I fooled myself.

For a moment sometime in the past 2 weeks, I made myself believe that I was okay.

I make everyone believe that I’m okay but I’m just fooling them.

I fooled myself.

I made myself believe that I was okay.

But deep deep down in myself, there was my depression and anxiety just telling me that I’m okay.

I kept on overthinking about something that was at all related to my current life. And then started overthinking about something else.

Then seeing one thing leads to one thought, then I just start crying for 10 minutes and touching my heart because I feel like I can’t breathe.

And the depression hits and I start hating myself. I hate that I’m 29 and not married or engaged. I hate that I still can’t afford my own place. I hate that I’m not happy with my life.

It goes darker and then I’m in the fetal position crying and screaming into my comforter.

Then I put Paramore’s “Last Hope” to make me “feel” my emotions even more.

More thoughts drive into my brain.

How come no one helps?

I still get those false statements about listening to me and helping me.

But they don’t.

I still don’t get it.

They’re lies.

I hate doing this on my own.

I hate these feelings.

-Mel

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