& Not Enough.

There was a post I saw on Instagram (teachersfollowteachers).

And it said:

“I’M DOING TOO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH”

And I have never related so much to a…. quote.

That’s how I feel about teaching and that’s how I feel about my life.

I have always felt that I wasn’t enough and that I’m not doing enough.

I’ve felt like I’m not good enough. To anyone in my life.

This is exactly how I feel about teaching. I’ve been a teacher for 5 years now.

It bugs me when someone says “You’re a teacher? How fun!”.

It’s not fun…

It’s hard.

I have to make sure (especially with the Pre K age) that I’m supporting their development. Preparing them for Kindergarten. Supporting their emotional, mental and physical health. Lately, I feel like I’ve been putting out fires within my class. I also have to observe them for any symptoms. I have 2 students with Autism and I have to support them in completely different ways. I have to communicate with parents. I have to observe them, and somehow create a “curriculum” for them. I have to document those learning opportunities (through daily instagram posts & writing documentation and presenting them in my classroom). Oh and thanks to COVID, I have to disinfect and clean….not one but two classrooms (my co-teacher’s classroom).

OH AND I HAVE TO DO THAT FOR 10-12 KIDS ON MY OWN. (because COVID…a partition was put in my classroom. My co-teacher and myself have our own “mini” class. So that less than 12 kids interact with each other).

I’M DOING THAT ON MY OWN.

I’M DOING TOO MUCH

&

IT’S NEVER ENOUGH.

-MEL

I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE.

(This will probably be a no-edit blog post because I’m tired).

Last week was rough.

During therapy, I was non-stop crying throughout the whole 50 minutes.

I’ve hit rock bottom before and have been in a dark depression. But these past weeks (last week especially), I fell into such a dark place that I haven’t felt before in my 15+ years of having depression.

My therapist created a safety plan for me because the things that I were saying such as “wanting to take a break from myself” fit under the category of suicidal thoughts.

After that session, I realized that I kept on having thoughts that included not having a future.

I am at that point in my life that I feel that I’m not going to get married or begin a family.

And it scares me.

I see so many photos/videos of engagements or weddings throughout instagram or other forms of social media.

And I just get this strange feeling that I won’t ever experience that.

Just from experiences with talking to guys and past exes. I just have the worst experiences in dating and relationships. And yes, I did blame myself for it.

It seems like all guys want these days is a “casual” relationship or “hanging out”.

Sometimes they state it from the beginning, sometimes they tell me after the second time of meeting. I always go through with it, because I’m nervous of starting a serious relationship. So why not? But once I talk to them more and get to know them, then I start to have feelings for them. And then I’m terrified. But I have to be honest and I will let them know.

And every time, I get my feelings hurt. And I get ghosted.

I told my therapist last week how stupid I felt, because I saw the “red flags” but I still continued to talk to him. And she told me, I shouldn’t blame myself because my feelings for him were very genuine. My therapist was there when I was soo unbelievably happy to have plans with him the following weekend. And she was there the week after, completely devastated when he stopped communicating with me.

I was happy one week, devastated the next. And week by week, I began crying more throughout the session. Then last week, I can only describe it as the darkest depression.

I’m tired.

Soo tired.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Goodnight.

-MEL

I WANT A BREAK FROM MYSELF.

I think I posted awhile back about writing letters to people in my life, without actually sending it to them. It was a way to let out my feelings for someone and an outlet to express what I would like to tell someone.

There are many reasons why I don’t send it. And basically, I would think “nothing will change if I share this letter to them”.

I was accepting the fact that the guy that I was talking to….stopped talking to me. I accepted reality, and I was numb for awhile. My therapist last week told me to write a “letter” to him and see if anything else comes up when I write it. For the longest time, I didn’t want to write it. I felt “fine”/numb and I’ve cried so much in the past couple of weeks. I didn’t want to open up that box again and let those feelings out. I just wanted to pretend I was okay for as long as I could.

During those times, I just wanted to add another factor to distract my mind from that guy. So I just downloaded dating apps again, JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE. This is what happens when you don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to.

Tonight, I was just scrolling along. And yup….there was the guy that I was talking to.

(Little or more like BIG back story: We had been talking since November. Met on a dating app. I didn’t think he was too interested in me since he barely responded. But he asked me to hang out and we did. We talked on and off afterwards. We would Facetime once a week. Then on my winter break, we met up again. I had no idea how he felt about me and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about him as well. But then we kissed, and it felt right. Like it felt like there were “sparks”. We tried to meet up a couple of times afterwards, but after a couple COVID scares, we couldn’t see each other. We Face timed and HE was the one that said that we should see each other over the 3 day weekend. But he didn’t text me, he never communicated with me at all during that weekend. I had a rough work week prior to the long weekend and depression came back into my life. I texted him the following Wednesday because I wanted to give the last word. I said that I wish he would just let me know if he couldn’t hang out. (Common courtesy to contact someone when you made plans with them). If it was at all, my fault that I apologize. Wished him well. He replied that he apologized and that he was going through some personal things. Also, that we should talk sometime and go over things. Well it’s been almost 2 weeks later and we haven’t talked. And now I see him on Tinder…..).

So I wrote a letter to him that I won’t send.

As I was writing the letter, I suddenly became overwhelmed.

And I said “CAN I JUST TAKE A BREAK FROM ME? PLEASE!”

I want a break from my life, from my house, my job…..my mind and my thoughts.

I just need to get away. Not anywhere in particular. Just away from myself.

I have been recording myself lately while I cry, have a panic attack, get depressed.

Because I just want to see something that others don’t see.

I know it’s me….but it’s so heartbreaking.

Sometimes I do a time lapse and I can see when my heart completely breaks as I’m writing.

For GOODNESS SAKES,

JUST BE KIND TO ANYONE YOU MEET. BE RESPECTFUL.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ANYONE IS GOING THROUGH.
YOU THINK THAT YOU NOT CONTACTING SOMEONE ISN’T A BIG DEAL, BUT WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THAT PERSON’S LIFE DOESN’T CONTACT THEM AS WELL.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL.

I don’t know what to do anymore…

Thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow.

-MEL

The little Things Can Leave a HUGE Effect

It’s amazing how one small thing can escalate into multiple things, like a snowball effect.

It started off with a conversation from a student’s parent. I won’t share details but it had to deal with a “bully” problem, which wasn’t a bully problem. It was taken out of context. But any parent “concern” all comes down to me, because it’s my classroom and my students.

I’m already in a horrible condition. I’m currently in a deep depression. So any small comment, already pushes me to the point of “it’s my fault”.

I left work, drove home with a “Pop Punk” playlist, with songs during my “EMO”/Teen phase.

I thought it would make me feel nostalgic in a good way.

But I’m going through many things at the moment (along with depression), that the playlist added to the low condition that I was in.

My mind went from:

  • Developmental stages & Bullying in Child Development
  • To “I’m NOT OKAY”
  • To thinking about the different friendships & relationships that have disappeared throughout my 31 years of life
  • To “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
  • To “ISN’T IT WEIRD HOW ONE ACTION VERBAL & NON-VERBAL CAN HAVE A HUGE EFFECT ON MY LIFE”. (During therapy yesterday, I talked about the guy that I was talking to. And how upset I was that he didn’t communicate with me about plans that he made. He wanted to hang out with me, but didn’t text me. Without thinking about it, I was so emotional and started talking about how a friend from middle school was mad at me for texting her too much about plans. She asked me to hang out, she didn’t text & got mad at me for asking her about it. That one friend’s aggressive words towards me affected me in a different situation 17 years later).
  • TO “I CAN’T BE A TEACHER ANYMORE” (I’ve been soo irritable lately from anxiety and I’m afraid that my actions or words will negatively affect one of my students later in life)
  • TO ” I VALUE & CARE ABOUT EVERYONE THAT HAS CROSSED MY PATH BUT I DON’T RECEIVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF VALUE & CARE BACK”
  • TO “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” (again).

I arrived to my exit 20(ish) minutes later, I had to wipe my tears away coming home. I cried so much that I noticed my pants and my seat were wet from my tears.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE KIND TO EVERYONE YOU MEET.

BE KIND & SHOW PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT THEY ARE LOVED & APPRECIATED.

You never know if something you did to someone has positively or negatively affected someone.

A friend from middle school was upset with me for plans that she made & it gave me the same feeling of abandonment 17 years later when a guy that I was talking to, didn’t communicate with me about plans that he made.

That one small thing affected me in my adult life.

PLEASE BE KIND

-MEL

Taking A Day Off…From my Mental Health

Welp…

Last week was overwhelming.

I was:

  • Irritable
  • Depressed
  • Overwhelmed
  • Suicidal
  • Anxious
  • Frustrated
  • GAVE UP.

I was supposed to have plans over the long weekend last weekend with someone, but they didn’t reply to my messages.

And I was left wondering “WHAT HAPPENED?” as expressed in my last post.

That’s when I decided I needed a break from my MENTAL HEALTH.

I’m still anxious, depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, irritable. But I’m choosing to distract myself just enough to not endure those feelings.

It’s not healthy. BUT I NEED A BREAK.

I cried so much within the past week, more than I had in the past 4 months.

I cried so much that I felt so NUMB to emotions after that. I was upset, but I couldn’t express it. I was frustrated, but my mind/facial expressions went blank.

Yesterday was the perfect weather to have a day off from my mental health. It was gray, cloudy, cold and raining. To be honest, my favorite type of weather because I like to feel cozy with blankets and listen to the rain. I took my time cleaning and doing laundry. I painted and drew while watching some movies that I loved. I took a break from my phone, turning it off and putting it in a different room.

I know that I would be upset, looking at my phone and not seeing any texts.

So I had to take myself back to reality and basically slap myself (figuratively).

You want that person to text you back. You overthink and analyze all the things you’ve said. You think of all the worst possible situations. You think of the thought…..that person is never texting you back.

& YOU THINK HOW CAN I RECOVER and MOVE ON WHEN ALL THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t even predict what can happen. Because anything can happen.

Sure. I do get disappointed when I don’t get a notification of a text message. (I literally checked my phone and I told myself, “yup no text message”).

But I need to give myself a plan, before I start making decisions irrationally.

I texted multiple times last week, just out of sheer frustration last week.

I need to get a plan going.

If they don’t text/respond within a week’s time from the past text, let’s delete the texts and move on.

I’m tired of wondering.

I’m tired of hoping.

I’m tired of hoping things will get better. From what happened last year and now the beginning of this year, we have no f*cking clue what will happen.

I just need to start doing things for myself, for my mental health and begin moving on.

-MEL

BE KIND TO EVERYONE.

*TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE*

I’m tired of getting no closure.

I can’t count the amount of times that I got left (aka ghosted) with no explanation. It just happened to me yet again with a guy that I was talking to. But this time, without any warning. He asked me to hang out over the weekend and then he ghosted me.

I’m left with so many questions & I never get the answers.

It’s not just with guys that I’ve talked to, it has happened with friends and my cousins.

They just don’t respond back & it’s been months up to years now.

I DO BLAME MYSELF.

These individuals are from different phases, stages, areas, years of my life.

And they all do the same thing. So it’s most likely, that it has to do with me.

It’s me & it’s my fault.

Honestly, I’ve been suicidal lately. (I’m safe, I’m not going to do it. I just want the pain to end).

I had suicidal thoughts, especially going into a dark depression on Saturday.

I have so much more to say, but my mind and body is so numb that I can’t find the right words.

I just wanted to say: CHECK UP ON EVERYONE. If you are close to them or not close. Say one nice thing to everyone you come across. Because you never know what they are going through.

Additionally, if you know someone that needs help. Please check up on them.

It’s so hard going through this alone.

That all the friends, guys and cousins who were part of my life…..left me (when they knew my struggles with depression and anxiety( and now I have no support and no one to go to. Which makes my struggles with mental health 1 million times harder.

“BE KIND FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE”

-MEL

F*CK. Depression is hard.

As I have probably mentioned I have experienced more anxiety symptoms in the past 5 years than depression.

And depression is hard.

I was going to write about other topics today on this blog.

But I’m f*cking depressed.

I kinda felt OFF this week. I was irritable. I was hungry, but had no appetite. I had the opposite of my sleeping problem, where I would just sleep early almost every night. I would sleep 8-9 hours these past couple of weeks.

Last night, I just felt so strange. I had a difficult week at work and I was anxiously waiting for a response back from the guy that I’m currently talking to. This strange feeling was so familiar. But now I know that it was the beginning of depression.

I haven’t felt the “rock bottom” component of depression in many years. And I feel like I blocked that feeling from myself. So much that depression and deep depression feels like it’s something new.

I started doing my daily journals last night while listening to my “mental health” playlist. I desperately wanted to cry in hopes to make me feel better. And then the song ” After the Storm” from Mumford & Songs began playing. There is this one lyric that I always have in the back of my mind when I need it. And that lyric immediately made me cry, But there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”.

This cry was different. It wasn’t an anxiety cry, it was depression.

I was able to fall asleep and sleep through the night ( *knock on wood). But when I woke up, I had no urgency to get up as I usually do. I felt like I didn’t have any ounce of energy. However, it wasn’t the same exhaustion as I usually get from work. It was an emotional exhaustion.

I was able to get some cleaning done and do my laundry. I took a shower, because I had planned to go to a store just to get out of the house. But after lunch, I just sat in my chair in my room with a constant worry and looked at my phone for any text from him. I knew that getting out of the house would make me feel better, but I couldn’t.

Then I laid on my bed and fell asleep. I had 8 hours of sleep last night, I had caffeine in the morning and I wasn’t ill. So it was very strange that I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon that didn’t have to do with a lack of sleep or being sick.

Again, it was depression.

After a couple of hours of feeling suicidal, feeling worthless, feeling like I will never feel loved.

I finally got the energy to eat something and journal my feelings.

As soon as I started to write down my feelings about the guy. I began to pray and talk to God, which I have done pretty often when I was in a dark depression. I just kept on asking him…WHY? Why bring so many guys in my life that have no interest in me, but talk to me, as if they do like me. Why are they just teasing me and playing with me, then just to hurt me. I’m 31 years old, I’m tired of this!

I had been crying on and off today. Sometimes with or without a warning. And there were many moments where I was in the living room and just started crying. Then I hear a family member walk towards my direction and I quickly have to wipe my tears.

(It’s 7:16 PM and I’m soo sleepy at the moment.)

What I wanted for this new year was….to be OKAY.

I didn’t want to be happy, I didn’t want to have the best year ever.

I just wanted to be OKAY.

We’re 16 days into the new year and I’m already struggling.

F*CK DEPRESSION.

-MEL

2 0 2 0

This year:

Wow.

It’s finally the last day of it.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been creating a book about my experiences in 2020: the ups, the downs, the heartbreaks, the movies and songs that helped create a small sense of joy, the struggles and the achievements.

I had a panic attack yesterday.

I’m not entirely sure what triggered it. It could be from having a couple family members over, it could have been the lack of sleep that I had the night before + no coffee. But as family members were over for lunch, I suddenly could feel a panic attack coming and my only thought was to leave.

I didn’t tell anyone where I was going. I just said that I’ll be right back.

I originally wanted to just get Starbucks and come back. But without really thinking about it, I drove to my old neighborhood. For some reason, the trails and the parks in that neighborhood give me some peace and I go there sometimes when I have a panic attack.

On the way there, I was crying. When I cry during a panic attack, it’s a particular feeling and the only word that I can associate with that feeling is “heartbreaking”.

As soon as I parked, I took a long walk. It was very peaceful. I could only hear the birds in the tree, the fews cars driving by and the leaves moving by the wind. My panic attack ended when I felt the cold crisp air as I was walking. Even though I was wearing a mask, I felt like I took a deep breath of fresh air.

One of the thoughts that I said out loud during my panic attack was “I don’t want to experience it again”. I was referring to 2020.

Even though I was able to conquer all the challenges and struggles that I faced, I don’t ever want to go through something like that again.

It was a hard year.

I know it’s been a hard year for everyone in the world. Everyone faced their own challenges and struggles. And I really hope that we don’t experience that, ever again. I’m sorry that you had a hard year.

We are stronger together.

Being an essential worker is hard.

My experience at work has been a series of unfortunate events. From choosing between my health/safety vs. getting paid and working was one of the hardest decisions of my life. The stress from making that decision and getting influenced to one side heavily affected my physical health. One day at work, I got extremely nauseous, had blurry eyesight and I could barely stand up. I started my journey as a solo teacher: running the classroom, handling challenging behaviors and deep cleaning daily. It took a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. When I finally got some help in the morning, I received the news that my co-teacher quit (uhh 3.5 months later). And the floater who has helped me, applied and accepted the job as my new co-teacher. BUT. we came back from a week off and they put a partition in our class. And SURPRISE, we each had our own mini classroom (they didn’t even let us know about it). Then we had months of trying to get used to the new setup and schedule. And then I had a couple of months handling challenging behaviors from one student, where I got hit, kicked and scratched. Things settled down for a little. But, when we go back on Monday….is a different story.

I tried dating again this year (aka dating apps). I had 3 main experiences from it. The first one was during the beginning of the pandemic when things were hard. I really enjoyed talking to him and he was the first person I ever met from a dating app. But I shared my feelings for him, that is when things changed and also when it ended. I didn’t think I would I be interested in the second one. But I really enjoyed getting to know him. And as soon as I got to know him more, his ex called out of nowhere and with lots of thought into it, he went back to her. The third one is current and I feel so comfortable when I’m with him.

With everything that has been happening this year, my mental health has been deteriorating. After a couple of months in this pandemic, I had no clue what to do anymore to help with my mental health. I would get really bad panic attacks and additionally, I was attacking myself and my self-worth.

Going to therapy has been the best decision I made for myself this year.

The only good thing that has come from this pandemic is that it has made therapists more flexible and available. I couldn’t believe that I found a therapist that worked with my schedule and my payments were based up my monthly income.

Additionally, my therapist is great. She has given me new insights to anxieties that ruminate in my head. She was able to help me through hard times at work. We also talked about topics that I have not talked to anyone before. I’m glad that I am able to talk to her on a daily basis.

It’s been a hard year.

We have no clue what 2021 is going to bring us.

But I think that we can handle anything that comes our way.

HAPPY

NEW

YEAR.

-Mel

N.E.G.A.T.I.V.E.

I always think negatively and it’s not because I’m a negative person, it’s because I’m terrified when something positive comes into my life.

Because that positive light can disappear or be taken away from me.

I can’t count the amount of times where I got my hopes up & was disappointed immediately afterwards.

It’s scary to be excited for something.

So I think about the negative aspects of it, so I can get some small ounce of hope.

My therapist recently introduced me to the Cognitive Triangle.
Because sometimes my thoughts affect my feelings and actions. Or a feeling is so strong that affects my thoughts, then my actions.

I always get gut feelings about things. I never know whether to follow my gut or not. Because sometimes those feelings are wrong.

Like I said in a previous post, I’m scared. We have 6 days left this year and I just want everything to be okay.

I’m anticipating for something negative to happen in the next 6 days, because that’s how sh*tty this year was.

I just want to be okay.

& I really hope that I prove this negative feeling in me right now…is wrong.

So I’m going to try to be positive, not at an extreme rate but I’m going to try.

-MEL

JOURNAL JOURNEY.

One of my ways to self-cope/ease my mind from depression and anxiety is to journal.

I have two sources for journaling.

Sometimes I just write in a journal, simple as that.

Writing on this blog is another form of journaling to me. Because sometimes when I think about something, I think it is worthy enough for others to hear my thoughts/experiences. So it can hopefully help someone else in the long run.

When I journal, I typically put music on in the background. Youtube videos and movies would distract me too much.

The music ranges from: coffee jazz music to now Christmas jazz music to Disneyland background music and today was: Ben Platt’s Netflix special.

I have many many journals.

And they each serve a different purpose:

  1. Daily Journal- I like to keep memories of the day, by writing what happened throughout the day. I’m getting older and I also forget things. Sometimes I go back months/years back and like to read what happened on certain days, when memories in my mind or the lack of photos make me forget what happened.
  2. Therapy Journal- This journal is to write things that I think about before/during/after therapy. Sometimes when I want to talk about a certain subject I will write in this journal, so I can reference it during therapy. I write important concepts that I want to remember, that was discussed during therapy. Also, I write things that happened after therapy such as, after an event that was discussed during therapy.
  3. F*CK ANXIETY JOURNAL– this is my second anxiety journal. This journal is basically where I write all my anxieties that keep me awake or won’t escape my mind. It’s a place where I can put my worries/fears/anxieties, so it can leave my mind. Sometimes I write: the facts and what happened, then the WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO, the worries that go with it. Then I take myself back to reality. I write down any possible evidence that argues with the worries. And then I write down: the next steps if my worries were true and if it wasn’t true (self coping skills). Sometimes I like to read back those journal entries knowing that everything worked out in the end.
  4. Bullet Journal- Where I keep track of everything: bills, habits, self-care, cleaning, water tracker, amount of sleep, mental health symptoms, physical health symptoms and a mood tracker. If I had a migraine, I look back at the amount of sleep and water I had. Also, I check how my mental health was and if I was stressed and overwhelmed. If I had a panic attack, I look at the water and sleep trackers to understand what I can do physically to help me mentally.
  5. Currently working on a 2020 journal- This year changed me like it did to everyone in the world. As much as I want to forget this year, this year has helped me grow as a person. And so I want to integrate every up/down, struggles/achievements, heartbreak and happiness from this year. Because no matter how bad this year was, it helped me grow so much.

I started journaling today. Because I knew that I had a lot of thoughts that could lead to overthinking, which ultimately would leave to anxiety attacks.

So I wanted to write it down to get it away from my head.

I made sure to write down the facts of what happened, reminders that I shouldn’t overthink my actions and that I should love myself, my anxieties (before it creeps up on me before it sleeps) and lastly, the great parts of the day that make my heart flutter.

If your mind overwhelms you, take all the worries and fears from your mind and transfer it to a journal or blog post.

-MEL