I don’t want to cry on my birthday again this year.


I would get soo excited.

Make big plans. Days before leading to my birthday and even after my birthday.

Go on a trip. Or go to Disneyland. Go to concerts. Have family parties.

Stay up until midnight.

I would have high hopes.

Then get disappointed.

I was watching a video I MADE FOR MYSELF 5 years ago for my 25th birthday.

And I didn’t think about good memories.

I thought about how happy I was despite all the pain from depression.

And how a majority of the pictures included close friends and cousins that I would see all the time.

And it breaks my heart knowing that we’re not close anymore…like in those photos.

I’m not going to spend my birthday with them this year.

& of course, I kept on thinking “what’s wrong with me?” why aren’t we close anymore.

(as I’m typing this, I’m crying and feel like I can’t breathe)

So. I don’t really care anymore. About birthdays.

After this one. Year 30. I don’t care.

I already planned a weekend getaway months ago. Because I was stressed from my old job, anxious about waiting for my current job to call. It was a stressful, exhausting time. So I planned a trip for my birthday (not knowing of course that I would have a week off of work before my birthday at my current job).

More thoughts tomorrow.

On my last day of my 20s.



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