Uncertainty, Gloomy Weather, Lightheadedness and Just Trying to Survive the Day.

Tomorrow is the start of September.

And I honestly don’t know how August just suddenly ended. Because I feel like I didn’t fully experience this month.

It was a crazy month.

It became a month of uncertainty.

I didn’t know what each day consisted of. And there were nights where I would worry on what could possibly happen the next day.

This month began with major changes at work. My co-teacher had her last week of her two week notice. Which turned into 1.5 days because she sprained her ankle and couldn’t go into work. Then in that same week… we had 6 transitions ( aka new students in our class) start on the SAME DAY. And it wasn’t the most easy-going students. Lots of attitude and lots of “NO”. At the same time, the last few older students in our class were not being good examples to our newer friends. Chaos would be the best word to describe the atmosphere in the classroom.

There was one day, where 10 minutes before my shift, I was having a panic attack. And 5 minutes before my shift, I had to quickly calm myself down and stop my panic attack.

I was just trying to survive each day. Nothing more. Just trying to survive. All in one week, new students and my co-teacher leaving.

And the uncertainty of who would be helping me in the class. It became a game of: is this sub going to be helpful or not?

Then somehow the universe gave us a break. A student got the virus. And our classroom was closed to the students that were directly exposed.

For the past two weeks, we had a quiet classroom. The most kids we had were 7. I got to declutter and change the entire classroom to a system that makes sense. We set rules and classroom management to start fresh when everyone came back.

That was a example of a good uncertainty that occurred.

However, with all the bad uncertainty that happened. It deeply affected how my body felt. Every weekend, it felt like my body was screaming at me to take a break. I would get lightheaded, dizzy, extreme fatigue and nausea.

Then the weather kept on changing which affected my physical health even more, plus my mood.

We had many dark, gloomy and random rainy days. Which is uncommon for us during this time of year. There were some hot days sprinkled in between. But the change in weather made me feel under the weather (not Covid related). But having a dry cough only in the morning and then disappearing in the afternoon.

Then I went on a date with someone and no matter how much I prepped my mental health for that date. I immediately became anxious the moment the date ended. To the point where I didn’t sleep that night because the worries would not stop. Nothing could stop it or distract it. I don’t know what triggered it, because I felt like the date went well. Even my therapist asked, what happened?? She thought I was mentally and emotionally ready to date. And I thought so too. But I guess I wasn’t.

Today was a pretty good representation of my August.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I randomly woke up at 3. Then at 5am, the power went out & I hear my parents in the hallway arguing on how to open the garage with no power. An hour later, the power finally came back.

Then I went to work and it was full of emotions. Many kids came back from their two weeks “off”. It felt like everyone was crying and sad for the smallest thing. And it felt like every 15 minutes, someone was crying. I was not fully awake to deal with all the emotions.

Then the sub was late coming back from lunch. Then it pushed back my co-workers lunch and furthermore, my lunch. And I couldn’t go to lunch late because I had therapy during my lunch. I was NOT going to miss my therapy session. With most students napping, I got the go-ahead to leave my lunch on time leaving the sub in the class.

BUT of course, 5 minutes before my lunch. One student wakes up crying for mom and asks to go to the bathroom. Her cry is so loud, it wakes up two students. Then 1 minute before my lunch, one of those students said that she needed to change. So I had to bring her to the bathroom and change everything. Then once I was finished, she starts crying and missing mom. And the sub couldn’t help because she had to sit with one student who was having a hard nap time.

So I could just hear crying and screaming in my class as I’m leaving. But I was not going to miss therapy, I needed it.

Then being extremely sleepy and not having a lunch, I was just over it. And just trying to survive !

Then I get home (aka a millennial who can’t afford her own place and has to live with her parents), and my mom is in the worst mood. And furthermore, transfers that negative energy to my dad. And all they did was argue the rest of the night. And when they argue, they don’t even listen to what the other one is saying. Which ends up with my mom crying.

I had no sleep, a day with half my class crying. I don’t need a household filled with: anger, tension, crying and yelling.

I don’t know what September will bring.

Because that’s my life.

But I’m going to try to literally take things one day at a time, one hour at a time.

If I just need to survive the day, then that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been at rock bottom already this year. And it’s been a horrible feeling.

I’m trying to push through and get away from that direction.

I’m gonna sleep.

Bye.

-Mel

Anxiety ruins my life.

I just had a first date with this guy I’ve been talking to, for about a month.

I thought the date went well and I want to see him again.

But immediately, as soon as I said bye to him. My anxiety kicked in.

What if he didn’t like me? What if all the hype of meeting each other after many delayed dates wasn’t worth it for him? He didn’t really have too much physical interaction, wait he doesn’t like me?? Do first dates end with a kiss or hug? I don’t know. I guess he didn’t feel the same way??

What if he doesn’t text me anymore after tonight?

What if he ghosts me (like the other guys)?

What if?

What if ?

What if?

Why do you have to do this to me? Anxiety…why?

Why can’t I focus more on how handsome he is, his smile or his hug? The fact that he said, I’ll talk to you soon. Or that he responded to my text when I got home and texted him thank you for dinner.

No. Because anxiety has to f*cking ruin it.

I didn’t have too much anxiety all day prior to the date.

But anxiety was there waiting for me, as soon as I said bye to him.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my anxious mind diverting my mind towards overthinking and negative thoughts.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to feel like my life is going into a good direction. And not have suspicions that something bad is going to happen when life gets steady.

I hate you anxiety.

-Mel

I had a panic attack at my cousin’s wedding.

It’s been a couple of months since my last post.

But I thought it was important to share what happened on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

My last post talked about how I felt so out of place and felt like I didn’t belong in my family, when I was at the rehearsal dinner.

So naturally, I already had a lot of anxiety on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

I barely had sleep the night before and it added to the anxiety I already had. I could feel the anxiety of the day before the day even began.

I felt fine that morning, despite the lack of sleep. We spent the morning in the penthouse where all the women got their hair and make-up ready. I spent the majority of that time on my phone, which helped my anxiety. And after getting my make-up done and getting ready for the wedding. I thought I was going to be fine.

I did not know where to go, where to sit or stand before the ceremony. I felt so strange not having anyone to interact with….and my anxiety grew. I finally just sat where most of my relatives were and thought I would be okay.

I cried when the doors opened and I saw my beautiful cousin walk down the aisle. That moment really hit me. I felt a sudden rush of memories, from the time we were little to the present time, flashed before my eyes. I was really close to her when we were younger and like with everyone else, we got distant as we grew older.

Once the ceremony ended and the cocktail hour started. That’s when the anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know where to go. I felt my heart beating quickly and I started to feel so confused. Because I had no where to go and I had no where to escape.

I was guided to go outside to take photos with the family and the bride.

One moment that struck me was the girl cousins were all gathered and they called me in. And I thought it was for everyone & no one else came up with me. And I thought I made a mistake because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. I walked out and they were saying no I’m part of the picture.

It was a nice gesture to include me as part of a photo. But looking at the pictures now and seeing how I’m the only one that doesn’t have the same dress hurts. What hurts even more is looking at my smile in that photo. I was hurting so much, but I had to try so hard to fake that smile.

Once we were done, we took our seats for dinner. I was in the back and close to the bathrooms. I sat with my cousins, my cousins kids and my brother. So again, I thought I was fine.

But throughout dinner, everyone at my table would leave for various reasons. To help with the DJ, to take photo booth photos, to get a drink, to go outside and the two little girls were just running around. I would look around and see all the girl cousins at the photo booth together & that they all sat next to each other too. A majority of that dinner, I sat by myself in the corner. And that set my anxiety into high gear.

I didn’t know where to go. I could feel a panic attack coming. And I didn’t know what to do. I figured that it was best to go to the bathroom. And as soon as I closed that stall door, I started crying, hyperventilating and having a panic attack.

If I could, I would have stayed in that bathroom all night. It was the only place that felt safe.

I kept on going back and forth from my table to the bathroom to cry or continue my panic attack. Or the seats outside the bathroom, which didn’t feel too safe because everyone was coming in and out of there.

Towards the end of the night before the dancing began, I become overstimulated as well as having a panic attack. If I was at the table, I would cover my ears and close my eyes. If not, I was in the bathroom crying or sitting in the seats outside the bathroom covering my ears.

I couldn’t leave the venue on my own or even to step outside. We were in the heart of downtown and on a Friday night, it probably wasn’t safe for me to go outside on my own.

My mom could sense that I was very uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel (which was 2 blocks down). I said yes, hoping my dad would come too. But he stayed. My anxiety increased as my mom and I, walked two blocks in downtown. I was trying to speed walk/run to the hotel but couldn’t leave my mom behind.

Once we got to the hotel and got safely back to our hotel room, I felt like I was able to breathe again. Along with some donuts we had in our room, I felt a lot better.

I felt so uncomfortable in a wedding where half the guests were my family.

I prepared myself for weeks in therapy for that day.

But no matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to help my anxiety or help with my panic attack.

Ever since that day, I always think about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaids or maid of honors, and it breaks my heart. All my friendships and relationships with cousins diminished. And if they aren’t there for me for my tough mental days (or at least talk to me), then why would I have them as part of my “special” day??

I had to completely take myself out of my comfort zone for that wedding. If it wasn’t family, I wouldn’t have gone to that wedding.

I always have to sacrifice my mental health, my comfort level for my family. Going to family events when I feel uncomfortable.

I wish they would go out of their comfort zones for me. Ask me how I’m truly feeling, asking about mental health. If I have a panic attack, just being present. Or just including me in things as their family because they WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.

-Mel

I don’t feel like I belong in my family

I can’t sleep because all the anxiety I had being with relatives today.

I was at a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my cousin’s wedding.

I’m not part of the wedding. But since my parents are part of it, then I got to go. Same with the dinner.

I walked into the venue. Dressed in what I wore to work (a nice skirt and flats). I didn’t have time to change. And everyone was dressed up as if it were the wedding day. All the girls coincidentally wore spaghetti strap maxi dresses and heels. I immediately felt out of place.

Everyone was off in little groups here and there. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

A couple minutes in and I already felt like an outsider with my own family. But that wasn’t the first time.

I was preparing for the anxiety that I will have over this long family weekend. I had many therapy sessions about this. But the feeling of loneliness wasn’t anything that I prepared for.

Naturally my anxiety got worse over dinner. I was already exhausted from my morning with my students. I was feeling out of place at the rehearsals. And now I had to sit there for hours. And all I could do was be glued to my phone.

I hear all the girl cousins and the rest of the bridesmaid’s OOOHs and AWWS as they opened their bridesmaid gifts. I heard lots of loud conversations and laughter.

I immediately became overstimulated and overwhelmed from the environment.

At a point, I felt like the world was spinning around me. It was too much for me. I had to turn my body to the side, and put one hand up to my ear to lessen the volume. I had to whisper and repeat “ I am safe. I am safe. I am okay. It will be over soon.”

I have been dealing with being an outsider in my family for years. Just because I shared my mental health struggles over social media. And when my anxiety got too bad at family parties, I took time to take care of it.

I suddenly thought about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaid or maid of honor at my wedding. I’m crying as I type that.

I won’t have a wedding like how this wedding is. Not have bridesmaids or maid of honors. Not having people for a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Just because I don’t have anyone close to me.

Because they all pushed me away, just because I have depression and anxiety.

I push myself out of my comfort zone to be there for them. To be at places that I am not comfortable with. For them.

But they can’t go out of their comfort zone to have a conversation with me about my mental health. Or at least, be there for my physically. Or at least say “How are you doing?” And mean it.

I have 3 more days of family events.

What do I do ?

-Mel

My Mental Health is Getting Worse.

Hello there.

It’s been awhile. I actually don’t remember when I last wrote a post.

I’m at that point in the year, when I don’t know which year is worse ……2020 or 2021?

I just keep on getting HIT with so many unexpected circumstances.

And I just need a break.

You think one week will be “normal”, then you get unexpected news.

I think I always start my weekly therapy sessions with: “So something happened…” and it turns out to be completely different from what we’ve talked about the week before.

SO…

I’m Catholic and it’s been difficult to feel comfortable enough to go back to Church since COVID happened. It’s a hard transition from watching mass at home, to going to mass.

I’m trying to transition it back to my weekend routine.

I went to Mass yesterday and I didn’t know that it was going to be a pretty special mass.

It was a mass, specifically for mental health.

I wanted to cry, as they prayed for those who suffer from depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses.

They’re praying for me. They’re praying who others who also suffer from mental illness.

They also prayed for the family of those with mental illnesses to give them patience.

I’ve rarely heard mental illness being talked about in church.

We typically pray for those who physically sick.

But to have an entire service devoted to mental health, made me feel like I was supposed to be at that mass.

I needed that.

Because days before, I was just about to give up on life.

Honestly, it’s been really tough and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I had an incident that happened at work, that broke my heart. Because I have worked so hard (being a teacher) and to have someone do something like that…. is like a slap in the face.

But I know what’s going to happen on Tuesday during my therapy session,

“SO SOMETHING NEW HAPPENED….”

-MEL

I’m Trying My Best.

I am not sure which year was worse 2020 or 2021 (and we’re only in March).

I’m not shocked at the things that have happened to me, but I am disappointed.

Every time I try to be positive and just deal with the things that have come my way.

Life hits me with another obstacle.

This week was hard. My uncle passed away from COVID. My heart hurts for my family. My heart hurts for my aunt, my cousins and my cousin’s kids.

Work already has been difficult and I’ve already felt so burnt out.

And going to work already burnt out WITH MY heart hurting for my family was soo difficult.

But I had no choice but go to work.

I had so many obstacles come my way in the past year & I just have to deal with it.

And it’s so hard.

I’m tired of dealing with difficult moments that have happened in the past year and are continuing to happen.

Moments that have knocked me down physically, mentally and emotionally. I’ve had so many journal posts that begin with “This has been a rough week….”

And I’m so tired of hard weeks. And I have to deal with it because there’s nothing I can do.

I have to constantly pretend that I’m ok, I have to “stick it out” and just go on with life with all the sh*t that has come my way.

I’m so tired.

I’m trying my best & I am constantly getting hit with these obstacles. Sometimes it comes when I’m not recovered yet from the previous obstacles.

I’m trying my best to be positive.

I’m trying my best to work when I feel like sh*t.

I’m trying my best.

I’m trying.

-MEL

ONE YEAR: Since everything changed.

March 13, 2020. I remember that day so distinctly.

Prior to that day, I had seen what COVID did to everyone else in the world with: temperature checks, panic buying, lockdowns and quarantines.

And that day…. was the day, when it came to my part of the world.

We had a teacher development day on that particular Friday. The virus was in the back of everyone’s minds as we were doing ice-breakers, having meetings and working in our classrooms.

You could tell in everyone’s faces that they were worried.

During lunch, we found out that all the school districts in our area were going to be closed. I vividly remember that lunch, that quiet lunch. Everyone was on their phones, and we all gave each other looks when we saw the news.

But, we still didn’t know what was going to happen to us. We aren’t part of a school district and we weren’t sure if we were part of that closure. The school didn’t know too.

I remember leaving work and calling my mom, asking her what she wanted for dinner since I was off early. She said to pick up something fast and easy to cook from the grocery store.

Little did I know that a trip to get one thing at the grocery store, would lead to me realize that this pandemic is f*cking real.

That was my first experience with seeing panic buying. I saw first-hand the empty shelves and refrigerators and I started to panic. Prior to that shopping trip, I had only seen panic buying on social media. I don’t remember what I got, I think I just got one of the few items that was left. Funny enough, while walking around the store just to find ANYTHING, I hear on the speakers “it’s the end of the world as we know it”. R.E.M.’s song “It’s the end of the world” was playing and it felt like something out of the movies. As I was seeing the empty shelves and as that song was playing, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack in the middle of the store.

That’s when I knew that things were going to change and this virus was something much more bigger, than I thought it was going to be.

That day was the beginning of everything that changed.

Our lives changed after that day.

And it’s crazy to know that a year later, we are still in that pandemic. It’s not as intense as last year, but COVID is still around.

And unfortunately, a year later…COVID is affecting my aunt and uncle. And my uncle is in the hospital because of COVID.

I say it so many times.

It’s been a rough year. And it sucks that it continues to be rough.

Additionally, I have been teaching in a pandemic for a year.

On top of that….I’ve been teaching BY MYSELF IN A PANDEMIC FOR A YEAR.

On Thursday March 12, 2020: I had a full class of 24 students.

Then on the following Monday, March 16, 2020: I had 4 students. I had 20 LESS students.

Additionally, little did I know that my co-teacher (at that time) would work for a week and ditch me. He didn’t come to work and 3 months later, he finally put in his 2 weeks.

During that time, I was talking to a guy on a dating app. And little did I know that we would be talking for months, meet up for a couple of times. And then I first began to understand what the term “GHOSTING” means, because he was the first one to ghost me. And that wouldn’t be the only time in the time of being in a pandemic. Because it would appear that dating in a pandemic just means guys want a “casual” relationship, but then you ghost you weeks later.

ONE YEAR LATER:

I went to a couple of stores today, wearing a mask and consistently putting on hand sanitizer. I was keeping my distance and stepping on the signs to keep a distance from others. The shelves were shocked and no one was panic buying. I was standing in a line to get inside one store. AND IT WASN’T WEIRD…it was normal.

We actually had a Staff Development Day yesterday. Some of the teachers including myself, had a CPR/First Aid class. No worries, just taking a regular class at a distance from others and wearing masks.

I have a new co-teacher. However, we aren’t co-teaching together. We have a split classroom with our own classes.

After my most recent “ghosting” situation that put me in a deep depression (because I really liked him). I am taking a long break from dating apps, which I probably explained in a recent post. And I think it’s best to not go on them for the rest of the year because it just completely diminished my self-esteem.

Life has changed so much within a year.

I don’t know if it changed for the better or the worst.
But it definitely impacted my life (and everyone else’s).

One year of living in a pandemic.

CRAZY.

-MEL

I’m Fooling Myself.

I lied.

I wrote a post this morning and basically deceived myself thinking that I’m okay. And going through all these obstacles is okay. And it’s not.

Today was hard. And it was supposed to be an easy day. I got stuck in traffic, which we haven’t had traffic in the mornings for about a year due to the pandemic. When I saw the traffic, I immediately “OF COURSE this would happen” (sarcastically and angry at the same time). I just barely made it to grab some coffee and get to work on time.

My co-teacher next door was out sick , same with my reliable floater teacher. So I had to help with the sub and an assistant teacher from a different classroom (that doesn’t spend too much time in our classes). I was worried about how her students would react, but they were fine. And it was my class that had a difficult time. Literally, nothing changed in our classroom and they acted like our routines didn’t exist and that it was okay to not listen to me. I was frustrated.

I’m already having a hard week with family contracting COVID and in the hospital. And worrying about them and the rest of my relatives.

Then my f*cking therapy session got cut short due to connection issues.
Work has been more frustrating than ever.

I’ll probably write a blog post about it on Saturday (when it’s exactly a year that my life changed due to COVID).

But I’ve been teaching during a pandemic…by myself….for a year.

It doesn’t get any easier.

And I really understand why so many teachers have quit, especially in the past year.

It’s soo hard.

It’s not fair. I know that every teacher has different experiences teaching during this time.

But thinking about my experience in the past year, it was not fair. And it’s not okay. And it’s not okay that I stayed and continue to stay.

I’m not okay.

What I’ve been through is not okay.

What I’m going through is not okay.

& I need to stop thinking that things will get better someday. It sounds harsh, but it has NOT gotten better. And I’m just fooling myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I’m just going through the same f*cking cycle over and over again.

There’s no light.

What’s terrifies me is that I see all these posts about people getting engaged, married or having a baby.

And I don’t see that for myself.

I don’t think I’ll ever get married.

Or start a family.

And that’s all I wanted since I was about 5 years old.

I don’t understand why I get put in these stressful situations.
I don’t understand why people just leave me with no explanation.

I don’t understand why these things happen to me.

I don’t understand.

I want to feel better.

But I need to stop fooling myself that I’m okay and things will get better.

Because the more I fool myself, then the more that I’ll feel worse and things won’t get better.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

-MEL

Trying NOT to feel Guilty for Taking Care of Myself.

I called in Sick for tomorrow.

I have been burnt out for the past couple of weeks.

My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted.

I’ve been wanting to take a day off, but I felt like I was just making excuses to not take a day off.

But the longer I waited, the more it began affecting my mental and physical health.

Last week, I was very irritable. I felt like I was angry at my students more than being patient and comforting to them. Because I was soo burnt out and exhausted. I felt so guilty at the end of the night for how I talked to them.

I started having a headache yesterday. I could feel an aura coming, and I knew that I was going to get a migraine soon. I wanted to take today off, but I was so conflicted on whether or not it was the best choice. I kept on thinking about my students and how it would affect them. Then it was too late to call in. I went to work today and my head kept on throbbing. At some moments, I was irritable. Then I was very out of it. It felt like I was in a dream-like state, like everything didn’t seem real. Then, as I was driving home. I was at a stoplight and it turned green. For some reason, I just stared at it and didn’t react quickly that it was the signal to drive. And the loud honk from the car behind me, reminded me that I’m not living in a dream-like condition. Then as the sun was setting, I also realized…I didn’t put my headlights on and it was getting dark.

That’s when I knew that my mind needed a break.

My headache started getting worse at the end of the work day. And then when I got home, the nausea started. I took my prescription for migraines. And it didn’t really help. I used my essential oils, that didn’t help. Then it felt like everything else in my body just gave up. I got anxious about a relative getting COVID (I haven’t had any contact with them, everyone is worried about him, so my anxiety went up)…then I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. Once I realized it, then even more I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then all of a sudden, my sinuses hurt and of course it hurt more, when I started thinking about it. The anxiety made me have physical symptoms. Then thinking about my physical symptoms made me feel worse. Oh and my head still hurts and I still feel nauseous.

That’s when I knew that my body needs a break.

As I came to the decision of letting my director know that I would be out tomorrow.

I got really anxious. For some reason, I thought of the worst possible responses for taking a day off. Which I never really take a day off.

And then, I started feeling guilty for taking a day off. How it would affect my co-teachers, my students and everyone else.

My body is literally telling me that it needs a break and I feel guilty.

I texted Crisis Text Line. And the first thing the counselor told me is that I shouldn’t feel any shame for taking a day off to stay on track. My mental and physical health should be a priority.

And she’s right.

My therapist talked to me about this, a couple of weeks ago. She knew that I was depressed and burnt out. And she said that if I’m not feeling good (mentally and physically), then I should take a day off. I knew I need a day off, but I never did. Now I’m suffering the consequences from it.

I know that going to work tomorrow will either: make my head feel worse or make me more stressed that I’ll be more frustrated and angry at work.

I’M DOING WHAT’S BEST FOR ME, MY MENTAL HEALTH & MY PHYSICAL HEALTH. I SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR THAT.

-MEL

I’m Sorry Mel.

I apologized to myself today.

I had a really rough week at work. I’ve had rough weeks before, but this one tops them all.

(Let’s put it this way: I’m about to lose my voice and I have two pimples. And I haven’t had pimples in years).

Today, I just woke up and had a epiphany.

I apologized to myself, because I shouldn’t have known better, than to let some guys let me feel like sh*t.

After another dating app fail, I decided that I need to delete those apps. And not go on for months…. probably for the rest of the year.

I got so used to talking to someone, almost on a daily basis this past year, that I got addicted to it.

I have been on and off dating apps for years. But I haven’t been so hooked on it before. Typically when I would see conversations fading and I can see that I have no need for the app, I would just delete it and go on with my life.

But I guess last year, when everything changed in the world….so did my experience with dating apps.

I’ve noticed that many guys were looking for a “casual” relationship. It felt like 70% of them did. It’s probably due to quarantine and not seeing others. But it felt like no one was really looking for a real relationship.

One of the guys that I met (online & in person), we began talking right when COVID hit San Diego. And our lives were forever changed. We talked pretty much daily and it took about 3 months, till we video called and actually met each other. But once I started to have feelings for him, then that was the end of us.

I talked to someone daily for 3 months. And it felt so nice.

I don’t have any friends nor don’t have anyone to really talk to. So when that ended, I really wanted someone to talk to. Because I got so used to it.

Then I talked to another guy daily soon after. Then his ex just randomly showed up and that was the end of us.

After that, I decided that maybe it’s best to take a break from dating apps. I even told my therapist that. Little did I know that it became worse after that.

The loneliness began to hit me. And I was just craving to talk to someone…anyone. I even tried the BFF version on a dating app to meet friends. But it seemed like, no one really went on that app.

So then I began talking to this last guy (the one I’ve been so depressed about)…

And I thought it was great, that he doesn’t text often because I should be used to it (uhh I’m stupid).

Then I got hurt….and depressed. And had suicidal thoughts. Because it started affecting everything else in my life.

And then this past week, I was talking to a guy. We Facetimed last night, it wasn’t so great.

And I woke up today thinking… “WHAT AM I DOING”

I realized how it’s the end of February and I spent a majority of this year (2 months) getting depressed over a guy. I was extremely hurt by him and I don’t know why? My therapist brought this up in a recent session. She asked how I felt when I had a break up with a boyfriend. I told her that I would get really depressed. And then she asked how long those relationships were. And I said, “the first boyfriend was 1 year and the second boyfriend was 8 months”. And then she asked me why I felt as depressed with this guy, when we were just “hanging out” for less than 3 months.

I told her…. ” I have no clue”. And I still don’t know.

And looking back at how depressed I was this past month, how worthless I felt and all the crying that I did. I was so hurt.

And I let myself get hurt.

I LET MYSELF ONLY SEE THE BAD PERSPECTIVES OF THE SITUATION. AND I LET IT AFFECT ME.

My therapist brought up another thing…..

I want some companionship. I needed it.

I haven’t had a friend in a long time. And no matter how much I’m preparing myself to get used to being so lonely. I need a friend. And she also brought up how much people need human interaction for their mental health and well being. And I’m not getting it.

Earlier this month, I blamed myself for that guy not texting me back. I started looking at my actions and pointing out things that I did “wrong”. I blamed myself for losing the friendships that I had.

It makes me so sad thinking about it. I BLAMED MYSELF. When I didn’t do anything wrong, I just did what was best for myself.

I blamed myself for friends not communicating with me and not supporting me. But a friendship is supposed to be about communication and support. It’s not my fault. I pretend as much as I can that I’m okay for the sake of others. But it gets to a point when I’m tired of pretending and want my true emotions to show. But then it can be interpreted as being rude or being shy. Or whatever.

It’s not my fault. But I let my mind think it’s my fault.

That f*cking guy barely communicated with me. I always had to ask him to Facetime and hang out. He didn’t have the decency to just be honest and say that it wasn’t working out. He just didn’t do anything and I let my mind create all these negative thoughts.

I need to focus on myself again.

My mental health is deteriorating and it’s affecting my emotions and my body.

So I’m going to have March as a self-care month.

No dating apps. Doing the best that I can at work, even though it’s been so stressful. Doing more art. Trying my best to not stay at home as much during the weekends. Because being at home more often, means my mind just plays tricks on me.

I told myself as I was driving home today…

“I’m sorry Mel. I’m sorry that you had to go through all these intense emotions these past couple of months. WHEN YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO. I’m sorry that you felt so depressed and had suicidal thoughts after some a**hole ghosted you. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE IT. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that”.

I made some mistakes and let my mind go to the negative route of circumstances. And it greatly affected me.

We can’t go through this again.
We won’t go through this again.

-MEL