Nothing.

Life is hard since this new year (aka year 30).

I wanted to write a blog about how I’ve felt since I turned 30 and other things that I am passionate about…

but the words are still floating in my mind.

I wanted to visually display how I felt through art…

but I’m holding the pencil and my mind is blank.

I want to seek help

but (ONE) my therapist doesn’t accept my new insurance and now I have to start all over again and find a new therapist. (btw I’m not doing so well after a month without therapy)

and (TWO) I just don’t have the words to say how I feel.

I don’t know.

I’m just here.

Trying to survive…

-Mel

Starting a new decade. Year 30.

It doesn’t feel like I’m starting a new decade, a new age and a new year in less than 2 hours. It doesn’t feel like it’s my birthday in a couple of hours.

Honestly, I’m exhausted from these past couple of months of: ending a new job, starting a new job. Going to watch my brother graduate. Relatives from another country, another state and another city visit for his graduation party. And a week off of work and recovering it from it. And then trying to readjust to work after a week off. I’m exhausted.

And I’m too exhausted to care about my birthday. And doing all these things I normally complete days before my birthday.

Such as:

  • Crying and hating who I am.
  • Reminiscing over past memories by looking at old photos and crying more that I am not close with my close friends and family anymore due to my mental health.
  • Looking at my journal where I wrote on this day (June 4th) as long as I remember. I reminisced about my year and wrote my goals for the next year.
  • And lastly, staying up until midnight when I officially turn a new age. (I’m already sleepy writing this post…so that’s definitely not going to happen).

I was reading those June 4th journal entries from years past. And after reading those entries. I am embarrased.

I would have so much high hopes on my birthday (even when I would tell myself not to have expectations) and would get so disappointed and cried many times on my birthday.

I would write all those goals for the new year. I wasn’t successful in a majority of those goals.

I felt as if my birthday and a new year would magically change my life for the better.

But I was wrong. Many many many times.

I’m so done with birthdays. I’m actually nervous if someone will catch me off guard and actually surprise me with something. Because I’m at that point where I’m just over it and would give my fake smile or give that “WTF” look on my face.

I’m sleepy.

Here’s to the start of new year and a new decade.

Happy Birthday (to me)

-Mel

I don’t want to cry on my birthday again this year.

Early.

I would get soo excited.

Make big plans. Days before leading to my birthday and even after my birthday.

Go on a trip. Or go to Disneyland. Go to concerts. Have family parties.

Stay up until midnight.

I would have high hopes.

Then get disappointed.

I was watching a video I MADE FOR MYSELF 5 years ago for my 25th birthday.

And I didn’t think about good memories.

I thought about how happy I was despite all the pain from depression.

And how a majority of the pictures included close friends and cousins that I would see all the time.

And it breaks my heart knowing that we’re not close anymore…like in those photos.

I’m not going to spend my birthday with them this year.

& of course, I kept on thinking “what’s wrong with me?” why aren’t we close anymore.

(as I’m typing this, I’m crying and feel like I can’t breathe)

So. I don’t really care anymore. About birthdays.

After this one. Year 30. I don’t care.

I already planned a weekend getaway months ago. Because I was stressed from my old job, anxious about waiting for my current job to call. It was a stressful, exhausting time. So I planned a trip for my birthday (not knowing of course that I would have a week off of work before my birthday at my current job).

More thoughts tomorrow.

On my last day of my 20s.

-Mel