Depression sucks.

I held it in all day.
The frustration, the anxiety, the moments of feeling depressed.

I had to. I was at work. As soon as I turned right on the main street after leaving work.

All the feelings that I held inside for 8 hours  just exploded.

I spent that 30ish min drive completely destroyed.

I was at a very low point. I pretty much hit rock bottom, a place that I never wanted to be ever again.

That drive included moments of:

  • uncontrollable crying
  • telling myself that I hated myself for getting to this point
  • telling myself  “please make it stop”
  • telling myself that the life and people around me just don’t need me anymore
  • asking myself  “WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH?”
  • not being able to breathe
  • because of lots of heavy breathing
  • telling myself that if it does get to that lowest point call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 

This is reality. This is depression.

This is part of the depression that I hate to experience because it takes such a huge toll on my mind and my body.

It’s 9pm…3 hours later and I am physically and mentally exhausted from that rock bottom explosion.

It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

 

-Mel

World Mental Health Day. Mental Health Awareness Day.

Hello.

My name is Mel and I wanted to share my story.

I am 29. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Depression.

& recently I have been experiencing lots of anxiety.

 

I didn’t know about Depression or Anxiety too much when I first started having symptoms when I was 14.

I started having depression after my grandma passed away.

During that time of grieving, life changed and continued to change in an instant. During that time, I was too sad from the passing of my grandma that I barely went to school. And during that time, my group of friends got closer and closer, leaving me out. I was in 8th grade during that time and went to high school months later.

I started to feel extremely lonely during high school. One of those friends in that group and I went to a high school different from everyone else. Once we got to high school, she immediately made new friends and I didn’t. So during lunch, I didn’t have anyone to sit with. So I sat in a part of school that no one went to and had lunch there. I was always afraid that someone would see my like my brother who was a senior while I was a Freshman during that time.

Like I said, I didn’t know what depression really was when I first started having it. So during high school, at times I felt really sad, irritable and just wanted to stay in my room all day crying. High School was a whirlwind.

During my senior year, I felt like life was going great. I had a job, I had a boyfriend, I had a close friend that I spent a lot of time with and new friends from that job.

Then again, I went to a college nearby months later.

Then things changed again. I went to the same college with that ONE friend again (the one who made new friends quickly in high school). I instantly became overwhelmed and anxious just from orientation and I felt like I failed already.

Then months later, that boyfriend “broke up” with me also known as left me for another girl. And that period of depression was the first time that I felt like I was at rock bottom.

During that time, we sold my favorite family home and had to move. I felt behind in classes and had trouble with financial aid, so it was hard for me to pay for a semester.

That summer, I knew that something was different. Because I was really depressed to the point where I would just lay on my bathroom floor crying for hours many, many times. It became apparent that my mental health and emotions affected other parts of my body. Because I lost an extreme amount of weight. I am naturally a petite girl, where I average 100-102 pounds but it’s normal for me. During that time, I was 85 pounds. And during that time, I started to have really bad episodes of insomnia where I couldn’t sleep until 4 or 5am.

My family including relatives just kept on telling me to stop being sad about my breakup with my boyfriend. But I knew that it was something much more than that breakup.

I actually don’t know when all the symptoms of: sadness, insomnia, weight loss and loss of appetite popped up as depression in my mind. During that time thoughts of: I don’t want to be here anymore appeared.

Fast forward to years later after another “breakup” also known as leaving me for another girl PART 2.

And I started having moments of: losing weight, insomnia and crying on my bathroom floor again but 10x worse.

It got so bad that I told my mom that I needed help. Then she set up an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist as soon as possible.

That first appointment, I basically cried the entire time.

After going to more and more appointments, I was prescribed to Zoloft.

I went to therapy every two weeks. But, before going on vacation to the Philippines for a month, I felt like therapy wasn’t working for me and Zoloft did nothing but give me the side effects of the medication. Plus I was extremely broke and couldn’t afford it anymore. So I stopped going.

After that month off from reality, I went back home to find out that my ex had started becoming boyfriend/girlfriend with that girl.

And during that time, my best friend started her relationship with her now husband and didn’t really talk to me that much.

I felt so alone. And that’s when thoughts of ending my life appeared.

I got a minor concussion before my vacation and I was told to be cautious with my head. And one time I was just so depressed and done with my life that I sat in my car outside of my house just banging my head on the steering wheel and then going inside and banging my head on the walls in my room. Because I just wanted the thoughts of my ex or being alone or the voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough to STOP. 

Years later and I still had thoughts of suicide and had really bad episodes of depression.

Then out of nowhere, my second chance just appeared in the mailbox.

I went to a University after high school and lost my financial aid. Then I went to community college and failed my major. Then I changed my major and applied to my dream University.

And I was accepted. That was my second chance at life because, before that letter, I really just wanted to leave forever.

It was a different experience from that first university. I felt extremely grateful to be accepted to my dream school, so I worked hard and didn’t let depression affect me or make me lose my focus. My life for three years was working hard in school.

Then the best day of my life came when I graduated from college. 

And a day later, reality hit and depression came back and hit me harder. 

Literally the day after I graduated, I was really depressed. I reached my goal, now what?? Days later, I was supposed to go to a concert of my favorite band but I was so depressed that I couldn’t go.

A month later, I started having anxiety at Disney World because of my family. Months after that, I went to Europe and couldn’t go to this one city because my anxiety was really bad.

And during that time, I didn’t know it was anxiety.

Between that time and now, I had many moments of depression and anxiety. And it’s written on this blog.

About a year or two ago, I started to share information and posts about mental health on my Instagram.

From that, that’s when you know who is there for you and who isn’t. 

I don’t care anymore. I used to be so afraid of sharing my depression and anxiety.

Now I don’t care if anyone knows. It’s real and it’s part of my life.

From seeing more and more people sharing their stories of mental health and mental illness, I am more motivated to share my story.

I am still battling depression and anxiety.

But now I know that I’m not the only one.

You are not alone. 

 

Love, Mel.

 

When things are good…

I get scared. 

I will consistently say how horrible September was for me.

Things just kept getting worse and worse.

And when I had one ounce of positivity within me and around me, it was easily taken away by something stressful or frustrating.

Then my mind can’t really focus. I keep on second-guessing, worrying and just panicking about every little thing.

And last week in a moment of stress, things just started heading to a positive route.

I was skeptical.

I’m so used to things go from bad to stressful to frustrating to anxiety and panic attacks consistently.

But it’s rare when things go from less stressful to being able to breathe, not worrying and then end up being happy. Saturday was the happiest day.

I’m scared that it’ll go away.

I’m just at the edge of my seat just waiting for something bad to happen.

& that’s a horrible feeling.

The thought that something good and happy doesn’t last long is something that I am so familiar with. 

I am going to be cautious with everything. I kept on thinking this past week after something positive or good happened, that something bad is coming my way. Because there’s no way that all this good energy is coming my way all at once.

I don’t want to have this worry in the back of my mind every moment of every day.

But that’s how my life is.

Always anticipating the worst when the best happens. 

-Mel

Fighting the negative.

Last month was horrible.

So many unexpected events, so many disappointing moments, so many moments of stress and anxiety.

I was tired of it and I’m still tired of it.

It felt like the days were long and the weeks felt longer.

And I just felt trapped in this never-ending cycle of bad sh*t happening.

Today is the first of a new month.

I wanted to start off thinking positively.

I tried. I tried and then I just felt like I was faking being positive.

And it all happened at work and just reaffirmed my decision of accepting that other job.

I was at work for less than 20 mins.
and I already felt my positivity just fighting so hard.

I had experienced someone just spreading negativity through their tone just within those 20 minutes. I had my students just not listening and caring. I had an afternoon with an immense amount of students that beat the record of other afternoons, which was already ridiculous. Then getting confused with a new procedure that was never explained to us.

As I was walking out of work, I just thought, I AM SOO GLAD IM LEAVING SOON.

So yea, I was in a very massive stressful and anxiety-triggering work day.

And sh*t, I wanted to give up so quickly. 

I was fighting so hard, I didn’t want to let go of that positive thinking, even if it didn’t feel real.

I have so much to do and many errands to do by next Monday.

But I decided to give myself a break tonight. 

Because if the rest of the week is a repeat of today. I just need to breathe and rest or else I would feel like I did last month.

Fight the negative.

-MEL