I felt like I was going to die.

I had a panic attack 2 days ago.

The WORST PANIC ATTACK I’ve ever experienced.

It all started with the “what if’s?” after work.

It was a rough day at work that day.

So my anxiety-filled mind went to “what if tomorrow is like today but worse?”. Then what if this happened to this kid and so on…

Then I started thinking deep into things…then I had an immediate flashback of a memory over a year ago where there was an immense misunderstanding and I could of gotten fired over it. It’s weird because I haven’t thought of that event in over a year. I completely put that moment in the deepest part of my mind and in a instant, it came back.

That was the trigger.

With the exhaustion and feeling like I failed from work that day and all the overthinking….That old memory destroyed me and led me to one of the worst panic attacks I have ever experienced.

It started with crying.

Then heavy heavy breathing, where I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I was holding my head and kept on repeating “Please make it stop” many many times.

At some point the breathing was heavy and very very rapid. Then I started breathing in more than breathing out. And my nose started plugging up and I really couldn’t breathe.

& My heart was beating at a really fast pace. To the point where it didn’t feel like it was normal.

It lasted for about 10 minutes.

And after it stopped, I just laid there and felt like I couldn’t move. When I could finally get up, I lost my balance and felt very weak.

I felt like I was dying.

It felt like I couldn’t breathe at all and that my lungs and my heart were giving up.

I had many panic attacks before, but not like this.

It didn’t feel right. Everything about it was unusual and very scary.

I thought I was going to go to sleep and not wake up.

I was absolutely terrified.

When I was finally able to catch my breath and be at ease, I went to sleep.

I woke up and I felt like I just ran a marathon.

Every part of my body was aching.

So why did this happen? How did this panic attack become so extreme?

I thought about it the day after. And I think these past 3-4 weeks have been too overwhelming and too much for me to handle.

The week before I got the email informing me of my start date, I got an email saying that enrollment was slowly growing and I thought it would be months before I started. Then the week later, I got my start date.

The next two weeks was surreal from giving my two weeks to working on my last day.

Then with only a ONE day break in between, I started my new job last week. Training. Getting to know the staff and children. Understanding the policies and the routines of the classroom.

Then I started officially working in my classroom this week and it hasn’t been the best first week in my class.

It was all too much for me. So many things happened one after another immediately without giving me a chance to breathe and comprehend what is happening.

So once a bad day at work happened, everything just got worse and led to that panic attack.

I don’t know.

Panic attacks the worst.

-Mel

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My mind can be a bully.

So I did it. Ended my first week at my new job.

From the very beginning of this week, I was so positive.

& then my mind got to me and basically made me feel worthless.

Starting a new job is hard. You have to learn so many things from new policies and procedures and you have to try and get to know your new co-workers.

Starting a new job when you are a teacher is hard. Going to a new school, you have to learn everything. Especially their curriculum, routines, students, teachers and parents.

Starting a new job when you are a teacher in the middle of the year is even harder. The school has been open for a little over half a year, so it’s established its policies and they have their own procedures. The students are already used to the teachers and if you add a new teacher then it throws them off. And starting a new job when you’re one of the last teachers to start is hard. Especially when those other teachers have known each other for months now.

While I like my new job and the environment, I’ve been struggling these past 2 days and it’s all because of my mind.

In my previous job, I had a difficult time adjusting during my first week. It was my first job as a teacher and working full time and I was too overwhelmed. I would text my old co-workers and told them that I couldn’t do it. And they assured and reassured me that I was fine. Because I just started and I wouldn’t know how to do everything right away.

I didn’t want to feel that way with this job. I wanted to be confident.

And I thought I was in the beginning.

Then my mind started to steer my positive mindset into a very dark and negative place. It was kicking me and telling me that I wasn’t good enough.

I was training alongside another new teacher. And I thought it was great to not be the only new teacher.

Then my mind went to a dark place. And immediately, the thoughts of “I’m not as good as she is”. “She is succeeding in the classroom with certain students and I’m failing because certain students are not listening to me”.

Today we had a staff meeting in the morning and my mind decided to taunt me after that.

Saying, “You don’t fit it”. “You’re such a loser. These people have lives and you don’t”. “You’re the only shy one here”. “They probably don’t like you”.

And that messed me up for the entire day. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I know that it’ll take time for me to learn and grow in my new job.

But my mind already has told me that I failed.

My mind is a bully.

-Mel

New Changes & New Chances.

Oh hi.

It’s the start of a new chapter tomorrow.

I feel…I don’t know.

Everything just feels surreal. From the moment I got my start date, to working my last two weeks and working my last day at my other job. Quitting that job was something I wanted & needed in this past year, especially in the past 6 months. And now that it’s (finally) happened, I don’t know how to feel.

I am a tad bit nervous & anxious. I might start feeling anxious tomorrow morning. (I’m trying to not let it affect me right now, so I can sleep tonight). But feeling nervous for a new job is normal.

There are those few chances of a new start. Going to a new school. Moving to a new place. Moving to a new town. & Starting a new job.

Tomorrow is a new start, a blank slate.

I started my (now) previous job as a complete wreck. I was extremely nervous from the moment I walked in my first day and it showed tremendously. I was so nervous that I couldn’t talk & just stood there.

And then I was known as being “shy”, “introvert” and worst of all “quiet”. I became that girl. Well 3 years and 3 months later…I left not being shy or an introvert.

My previous job was a major transition for me. It was my first job that I applied for, with my degree. I went from working split shifts in a before/after school program to working a full on shift for 9 hours straight as a teacher. It was my first work experience as a teacher. It was my first real job that had benefits. Maybe that’s why I was a complete wreck that first day because it was a huge transition.

I don’t want to be that way in this new job.

After going deep into how I’m feeling. This unknown and surreal feeling reminds me of how I felt whenever I started a new internship. I had a lot of internships in many different places.

I wasn’t too nervous because it was something I HAD to do in order to graduate. I just didn’t know what to expect & I just did it.

I don’t know what to expect.

However, this transition is a little bit easier.

I’m not transitioning into a different position. But I’m transitioning into a new school, new but familiar curriculum, new director, new staff, new co-teacher, new kids.

It’s like my internships. I wasn’t transitioning in a different position, I was still a student. Every semester I would go into a new school, work with new teachers and new students.

Tomorrow.

I don’t want to put any pressure on myself to NOT be shy or quiet. Because then I’ll probably get anxious and end up being shy and stand there in the corner. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself to ACT like I’m outgoing and talk a lot because I might get too nervous and say something stupid.

I just want to go in and just do it.

No pressure. No overthinking.

I get a new change and a new chance tomorrow. But I just need to remember to be myself and not pressure myself.

Even though tomorrow is the first day at a new start, it still takes time to grow and succeed.

-Mel

Changes: LIFE GOES ON.

Tomorrow is the last day of another chapter in my book.

When I got the email from my new job exactly 2 weeks ago, I had a whole mixture of emotions.

And that mixture of emotions went up and down like a roller coaster these last two weeks.

I would be sad about leaving my students and family. And just look at them already missing them. I would be sad and miss the moments I shared with each student. I would miss the silly things they would say and the unique personality each student has. I would miss their hugs and all the pictures they would make me. I would miss their wonderful families. I would be sad leaving my co-teacher and other co-workers.

Then at times I was angry. I would remember all the reasons why I wanted to leave. I thought about all the times that I was stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated at work. I thought about all the times that I left work with an: anxiety attack, panic attack or a migraine. Yesterday, I thought about all the times that they treated my co-teacher as the main teacher. And that got me really angry and so glad I was leaving.

There were times when I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was really anxious the moment I got the email up to giving the 2 weeks notice to my boss. When my boss tried to negotiate with me to stay on those 2 long frustrating meetings, it made me extremely feel uneasy and anxious. I questioned and second-guessed myself if I made the right decision to take that job. I had anxiety about all my finances and the upcoming trip for my brother’s graduation. For a couple of moments, I thought to myself, I’m going to be broke. I had many nights of my mind messing with me and not letting me sleep.

There were times where I felt good. I thought to myself, it’s a new change but a good change after looking back at the reasons for quitting. There are hundreds of reasons why I decided to quit and they are valid reasons. So it made me feel good that I made that decision. Additionally, I started to get support from my student’s parents when I told them I was leaving. I had parents tell me last week “You are doing this for yourself” and “Good for you”. That changed my perspective on everything. I stayed at this job for so long for other people and I’m leaving for myself. As much as the parents were sad I wasn’t staying, they were supportive on this new journey for me.

I haven’t been extremely sad this week.

My mind keeps on reverting back to the last days from my other jobs. I would cry either the night before or during the shift. I would tell myself, “this is the last time for____” for every little thing.

And I thought I would be very emotional this week, but I’m not.

I couldn’t figure out why until my drive home today.

Before I drove out of my work’s parking lot. I randomly decided to listen to “The Beatles Essentials” on my iTunes.

It immediately brought me back to senior year when I used The Beatles songs for my 18th Birthday.

The song “In My Life” started playing and I remembered using that for my slideshow. And then I started thinking about my students, then the memories would play in my mind and I started crying.

After a few miles down the freeway, the song ” Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” started playing. It sounded familiar, like I heard it in a restaurant or something a long long time ago. Then I heard the lyrics …….

“Obladi oblada life goes on brahhh
Lala how the life goes on”

And I started singing along loudly as if I were in a concert…. “LIFE GOES ON”

LIFE GOES ON.

And that’s when I knew that I wasn’t emotional about leaving because Life Goes On!

Change is scary. BUT. Change is inevitable. & SOMETIMES. Change is necessary.

I used to have a hard time with change. When a chapter of my life starts coming to an end, I would become extremely emotional. After the chapter would end, I would think about the moments from that chapter….days, weeks, months and even years later. I would not let it go. I always wanted those moments to be part of the current chapter, even though I had already finished that chapter.

I spend a whole lot of time in my mind: either in the present or in the future.

And according to my therapist, that is what ANXIETY is. We are either thinking about the past or always anticipating the future.

But after hearing the words, LIFE GOES ON.

I don’t want to dwell in the memories and moments from this job and have it affect my new job and current life.

This chapter is closing and even though I’ll keep in touch with my co-workers, I only want to keep in touch with those memories every once in a while. Not days, weeks, months or years later.

Tomorrow is the end of one chapter.

I’ll talk to you when the new chapter begins.

-Mel

(lack of) APPRECIATION & RECOGNITION.

As I’m starting my last week at this job…

the words “APPRECIATION” and “RECOGNITION” are appearing in my head multiple times.

As I was walking towards my classroom, someone told me “Did you change your mind?” I said no and then said, “Just know that you are appreciated”.

I didn’t know I was appreciated because I haven’t heard or seen appreciation towards myself.

One of the main reasons why I wanted to leave this job was lack of recognition.

I get it. My co-teacher is great, but she is always perceived and treated like the main teacher many many times.

It’s frustrating when you work so hard, you help so much and you get put on the sidelines. While all the praise goes towards your co-worker.

(I just deleted a lot: because I was just venting out of frustration)

I left my first job due to the lack of recognition. I was at a vulnerable phase in my life and I just needed some recognition that I was a nice and hard-working person. Because I felt worthless.

And before a work meeting, I mentioned to my boss that I have never been employee of the month after 6.5 years. And I did everything there. Helped with the registers, barista drinks, taking care of customers and bringing food to them. Clearing tables. Cleaning dishes and working on the line. Even helped with catering. And I helped whenever and wherever it was needed. And at that working meeting, the employee of the month was given to an employee that worked there for about 3 months. 3 f*cking months.

I was devastated. I left the meeting and cried. Then I went home and applied to jobs. Weeks later, I gave my two weeks notice. It was my home of 6.5 years with people I loved and I quit because I didn’t feel appreciated.

That first job was a phase in my life that I loved. I stayed there for so long because of the people.

But when you don’t show any appreciation towards someone or recognize them, things change.

It’s hard for me to go and visit that first job. It’s not the same and it will never be the same. I always called it “my second home” because I was there the same amount (sometimes more) than my own home. When I left, I didn’t want to know who would be taking my “position” or who would take over my shifts. Because it would hurt.

I always want that place to be in my memories of the good days with the greatest memories of the best co-workers. It’s hard to go there and see things change. It’s hard to go there and not see those great co-workers and that it’s not the same.

I always want to leave a job and let it go. Because of that.

With this job, I know that I would be updated about the daily events from my co-worker. But I don’t want to necessarily ask who my replacement is. I guess, I don’t want to think about someone replacing me and being better than me.

My therapist asked me how it felt to get some recognition after telling the parents and students about my resignation.

It felt good.

I don’t get recognition or appreciation all the time. I see hints of it here or there. But it’s not something I’m used to.

And it’s something I definitely need in my life.

& to be honest, I am not the best at verbally stating my appreciation for others. Like real appreciation, not just a simple thank you. Because I am easily emotional and will cry immediately after sharing some deep feelings. (And if you know me, I DON’T LIKE CRYING IN FRONT OF OTHERS).

So I write. I write cards. Or send texts when I want to share my appreciation to someone.

But I definitely show my appreciation. I will offer to pay for dinner, lunch, etc. I will buy a treat whenever I just see others struggling or frustrated about something. I will show it in my birthday/holiday presents to them. If they need help with anything, I will always help without being asked to.

I may not be verbally great at showing appreciation and recognizing others. But I try my best to show my appreciation in other ways.

As someone with depression and anxiety, being appreciated and recognized is something important to me. My mind overthinks everything due to anxiety and my mind also tells me that I’m not a good person and worthy of anything because of depression.

When you’re own mind doesn’t APPRECIATE you, you need someone else to APPRECIATE you.

& when others don’t appreciate you: you either let it affect you mentally or you leave.

Recognize the best in others. Appreciate others.

-Mel

Outside Influences & Second-Guessing.

I feel like a majority of my decisions in life have been influenced by the “opinions” of others.

Mainly my mother, which I talk about a lot in therapy.

So I won’t go into full details here.

I feel so unsure and anxious when making decisions a lot because of these outside influences.

I had a situation today where an outside influence was trying to affect me and basically was about to change my mind.

I put in my two weeks on Monday. My current boss has been trying her absolute best to have me stay. Every time I mention something, she fires back with a response. Basically saying that everything I’m looking for is here at this current job. She wouldn’t not stop and let me explain myself with out a response.

It got to the point where I felt peer pressured. And it’s making me second-guess my decision.

I didn’t give in. But now my mind has just been overthinking things. And I hate it.

Why do I lets others outside perspectives and opinions affect me so much?

I had a situation a month ago with my mother. Where I really liked this one dress and my mom takes a look at it, says that it’s nice but she prefers this one other dress. And that the one I wanted was too “easily wrinkled”. I got pissed and literally threw it on the rack. I was mad. She said something so small, but yet it had a huge effect. And I was mostly angry at myself for listening and not buying that dress. (BTW:I found that same dress over the past weekend, in a nicer color and on sale. So I bought it).

When I got offered the position at my new upcoming job. I had my co-workers basically tell me that I shouldn’t take the position. I wanted this job because it was the type of curriculum and environment that I wanted in a school. It came with it’s perks. It didn’t have the benefits of a big company like my current job, BUT I never wanted to be a teacher in a big company as well. I was excited to find a school that fit the needs of what I wanted as a teacher.

However, my co-workers kept on telling me to apply to this other job that paid more. But looking at their website, I wasn’t into their curriculum or the whole layout of that school when it comes to being a teacher there.

It’s not all about money to me. With depression and anxiety, I need to work in a nonjudgmental and less stressful environment. I didn’t take this new job for a great increase in pay. But for the curriculum and all the tools that made me want to be a teacher. Additionally, I heard from a former college classmate that my new boss is really nice. But with all the outside influence, maybe I’m second-guessing myself again.

All these outside outside influences and their effect, make me a weaker person. It doesn’t make confident in the decisions that I make for myself. It makes me overthink if I’m capable of making life-changing decisions for myself. And therefore, makes me think I’m steering my life in the wrong direction. Only because someone tells me so.

Why can’t I live my life and make my own decisions?

-MEL

I want to go back to the time where I didn’t spend a majority of my night worrying.

What if…?

Did I forget this?

Did I make the wrong decision?

Did I do something wrong?

Why haven’t _____ responded?

And everything ending with the WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIOS PLAYING AND REPLAYING IN MY HEAD.

Why did this start happening? When did this start happening and how did escalate to this level?

It’s been intense lately. These last night thoughts.

It makes me feel incredibly anxious and makes me feel like that I’m not a great person.

These worst possible scenarios are horrible. These scenarios go to places that isn’t really possible but somehow in these scenarios.. they make sense.

I feel like I can never relax. My body has been so tense and I feel on edge a majority of the time. And I shouldn’t feel so tense at night when I’m trying to relax and sleep.

So when was the time that I didn’t have this problem going to sleep & when did these thoughts occur?

Because I want to fix that and go to sleep immediately with a peace of mind.

-Mel

“WELL I’M DOING THIS FOR ME”. 

It finally happened.

I am leaving the job that I’ve been complaining about for the past months/year.

As soon as I got the email that told me my start date.

I immediately became anxious and overwhelmed.

I have pictured in my mind (for months) about what would happen when I would put in my two weeks.

Now it’s finally happened

And to be honest, I was f*cking scared and terrified when I first found out

I was about to go to sleep and casually checked my emails (which I didn’t check for hours because I didn’t feel good) and got the start date. Afterwards, I had an hour or two of: fear, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed and pacing back and forth.

I had to wait for an email back to confirm my start date because of an upcoming vacation, so I have to wait until after the weekend to give my two weeks. That whole day on Friday, I was a nervous wreck. More pacing, more anxiety.

I even had second thoughts of leaving. I would spend time with my students and started to get sad that I would be leaving them. At some point, I had thoughts of just forgetting about that new job and staying.

Then somehow in the next day, after moments of feeling sad in the morning. I thought, “WELL I’M DOING THIS FOR ME”.

I’m leaving for a reason.

I had so many moments throughout the last couple years where I didn’t leave for certain reasons. Mainly because of my co-teacher. First, I wanted to help her since she was new. Then it was because she was getting married. Then I wanted to stay until my class’ graduation. Then I stayed over the summer, to help another teacher since she was by herself. . Then I stayed to help with the transitions for my current class. Then it was to stay while my co-teacher went on her honeymoon. Then I had to stay after I got my job offer waiting for enrollment to increase and I had a fear of what they were going to do when I put in my two weeks.

I stayed to help other people. I didn’t stay to help myself.

I have become increasingly frustrated and stressed in this job. And I was doing this for other people.

And that’s not okay.

I was terrified on Friday thinking about how I’m going to tell my boss. But the fear is slowly drifting away because I’m going to explain to her that it’s for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still terrified of her response to my resignation. But now, I’ve figured out my reasons to back up my resignation.

Wish me luck.

-Mel