk every single minute doesn’t make me a bad person. Just because I’m not loud and talkative doesn’t make me a bad person.

But it does make me FEEL like a bad person. Especially after all the comments said about me.

Happy Birthday week to me. 

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. 

-Mel

 

I didn’t plan anything.

I didn’t plan anything for my birthday.

And that says so much about my current mental state.

I didn’t plan anything.

I always go to Disneyland on or around my birthday.

And it didn’t happen/ it’s not going to happen.

I don’t have many people in my life to go with. And things happened. So I knew that Disneyland wasn’t going to happen.

I’m getting anxious about my birthday.

Every year I always hint about my birthday, because I’m afraid if I don’t remind people about my birthday, no one will remember.

That’s happened before.

Does this happen to anyone else? Does your birthday affect your depression or anxiety?

-Mel