Being A Teacher is Hard.

I’ve wanted to become a teacher ever since I was in 1st grade.

Because of my teacher at that time.

I didn’t talk at school up until 2nd grade. (I now know that it’s called Selective Mutism)

I was scared to talk at school. I don’t know the exact reason why. Maybe someone made fun of something I said in preschool and it stuck with me until Elementary School. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been an introvert my entire life.

All my teachers up to 1st grade saw my “shyness” as a problem or a setback. They saw my selective mutism as a negative thing & they were trying to figure out ways to make me talk. They either forced me to talk or just gave up.

I was already shy and insecure at that age. And forcing me to talk decreased my self esteem even more. Especially if they put me on the spot in front of everyone.

But when I got to 1st grade, my teacher never saw it as a problem. She focused on different ways to have me participate in class instead of talking in front of everyone.

For Show and Tell, she had me record on a cassette tape and talk about the item I was showing.

And she always found ways to increase my self esteem. Like giving me an award at the assembly.

She made me feel good about myself.

And when I broke my arm and had a cast. She had some really nice classmates help me write and help me with my lunch.

I wanted to become a teacher because of her.

And now I’m a Pre-K teacher.

As a teacher, you have the students that you have to keep an eye on all the time. The ones that always talk and want attention. And the ones in between.

But I always focus on the ones in the background, the ones that don’t speak up.

I always make sure to spend a little extra time with them.

If a student was afraid to do something, I never forced them to do it. I always observed them and found ways to increase their confidence.

But with teaching for about 5 years and having an extremely difficult class with lots of behavior problems.

It makes it hard to focus on the quieter students because I have to always keep an eye out for the other ones.

Now with the pandemic, and having the same 7 kids for almost 3 months now…. we need a break from each other.

And for these almost 3 months, I’m the only main teacher since my co-teacher decided to ditch me this entire time.

I do have help. But it’s my classroom, so I need to be in charge of every little thing. And the help that I receive is only in the morning. So in the afternoon, I’m all by myself.

With these behavior problems increasing, alongside with my anxiety and migraines increasing, I just become so negative and I don’t enjoy being a teacher.

It’s been difficult.

And I hate it when I keep all this anger inside of me and I become so negative with my students.

Because that’s not the reason why I became a teacher.

It makes me feel so evil when I get so angry at them.

And I’m currently on my lunch & I’m hating myself for this.

I don’t think I can be a teacher anymore.

& I’ve probably stated this so many times.

But this overwhelming feeling and stress is not worth it.

I want to be there for my students but I can’t be there for them if I’m so angry and overwhelmed.

Being a teacher is hard. Yes we teach. We also communicate with parents. We are the referees for arguments and not sharing with toys. We are nurses when they get a booboo. We are therapists at times and listen to their feelings when they are angry or sad. We are their supporters and cheerleaders when they do something (literally anything like be a good helper or when they make a building with blocks). We are so many things than just teaching them letters or numbers.

And it’s so hard to do all these things and not get any appreciation. I’m not saying that I need hundreds of coffee gift cards. But when Teacher Appreciation Week happened earlier this month, there was a lack of appreciation. We are in a worldwide pandemic where we are risking our lives to provide care for their children. And I had a couple of families give gifts to show their appreciation. But the other families didn’t even say Thank You.

Each type of teacher has their struggles and hardships. There are infant teachers, toddler teachers, preschool teachers, Pre-K teachers. There are Elementary School teachers, Middle School, High School and College Professors. Also there are Special Education teachers. We all have different struggles. But we care about our students and want them to succeed.

Being a Teacher is Hard.

-Mel

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Am I not worthy enough to feel loved?

I’ve been single for awhile….

I had my shares of ups and downs for being single for so long.

I had accepted being single for a long time. Because looking back at my past relationships and the heartbreak and pain that I was experiencing wasn’t worth it. If I was meant to be single for the rest of my life, then I just had to live with it, no matter what. And with the influence of some single foster and adoption moms that I’ve seen on Instagram, I think I want to be a single parent.

However…

I’ve hit rock bottom, feeling that loneliness and not feeling like I will never feel loved and cared by someone. Those f*cking couples that are “perfect” and romantic movies get to me sometimes.

That question in my title is something I asked myself last week when I was contemplating suicide….

I don’t know if it really makes sense…

But I just want someone to love me, for me.

I had a relationship, where I felt like I want to experience that stereotypical relationships you see on movies and shows. I wanted the flowers for Valentines Day. I thought I really wanted some jewelry (in reality I hated receiving jewelry).

I talked to a guy after a heartbreak and I felt like I wanted to be with him. But in reality, I just needed to fill that void from my heartbreak.

I’ve talked to some guys on dating apps. I’ve talked to guy where the conversations faded and didn’t go anywhere. One especially that I started to really like and we had many things in common. And he more I talked and started to like to him, the more fearful I became. I had really hard breakups where I didn’t feel good enough and that mindset affected me. So I stopped talking to him and “unmatched”….(I still regret it until this day).

When people talk about soul mates and the “one”….I’m starting to think it’s just all lies. Where’s mine?

I’m almost 31.

Do I really have to wait around for the “one” to come around?

Or am I just not worthy enough to feel loved by someone?

-Mel

4 AM

This is the THIRD Saturday in a row where I have woken up at 4am.

No nightmares. Not feeling too cold or too hot. No loud noises waking me up.

Just naturally waking up at 4am.

And I wrote my previous post around 11pm last night and fell asleep around 12:45am.

So yea… I didn’t get too much sleep.

Now it’s a thing for Saturday’s now…

And I couldn’t understand why.

I’ve had bad insomnia before where I would wake up or sleep at the same time every night. There was one summer when I fell asleep at 5am everyday. Or one phase when I would sleep at 11pm, wake up at 1am and go back to sleep on a daily basis.

Having the same sleeping schedule is normal when it’s on a daily basis. But this occasion is weird, its EVERY SATURDAY AT 4am. Not Friday then Saturday. Specifically every Saturday. Between 4-4:30am. No matter what time I slept the night before. I still woke up around 4am.

And what’s one thing you do when you’re confused about something? You Google it!

So I typed in waking up at 4am.

And apparently… waking up at 4am. Specifically the hour of 4am has something to do with breathing and the lungs. And it also can mean sadness, feeling disappointed, just depression in general.

And now I get it. I generally have a hard time being able to breathe lately because my anxiety gets really bad. So that explains the breathing and lungs part.

And uh…the last post written a couple of hours ago said I wanted to kill myself. So the sadness and depression explains it too.

I just don’t understand why every Saturday. Like I’m glad it’s a Saturday and not a work day. Running on less than 4 hours of sleep being a Pre K teacher wouldn’t be the best thing. So I’m glad my body decides to do it on the weekend, so I could either sleep in or take a nap.

I’ve been feeling small amounts of depression here or there in the past couple of weeks. And my body is physically reacting to it.

And it’s almost 6am now….

Now what?

-Mel

Why am I still here?

I’m going to be honest here.

And say that at this moment,

I’m crying and having a hard time breathing.

I usually wait until after a panic attack or suicidal thoughts to write these.

But I need to say everything that I’m feeling in the state that I’m currently in.

I don’t want to be here anymore. And I have these thoughts so many times and I never act upon it.

Why? Why am I still here?

Why didn’t I follow my plan and kill myself before I turned 18?

Maybe I thought my life would get better.

But I was wrong, I turn 31 in a couple of weeks.

And I hate my life so much.

And I don’t like admitting that. Because I know people are having worse problems than I do.

I hate myself. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I am impatient I am when it comes to people texting or messaging back. I hate how things got worse after graduating college.

I hate how scared I am to do things.

Why? why did I stay alive?

I still think about that one day when I was so fucking depressed. And I had a plan to kill myself. And I told my parents that I wasn’t going to a family party because I didn’t feel good… so I can kill myself. And I got yelled at and had to go. I had a plan. And I really wanted to do it.

Life wasn’t worth it.

And I never feel like I’m good enough. Wasn’t good enough for my past boyfriends because they left me for other girls. Never good enough my mom.

Not good enough for my friends and cousins. Because I shared about my mental health and they decide to stop talking to me.

I want this pain to end.

I want to kill myself because I want this pain to end.

The pain of not being satisfied with my career path. The pain of being lonely because people leave. The pain of not accomplishing your goals by the time I reached my 30s. I’ve been in my 30s for almost a year now and I fully regret not killing myself when I was 18.

It wasn’t worth it.

I thought things would get better. But it’s not and I have to pretend every fucking day that I’m okay.

I’m not.

And yet, I still won’t kill myself.

I’m going to stay alive.

Why? I don’t know