Running away.

Literally & Mentally.

Anxiety & Depression had made me freeze in certain situations and “run away” from my problems literally and mentally. 

There are many times at work when I get too overwhelmed and get anxious about a situation that I freeze and just move away to avoid it or try to block it from my mind. 

Or in situations like this, where years ago you buy something off a dumb website and then it became a subscription you didn’t know about. Then you try canceling it before, then it got complicated and you just “ran away” from it. And now it’s catching up to you and making you suffer. 

But depression makes you do this. 

You are already hating yourself and when you make a dumb mistake, then it goes overboard and the only way you can handle it is by avoiding it.

I feel so stupid for letting a mistake slip by for years. And I felt this way before and every time I think about it and cringe and block it from my mind again. 

It’s a cycle. 

I have to be honest and say that as much as I’m trying to be positive and try to be in the holiday spirit. I’m struggling. I feel so alone. And when things like this crawl up into your life and you realize your mistakes, it makes things even worse. 

I don’t even know how to feel anymore. 

-Mel

Symptoms Searching.

I hate this part of my anxiety. 

Where you accidentally do something or a random symptom appears and then all of a sudden, you research your symptoms and overthink.

And then sometimes you think you’re going to lose your vision, going to have some virus or think you’re going to die.

This just happened to me like 5 mins. ago. 

I was washing my face, putting some pore nose strip on and had that plastic part in my hand as I was putting the nose strip on. 

I noticed that I had the plastic part in my hand close to my eye.

But I don’t have no recollection if that plastic sheet hit my left eye or not. 

I feel like if it did hit my eye, I would have a reaction. But I have no clue. 

But now I am freaking out. 

I feel as if my left eye hurts a little….but it it really hurting or is it in my mind??

Then I notice a little spot there and of course, I overthink and think was that spot there before?? Because I don’t really take a look in my eyes.

Then I start googling it.  And think of every single worst possible outcome. 

This has happened before where I thought some liquid soap got into my eye  and I spent that whole night hoping that I didn’t wake up blind.

It’s so dumb. But it’s anxiety.

And the worst part is:   When you don’t know if something is actually hurting or your mind is so convincing that it feels like that area is hurting. 

That is my current situation. The fact that I NOTICED the plastic sheet near my eye but NOT ACTUALLY RECALLING if it touched or scratched my eye. And then you start to “feel” or feel something in that eye and the constant checking my eye and googling symptoms. Then OVERTHINKING EVERY LITTLE THING. 

And now I will think about it for the rest of the night. Thinking will it bleed, or will I need eye surgery. 

It is so dumb.

But this is the reality of ANXIETY. 

-Mel