Last month was horrible. Oh wait, life has not stopped being horrible since 2019 ( and basically my whole life).
Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for everything in my life. I understand that others have it worse than me.
It just feels like the universe just keeps hitting me with hard situations, with unfair situations, with an overwhelming amount of situations at the same time.
And I’m f*cking tired of it.
Last month, I was extremely depressed to the point where I wanted to act upon my suicidal thoughts. Another guy that I was talking to and was starting to get to know just stops talking to me out of nowhere. And this guy was different because I really liked him. At the same time, I was extremely burnt out at work and I felt I needed more support than I could get. With all these overwhelming feelings going on, in my personal life and in my work life.
My choice to react to those situation, was completely see the negative side of things. And it led to a dark depression, feeling worthless and wanting to end my life.
As March was approaching, I realized how horrible I felt during February. I know that the situations that occurred were sh*tty. But I couldn’t do anything about the situations. I couldn’t control what happened. My only control is my reaction towards it. And my choices led me to feel so bad about myself.
I wanted a fresh start to March. I wanted to practice more self-care. I wanted to look at different perspectives of a situation before automatically reacting to the situation.
But March immediately hit me hard.
My aunt and uncle got COVID. It affected my uncle very badly to the point where he’s in the hospital. We had a family zoom call with all my relatives twice over the weekend. It was very hard to watch my family members cry. It was extremely hard to watch my dad cry about my uncle.
I went to work with a heavy heart this week. I couldn’t control my tears before work and during work thinking about my uncle.
But I still had to go to work.
Then it just felt like the week hit me hard every day this week and it’s only Thursday.
I’m having a hard time with my class lately. Because I have students who need extra attention for different reasons and I can’t give it to them…..because I’m by myself. So they act out. And I found out on Tuesday that a student is coming back. A student who also needs some extra attention too. And I’m already stressed out about it. But my choice to react is to let my assistant director know about my concerns.
My co-teacher left early yesterday because she was sick. So the floater teacher (aka my savior) had to be in her class yesterday. But I found out that they BOTH won’t be there today.
So my choice is: life is already sh*tty. Let’s get this sh*t over with, the best that I can. Because that’s all I can do.
Gotta go.
-MEL
hello melmel 