All I’ve Ever Wanted in these Past 15+ years of Struggling with a Mental Illness is a HUG.

The most simplest form of human connection: A HUG.

And that’s something I want, but don’t get.

But it’s something that I want/need when I’m struggling with depression or anxiety.

I get those awkward side hugs from people, second-long hugs from relatives and hugs from my students.

But those hugs are just for greetings…saying hello or good-bye.

I want to be able to hug someone when I cry or when I have a panic attack.

An embrace.

These past couple of days have set off every trigger that I know and don’t know.

And once again, I was driving home. I started crying non-stop and my heart was pounding. I couldn’t breathe. I felt dizzy and couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t see from crying so much. I felt nauseous. And I’ve barely ate all week.

I kept on telling myself that I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.

And I still feel like I can’t do it.

All I kept on thinking about is how I need a hug.

I CANNOT STRESS HOW HARD IT IS TO LIVE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS LIKE DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY AND NOT GET ANY SUPPORT.

I felt like I was going to therapy, only for the fact that I wanted/needed someone to talk to. I was paying $75 every 2-3 weeks and using my insurance ONLY TO talk to someone because I needed to talk to someone.

(Side Note: I have to get a new therapist because of new insurances & stuff. So I haven’t been to therapy in 2 months).

I’ve mentioned many times that I don’t have any support with my depression and anxiety.

My parents don’t believe that mental illness is real. And that it is all in my head and that I should stop thinking about it.

My friend (basically only friend) doesn’t talk to me for months. She’ll state that she’s “there for me” whenever I need someone to talk to. But when I do really need someone to talk to and share my struggles with her, she either responds with “Oh I see” OR doesn’t respond. But when I change the subject, oh how quickly she will respond .

My cousin (who was like a best friend) started distancing herself from me when I would post quotes or photos about Mental Health Awareness on Instagram. And now we don’t talk or see each other (only for family parties) and she feels like a stranger to me.

I don’t want anyone to solve my problems or give me advice.

A hug.

That’s all I want when I’m struggling with my mental health problems.

-Mel

7 months.

Tonight. I’m letting my mind and body sleep naturally.

Whenever it is tired and wants to rest.

No melatonin. No sleep apps. No podcasts. No audiobooks.

I’m letting my mind and body experience something that it’s not used to.

Letting my mind and body sleep when it’s ready, not because I’m forcing it to.

I had an epiphany on my drive home (stuck in traffic).

I don’t like to self-diagnose myself.

But I feel like I have been experiencing some symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at my current job because of my previous job.

I don’t want to get in full details. But I feel like I get nervous asking for help in my current job due to the way I was treated or others were treated at my old job.

Then I was thinking about how these past 7 months have been the most difficult and exhausting months.

Additionally, the past 7 months have drastically affected my mental and physical health.

My anxiety has sky-rocketed. Depression has made an appearance back in my life. I have seriously considered ending my life about 3 times (don’t worry I’m fine now and like I said, I promised myself not to do it). My heart-rate fluctuates and I don’t know if it’s because of anxiety or something that I should get checked out. I have been getting an immense amount of headaches. And I had about 10x more migraines than I’ve had in the past 3 years. And a couple of weeks ago, I had trouble breathing and felt short of breath.

(Now I’m getting sleepy writing this…)

I can’t finish this. I’m tired.

Goodnight.

-Mel

Going from anxiety to depression.

I am very familiar with depression.

I am very familiar with anxiety.

& I’m very familiar with depression transitioning to anxiety.

But…

The transition from anxiety to depression is something that is unfamiliar to me.

And I don’t like it…

I had many moments of anxiety within the past week. And a million more moments of anxiety within the past year.

I have been really good at identifying my triggers and trying my best to stop them before a panic attack occurs.

And my panic attacks have been decreasing…

I have been so accustomed to anxiety symptoms and ways to help my anxiety ….so much that I have been forgetting that depression is tough.

It hit me today.

Depression.

Out of nowhere. Nothing extremely big happened to make me feel depressed.

It happened during nap time at work (I’m a Pre K teacher, if you’re confused) and when I went on my lunch, I just left. I drove a block away and stayed in my car. I didn’t feel well emotionally and mentally and I had to leave.

I wasn’t hungry. I felt so tired all the time. I tried my best to do my best at work. I do my work, but I probably look extremely exhausted.

And now as I’m thinking back to my symptoms of depression. But damn…now I’ve realized why I haven’t been able to sleep well lately.

It’s INSOMNIA. And it’s back with depression.

Yup. It’s depression. When insomnia starts to show up, it’s depression.

I don’t know.

It’ll come soon. When I break down and cry for hours.

Even though I’ve had depression since I was 14 (I’m 30 now).

I will never be prepared for how much depression affects me.

Physically. Mentally and Emotionally.

-Mel

Having Depression and Anxiety Does Not Make You a Bad Person.

I know the looks.

I know the stares.

I know the body language.

I know the tones in their voice.

I know the fake smiles.

I have major depressive disorder.

& I have anxiety.

I’m not a bad person.

And yet… the looks, the stares, the body language, the tones and the fake smiles directed towards me MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON.

All because of my mental health.

I didn’t choose to have depression & I didn’t choose to have anxiety.

So why am I being treated this way?

I don’t know & I don’t know if I will ever know.

Is it because I don’t approach people and ask to hang out…

Well here’s why:

A. I always initiate it. Asking to hang out, it’s always me. I always suggest, initiate, ask, make plans. And if I don’t the other person doesn’t initiate, ask me or makes plans with me. It’s one way.

B. Ditched. Cancelled. Or never communicates. There are many times where plans were made and they don’t happen. Plans made, sometimes confirmed. (BTW when I make plans with someone, I plan my entire day for that individual. Cancel errands, postpone tasks, etc.) Then I get that dreaded text (but very common) the night or that day with some excuse.

C. People forget. I always remember. And I’m left waiting by my phone for any confirmation. And end up just……….disappointed.

My mom asked me a week ago if I had seen or talked to my friend. And I said NO and immediately she put the blame on me. “Well you should communicate with her” and I just walked away.

It’s always my “fault.”

It’s my “fault” that I got depression and anxiety.

It’s my “fault” that I was vulnerable and shared something deeply personal to me.

It’s my “fault” that others distanced themselves away from me because I shared about my mental health.

It’s my “fault” that I don’t want to waste my time with those who don’t support me or make me feel like I’m worth anything to them.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a birthday part of my cousin’s daughter (who I absolutely love) and I was immediately triggered. Because my birthday was a week before and I had a small amount of birthday greetings. I didn’t have any of those small amount of people greeting me..ask me to dinner or something to celebrate. And there we were a week later, having a big party (and it wasn’t even her birthday for another week). Seeing so many people give presents, make a cake, buy another cake and telling her “happy birthday” gave me so much anxiety.

But the worst part was when I walked in to the party, my cousins saw me and gave me this look. And I immediately felt anxious and uncomfortable. It’s the kind of look, well…it was kind of like a disgusted look. Thats how I interpreted it. And their body language was just weird and the way they said “hi”… everything was just weird. And I could feel that energy right away. And I went inside to look at the food (which I decided not to eat because I felt uncomfortable and anxious), they all went inside after and just walked past by me, they all were huddled at one end of the island. I immediately stopped looking for food and sat in front of the TV away from everyone.

And it seems like so childish.. the way that I’m saying this. But that’s what I saw and that’s how it felt.

(oh and it’s July 5th, one month after my birthday. And my friend who said she’ll take me out after she feels better, STILL hasn’t contacted me)

This week we had a potluck for the Fourth of July at work. I typically go to my car during my lunch break. Because (1) staying inside the building during lunch just makes the day feel so much longer. (2) staying inside the building all day, especially if I had a rough morning, increases my anxiety. It’s a break for a reason. For the potluck, I stayed inside to eat the food from the potluck. And a co-worker made a comment of “why does it feel like there’s so many people in the break room today” and I could just feel the stares heading my way. I felt uncomfortable and then I left to go to my car even though it was like 85 degrees.

I’m not a bad person.

I work hard. I do things for my family. I always think about others wants and needs before mine. I make sure to see things from another’s point of view.

And yet, the way others treat me feels like I’m a bad person.

Having depression doesn’t make you a bad person.

Having anxiety doesn’t make you a bad person.

And if others don’t support you through a hard, lonely and very difficult time.

Then I’m sorry, then they are bad people.

You have so many things happening to you mentally and physically with depression and anxiety….you need support through it.

And when others don’t support you and make you feel bad for it,

then they are the ones who should feel ignored, unwanted and lonely.

-MEL