Uncertainty, Gloomy Weather, Lightheadedness and Just Trying to Survive the Day.

Tomorrow is the start of September.

And I honestly don’t know how August just suddenly ended. Because I feel like I didn’t fully experience this month.

It was a crazy month.

It became a month of uncertainty.

I didn’t know what each day consisted of. And there were nights where I would worry on what could possibly happen the next day.

This month began with major changes at work. My co-teacher had her last week of her two week notice. Which turned into 1.5 days because she sprained her ankle and couldn’t go into work. Then in that same week… we had 6 transitions ( aka new students in our class) start on the SAME DAY. And it wasn’t the most easy-going students. Lots of attitude and lots of “NO”. At the same time, the last few older students in our class were not being good examples to our newer friends. Chaos would be the best word to describe the atmosphere in the classroom.

There was one day, where 10 minutes before my shift, I was having a panic attack. And 5 minutes before my shift, I had to quickly calm myself down and stop my panic attack.

I was just trying to survive each day. Nothing more. Just trying to survive. All in one week, new students and my co-teacher leaving.

And the uncertainty of who would be helping me in the class. It became a game of: is this sub going to be helpful or not?

Then somehow the universe gave us a break. A student got the virus. And our classroom was closed to the students that were directly exposed.

For the past two weeks, we had a quiet classroom. The most kids we had were 7. I got to declutter and change the entire classroom to a system that makes sense. We set rules and classroom management to start fresh when everyone came back.

That was a example of a good uncertainty that occurred.

However, with all the bad uncertainty that happened. It deeply affected how my body felt. Every weekend, it felt like my body was screaming at me to take a break. I would get lightheaded, dizzy, extreme fatigue and nausea.

Then the weather kept on changing which affected my physical health even more, plus my mood.

We had many dark, gloomy and random rainy days. Which is uncommon for us during this time of year. There were some hot days sprinkled in between. But the change in weather made me feel under the weather (not Covid related). But having a dry cough only in the morning and then disappearing in the afternoon.

Then I went on a date with someone and no matter how much I prepped my mental health for that date. I immediately became anxious the moment the date ended. To the point where I didn’t sleep that night because the worries would not stop. Nothing could stop it or distract it. I don’t know what triggered it, because I felt like the date went well. Even my therapist asked, what happened?? She thought I was mentally and emotionally ready to date. And I thought so too. But I guess I wasn’t.

Today was a pretty good representation of my August.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I randomly woke up at 3. Then at 5am, the power went out & I hear my parents in the hallway arguing on how to open the garage with no power. An hour later, the power finally came back.

Then I went to work and it was full of emotions. Many kids came back from their two weeks “off”. It felt like everyone was crying and sad for the smallest thing. And it felt like every 15 minutes, someone was crying. I was not fully awake to deal with all the emotions.

Then the sub was late coming back from lunch. Then it pushed back my co-workers lunch and furthermore, my lunch. And I couldn’t go to lunch late because I had therapy during my lunch. I was NOT going to miss my therapy session. With most students napping, I got the go-ahead to leave my lunch on time leaving the sub in the class.

BUT of course, 5 minutes before my lunch. One student wakes up crying for mom and asks to go to the bathroom. Her cry is so loud, it wakes up two students. Then 1 minute before my lunch, one of those students said that she needed to change. So I had to bring her to the bathroom and change everything. Then once I was finished, she starts crying and missing mom. And the sub couldn’t help because she had to sit with one student who was having a hard nap time.

So I could just hear crying and screaming in my class as I’m leaving. But I was not going to miss therapy, I needed it.

Then being extremely sleepy and not having a lunch, I was just over it. And just trying to survive !

Then I get home (aka a millennial who can’t afford her own place and has to live with her parents), and my mom is in the worst mood. And furthermore, transfers that negative energy to my dad. And all they did was argue the rest of the night. And when they argue, they don’t even listen to what the other one is saying. Which ends up with my mom crying.

I had no sleep, a day with half my class crying. I don’t need a household filled with: anger, tension, crying and yelling.

I don’t know what September will bring.

Because that’s my life.

But I’m going to try to literally take things one day at a time, one hour at a time.

If I just need to survive the day, then that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been at rock bottom already this year. And it’s been a horrible feeling.

I’m trying to push through and get away from that direction.

I’m gonna sleep.

Bye.

-Mel

Advertisement

Anxiety ruins my life.

I just had a first date with this guy I’ve been talking to, for about a month.

I thought the date went well and I want to see him again.

But immediately, as soon as I said bye to him. My anxiety kicked in.

What if he didn’t like me? What if all the hype of meeting each other after many delayed dates wasn’t worth it for him? He didn’t really have too much physical interaction, wait he doesn’t like me?? Do first dates end with a kiss or hug? I don’t know. I guess he didn’t feel the same way??

What if he doesn’t text me anymore after tonight?

What if he ghosts me (like the other guys)?

What if?

What if ?

What if?

Why do you have to do this to me? Anxiety…why?

Why can’t I focus more on how handsome he is, his smile or his hug? The fact that he said, I’ll talk to you soon. Or that he responded to my text when I got home and texted him thank you for dinner.

No. Because anxiety has to f*cking ruin it.

I didn’t have too much anxiety all day prior to the date.

But anxiety was there waiting for me, as soon as I said bye to him.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my anxious mind diverting my mind towards overthinking and negative thoughts.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to feel like my life is going into a good direction. And not have suspicions that something bad is going to happen when life gets steady.

I hate you anxiety.

-Mel

I’m Trying My Best.

I am not sure which year was worse 2020 or 2021 (and we’re only in March).

I’m not shocked at the things that have happened to me, but I am disappointed.

Every time I try to be positive and just deal with the things that have come my way.

Life hits me with another obstacle.

This week was hard. My uncle passed away from COVID. My heart hurts for my family. My heart hurts for my aunt, my cousins and my cousin’s kids.

Work already has been difficult and I’ve already felt so burnt out.

And going to work already burnt out WITH MY heart hurting for my family was soo difficult.

But I had no choice but go to work.

I had so many obstacles come my way in the past year & I just have to deal with it.

And it’s so hard.

I’m tired of dealing with difficult moments that have happened in the past year and are continuing to happen.

Moments that have knocked me down physically, mentally and emotionally. I’ve had so many journal posts that begin with “This has been a rough week….”

And I’m so tired of hard weeks. And I have to deal with it because there’s nothing I can do.

I have to constantly pretend that I’m ok, I have to “stick it out” and just go on with life with all the sh*t that has come my way.

I’m so tired.

I’m trying my best & I am constantly getting hit with these obstacles. Sometimes it comes when I’m not recovered yet from the previous obstacles.

I’m trying my best to be positive.

I’m trying my best to work when I feel like sh*t.

I’m trying my best.

I’m trying.

-MEL

ONE YEAR: Since everything changed.

March 13, 2020. I remember that day so distinctly.

Prior to that day, I had seen what COVID did to everyone else in the world with: temperature checks, panic buying, lockdowns and quarantines.

And that day…. was the day, when it came to my part of the world.

We had a teacher development day on that particular Friday. The virus was in the back of everyone’s minds as we were doing ice-breakers, having meetings and working in our classrooms.

You could tell in everyone’s faces that they were worried.

During lunch, we found out that all the school districts in our area were going to be closed. I vividly remember that lunch, that quiet lunch. Everyone was on their phones, and we all gave each other looks when we saw the news.

But, we still didn’t know what was going to happen to us. We aren’t part of a school district and we weren’t sure if we were part of that closure. The school didn’t know too.

I remember leaving work and calling my mom, asking her what she wanted for dinner since I was off early. She said to pick up something fast and easy to cook from the grocery store.

Little did I know that a trip to get one thing at the grocery store, would lead to me realize that this pandemic is f*cking real.

That was my first experience with seeing panic buying. I saw first-hand the empty shelves and refrigerators and I started to panic. Prior to that shopping trip, I had only seen panic buying on social media. I don’t remember what I got, I think I just got one of the few items that was left. Funny enough, while walking around the store just to find ANYTHING, I hear on the speakers “it’s the end of the world as we know it”. R.E.M.’s song “It’s the end of the world” was playing and it felt like something out of the movies. As I was seeing the empty shelves and as that song was playing, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack in the middle of the store.

That’s when I knew that things were going to change and this virus was something much more bigger, than I thought it was going to be.

That day was the beginning of everything that changed.

Our lives changed after that day.

And it’s crazy to know that a year later, we are still in that pandemic. It’s not as intense as last year, but COVID is still around.

And unfortunately, a year later…COVID is affecting my aunt and uncle. And my uncle is in the hospital because of COVID.

I say it so many times.

It’s been a rough year. And it sucks that it continues to be rough.

Additionally, I have been teaching in a pandemic for a year.

On top of that….I’ve been teaching BY MYSELF IN A PANDEMIC FOR A YEAR.

On Thursday March 12, 2020: I had a full class of 24 students.

Then on the following Monday, March 16, 2020: I had 4 students. I had 20 LESS students.

Additionally, little did I know that my co-teacher (at that time) would work for a week and ditch me. He didn’t come to work and 3 months later, he finally put in his 2 weeks.

During that time, I was talking to a guy on a dating app. And little did I know that we would be talking for months, meet up for a couple of times. And then I first began to understand what the term “GHOSTING” means, because he was the first one to ghost me. And that wouldn’t be the only time in the time of being in a pandemic. Because it would appear that dating in a pandemic just means guys want a “casual” relationship, but then you ghost you weeks later.

ONE YEAR LATER:

I went to a couple of stores today, wearing a mask and consistently putting on hand sanitizer. I was keeping my distance and stepping on the signs to keep a distance from others. The shelves were shocked and no one was panic buying. I was standing in a line to get inside one store. AND IT WASN’T WEIRD…it was normal.

We actually had a Staff Development Day yesterday. Some of the teachers including myself, had a CPR/First Aid class. No worries, just taking a regular class at a distance from others and wearing masks.

I have a new co-teacher. However, we aren’t co-teaching together. We have a split classroom with our own classes.

After my most recent “ghosting” situation that put me in a deep depression (because I really liked him). I am taking a long break from dating apps, which I probably explained in a recent post. And I think it’s best to not go on them for the rest of the year because it just completely diminished my self-esteem.

Life has changed so much within a year.

I don’t know if it changed for the better or the worst.
But it definitely impacted my life (and everyone else’s).

One year of living in a pandemic.

CRAZY.

-MEL

I’m Fooling Myself.

I lied.

I wrote a post this morning and basically deceived myself thinking that I’m okay. And going through all these obstacles is okay. And it’s not.

Today was hard. And it was supposed to be an easy day. I got stuck in traffic, which we haven’t had traffic in the mornings for about a year due to the pandemic. When I saw the traffic, I immediately “OF COURSE this would happen” (sarcastically and angry at the same time). I just barely made it to grab some coffee and get to work on time.

My co-teacher next door was out sick , same with my reliable floater teacher. So I had to help with the sub and an assistant teacher from a different classroom (that doesn’t spend too much time in our classes). I was worried about how her students would react, but they were fine. And it was my class that had a difficult time. Literally, nothing changed in our classroom and they acted like our routines didn’t exist and that it was okay to not listen to me. I was frustrated.

I’m already having a hard week with family contracting COVID and in the hospital. And worrying about them and the rest of my relatives.

Then my f*cking therapy session got cut short due to connection issues.
Work has been more frustrating than ever.

I’ll probably write a blog post about it on Saturday (when it’s exactly a year that my life changed due to COVID).

But I’ve been teaching during a pandemic…by myself….for a year.

It doesn’t get any easier.

And I really understand why so many teachers have quit, especially in the past year.

It’s soo hard.

It’s not fair. I know that every teacher has different experiences teaching during this time.

But thinking about my experience in the past year, it was not fair. And it’s not okay. And it’s not okay that I stayed and continue to stay.

I’m not okay.

What I’ve been through is not okay.

What I’m going through is not okay.

& I need to stop thinking that things will get better someday. It sounds harsh, but it has NOT gotten better. And I’m just fooling myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I’m just going through the same f*cking cycle over and over again.

There’s no light.

What’s terrifies me is that I see all these posts about people getting engaged, married or having a baby.

And I don’t see that for myself.

I don’t think I’ll ever get married.

Or start a family.

And that’s all I wanted since I was about 5 years old.

I don’t understand why I get put in these stressful situations.
I don’t understand why people just leave me with no explanation.

I don’t understand why these things happen to me.

I don’t understand.

I want to feel better.

But I need to stop fooling myself that I’m okay and things will get better.

Because the more I fool myself, then the more that I’ll feel worse and things won’t get better.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

-MEL

I’m Sorry Mel.

I apologized to myself today.

I had a really rough week at work. I’ve had rough weeks before, but this one tops them all.

(Let’s put it this way: I’m about to lose my voice and I have two pimples. And I haven’t had pimples in years).

Today, I just woke up and had a epiphany.

I apologized to myself, because I shouldn’t have known better, than to let some guys let me feel like sh*t.

After another dating app fail, I decided that I need to delete those apps. And not go on for months…. probably for the rest of the year.

I got so used to talking to someone, almost on a daily basis this past year, that I got addicted to it.

I have been on and off dating apps for years. But I haven’t been so hooked on it before. Typically when I would see conversations fading and I can see that I have no need for the app, I would just delete it and go on with my life.

But I guess last year, when everything changed in the world….so did my experience with dating apps.

I’ve noticed that many guys were looking for a “casual” relationship. It felt like 70% of them did. It’s probably due to quarantine and not seeing others. But it felt like no one was really looking for a real relationship.

One of the guys that I met (online & in person), we began talking right when COVID hit San Diego. And our lives were forever changed. We talked pretty much daily and it took about 3 months, till we video called and actually met each other. But once I started to have feelings for him, then that was the end of us.

I talked to someone daily for 3 months. And it felt so nice.

I don’t have any friends nor don’t have anyone to really talk to. So when that ended, I really wanted someone to talk to. Because I got so used to it.

Then I talked to another guy daily soon after. Then his ex just randomly showed up and that was the end of us.

After that, I decided that maybe it’s best to take a break from dating apps. I even told my therapist that. Little did I know that it became worse after that.

The loneliness began to hit me. And I was just craving to talk to someone…anyone. I even tried the BFF version on a dating app to meet friends. But it seemed like, no one really went on that app.

So then I began talking to this last guy (the one I’ve been so depressed about)…

And I thought it was great, that he doesn’t text often because I should be used to it (uhh I’m stupid).

Then I got hurt….and depressed. And had suicidal thoughts. Because it started affecting everything else in my life.

And then this past week, I was talking to a guy. We Facetimed last night, it wasn’t so great.

And I woke up today thinking… “WHAT AM I DOING”

I realized how it’s the end of February and I spent a majority of this year (2 months) getting depressed over a guy. I was extremely hurt by him and I don’t know why? My therapist brought this up in a recent session. She asked how I felt when I had a break up with a boyfriend. I told her that I would get really depressed. And then she asked how long those relationships were. And I said, “the first boyfriend was 1 year and the second boyfriend was 8 months”. And then she asked me why I felt as depressed with this guy, when we were just “hanging out” for less than 3 months.

I told her…. ” I have no clue”. And I still don’t know.

And looking back at how depressed I was this past month, how worthless I felt and all the crying that I did. I was so hurt.

And I let myself get hurt.

I LET MYSELF ONLY SEE THE BAD PERSPECTIVES OF THE SITUATION. AND I LET IT AFFECT ME.

My therapist brought up another thing…..

I want some companionship. I needed it.

I haven’t had a friend in a long time. And no matter how much I’m preparing myself to get used to being so lonely. I need a friend. And she also brought up how much people need human interaction for their mental health and well being. And I’m not getting it.

Earlier this month, I blamed myself for that guy not texting me back. I started looking at my actions and pointing out things that I did “wrong”. I blamed myself for losing the friendships that I had.

It makes me so sad thinking about it. I BLAMED MYSELF. When I didn’t do anything wrong, I just did what was best for myself.

I blamed myself for friends not communicating with me and not supporting me. But a friendship is supposed to be about communication and support. It’s not my fault. I pretend as much as I can that I’m okay for the sake of others. But it gets to a point when I’m tired of pretending and want my true emotions to show. But then it can be interpreted as being rude or being shy. Or whatever.

It’s not my fault. But I let my mind think it’s my fault.

That f*cking guy barely communicated with me. I always had to ask him to Facetime and hang out. He didn’t have the decency to just be honest and say that it wasn’t working out. He just didn’t do anything and I let my mind create all these negative thoughts.

I need to focus on myself again.

My mental health is deteriorating and it’s affecting my emotions and my body.

So I’m going to have March as a self-care month.

No dating apps. Doing the best that I can at work, even though it’s been so stressful. Doing more art. Trying my best to not stay at home as much during the weekends. Because being at home more often, means my mind just plays tricks on me.

I told myself as I was driving home today…

“I’m sorry Mel. I’m sorry that you had to go through all these intense emotions these past couple of months. WHEN YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO. I’m sorry that you felt so depressed and had suicidal thoughts after some a**hole ghosted you. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE IT. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that”.

I made some mistakes and let my mind go to the negative route of circumstances. And it greatly affected me.

We can’t go through this again.
We won’t go through this again.

-MEL

I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE.

(This will probably be a no-edit blog post because I’m tired).

Last week was rough.

During therapy, I was non-stop crying throughout the whole 50 minutes.

I’ve hit rock bottom before and have been in a dark depression. But these past weeks (last week especially), I fell into such a dark place that I haven’t felt before in my 15+ years of having depression.

My therapist created a safety plan for me because the things that I were saying such as “wanting to take a break from myself” fit under the category of suicidal thoughts.

After that session, I realized that I kept on having thoughts that included not having a future.

I am at that point in my life that I feel that I’m not going to get married or begin a family.

And it scares me.

I see so many photos/videos of engagements or weddings throughout instagram or other forms of social media.

And I just get this strange feeling that I won’t ever experience that.

Just from experiences with talking to guys and past exes. I just have the worst experiences in dating and relationships. And yes, I did blame myself for it.

It seems like all guys want these days is a “casual” relationship or “hanging out”.

Sometimes they state it from the beginning, sometimes they tell me after the second time of meeting. I always go through with it, because I’m nervous of starting a serious relationship. So why not? But once I talk to them more and get to know them, then I start to have feelings for them. And then I’m terrified. But I have to be honest and I will let them know.

And every time, I get my feelings hurt. And I get ghosted.

I told my therapist last week how stupid I felt, because I saw the “red flags” but I still continued to talk to him. And she told me, I shouldn’t blame myself because my feelings for him were very genuine. My therapist was there when I was soo unbelievably happy to have plans with him the following weekend. And she was there the week after, completely devastated when he stopped communicating with me.

I was happy one week, devastated the next. And week by week, I began crying more throughout the session. Then last week, I can only describe it as the darkest depression.

I’m tired.

Soo tired.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Goodnight.

-MEL

I WANT A BREAK FROM MYSELF.

I think I posted awhile back about writing letters to people in my life, without actually sending it to them. It was a way to let out my feelings for someone and an outlet to express what I would like to tell someone.

There are many reasons why I don’t send it. And basically, I would think “nothing will change if I share this letter to them”.

I was accepting the fact that the guy that I was talking to….stopped talking to me. I accepted reality, and I was numb for awhile. My therapist last week told me to write a “letter” to him and see if anything else comes up when I write it. For the longest time, I didn’t want to write it. I felt “fine”/numb and I’ve cried so much in the past couple of weeks. I didn’t want to open up that box again and let those feelings out. I just wanted to pretend I was okay for as long as I could.

During those times, I just wanted to add another factor to distract my mind from that guy. So I just downloaded dating apps again, JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE. This is what happens when you don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to.

Tonight, I was just scrolling along. And yup….there was the guy that I was talking to.

(Little or more like BIG back story: We had been talking since November. Met on a dating app. I didn’t think he was too interested in me since he barely responded. But he asked me to hang out and we did. We talked on and off afterwards. We would Facetime once a week. Then on my winter break, we met up again. I had no idea how he felt about me and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about him as well. But then we kissed, and it felt right. Like it felt like there were “sparks”. We tried to meet up a couple of times afterwards, but after a couple COVID scares, we couldn’t see each other. We Face timed and HE was the one that said that we should see each other over the 3 day weekend. But he didn’t text me, he never communicated with me at all during that weekend. I had a rough work week prior to the long weekend and depression came back into my life. I texted him the following Wednesday because I wanted to give the last word. I said that I wish he would just let me know if he couldn’t hang out. (Common courtesy to contact someone when you made plans with them). If it was at all, my fault that I apologize. Wished him well. He replied that he apologized and that he was going through some personal things. Also, that we should talk sometime and go over things. Well it’s been almost 2 weeks later and we haven’t talked. And now I see him on Tinder…..).

So I wrote a letter to him that I won’t send.

As I was writing the letter, I suddenly became overwhelmed.

And I said “CAN I JUST TAKE A BREAK FROM ME? PLEASE!”

I want a break from my life, from my house, my job…..my mind and my thoughts.

I just need to get away. Not anywhere in particular. Just away from myself.

I have been recording myself lately while I cry, have a panic attack, get depressed.

Because I just want to see something that others don’t see.

I know it’s me….but it’s so heartbreaking.

Sometimes I do a time lapse and I can see when my heart completely breaks as I’m writing.

For GOODNESS SAKES,

JUST BE KIND TO ANYONE YOU MEET. BE RESPECTFUL.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ANYONE IS GOING THROUGH.
YOU THINK THAT YOU NOT CONTACTING SOMEONE ISN’T A BIG DEAL, BUT WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THAT PERSON’S LIFE DOESN’T CONTACT THEM AS WELL.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL.

I don’t know what to do anymore…

Thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow.

-MEL

The little Things Can Leave a HUGE Effect

It’s amazing how one small thing can escalate into multiple things, like a snowball effect.

It started off with a conversation from a student’s parent. I won’t share details but it had to deal with a “bully” problem, which wasn’t a bully problem. It was taken out of context. But any parent “concern” all comes down to me, because it’s my classroom and my students.

I’m already in a horrible condition. I’m currently in a deep depression. So any small comment, already pushes me to the point of “it’s my fault”.

I left work, drove home with a “Pop Punk” playlist, with songs during my “EMO”/Teen phase.

I thought it would make me feel nostalgic in a good way.

But I’m going through many things at the moment (along with depression), that the playlist added to the low condition that I was in.

My mind went from:

• Developmental stages & Bullying in Child Development

• To “I’m NOT OKAY”

• To thinking about the different friendships & relationships that have disappeared throughout my 31 years of life

• To “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”

• To “ISN’T IT WEIRD HOW ONE ACTION VERBAL & NON-VERBAL CAN HAVE A HUGE EFFECT ON MY LIFE”. (During therapy yesterday, I talked about the guy that I was talking to. And how upset I was that he didn’t communicate with me about plans that he made. He wanted to hang out with me, but didn’t text me. Without thinking about it, I was so emotional and started talking about how a friend from middle school was mad at me for texting her too much about plans. She asked me to hang out, she didn’t text & got mad at me for asking her about it. That one friend’s aggressive words towards me affected me in a different situation 17 years later).

• TO “I CAN’T BE A TEACHER ANYMORE” (I’ve been soo irritable lately from anxiety and I’m afraid that my actions or words will negatively affect one of my students later in life)

• TO ” I VALUE & CARE ABOUT EVERYONE THAT HAS CROSSED MY PATH BUT I DON’T RECEIVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF VALUE & CARE BACK”

• TO “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” (again).

I arrived to my exit 20(ish) minutes later, I had to wipe my tears away coming home. I cried so much that I noticed my pants and my seat were wet from my tears.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE KIND TO EVERYONE YOU MEET.

BE KIND & SHOW PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT THEY ARE LOVED & APPRECIATED.

You never know if something you did to someone has positively or negatively affected someone.

A friend from middle school was upset with me for plans that she made & it gave me the same feeling of abandonment 17 years later when a guy that I was talking to, didn’t communicate with me about plans that he made.

That one small thing affected me in my adult life.

PLEASE BE KIND

-MEL

F*CK. Depression is hard.

As I have probably mentioned I have experienced more anxiety symptoms in the past 5 years than depression.

And depression is hard.

I was going to write about other topics today on this blog.

But I’m f*cking depressed.

I kinda felt OFF this week. I was irritable. I was hungry, but had no appetite. I had the opposite of my sleeping problem, where I would just sleep early almost every night. I would sleep 8-9 hours these past couple of weeks.

Last night, I just felt so strange. I had a difficult week at work and I was anxiously waiting for a response back from the guy that I’m currently talking to. This strange feeling was so familiar. But now I know that it was the beginning of depression.

I haven’t felt the “rock bottom” component of depression in many years. And I feel like I blocked that feeling from myself. So much that depression and deep depression feels like it’s something new.

I started doing my daily journals last night while listening to my “mental health” playlist. I desperately wanted to cry in hopes to make me feel better. And then the song ” After the Storm” from Mumford & Songs began playing. There is this one lyric that I always have in the back of my mind when I need it. And that lyric immediately made me cry, ” But there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”.

This cry was different. It wasn’t an anxiety cry, it was depression.

I was able to fall asleep and sleep through the night ( *knock on wood). But when I woke up, I had no urgency to get up as I usually do. I felt like I didn’t have any ounce of energy. However, it wasn’t the same exhaustion as I usually get from work. It was an emotional exhaustion.

I was able to get some cleaning done and do my laundry. I took a shower, because I had planned to go to a store just to get out of the house. But after lunch, I just sat in my chair in my room with a constant worry and looked at my phone for any text from him. I knew that getting out of the house would make me feel better, but I couldn’t.

Then I laid on my bed and fell asleep. I had 8 hours of sleep last night, I had caffeine in the morning and I wasn’t ill. So it was very strange that I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon that didn’t have to do with a lack of sleep or being sick.

Again, it was depression.

After a couple of hours of feeling suicidal, feeling worthless, feeling like I will never feel loved.

I finally got the energy to eat something and journal my feelings.

As soon as I started to write down my feelings about the guy. I began to pray and talk to God, which I have done pretty often when I was in a dark depression. I just kept on asking him…WHY? Why bring so many guys in my life that have no interest in me, but talk to me, as if they do like me. Why are they just teasing me and playing with me, then just to hurt me. I’m 31 years old, I’m tired of this!

I had been crying on and off today. Sometimes with or without a warning. And there were many moments where I was in the living room and just started crying. Then I hear a family member walk towards my direction and I quickly have to wipe my tears.

(It’s 7:16 PM and I’m soo sleepy at the moment.)

What I wanted for this new year was….to be OKAY.

I didn’t want to be happy, I didn’t want to have the best year ever.

I just wanted to be OKAY.

We’re 16 days into the new year and I’m already struggling.

F*CK DEPRESSION.

-MEL