Write it down.

I started to panic this morning, more like an hour ago.

I was stressing out over getting paperwork and all the things I needed to get for my new job done.

Then as I was driving to get errands done, more worries began appearing in my head. Then I began second-guessing my decision about the job. Then chaos ensued in my mind.

Then I just yelled out loud in the car (to myself):

I need a break!

At the exit, instead of turning left I went straight back to the freeway.

And drove to a place, that I frequently drive to when I need to breathe.

Just driving with music and my thoughts.

Then I decided I needed to exit because I needed coffee.

I always keep a journal or two in my car because sometimes I just to write something down in my mind.

So with my coffee, I wrote down everything in my head. I wrote the pros and cons of the new job. The pros exceeded the cons, which in my head the cons far exceeded the pros.

I wrote my current worries and left space to write the solutions to my worries.

And after writing it, I was able to breathe a little and my mind wasn’t chaotic anymore.

To me, writing is very important to me whether it is in the form of handwriting or typing.

I am able to write out my true feelings more than verbally saying my feelings.

Whenever I verbally state my feelings, not everything comes out or I panic and say something else completely.

The muscle movement of writing and typing helps so much. I don’t know why but that’s how I was able to successfully study while in school. Writing my notes down instead of typing it helped me understand and learn things so much better.

(I bet there’s a study on it which I will check another time)

Whenever my mind is anxious about a thought at night, I feel like I am able to relieve that anxiety by writing out my worries. Then my body and mind will feel more at ease and sleep.

Maybe this is why I have like a hundred unfinished journals. Because I need to write whenever I need it.

Write it down.

-mel

Making the wrong decision?

Many people ask if they are making the right decision.

I ask, AM I MAKING THE WRONG DECISION?

So do you follow what your logical brain is telling you

or do you follow your instincts ?

 

With following what my last post said.

I don’t know what to do with this job offer.

 

And it’s due to the fact that I’m afraid of making the wrong decision. 

 

My mind and my instincts are pulling me in two different directions.

My mind is saying that the job offer is only paying a couple of dollars more than my current job, but I work hard and deserve a pay rate that is more.

My instincts keep pulling me back to the job and wanting to know more and more about it. It tells me that it is a school that brings me back to what my education and degree taught me. It’s a school where I can provide my own ideas for the classroom, which is completely new.

So which way do I go?

I don’t know what the future holds for me.

& with having anxiety and depression, the future f*cking scares me.

It doesn’t help when others try to give me advice. Like telling me that working at a place 40 mins away that pays $7 more will be worth it. Or texting me links to job opportunities.

They just f*ck with my mind more. 

So my mind in the past week has been back and forth between what my brain is telling me and what my instincts are telling me.

And other external opinions affecting me.

Basically, it’s just been sh*tty.

But then as I was typing this blog post and being pulled in different directions at the same time,

this saying popped into my head

“everything happens for a reason” 

& then my mind stopped itself  from chaos and it  just felt like time froze around me.

I used to say that quote all the time. Whenever I was in the phase of deep depression, I would say this to myself to reassure myself that everything will be okay.

& when it popped back into my head, it was like being reunited with an old best friend.

Haven’t seen each other for years, but it still feels like the good old times.

And I feel like this quote came into my mind at the right time.

No matter what happens, “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON”.

Even though this current job has increased my anxiety, I worked here because it gave me the opportunity of working with my amazing co-teacher. We worked together for a year and one month and the way we work together feels like we worked together for 10 years.

Whatever decision I make will happen for a reason.

Just go with your instincts.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

 

-Mel

I don’t fight for myself.

I know that I deserve better than whatever my life gives me, but I don’t fight for it.

I settle.

I don’t bicker, complain, whine, get furious or fight with my words…out loud.

It’s all in my head or in this blog. 

I am terrified of fighting for myself or defending myself. 

& my past experiences can confirm that.

Whenever I have a little ounce of courage and defend myself, people make me feel like sh*t all the time.

They know that I’m weak and use it to their advantage.

And I freeze. I don’t continue the fight, then I forfeit.

When someone blames me for something, when I know and they know that it wasn’t my fault. They somehow twist my words and facts to make it seem like it’s my fault (aka my past relationships). And my mind is f*cked up to the point where I think, it is my fault. 

So in situations, when I know that I’m not treated fairly, I don’t do anything or just leave.

I am currently working at a job, where my position got promoted. But my pay didn’t get promoted, furthermore, it is not equal to my co-worker.

I do half the work, but don’t get paid as much as her.

They treat her as if she is the lead teacher and give her credit for all the work, but we’re co-teachers.

It’s not fair. And I don’t do anything.

Because I’m terrified that they’ll twist some words and blame it on me.

From having depression & anxiety for almost half my life, I want you to understand (if you don’t have any mental health issues) that what you say or do to someone can just totally f*ck with their minds. 

I’m terrified to confront people due to what others have said and done to me. Because I don’t want that sh*tty feeling anymore.

And it’s probably easy to say that not everyone is the same and do those types of things. But I still have those words and actions from those past experiences replaying in my mind, when situations come up like this.

That’s why I’m afraid to be in a relationship, I am so scared that another boyfriend will start talking to another girl while we’re still together. Then break up with me saying that they want to be single, but instead they want to be with that other girl. Then they blame for the break up.

It’s messed up. What is even more f*cked up is that…it happened to me TWICE. 

Back-to-Back.

 

And why I’m opening up and talking about this right now…is because I’m trying to fight for myself.

I got offered a position at a job that I really like.

But when I got the offer, I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be.

Because I wasn’t satisfied with the pay they were offering. I think that from my experiences and my education, I should be paid at least a dollar more than they’re offering.

And I’m so scared to negotiate with them. But at the same time, I won’t be satisfied working there with what they are offering me.

So the WHAT IF’S begin. 

What if they don’t want to raise it up a dollar more and decide that they don’t want to offer me the job anymore?

What if I don’t say anything, I take the job with the unsatisfactory pay and it turns out that it wasn’t as great as I thought it would be?

Those two questions have been floating in my head all day.

I don’t know what will happen unless I do something. I need to do it because at this point in my life, I need something good.

That’s it. I just need something good in my life.

I don’t expect much. I just want to be satisfied with where I’m at and who I am.

I need to fight for who I am and what I deserve.

Wish me luck.

 

-Mel

 

 

Stay.

Hey.

I really wanted to write so many posts for Suicide Prevention Week.

But my week was full of stress and anxiety attacks, so it never happened.

It’s funny how it’s Suicide Prevention Week, but honestly I felt like getting away from here so badly this entire week.

This morning  I was helping my parents clean up the garage and I was going through all my storage containers that had a lot of things that I saved since I was younger.

And I found a small Hello Kitty journal.

I titled it, “My feelings journal”

and as I was reading it, I realized that it was around the time when I started to get depressed.

I wrote these entries at the end of eighth grade, I didn’t know it back then, but now I know that it was the time when my depression began.

And after reading it, I can understand why I started feeling depressed.

There are entries that say:

“Does everyone hate me? My friends are ignoring me.” (Keep in mind this was after my grandma passed away so I was already feeling really sad).

“I really need to get out of this town. Everyone is being so mean to me. I need to get out of here or else (u- know).”

And those thoughts: like everyone hates me and I need to get out of this town is still with me until this day.

Thinking about ending my life still crosses my mind every once in a while to be honest.

It happens when I feel like I hit rock bottom, like I’m stuck in this hole of my life and I can’t escape it.

It happens when I feel like my dreams of the future such as: getting married and having kids are just a dream and I don’t feel like it’s ever going to happen.

It happens when I take a step back and look at my life and I tell myself that I F*CKED it up. And that I have a pathetic life. And I feel like I can’t do anything about it.

It happens when you realize that no one is actually there for you.

It happens.

 

BUT I DON’T DO IT.

I STAY. 

As much as I hate how my life is going and that it would just be easier that I’m not here.   I stay.

I feel like I have mentioned my little “safety” word when I feel like my thoughts of ending my life start increasing.

 HAVEN. 

It’s my niece’s name. And the reason why it’s my safety word is because whenever I think of her name in the middle of my really bad thoughts, I start to cry.

I think about what would happen to her if I wasn’t here anymore.

I think about how my family would have to explain to her on why I’m not here anymore.

And all those really bad thoughts STOP. 

I love her so much.

And that’s one of the reasons that I stay.

Another reason is to spread awareness about mental health.

Another reason is my job of being a teacher.

As much as the thoughts of ending my life appear in my head, I have to remind myself that it really isn’t the answer to my problems.

 

If you are having a tough time.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I AM HERE FOR YOU.

We can get through this together.

 

Love,

Mel