Just Because I’m “SHY” doesn’t mean I’m less of a person.

I am an introvert.

So I’m always associated with the word “SHY”.

And I hate that word.

It’s always brings out such a negative energy with it.

“You’re so shy and quiet”

“Don’t be shy!”

“She’s shyyyyy…..”

I heard that word “SHY” the day before my week off in December when I had a meeting with my boss.

And I immediately felt my heart sink and my brain explode.

From that one word.

It devalued me. It made me feel like sh*t.

It made me feel like a horrible teacher.

All because I don’t “communicate” enough with the families of my students. When we had larger problems of a student with behavior problems hurting others and ourselves. And problems with behaviors in other students. So we were on a high level of stress and being completely overwhelmed.

So from that one meeting and just working in a stressful environment, it completely ruined my Christmas and week off. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

And then a couple of weeks ago, a couple hours before my weekend. Yet another use of “shy” was said about me in my work evaluation. Basically, I got a low score on my communication with co-workers. I kinda figured it was because during work, I don’t communicate as much with teachers of other classrooms. And it wasn’t that. She basically wants me to communicate more in situations that are outside of work. She mentioned lunch (and I knew it was because I like to have lunch in my car) and that would like to see me at the staff “bonding” events or dinners (that are not paid…). So I got a low score because I don’t bond or communicate enough with co-workers on my own time that I’m not getting paid for.

That destroyed me. Ruined my whole weekend. To alleviate my anxiety at work with all the stress that I’m dealing with, I like to sit in my car during my lunch hour. Watch some videos, listen to podcasts, at times have a panic attack. And all the staff outings are always on days I’m busy and have something to do.

That word.

SHY.

I f*cking hate that word.

When people use that word to describe me, they use it to devalue and belittle me. A majority of the time they don’t know it, but it destroys me ( as stated in the above examples).

That word is never used in a positive way. At least with myself.

It’s always negative.

It’s associated with words like: quiet, introverted, reserved, loner, unassertive, unsure.

Along with SHY….QUIET is another word I hate.

There is alot of times where I am quiet.

Sometimes it’s due to my mental health like feeling anxious or nervous at certain situations so I freeze. Whenever I’m in a social event, I am extremely anxious so I can’t talk or say anthing. Sometimes it’s because I am always tired and I really just don’t want to strike a conversation. And sometimes I’m quiet because I don’t have anything to say.

I’m gonna dig a little deeper into my mental health and why I’m so quiet or shy to others.

When I was in Preschool/Kindergarten, I don’t know exactly what happened but I completely stopped talking in school. I don’t know what the situation was. Maybe someone embarrassed me or made fun of me or what I said…then I stopped talking.

I went up to First and Second grade not talking in school (which I later discovered that it is called Selective Mutism). My first grade teacher NEVER saw it as a delay in my education. She always found ways to have me participate in class without forcing me to talk. And thus, I wanted to become a teacher because of her. In second grade, ehhh not so much. I remember being so behind in my reading list. Because I was supposed to answer questions from the book. And everytime I didn’t talk, the teacher basically gave up on me.

During that time, I did play therapy at school. Where I went to school early and basically played with a therapist to determine how to help me in school to talk.

Then it was decided that I should transfer to a new school in 3rd grade. And that fresh start helped.

I know I have a lot more moments of being called shy in a negative way.

But this particular moment made me feel like I was less of a person.

When I worked at a before/after school program, I was invited to go to dinner for a co-worker’s birthday. I had no plans so I went and the co-worker was always nice to me. While waiting for a table, my director’s boyfriend just kept on poking at me that I was quiet. Like that’s the only thing he talked to me about. And I wanted to cry because I felt like I was being bullied.

Just because I’m shy or quiet doesn’t mean that I’m different from everyone else.

That doesn’t mean that I’m lazy or inadequate of doing anything.

I am a hard-working person and just because I don’t want to tell everyone everything about my life DOES NOT MEAN that I’m less than a person or that I’m inferior to everyone else.

If you are one of those “shy”, “quiet” or “introverted” individuals, don’t let everyone else make you think that you are less than a person.

Have a great day.

-Mel

Hurting myself physically when I’m hurting mentally.

Yesterday was rough.

Physically, emotionally and mentally.

And then it was pushed way over the edge.

That moment it was pushed over the edge.

I had to hold it.

Had to hold my emotions inside.

Once I was in a safe and private area,

I…..exploded.

Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t stop crying.

Kept on telling myself that life isn’t worth it.

And then I did something I haven’t done in a long time.

Self-harming myself.

I would bite my fingers hard. I scratched my arms to the point where it left red marks.

I tried using my pen to scratch me. But really, I was drawing lines to show where I wanted to hurt myself more.

I wanted to hurt myself more and more intensely.

As much as I thought that life wasn’t worth it and as much as I wanted to injure myself more and more, I didn’t want to kill myself.

Self-harm isn’t an indication for a suicide attempt.

I feel like the reason I self-harm myself is because I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I want to feel that pain physically.

It’s weird…huh?

I don’t get it too.

I haven’t had experiences of self-harm in a long time.

My other form of self-harm used to be banging my head against a hard surface (once after a concussion).

And after I realized what I was doing, I felt so ashamed of myself and basically made myself feel like shit.

Self-harm is horrible before it happens, during the process and the shame/guilt afterwards.

-Mel

It’s Thursday.

Hello.

It’s Thursday.

The day of the week where all of a sudden: my anxiety and depression are heightened and basically I feel like sh*t.

On this week’s episode:

I had a rough day before going to work. I had a rough day at work with an increasingly amount of anxiety. And now I am basically torturing myself and thinking about my past.

I don’t know what it is about Thursdays. I start breaking down during this time of the week. And what sucks is that I still have ONE more day of work to get over with.

(Just a warning, this blog is a bit of just everything that came from my mind today into a post….this might be long).

I woke up today immediately confused. I didn’t remember turning on my white noise machine last night and I wake up hearing it. And then I started questioning myself if I turned it on. Afterwards as I was leaving for work, I backed up my car and scratched the back of my dad’s car (he was not happy). Work was just stressful as always with an added amount of: forgetfulness, exhaustion and anxiety. I had anxiety over an upcoming evaluation. I came home extremely lethargic, exhausted and just tired.

On my way home, I started thinking about what my co-workers were talking about….Valentine’s Day. And I thought about how long and hard I worked to train myself not to think about Valentine’s Day as a day that everyone has to celebrate. Besides celebrating it at work ( due to being a teacher), I will only think about it as a regular day.

And then I started to think back to how I got to that idea of treating Valentine’s Day only as February 14th. Before having relationships, I would always “dream” of having a romantic date with a significant other with flowers (not roses). And yes, it was mostly from watching movies and tv shows. So naturally when I was in a relationship, I was expecting a lot of cliche’ Valentines things. And in one relationship, we made it official. So Valentine’s Day was very important to me (back then).

And then I became single year after year. And when Valentine’s Day came, I was very very depressed. Luckily, I had some family and friends who would write sweet notes to me on that day. I don’t know when it started, but one year I just told myself that Valentine’s Day is NOT a big deal. And I thought if everyone proposed on this day, said “I love you” for the first time on this day and had first dates on this day….then it’s not really special. Because you’re sharing that day with everyone else. And then I started caring less about Valentine’s Day. When I became a teacher, that holiday had a different meaning. And I would say that I had 24 little Valentines every year.

ANYWAYS…

Throughout these Valentine’s thoughts, I thought about why I’ve been single for so many years. 10 years now!!

The reason is that I don’t trust people.

With my last relationships and how they ended (broke up with me to be ‘single’ but really broke up with me to be with another girl x2), it is very easy to lose trust with anyone and everyone. Especially when friendships end, you pour your heart and soul to someone just to be ignored and pushed aside. It will need someone very special to earn my trust with everyone again. I have talked to guys before, but once it starts to get a little bit more serious then I just end it.

And then of course it brings me back to thinking about my ex. Especially the last one. The one who is consistently in my dreams. And I have come to the realization that I probably have lots of dreams with him in it, due to the fact that we never really had closure. At least to me, I didn’t feel like I had any closure with him. With my other ex, we’re good. I haven’t seen him in years, but the last time we saw each other, we were on good terms. With the last ex, I would feel nervous if I ever ran into him.

Side note: Once I started thinking all these different thoughts, I just started putting myself down and thinking that I’m not a great person. Especially when I started reading the evaluation from my boss.

So what do you do when you feel like sh*t and had a bad day. Look on social media and try to find people from your past. Old best friends who used you and didn’t really care about you only on social media. Of course exes and friends of exes to just top it off.

Then it starts to get later and later, but you want to dig deep more into your past. And go into old scrapbooks from 2004-2011. Seeing photos and memories from years past. Decades ago. I forgot I was 30…

And now you just feel like sh*t. And you’re exhausted.

And you have to go BACK to work tomrorow.

…..

why?!

Let’s see what next Thursday brings.

-Mel