Pain:Mental & Physical.

It has been a rough week.

I was hit with some unexpected moments….then depression occurred. Followed by panic attacks. Followed by hitting rock bottom. Followed by suicidal thoughts. Followed by: nausea, upset stomach, migraines and forcing myself to eat.

I cried so much.

It was the type of crying when you feel your heart break.

It began last Friday. I actually had a good week at work. & I left work so happy for the 3-Day Weekend. Then later that night, I suddenly became really sad and cried. And I had no idea why. I immediately thought about the relationships and friendships I’ve had. And I just kept on asking myself “WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO STAY”.

I had been talking to a guy for almost a month. And then all of a sudden, he just stopped talking to me the next day. And then my feelings of anxiety grew.

On Sunday, I began having panic attacks. I couldn’t understand what happened. And then I began to feel extremely nauseous throughout the day. I barely could eat and I felt like I was forcing myself to eat.

On Monday, he texted me that his ex called him that Friday night. And that he needed time to think about their conversation and basically, think about if he wanted to be back with her or still continue with the relationship that we were forming. That increased my depression and anxiety. It was supposed to be a great day off and I was filled with worried thoughts. I spent the next couple of days anticipating for his text or call telling me that he wants to be back with his ex. I didn’t want to assume anything. But he needed days to think about his relationship with his ex. If he liked me enough, he wouldn’t need 5 days to think about i. I felt extremely nauseous that day.

I was depressed, hitting rock bottom.

On Wednesday, I just walked into work and my co-worker immediately noticed a change in me. She asked if everything was okay and I was like, “yeah”. She didn’t believe me and then I shook my head “no”. I was crying at the beginning of nap time at work before she came in to give me my lunch. I think my mind knew that it was going to happen that day. And then it did. He texted me and asked to talk to me during lunch. I called him and my intuitions were right. He wanted to go back with his ex. I couldn’t say a single word when we talked.

And then when we ended the call, I texted him that I was really upset about the timing of this. I told him that I was depressed during those days we didn’t talk and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for the people who were in my life. And now I wasn’t good enough for him.

I still had nausea and forced myself to eat. The mental and physical pain that I was experiencing was so intense that I wanted it to stop. And I wanted to end my life for that pain to stop.

Again my co-worker had noticed that something was wrong when I came back from work. She asked if I needed a hug and I was crying and shook my head yes. I cried for the rest of that nap time. And felt more nauseous at the end of nap time knowing that I had to stop my tears and pretend that I was okay.

Then I started getting a migraine at 7PM that night.

On Thursday, I woke up with that same migraine. I had an aura and felt like my vision was blurry. And I was still feeling nauseous. Then when I was driving home from work, I got a call from my mom saying that she was taking my dad to the ER. So I was having anxiety when my mom wasn’t calling with any updates. I couldn’t sleep that night to the worries I was having.

Then on Friday, fortunately all my dad’s tests results were great but he had to stay for more tests. I still had some worries throughout work. Then my one student decided to have a bad day to end my horrible week. I was already feeling anxious and nauseous. Then I was getting an upset stomach from all the stress.

I hate how when you are hurting mentally, then you are hurting physically.

It’s bad enough that your mind is messing with you, then your body reacts and attacks you.

I hate it when I’m depressed. It just kills my spirit and I feel like I don’t know who I am.

So

Let’s start off the new week on a positive note, let’s try.

I think I need a break from dating apps. It’s done nothing but hurt me this year. I think with the first guy, I was getting used to talking to someone everyday. So I just kept on staying on the dating apps because I just wanted to talk to someone. I just deleted the apps and need to have self-control and not download the apps again.

I’m going to try my best to do more things than lay down and watch Youtube and Netflix when I’m home. I’m going to try to be more productive. The depression made me feel so sluggish and unable to achieve anything.

Also, I think I need time to write down and process everything I felt. So it’s all out of my head.

Let’s start another week.

No expectations.

No disappointments.

-MEL

Can We Just Be Honest?

We should be over this phase of playing games when we are in our THIRTIES.

If you are in a relationship or dating someone and don’t want to be with them anymore, just be honest and tell them. Don’t “ghost” them/suddenly stop communicating.

If you in a relationship and you notice your feelings decrease with your partner and increase with someone else….just be honest and break up with your partner. Don’t cheat on your partner.

It’s funny how I wrote my last post about not feeling “good enough” for friends, family, exes, etc.

And as I’m writing that post…..

I had been talking to someone for weeks and all of a sudden….just stopped communicating out of nowhere.

& that validated my feelings of not feeling “good enough”.

Just talk to me & be honest. If you don’t want to talk to me anymore. Let me know.

Yes, it will hurt. But that hurt feeling will be temporary.

But I rather get an explanation than no explanation at all.

Because a sudden stop in communication is feeding into my depression and anxiety.

It’s making me feel like I’m not “good enough”. It’s making my mind question every action I did and every word I said.

“What ifs” begin to appear. What if I didn’t broaden our conversations enough? What if I shared too much about work struggles? What if I was just too boring?

What if I wasn’t good enough…

I have so many relationships (friends/exes/cousins) that have ended without any closure.

I am always left behind wondering… WHAT HAPPENED?

We surpassed our teenage years and twenties..we should be older and wiser enough to tell people how we feel.

We should be able to be honest with each other.

-Mel

(& yes it is 3:39AM)

WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

I actually had a pretty good week at work, was soo ready for a 3 day weekend

& here I am crying….

I feel so depressed and I feel like crap.

Last week, I talked about my relationships to my therapist.

My relationships with: exes, friends, cousins, etc.

As I talked about each type of relationship, I noticed that I was repeating myself. A pattern started to form.

I would say the upside and downfalls of each relationship…and it was similar to the upside and downfalls of other relationships too.

With my exes, we would be close. Then the more I shared about my feelings, my insecurities showed. And it pushed them away…..to the point where they found someone else. They cheated on me and broke up with me.

With my best friend, we were really close. Then the more I vented to her, the more I got “Oh I see” as a response. The more I shared about my struggles with depression, the less we communicated. Then eventually, I stopped sharing my struggles to “save” our friendship. And now it’s been more than a year since we last talked.

With my cousins, again, we were close. I was particularly close with one of them. We would hang out all the time, talk everyday. But yet again, my depression & anxiety got too much. At one point, I stopped caring what everyone thought and shared more about mental health on my Instagram. I stopped pretending that I was okay whenever I was at family parties & kept to myself. But then again, sharing my struggles with my mental health just decreased the communication. And I was left out of cousin group chats and was sitting by myself during Christmas & family parties.

In all these situations, I always felt like I was the only one holding on to that relationship. If we didn’t talk in awhile, I would always initiate it. I would always suggest to hang out or talk.

I just kept holding on….wishing that they were holding on to that relationship too.

Soo.. the pattern.

  1. We were close
  2. Talk about struggles with mental health
  3. A decrease in communication
  4. Eventually, the end of that relationship (with or without closure)

My therapist told me to not let affect my own self-worth.

But I can’t help but think…it’s my fault.

WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

Is it because of my mental health? My depression? My anxiety?

OR

Is it just because of me….

Am I just really awkward for them? Am I just boring because I’m an introvert and homebody?

OR

Is it both?

I know that I’m being too hard on myself.

But I can’t help but think that it’s my fault.

& that I wasn’t good enough to continue the relationship…

I just want friends/boyfriends/cousins/etc. to care about me as much as I care about them.

-MEL