I let depression take over.

I didn’t want to fight it tonight.

I was tired of fighting it.

If I kept on fighting it in this weak state, I’m in…it will get worse.

I didn’t want to think about anything else except my feelings and focusing on what’s going on in :my mind, my heart and my body. Letting myself fully absorb my feelings because ignoring it made me feel like shit all day.

Nothing else mattered at the moment.

I needed it to take over in order to cry. As weird as it sounds.

I’ve said this before but crying is a sense of relief because it lets go of all the emotions I’ve been keeping inside of me.

I let myself cry and get angry with myself. And cry and cry.

It took over 3 hours but I was finally able to calm my mind and my body.

I’m not sleepy yet but I’m not going to force it.

In my letter to myself, I told…myself that I want to wake up one day and just be satisfied with my life. Not be happy but satisfied. And just be in a perspective where you get it, you get why you went through all that shit in your life… because of this.

Happiness used to be the end goal. I wanted to fight depression and win happiness.

But as I have noticed, happiness (pure happiness) comes in rare moments.

We can’t be happy everyday. If you are happy everyday, good for you.

I want to be satisfied with my life and who I am. And if I have those rare moments of pure happiness comes along with it, then all the shit I’ve gone through will be worth it.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Will depression creep up again? Will my anxiety increase?

I don’t know.

I guess we have to sleep now and wake up tomorrow to find out.

-Mel

dear me, love mel.

I don’t know what to feel today.

Depression and anxiety are beating the crap out of me.

I just needed to write a letter to myself.

Apologizing to myself for letter depression and anxiety win.

But we will continue to fight.

Good night.

-Mel

(RE)focus.

At some point within the last couple of days, I just felt like I was going to explode with the amount of thoughts circling around my head.

I’m pretty sure that’s what my last post was all about.

I wanted to spend this weekend (re)focusing.

I watched the movie To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (3 times because it’s amazing)

& got inspired to write letters.

Letters to No One. 

Basically it’s letters to certain people stating things I’ve wanted to tell them but can’t.

It’s in a notebook, it begins with “dear you”. It’s not something that I’m going to share.

But it includes the thoughts that just need to come out of my head and put down into words.

In a way it’ll give me some closure with my feelings by writing it down as if I’m talking to that specific person.

_________________

I spent this morning (trying) to re(focus).

I was planning to spend the morning at starbucks to work on work/resume/cover letter, etc. But the internet didn’t want to connect to my computer.

Instead I focused on (re)focusing my life.

I basically wrote down the categories that I started but never finished because of the overwhelming amount of anxiety I’m experiencing lately.

  1. Organization: I started organizing and decluttering my room at the beginning of the summer. In the midst of all the chaos, I stopped. I wrote down the rest of the areas I need to focus on. And I’m proud of myself that I finished one area last night pretty quickly.
  2. New Job. This is an ongoing category that scares me sometimes. I finished my resume but I still need my cover letter and actually apply to jobs.
  3. Mental Health: I started the process of finding therapists, I just need to go on the next step of making appointments and such. And making my mental health my first priority.
  4. The last one are just small things I need to within the next couple of weeks.

I felt like that helped stopped the overwhelming amount of thoughts swirling around my head. Putting everything in categories helped me focus on what I need to do.

 

Going to write more letters.

& (re)focus.

Have a good week!

-Mel

OVER being OVERwhelmed.

Why?

When I feel like life starts to calm down and I can focus.

Things happen, then thoughts appear, then it turns to one worry to many worries and then it leads to being OVERWHELMED. Then I can’t focus anymore.

Why??

I can’t even count how many times I’ve been overwhelmed in the past 5-6 months.

Events +unexpected occurrences+ stress just like to appear in clusters. 

It can’t just happen one at a time…oh no. It needs be the entire package. 

I feel like the past few days, I’ve tried my best to distract myself and give myself mental breaks. I can just feel the anxiety in the center of my body and I feel like if something sets it off that it’ll just explode.

Oh and then that one random thought that you don’t need to worry about until like late next week just casually appears in your head at 10:30 at night.

Oh and then that other random thought that you don’t need to worry about at this current time, not until this weekend, appears after that.

That’s just cruel.

Why??

And of course it appears at a time, when I should be sleeping.

My body is so exhausted, but my mind feels like it could run a mile. 

My mind is battling my body every night. 

My body wants to sleep….

but my mind wants to think about every possible worst scenario about my entire life and stay awake.

I hope that my body will win.

I’m exhausted.

Good night.

-Mel

 

The UnKnown.

I can’t sleep.

At some point in my 14/15 years of depression/anxiety/panic attacks/insomnia…I just learned to fall asleep whenever my body and mind decides to fall asleep.

I keep thinking to where I was a week ago.

In the same place. Same problem. But in a much bigger scale.

I had jury duty last week.

It was my first one to actually go and stay.

My first actual time I had an excuse, this time I didn’t.

It was a very anxiety-filled day on Day 1 (yes day 1).

Sure it was a lot of waiting. But it was the idea of not knowing if you’re name would be called on those speakers made me feel so uneasy.

Every time my name didn’t come up, I had a small sense of relief but at the same time. The UNKNOWN occurred. 

Waiting there and not knowing what was going to happen caused so much anxiety.

At 3pm. I thought I was in the clear.

But then I heard it. Second name was called and it was mine. (Keep in mind, they only called two other sets of jurors at 9am and 10am. And they called ours at 3pm).

I didn’t know what to expect. It was all so new and unfamiliar to me that I couldn’t help but be so anxious. I had no control of the situation, I had to go and that was terrifying.

Since it was so late, they didn’t finish. And hearing the words “9am, tomorrow” just blew my anxiety off the charts.

More unknown. More unfamiliarity.

My heart was beating so fast and my mind and body couldn’t stay still.

There were other variables that added to this anxiety at that time. Additionally, in my mind, I had the next day planned in my head on what things I needed to do. And I couldn’t go to work.

That night. A week ago. Obviously I couldn’t sleep. I slept probably for less than 2 hours. I was experiencing something that I had not experienced before. My heart was rapidly, I mean rapidly beating. To the point when I couldn’t decipher if it was anxiety or something serious going on with my heart. I woke up at 2am with so much anxiety. I knew that I wouldn’t survive the day without sleeping at least a couple more hours. The more I forced myself to go to sleep, the less sleep I had. I tried everything. But my heart kept beating fast and I was wide awake.

I was more anxious knowing that I woke up early on day 1. And for Day 2, I had to wake up at the same time. Leave early to get breakfast and coffee, get cash, drive to Downtown (which I don’t like), find parking and go to jury duty.

I was early, super early for Day 2. I didn’t know if it helped or made me more anxious waiting. I could barely eat that day and it was very apparent due to the fact that my stomach growled a couple of times in the courtroom. I forced myself to eat lunch. I was too anxious to eat but I knew with the lack of sleep I had to eat something.

Every time I had to go in that courtroom (due to the multiple breaks we had), I had no idea what was going to happen. I didn’t know if my name would be called OR if I had to talk in front of 50 people about my life.

Then people would be excused and the empty chairs kept appearing. Then more names called and more unknown about what was going to happen.

Then it happened again “9am tomorrow”.

I was done.

I felt like after that, I was just going to push through in Day 3. I bought food to bring for the next day. I decided to bring my laptop to do work. I made sure I slept the entire night.

I don’t know what happened on Day 3. But I probably was just over it that I just pushed through it. I was still nervous knowing that more people were gone and there weren’t that many people left. There was no question that I was going to be called.

I didn’t know was going to happen, but I just accepted that I couldn’t control the situation and just dealt with it. 

(To be honest, the only reason I was able to get through it was the very handsome guy that I got to sit next to a couple of times)

And then it happened, 3 empty chairs. 3 people left (including myself and the handsome guy).

And we were excused. I was so happy.

I texted my co-teacher and told her that I have never been so happy to come back to work.

That huge sense of relief (plus the handsome guy) was worth it.

The 3 days of the unknown, uncertainty, unfamiliarity, anxiety and heart beating.

It was an experience for sure.

One that just tested my anxiety and…. anxiety won. Going to jury duty is definitely an anxiety trigger I didn’t know about. But I got through it.

Now. I’ve really decided that I need to try therapy again.

I hope this helps someone.

I hope I can sleep now.

Good night.

 

-Mel

The TWO things that make me happy.

The TWO things that make me happy.

Disney & Paramore. 

Happiness is something so rare and so precious to me.

It’s not just being happy.

It’s pure and absolute joy.

It’s the ability to focus on what’s going on NOW, not thinking about the past or future.

It’s not having all these worried thoughts bouncing around my head.

It’s about crying, not for feeling sad, but for feeling happy.

It’s about feeling like myself.

There are two times this year where I have felt unbelievably happy.

And it’s been years since I’ve been this happy.

________________

First.

April. Disneyland.

I used to be an annual pass holder and going to Disneyland was something so special to me and my best friend. I am not a pass holder anymore and I miss those times.

Naturally, my best friend had her bachelorette party there.

It was one of my dream Disney weekend with the most incredible, generous and caring individuals that I’ve ever met.

Every moment was incredible.

There was this one particular moment where I just cried from smiling so much.

That weekend was the first time I rode the Guardians of the Galaxy ride. I admit I wasn’t really into it because it replaced my favorite ride.

But I still wanted to ride it. I didn’t want any spoilers, I wanted to experience the ride without any background knowledge to be surprised.

From that first drop and the music came on…mann that was the greatest feeling. 

That pure and absolute JOY.

I was in shock, then so happy and then cried.

It was probably due to the fact that I haven’t been that happy in years.

I didn’t think about anything else. I was living in that moment.

___________________

Second. 

July (2 weeks ago). PARAMORE.

It had been long overdue for a Paramore concert.
I was supposed to go 4 days after graduation.

But depression hit me so hard that I couldn’t see them.

I needed that show.

Hayley said in the beginning of the show that all we need to worry about is” laughing, crying and dancing and overall having a good time”.

And that’s all I did for that night.

From their first song all the way to the last song.

Again, it was pure and absolute joy.

Again, I was living in the moment. I didn’t think about anything else.

All I did was sing along to my favorite songs, dance and enjoy the night with my best friend.

I have been a fan of Paramore since I was 15. I am 29 now.

It has been the greatest feeling growing up with them. Because they write songs that relate to what we are going through. Whether it’s about falling in love, breakups, friendships, depression, mental illness and growing up.

And hearing those songs live…

Wow. It means a lot to me.

Because there are certain songs that I listened to, during particular times in my life.

I listened to “Misguided Ghosts” a lot when I wanted to end my life. It wasn’t triggering anything. But those lyrics just knew exactly how I felt.

These past couple of months when depression hit me hard, I’ve been listening to “26” and letting myself cry. And that song allowed me to cry when I was holding it in. Because those lyrics felt like they were just taken out of my mind and my heart.

There are songs where I just danced, sang along and had the greatest time.

I needed that night. I needed that show. I needed those songs.

That show came during a time when I needed it.

_____________________

With those two events, I felt like I was able to breathe.

I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe these past months or this whole year.

I feel like I’ve been so stressed, overwhelmed and filled with depression and anxiety that I can’t breathe or relax.

I did not feel like have to hold my breath worrying about the past or future.

______________

I can’t go to Disneyland and a Paramore concert on a daily basis.

But I’m glad to know that for those few moments that I was happy.

 

-Mel