I’ve been thinking about how my perspectives on relationships have changed throughout my lifetime.
I wrote a post… a couple of weeks ago. Stating that I want to be loved by someone. After being single for so long, I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find someone who likes me… for me. I was very vulnerable during that time. I became so depressed because life became too overwhelming and I couldn’t handle it. So I went into deep and dark thoughts. But after recovering from that, I don’t feel that way anymore.
I’ve been reading this book called “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love” By Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.”
It talks about the different attachment styles, but for adults and how it can affect your relationship. I have an anxious attachment style. I just read the chapter about my attachment and it absolutely blew my mind. It talks about wanting an indication that the relationship is okay and I absolutely do that. I’ve marked so many pages of things that I did in relationships that I didn’t notice until now. It didn’t make me feel good reading about it, but it’s something that I had to recognize.
I want to have a relationship, where we can live our own lives and we can trust each other. I want to have my own life and I want my partner to live their own life. In my last relationship, I felt as if my entire life was based on the relationship. And I based my entire “happiness” on those guys. And when it ended, it hit me hard and depression happened. I don’t want to think that my life has to align perfectly with my partner’s life. If there is honesty and trust, then I believe things will be okay.
It WILL be hard with my attachment style to achieve that kind of relationship. And I know that it’s something I have to work on.
My outlook on relationships have changed:
When I was in my teen/early twenties phase: I’ve had this romantic perspective of relationships from seeing movies and t.v. shows. I thought that a guy would sweep you off of your feet. He would write you sweet notes all the time and buy you flowers and jewelry. You were supposed to hold hands and have romantic dinners for special occasions.
So naturally, I thought that was supposed to happen in my first and second relationship. I really thought he was supposed to buy me flowers and jewelry. And I don’t like wearing jewelry. I wanted to do everything with my partner. If I had some errands to go, I would ask them to come with me. I wanted to see them everyday and when I couldn’t see them, we would go on Skype or talk on the phone for hours.
And then they cheated on me, broke up with me to be “single”, and then they blamed me for the relationship not working.
Looking back on it now. I’m glad they did that.
It definitely hurt and I became severely depressed. But I think I needed a reality check on how relationships should be. Now I have a different perspective on it. I felt like I had to do everything and be with them all the time, because I was scared to lose them.
Now it makes sense with my attachment style. I wanted to talk to them all the time, for that validation that our relationship was okay. And it just made things worse, because they cheated on me.
My last relationship was 10 years ago. I was 21 and now I’m 31.
During the first 5-6 years of being single, I felt like I had to fill that void of loneliness. So I would start talking to guys who were attracted to me, but I wasn’t attracted to them. I would talk to them on the phone at night, because that’s when I felt the loneliest. But then I would stop talking to them, because it didn’t feel right.
In the past couple of years, I grew comfortable with being single. I would start doing things on my own without any friends accompanying me. Sometimes I would start to feel lonely, but the self-confidence I grew outweighed that. It’s okay to do things by yourself!
In addition, I wouldn’t get jealous or sad of seeing others in relationships anymore.
I would see my friends and cousins receive these amazing gifts from their partners. And I wouldn’t get jealous. I knew that the feeling of working hard to buy something that you really wanted, was more significant than someone buying it for you.
In the past couple of years, I didn’t care about Valentine Days, romantic movies or couples posts on social media. It didn’t make me feel sad or lonely anymore. Valentines Day had a new meaning to me as a teacher. It meant making sure all my students made their Valentines bags and that they didn’t skip someone passing out their Valentine Cards. Romantic movies were just another movie. And when someone would post about their partner, I would just move on to the next post.
I don’t know what will happen in my life in 10 years or even a year from now.
But I do know that when I am able to afford it, I am going to adopt a child and be a single mother. And I’m okay with that. I follow these single adoption moms on Instagram and I’m very inspired by them. Their love for their children is so substantial. I want to be a mom someday and if I have to do it alone, then it’s fine. That child will be greatly loved by: me, my family and my relatives.
Sure I check on dating apps and have talked to guys. But I think I need to work on my attachment style and how I can put it towards what I want in a relationship.
I’ve been focusing on myself these past couple of years. I’m trying to understand my depression and anxiety. I’m trying to understand what my triggers are, what experiences have shaped my thoughts and insecurities I have.
And I’m so excited to say that I’m going back to therapy this week.
-Mel.
hello melmel 