When your mental health affects your physical health.

Maybe it’s the stress.

The stress that comes from daily life of dealing with work, financial stuff, relationships, etc.

But when you add that unexpected worry about the smallest thing or feeling really down and want to lay in bed all day OR the opposite when you  overthink everything about your life and can’t sleep …..to that stress. 

It can break you mentally and physically.  Mentally with the anxiety, overwhelming worries and feeling really upset about your life or wanting to end it. 

Physically with : 

Migraines. 

Tension Headaches. 

Pain in my jaw from clenching too much.

I have experienced these three many many times especially within the past year. 

and it just destroys you.

I had a pretty stress-free four day weekend after a stressful three days of work. And at the end of my four day weekend, I get a migraine…the ENTIRE day.   

Which made it’s way over to today. 

& I have so many things to do. But I’m trying my best just to relax and mentally rest myself that my physical health can improve. 

I’m not going to do my usual routine of making my lunch, doing all these things before bed. I’m just going to listen to relaxing music and let myself sleep when it wants to. 

So which one do you take care of first: 

Your mental health

or 

Your physical health?

-Mel 

My Current State of Depression.

I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like moving. I want to just lay on the couch or stay in my room all day. 

I didn’t really want to eat. 

I just feel like the world is moving around me and I’m just there…numb. 

I did cry. 

I don’t know. I feel stuck in a life that’s just always disappointing.

I don’t know. 

-Mel

I CAN’T FORGIVE THEM.

Last Christmas. 

I was in a different room away from my cousins and hundreds of other relatives on Christmas. 

I did try to be around my cousins. But as I stood near or next to them, the more I felt like I was unwanted. 

No one really talked to me or acknowledged that I was there. 

So I moved to a different room, but I really just wanted to go home. 

I had an anxiety attack without showing any emotion on my face and staying silent. When my mind was screaming and crying. 

I will never forget that Christmas and I’m already feeling anxious for this Christmas. 

It didn’t stop after that. There were more parties and dinners where I just immediately isolated myself because I knew it was going to happen already. 

Like relationships with friends, this was all due to posts about mental health. I opened up and spread awareness about mental health and the stigma around it. 

And instead of talking about it with me, the people in my life just isolate me, don’t talk to me and make me feel like I’m invisible. 

Between Summer and Fall , there wasn’t that many family get togethers. But there were so many cousin get togethers that I wasn’t aware of.

And one day, I just unfollowed/blocked them all from my instagram. 

I wrote a post about it. 

But the thing that upsets me is that my cousins just started talking to me. And just started to include me in group chats and inviting me to the movies. 

From June to October, I didn’t hear anything from them. 

But now. I don’t get it.

I’m not ready. I’m not ready to “hang out” with them. 

I’m not ready to start full conversations with them. 

I’m not ready.

All that time when they isolated me and didn’t talk to me. That horrible Christmas last year.

I am not ready to forgive them.

They have no idea how much they hurt me.

& I can’t pretend that I’m okay when they hurt me.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas with them.

-Mel

When anxiety adds words to your thoughts.

So many things going on.

I don’t know if I’m ready to share how I feel on the deepest feelings.

But I just wanted to share/let out the thoughts in my head which makes me hate anxiety.

 I locked the door. 

I put the key back. 

But my mind and anxiety are just adding words and question marks to those questions.

Did I lock the door

Did I put the key back?

The word “DID” and the question mark is just building up the anxiety in me.

I try my best to replay what happened in my mind.

But then my mind and anxiety just messes it up too.

I can remember the picture in my mind of putting the key back.

But my anxiety is editing that picture to not putting the key back and making me question every move I made.

It is also creating scenes of worst possible scenarios and playing it in my mind that could happen if I did not put that key back.

Now I can’t sleep.

I hate anxiety. I hate depression.

I hate that my mind does this to me.

 

-Mel