These past two weeks have been hard for me: emotionally, mentally and physically.
My week off was far from relaxing and my week back was overwhelming.
The very first day of my “vacation”, I decided to share my feelings towards this guy I’ve been talking to. I started to have feelings for him & I knew that his feelings weren’t reciprocal. To prevent my feelings from getting hurt, I decided to tell him earlier than later. I wanted to do it during my week off, that way I can give myself at least two days to feel hurt and cry about it. Then I could move on.
But that didn’t happen.
He messaged me once after I told him my feelings. Then he didn’t talk to me at all. I constantly checked my phone to see if he responded. And I couldn’t cry about it. I was numb. I started to have these feelings that I haven’t had in 10 years (when I had my last relationship).
I started to think:
- He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore
- He’s probably talking to someone else.
- Did I do or say something that makes him less attracted to me?
- Why isn’t he messaging me back?
- And lastly, WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
When I had that last thought, that really hit me.
I thought, “WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING?”
WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THAT?
I hated it. I hated feeling that way.
I took a step back and tried to decipher all my feelings & why I was suddenly feeling this way.
I follow a lot of mental health advocates, therapists, specialists, etc. on Instagram. I’ve noticed that the word “trauma” popped up a lot on my feed. And I started to relate to those trauma posts.
When I think about trauma, I think about PTSD or a traumatic event like rape or a natural disaster. I didn’t think that I had trauma or even close to having trauma because I didn’t have any major experiences like that.
I looked at the definition of trauma and saw that it is an harmful event that can have an effect on a person many years later.
I believe that I experienced two types of events in my life that caused trauma:
- When my grandmother passed away when I was 14. The grief I experienced turned into depression.
- The two times that I experienced heartbreak. They both cheated on me, broke up with me to single. But got in a relationship with the other girl. And one of them blamed me for the breakup. The heartbreak I experienced also turned into depression.
Those two types of events have impacted me throughout my life in different ways.
I decided to have a consultation with a Trauma-Informed Coach. She told me more information about trauma. Because I still didn’t enough knowledge about it. I told her and my therapist about trauma. I told them that it was strange how those feelings of not being “good enough” came back 10 years later.
After being single for so long, I wanted to improve my communication in relationships and become stronger when it didn’t work out. Because I didn’t like those feelings I had 10 years ago.
I didn’t like that I belittled myself because I wasn’t “good enough” for my exes.
Now I know that those breakups did affect me with relationships and feelings for guys. Now I know that it’s trauma.
That week off and having those thoughts really messed me up. I was supposed to be “relaxing” all week. But those thoughts overpowered those relaxing moments. I barely ate that week and it turned into not having an appetite. Also, I felt sick trying to “force” myself to eat. And then insomnia came back…I would wake up at 3 or 4. The only good thing about that is when I would watch the sun rise.
I didn’t have anything to focus on. I was alone with my thoughts.
I was looking forward to go back to work. I wanted to be busy and have something to focus on.
Then…I went to work. And everything changed….LITERALLY.
My classroom split into two. They put a wall in the middle and made two classes in one classroom. And now my new co-teacher and I had our own mini classrooms (COVID-19 changed so many rules on ratios).
I had a long trek of being a solo teacher, getting help and trying to get her to be my co-teacher. And then they’re just going to “take her” away from me before she works full-time. I was angry. Also, they moved everything around and I had no clue where everything was.
The changes in the classroom became stressful, then my student’s behaviors became overwhelming on top of that.
I had a therapy session on Wednesday during my lunch. She asked me how I was and I started to talk about work. I spent about 5 mins explaining what’s happening at work. I was talking fast and didn’t take a breath in between words and sentences. She talked to me about it and I started to cry. She talked about how much work is having an impact on me mentally. We did some breathing exercises because I really couldn’t breathe from all the work I was doing and the anxiety that came with it.
I really need to get away from this job. It made me lose my passion for teaching.
& it’s really sad.
That one student, one class, a lack of support and unappreciative parents can make me lose my love for teaching.
I’m scared for what this week will bring.
But there’s nothing that I could do.
There’s nothing I could do about the guy not communicating with me, after I told him my feelings. It’s his decision.
There’s nothing I could do about my work dividing my classroom into two and working solo again as a teacher. It’s their decision.
These two decisions made by others affected me a lot these past few weeks.
But I just have to deal with it right now and figure out the best decisions to move forward.