The Beginning. Of the (almost)End.

January of the new year has literally been a roller coaster of emotions.

It’s almost the end of the month and I cannot even believe that all these crazy things happened in just a matter of weeks.

I have two more days of this month and I don’t even know.

This year, I wanted to start writing things down everyday on what happened. Just a small record of what happens everyday.

The beginning of the month and now the 29th, they are polar opposites.

I started the beginning of the month wanting to end my life. It was really rough. And something in me, somehow convinced me to create a plan.

Obviously I’m here and I really hate telling others that I didn’t want to live anymore. Because of the dumb stigma. But those first couple of days were horrible and it felt like it was the beginning of the end. It felt like nothing was going to get better.

I woke up on the 2nd of this month with a horrible nightmare, actually two. And one of those nightmares came true in my reality. It was the first day of work for the new year and it turned out to be the start of ONE of the worst work weeks of this year/month.

That day, my co-teacher was not talking to me at all. From the moment I walked in until the moment she walked out. Same with the next day and the next. She just had a negative vibe towards me.

Then the reality of the nightmare came true. I had a dream that I had parents of my students crying because they moved two new kids in my class and it was full. So they had to move my students to a new class. And that is what basically happened. A new-ish staff’s kids went to my (already-full) class and when we go over ratio, we have to move our student’s (WHO HAVE BEEN THERE SINCE JULY) to another class for the day. With my co-teacher already having a weird vibe. That threw both of us over the edge. That was Day 3.

Day 4. I started getting symptoms of a cold and continued to Day 5.

I’m pretty sure Day 5 was supposed to be my last day…ever.

I felt sick waking up and my parents didn’t believe me. I asked to stay home to rest, instead of going to my aunt’s house for dinner. I got yelled at, many times and my parents making me feel like shit. That was the trigger point. And that’s when my plan started. Those feelings I had…the worthlessness I felt and the thoughts of life not getting any better.  

Looking back on what happened and how I felt. I don’t know how I did it. How I’m still here. It was the worst.

The next couple of days were spent celebrating my mom’s birthday. to survive at work. Trying to “tidy up”. It wasn’t bad like the 4th day. Work was tiring. So tiring. Especially the week with four days of rain and a late work meeting.

Then I celebrated my friend’s birthday. And that day I started getting a sore throat. Then last week happened and it was the craziest week at work.

My co-teacher started feeling sick on Monday. I was starting to feel like my sore throat was something more than a sore throat. On Tuesday, I wasn’t feeling better. And my co-teacher was off because she was sick. And then I found out she was going to be gone for the rest of the week. Along with running the whole class, I had to get more than half of my class to finish art for the art show later that week. Then Wednesday was unexpected. I didn’t feel good at all. I came to work and immediately got to go home because I looked and felt horrible. I went to Urgent care and had back and forth thoughts on whether to go to work the next day. I had a doctors note, but with my co-teacher gone and lots of work to do, I didn’t know what to do. But I really thought about the what-ifs. I already had that Friday approved to be off at 1:30 and my anxiety had its thoughts. What if I had both Wednesday and Thursday off and they won’t let me off on Friday early. So I went to work Thursday and by 4:00 I felt miserable.

That Friday was the weirdest day. I went to work still not feeling great. I did all the things I had to work on and suddenly I was off. Then I quickly went home and left for Vegas with my family. That traffic and the long drive quickly reminded me why I haven’t been to Vegas in awhile. Then at 9:30pm, we were in Vegas. Had our traditional meal at 11pm and slept at 2am.

The next day, was worth it. The morning was rough. But then we watched Cirque du Soleil’s Beatles Love for the second time. The first time we watched it, was when it opened like 12 years ago. But this time, felt like it was our first time. Some parts were familiar, but it was so long that I didn’t remember and they revamped it a couple of years ago. So it felt new.

I was in awe the entire time. I couldn’t stop feeling amazed and happy. I didn’t think about the struggles and hard times that I had for the past couple of weeks.

It was an amazing feeling. Just to be happy. To be in awe and be in the moment.

I wanted to cry because of happiness and not sadness. That show was something that I desperately needed.

And my mood feels a little uplifted after that show.

The days followed until now are just okay. But I’m just in a weird mood because I don’t know what will happen. And I have this strange feeling that I’ve had before but I can’t figure it out. It’s a mixture of butterflies in your stomach, anticipation, nervousness and anxiety.

This year. This month. Mann.

-Mel

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In that moment, I was just going to completely give up on everything.

Day 2 of the New Year and I am already convinced that this year will not be better than last year.

It all started before 1:30am when I woke myself up from a nightmare. I had a nightmare that I was trapped in an escape house. Not an escape room but a house. And it was filled with scary little children and stuff from scary movies that I haven’t watched nor will watch ever.

Then of course, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I didn’t force myself to sleep. So I watched Youtube vlogs, played games on my phone, ate some snacks. And finally fell asleep again around 4:30am.

Then I had another dream. I dreamt that I came back to work and back to my classroom. And parents were crying because the office had moved their kids to a different classroom without their consent. This was due to moving more new kids to my already full classroom. Even in my dream, I was saying “this doesn’t even make sense”.

Then my alarm went off at 6:05am, then 6:08, then 6:12 and so on until I finally woke up and got up minutes before 7.

So I’m pretty sure I had 4-5 hours of sleep. Maybe less because of those dreams.

So already a bad start to a bad day.

I went to work half asleep not looking forward to the day. (Short story: I left work the Friday before the holidays crying and having a panic attack.) So I was already, not ready to go back to work.

I walked into my classroom and could sense a weird vibe coming from my co-teacher. She was talking to one of our parents, so I didn’t say hi right away. As I was clocking in, she told the sub “Oh you can go, I think she’s clocked in”. Then when it just became really weird and uncomfortable. She didn’t utter a word to me. She didn’t acknowledge that I was there. She was trying to be in areas away from me. And already feeling shitty about myself, this made it worse.

It’s probably due to the fact that I couldn’t answer her as I was leaving on Friday crying with a panic attack. I couldn’t talk because I would just sit there trying to relieve myself from the panic attack. And it took me hours to calm myself down. And it might have seemed rude that I just left and didn’t tell her that I wasn’t okay.

But I was expressing my raw and true emotions. And I rarely do that. And her ignoring me the entire day just because I expressed my emotions makes me feel more worthless.

It’s been so hard these past couple of weeks. And I just didn’t need this.

So after a hard day of work. (Oh and I have barely eaten these past couple of days). I tried talking to my friend because I just needed to let it out and not keep it in. I texted Crisis Text Line during my lunch. But I felt worse after work.

So I tried to talk to my friend. It’s a long story with her that I’ve probably mentioned many posts ago. But when her response is “Oh Sure” and “What’s up?”. To me, that just is a statement that shows that you don’t really care.  So that made me feel even worse and worthless.

Then my mind goes crazy. “I don’t want to be here” “I can’t do this anymore” and other really dark thoughts appear in my head. Plus the physical symptoms that I have felt all day. My heart is beating so fast and at times, irregularly. My throat hurts and my head hurts as well. And I feel as if I can’t breathe.

Oh it doesn’t stop there. I try helping my parents with my dad’s new phone. And my dad is pissed at my mom and starts slamming drawers and cabinet doors and basically throwing the clean dishes back into the cabinets. To a point, where it felt very dangerous. He hasn’t physically hurt any of us, but the way he expresses it, is very scary.

Then that was it. That was the last trigger.

And I wanted to be weak for once and just completely end things. But I didn’t and I never do.

Why? What did I do in my life to feel like this and have people treat me like this? Can’t I just move to the other side of the country and forget about every shitty thing in my life over here? Can I start over again without paying for it? Because I have no fucking money to move to a different state.

Just when I thought my depression has hit the rock bottom, the worst that its ever been…life proves that there is something deeper and we can never go up.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

-Mel

The End & The Beginning.

In the past couple of weeks, I have: started a blog post, stare at it, and exit out of it without finishing it or publishing it.

It’s been rough, real rough. And I didn’t feel like expressing how I felt into words and just soaked in every raw emotion that I felt.

It’s New Years Eve. And I just want this year to end already. A couple of days ago, my mind kept on saying “I work hard and I’m a nice person” along with thoughts of how worthless I am.

I’ve been waiting for this new year to start.

But I do want to share some ways I recorded the moments of the year.

1. I bought a calendar and every day I wrote down one thank that I am grateful. Even if it was the smallest thing like “going home from work” or food.
2. I downloaded the 1SE (1 second everyday app) and everyday I recorded a second of my day.
3. I started and kept up (kinda) with my bullet journal including keeping track of mental health. There were a couple of months where I rushed it.
4. I started a journal of “Dear You” letters. Which are basically letters with things that I want to say to people but can’t or won’t tell them.

I’m going to continue with these into the new year.

I don’t know what to say about the new year. It’s almost over & it’s time for a new one.

Happy New Year. Happy New Start.

-Mel