N.E.G.A.T.I.V.E.

I always think negatively and it’s not because I’m a negative person, it’s because I’m terrified when something positive comes into my life.

Because that positive light can disappear or be taken away from me.

I can’t count the amount of times where I got my hopes up & was disappointed immediately afterwards.

It’s scary to be excited for something.

So I think about the negative aspects of it, so I can get some small ounce of hope.

My therapist recently introduced me to the Cognitive Triangle.
Because sometimes my thoughts affect my feelings and actions. Or a feeling is so strong that affects my thoughts, then my actions.

I always get gut feelings about things. I never know whether to follow my gut or not. Because sometimes those feelings are wrong.

Like I said in a previous post, I’m scared. We have 6 days left this year and I just want everything to be okay.

I’m anticipating for something negative to happen in the next 6 days, because that’s how sh*tty this year was.

I just want to be okay.

& I really hope that I prove this negative feeling in me right now…is wrong.

So I’m going to try to be positive, not at an extreme rate but I’m going to try.

-MEL

JOURNAL JOURNEY.

One of my ways to self-cope/ease my mind from depression and anxiety is to journal.

I have two sources for journaling.

Sometimes I just write in a journal, simple as that.

Writing on this blog is another form of journaling to me. Because sometimes when I think about something, I think it is worthy enough for others to hear my thoughts/experiences. So it can hopefully help someone else in the long run.

When I journal, I typically put music on in the background. Youtube videos and movies would distract me too much.

The music ranges from: coffee jazz music to now Christmas jazz music to Disneyland background music and today was: Ben Platt’s Netflix special.

I have many many journals.

And they each serve a different purpose:

  1. Daily Journal- I like to keep memories of the day, by writing what happened throughout the day. I’m getting older and I also forget things. Sometimes I go back months/years back and like to read what happened on certain days, when memories in my mind or the lack of photos make me forget what happened.
  2. Therapy Journal- This journal is to write things that I think about before/during/after therapy. Sometimes when I want to talk about a certain subject I will write in this journal, so I can reference it during therapy. I write important concepts that I want to remember, that was discussed during therapy. Also, I write things that happened after therapy such as, after an event that was discussed during therapy.
  3. F*CK ANXIETY JOURNAL– this is my second anxiety journal. This journal is basically where I write all my anxieties that keep me awake or won’t escape my mind. It’s a place where I can put my worries/fears/anxieties, so it can leave my mind. Sometimes I write: the facts and what happened, then the WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO, the worries that go with it. Then I take myself back to reality. I write down any possible evidence that argues with the worries. And then I write down: the next steps if my worries were true and if it wasn’t true (self coping skills). Sometimes I like to read back those journal entries knowing that everything worked out in the end.
  4. Bullet Journal- Where I keep track of everything: bills, habits, self-care, cleaning, water tracker, amount of sleep, mental health symptoms, physical health symptoms and a mood tracker. If I had a migraine, I look back at the amount of sleep and water I had. Also, I check how my mental health was and if I was stressed and overwhelmed. If I had a panic attack, I look at the water and sleep trackers to understand what I can do physically to help me mentally.
  5. Currently working on a 2020 journal- This year changed me like it did to everyone in the world. As much as I want to forget this year, this year has helped me grow as a person. And so I want to integrate every up/down, struggles/achievements, heartbreak and happiness from this year. Because no matter how bad this year was, it helped me grow so much.

I started journaling today. Because I knew that I had a lot of thoughts that could lead to overthinking, which ultimately would leave to anxiety attacks.

So I wanted to write it down to get it away from my head.

I made sure to write down the facts of what happened, reminders that I shouldn’t overthink my actions and that I should love myself, my anxieties (before it creeps up on me before it sleeps) and lastly, the great parts of the day that make my heart flutter.

If your mind overwhelms you, take all the worries and fears from your mind and transfer it to a journal or blog post.

-MEL

Time x Messages.

Oh hey.

Mel here.

The start of my 2 week vacation & this is another episode of “I was sleepy, then I laid down and tried to sleep but my mind wouldn’t stop overthinking…so now I’m wide awake”.

After finding out from 2 sleep study tests (because 1 test didn’t record all the information), I don’t have sleep apnea.

So I’m just going to say that my lack of sleep is due to insomnia & my mind not shutting down and letting me relax.

On Sunday, I took a break from my phone and read. Currently I’m reading “Notes on a Nervous Planet” by Matt Haig. I got to this one chapter, where he talks about phones and uncertainty. Basically, it talks about how we check our phones about a million times a day for messages or notifications.

I do this alot. Even though, I can see my screen and it tells me right away about a text message. I will still check the icon to see if there is a red circle with a number 1 on it. Even if there isn’t a red circle, I will still click on the messages app and look at the message that I sent and check to see if it’s “DELIVERED”…you know to make sure they got the message.

And then I started thinking about how social media is and how it is common to receive messages and responses quickly.

You can have a full conversation with someone just by texting back and forth. You message.. they respond right away and vice versa. You can post something on social media and get a notification of a “like” or comment within seconds of pressing “submit”.

It has become so common, that when you don’t get a response right away…you start to question things (well for me, mostly).

In the past 5 years or so, I used to get those quick responses and conversations through text. Then when I started to have responses that took longer than a day to weeks to months, that’s when I started to feel anxious. (Then I started to not get any texts or notifications anymore)

I started to think that those late replies had to do with me…personally.

Did I say something wrong? Do they not want to be my friend anymore?

And those questions looked different when I was in a relationship or interested in pursuing a relationship with someone.

Are they not interested in me? Are they talking to someone else? Are they cheating on me? Do they not love me anymore?

It’s crazy how the rate of response makes you question your relationship with someone.

Those relationship questions might seem a little bit over the top. However, I’ve had two relationships where they cheated on me. So it was possibly true that they didn’t message me because they were too busy messaging the other girl.

And that transitions me to this current situation that I’m in.

I typically don’t like to announce (especially in a blog) that I am interested in someone, only because I don’t want to jinx it.

But this has been a f*cked up year. So if it jinxes it, then it’s just another thing to add to the list of: f*cked up things that happened in 2020.

But I really am interested in someone at the moment (aka have a crush on them).

I didn’t think he was interested in me in the beginning, because he would message me and then sometimes he would respond back after a week. So we didn’t talk that much before he asked to hang out with me in person.

As with any guy that I meet over a dating app, I always ask them to Facetime first before meeting in person.

I pretty much knew after Facetiming with him and meeting with him for the first time, I wanted to know more about him.

We don’t message each other on a daily basis. I had to push back a dinner with him twice due to some bad migraines and headaches. We Facetimed again a couple nights ago. So we haven’t seen each other for a couple of weeks.

And I really like it.

My last relationships were super quick. We basically talked and then went right into the relationship. No dating first and getting to know each other before calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. And maybe that’s why those relationships ended so badly.

I really like how slow we are taking things.

And don’t worry, I had some anxiety in the beginning when he didn’t text back right away after meeting the first time.

I told myself, “if he doesn’t text me back, then it’s probably over and he’s not interested anymore…so move on”. But then he would respond back. I had that thought a couple of times, and even if it would take a couple of days, he would still respond. And even though, I had to push back our dinner two times, he would still respond.

I texted him a couple of hours ago, and yea I still had some doubts that he wasn’t interested (because that’s how my mind is like). And I just noticed that he replied back like ten minutes ago.

I really like that we are taking our time to get to know each other.

And that we know more about each other when are video calling each other or see each other in person. It’s not through some words that I see on the phone.

Now I’m getting sleepy…

Goodnight!

-Mel