Uncertainty, Gloomy Weather, Lightheadedness and Just Trying to Survive the Day.

Tomorrow is the start of September.

And I honestly don’t know how August just suddenly ended. Because I feel like I didn’t fully experience this month.

It was a crazy month.

It became a month of uncertainty.

I didn’t know what each day consisted of. And there were nights where I would worry on what could possibly happen the next day.

This month began with major changes at work. My co-teacher had her last week of her two week notice. Which turned into 1.5 days because she sprained her ankle and couldn’t go into work. Then in that same week… we had 6 transitions ( aka new students in our class) start on the SAME DAY. And it wasn’t the most easy-going students. Lots of attitude and lots of “NO”. At the same time, the last few older students in our class were not being good examples to our newer friends. Chaos would be the best word to describe the atmosphere in the classroom.

There was one day, where 10 minutes before my shift, I was having a panic attack. And 5 minutes before my shift, I had to quickly calm myself down and stop my panic attack.

I was just trying to survive each day. Nothing more. Just trying to survive. All in one week, new students and my co-teacher leaving.

And the uncertainty of who would be helping me in the class. It became a game of: is this sub going to be helpful or not?

Then somehow the universe gave us a break. A student got the virus. And our classroom was closed to the students that were directly exposed.

For the past two weeks, we had a quiet classroom. The most kids we had were 7. I got to declutter and change the entire classroom to a system that makes sense. We set rules and classroom management to start fresh when everyone came back.

That was a example of a good uncertainty that occurred.

However, with all the bad uncertainty that happened. It deeply affected how my body felt. Every weekend, it felt like my body was screaming at me to take a break. I would get lightheaded, dizzy, extreme fatigue and nausea.

Then the weather kept on changing which affected my physical health even more, plus my mood.

We had many dark, gloomy and random rainy days. Which is uncommon for us during this time of year. There were some hot days sprinkled in between. But the change in weather made me feel under the weather (not Covid related). But having a dry cough only in the morning and then disappearing in the afternoon.

Then I went on a date with someone and no matter how much I prepped my mental health for that date. I immediately became anxious the moment the date ended. To the point where I didn’t sleep that night because the worries would not stop. Nothing could stop it or distract it. I don’t know what triggered it, because I felt like the date went well. Even my therapist asked, what happened?? She thought I was mentally and emotionally ready to date. And I thought so too. But I guess I wasn’t.

Today was a pretty good representation of my August.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I randomly woke up at 3. Then at 5am, the power went out & I hear my parents in the hallway arguing on how to open the garage with no power. An hour later, the power finally came back.

Then I went to work and it was full of emotions. Many kids came back from their two weeks “off”. It felt like everyone was crying and sad for the smallest thing. And it felt like every 15 minutes, someone was crying. I was not fully awake to deal with all the emotions.

Then the sub was late coming back from lunch. Then it pushed back my co-workers lunch and furthermore, my lunch. And I couldn’t go to lunch late because I had therapy during my lunch. I was NOT going to miss my therapy session. With most students napping, I got the go-ahead to leave my lunch on time leaving the sub in the class.

BUT of course, 5 minutes before my lunch. One student wakes up crying for mom and asks to go to the bathroom. Her cry is so loud, it wakes up two students. Then 1 minute before my lunch, one of those students said that she needed to change. So I had to bring her to the bathroom and change everything. Then once I was finished, she starts crying and missing mom. And the sub couldn’t help because she had to sit with one student who was having a hard nap time.

So I could just hear crying and screaming in my class as I’m leaving. But I was not going to miss therapy, I needed it.

Then being extremely sleepy and not having a lunch, I was just over it. And just trying to survive !

Then I get home (aka a millennial who can’t afford her own place and has to live with her parents), and my mom is in the worst mood. And furthermore, transfers that negative energy to my dad. And all they did was argue the rest of the night. And when they argue, they don’t even listen to what the other one is saying. Which ends up with my mom crying.

I had no sleep, a day with half my class crying. I don’t need a household filled with: anger, tension, crying and yelling.

I don’t know what September will bring.

Because that’s my life.

But I’m going to try to literally take things one day at a time, one hour at a time.

If I just need to survive the day, then that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been at rock bottom already this year. And it’s been a horrible feeling.

I’m trying to push through and get away from that direction.

I’m gonna sleep.

Bye.

-Mel

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Anxiety ruins my life.

I just had a first date with this guy I’ve been talking to, for about a month.

I thought the date went well and I want to see him again.

But immediately, as soon as I said bye to him. My anxiety kicked in.

What if he didn’t like me? What if all the hype of meeting each other after many delayed dates wasn’t worth it for him? He didn’t really have too much physical interaction, wait he doesn’t like me?? Do first dates end with a kiss or hug? I don’t know. I guess he didn’t feel the same way??

What if he doesn’t text me anymore after tonight?

What if he ghosts me (like the other guys)?

What if?

What if ?

What if?

Why do you have to do this to me? Anxiety…why?

Why can’t I focus more on how handsome he is, his smile or his hug? The fact that he said, I’ll talk to you soon. Or that he responded to my text when I got home and texted him thank you for dinner.

No. Because anxiety has to f*cking ruin it.

I didn’t have too much anxiety all day prior to the date.

But anxiety was there waiting for me, as soon as I said bye to him.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my anxious mind diverting my mind towards overthinking and negative thoughts.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to feel like my life is going into a good direction. And not have suspicions that something bad is going to happen when life gets steady.

I hate you anxiety.

-Mel

I had a panic attack at my cousin’s wedding.

It’s been a couple of months since my last post.

But I thought it was important to share what happened on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

My last post talked about how I felt so out of place and felt like I didn’t belong in my family, when I was at the rehearsal dinner.

So naturally, I already had a lot of anxiety on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

I barely had sleep the night before and it added to the anxiety I already had. I could feel the anxiety of the day before the day even began.

I felt fine that morning, despite the lack of sleep. We spent the morning in the penthouse where all the women got their hair and make-up ready. I spent the majority of that time on my phone, which helped my anxiety. And after getting my make-up done and getting ready for the wedding. I thought I was going to be fine.

I did not know where to go, where to sit or stand before the ceremony. I felt so strange not having anyone to interact with….and my anxiety grew. I finally just sat where most of my relatives were and thought I would be okay.

I cried when the doors opened and I saw my beautiful cousin walk down the aisle. That moment really hit me. I felt a sudden rush of memories, from the time we were little to the present time, flashed before my eyes. I was really close to her when we were younger and like with everyone else, we got distant as we grew older.

Once the ceremony ended and the cocktail hour started. That’s when the anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know where to go. I felt my heart beating quickly and I started to feel so confused. Because I had no where to go and I had no where to escape.

I was guided to go outside to take photos with the family and the bride.

One moment that struck me was the girl cousins were all gathered and they called me in. And I thought it was for everyone & no one else came up with me. And I thought I made a mistake because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. I walked out and they were saying no I’m part of the picture.

It was a nice gesture to include me as part of a photo. But looking at the pictures now and seeing how I’m the only one that doesn’t have the same dress hurts. What hurts even more is looking at my smile in that photo. I was hurting so much, but I had to try so hard to fake that smile.

Once we were done, we took our seats for dinner. I was in the back and close to the bathrooms. I sat with my cousins, my cousins kids and my brother. So again, I thought I was fine.

But throughout dinner, everyone at my table would leave for various reasons. To help with the DJ, to take photo booth photos, to get a drink, to go outside and the two little girls were just running around. I would look around and see all the girl cousins at the photo booth together & that they all sat next to each other too. A majority of that dinner, I sat by myself in the corner. And that set my anxiety into high gear.

I didn’t know where to go. I could feel a panic attack coming. And I didn’t know what to do. I figured that it was best to go to the bathroom. And as soon as I closed that stall door, I started crying, hyperventilating and having a panic attack.

If I could, I would have stayed in that bathroom all night. It was the only place that felt safe.

I kept on going back and forth from my table to the bathroom to cry or continue my panic attack. Or the seats outside the bathroom, which didn’t feel too safe because everyone was coming in and out of there.

Towards the end of the night before the dancing began, I become overstimulated as well as having a panic attack. If I was at the table, I would cover my ears and close my eyes. If not, I was in the bathroom crying or sitting in the seats outside the bathroom covering my ears.

I couldn’t leave the venue on my own or even to step outside. We were in the heart of downtown and on a Friday night, it probably wasn’t safe for me to go outside on my own.

My mom could sense that I was very uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel (which was 2 blocks down). I said yes, hoping my dad would come too. But he stayed. My anxiety increased as my mom and I, walked two blocks in downtown. I was trying to speed walk/run to the hotel but couldn’t leave my mom behind.

Once we got to the hotel and got safely back to our hotel room, I felt like I was able to breathe again. Along with some donuts we had in our room, I felt a lot better.

I felt so uncomfortable in a wedding where half the guests were my family.

I prepared myself for weeks in therapy for that day.

But no matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to help my anxiety or help with my panic attack.

Ever since that day, I always think about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaids or maid of honors, and it breaks my heart. All my friendships and relationships with cousins diminished. And if they aren’t there for me for my tough mental days (or at least talk to me), then why would I have them as part of my “special” day??

I had to completely take myself out of my comfort zone for that wedding. If it wasn’t family, I wouldn’t have gone to that wedding.

I always have to sacrifice my mental health, my comfort level for my family. Going to family events when I feel uncomfortable.

I wish they would go out of their comfort zones for me. Ask me how I’m truly feeling, asking about mental health. If I have a panic attack, just being present. Or just including me in things as their family because they WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.

-Mel

I don’t feel like I belong in my family

I can’t sleep because all the anxiety I had being with relatives today.

I was at a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my cousin’s wedding.

I’m not part of the wedding. But since my parents are part of it, then I got to go. Same with the dinner.

I walked into the venue. Dressed in what I wore to work (a nice skirt and flats). I didn’t have time to change. And everyone was dressed up as if it were the wedding day. All the girls coincidentally wore spaghetti strap maxi dresses and heels. I immediately felt out of place.

Everyone was off in little groups here and there. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

A couple minutes in and I already felt like an outsider with my own family. But that wasn’t the first time.

I was preparing for the anxiety that I will have over this long family weekend. I had many therapy sessions about this. But the feeling of loneliness wasn’t anything that I prepared for.

Naturally my anxiety got worse over dinner. I was already exhausted from my morning with my students. I was feeling out of place at the rehearsals. And now I had to sit there for hours. And all I could do was be glued to my phone.

I hear all the girl cousins and the rest of the bridesmaid’s OOOHs and AWWS as they opened their bridesmaid gifts. I heard lots of loud conversations and laughter.

I immediately became overstimulated and overwhelmed from the environment.

At a point, I felt like the world was spinning around me. It was too much for me. I had to turn my body to the side, and put one hand up to my ear to lessen the volume. I had to whisper and repeat “ I am safe. I am safe. I am okay. It will be over soon.”

I have been dealing with being an outsider in my family for years. Just because I shared my mental health struggles over social media. And when my anxiety got too bad at family parties, I took time to take care of it.

I suddenly thought about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaid or maid of honor at my wedding. I’m crying as I type that.

I won’t have a wedding like how this wedding is. Not have bridesmaids or maid of honors. Not having people for a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Just because I don’t have anyone close to me.

Because they all pushed me away, just because I have depression and anxiety.

I push myself out of my comfort zone to be there for them. To be at places that I am not comfortable with. For them.

But they can’t go out of their comfort zone to have a conversation with me about my mental health. Or at least, be there for my physically. Or at least say “How are you doing?” And mean it.

I have 3 more days of family events.

What do I do ?

-Mel

I Deserve Better.

It’s 4am on a work day. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep.

But I guess 4am is the time for realizations.

Yesterday was a very frustrating day at work. It was like, a tiny thing in the universe was out of sync and it made my students forget everything that they’ve learned and were OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

It was too much. Students talking back. Students not listening. One student hitting the teacher who gives me my lunch break (he had hit me the day before). Students running around in the class and just dumping all the toys on the tables and floors. It was like I was in an alternate universe.

Because I teach my students to be kind and respectful to their friends, teachers and to themselves.

And I absolutely lost my patience. I had to take away so many toys and raised my teacher voice to the highest level. It ended up giving me a migraine.

I spent last night going over what happened at work. And how I had to yell and raise my voice.

That’s not me. That’s not why I became a teacher.

I’ve had many issues at work, that I’ve shared so many times on this blog. And yes, I don’t know why I’m still working there. When it didn’t give me support for challenging students. We had an entire class that had so much high energy kids and we had one student that we had to constantly keep an eye on & had challenges with. And that I’m still having challenges with until this day.

When I spent the first month of the pandemic doing work fit for two teachers. Additionally, they gave me a weird break schedule when I was a solo teacher. Getting my AM breaks at around 10:45-11am. Getting my lunch at 12pm and not getting my PM breaks until 5pm (during that time we had to sanitize everything, so I only gave myself a 5 min break to catch up)

Then the teacher who has supported me throughout my time being a solo teacher, finally became my co-teacher. Then they put a f*cking wall in my class and we each had our own mini classrooms. Which has so many challenges because our schedule is rushed and we only have a bathroom on one side of the classroom (not my side). And we barely have any materials in our class, because they split up the materials unevenly.

And I went from having the same 7 kids for months to now having about 16 kids total. We had one or two added months later. Then we got 5 new/ returning kids in one week.

And I’m still having problems with my challenging student.

I need to start standing up for myself now.

I really need to leave. I’ve dealt with so much sh*t with this job. And no one really realizes how much I went through. And how hard I worked.

I deserve better.

I deserve a job that I can come to work and leave work feeling satisfied. I deserve a job not feeling frustrated or having a panic attack coming home from work. I deserve a job where I don’t worry about what’s going to happen. I deserve a job that makes me feel like, “yes this is what I’m supposed to be doing”. I deserve a job that doesn’t make me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted every single day.

Another thing also has happened since March.

I am 31 and finally realize that if a guy doesn’t have the same feelings for me, then I don’t need to change myself to make them like me. Also, I don’t need to put myself down when they don’t have the same feelings for me.

I’ve talked to two guys throughout this pandemic.

Both had the intention of wanting to sleep with me. Nothing more.

The first guy I talked to for months before we finally were able to meet up. Then I began to have feelings for him. I wanted to be honest and tell him, instead of hiding my feelings. After I told him my feelings, he only messaged me once. And after a week of making myself feel like I’m not good enough, I decided to “leave” (aka unmatch).

You would think that made me feel better.

However…

Now that I had experienced communicating with someone on a daily basis. I didn’t like the feeling of not receiving any messages and not having someone to talk to.

I tried to fill that void and tried to talk to other guys. I didn’t want to feel lonely again. But in reality, I wasn’t really lonely. Because I’ve spent years not having someone to talk to. It was just a nice feeling of being able to communicate with someone again.

I talked to another guy and I’ve talked to him for weeks.

We FaceTimed the other night for the first time and suddenly he doesn’t message me. (Yes, I know it’s only been one day). After talking to him, I realized that he’s pretty cute and I liked talking to him. Then he doesn’t message the following day.

And I spent all day: replaying our conversation in my head. And kept on criticizing myself for things I said and thought maybe I should of said this instead.

I hated having that feeling of: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

I guess waking up at 4am was helpful. Because it clicked.

What am I doing?

Why am I only talking to guys who are only interested in me because they want to sleep with me? They butter me up by talking to me and probably acting like their interested in me. Once they are get what want, then they suddenly aren’t interested in talking to me.

I deserve better.

I deserve a guy who likes me for me. I deserve a guy that I don’t have to change myself to make them like me. I deserve a guy who I trust and trusts me back.

I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me worried about my actions and doesn’t makes me question “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?”

I’m not saying that I am the best person in the world and deserve the best things in life.

But I work hard. I’m a kind person. I think about others more than myself.

I deserve better than a job that negatively affects my mental and physical health. A job that makes me lose my passion for working in the education field.

I deserve better than guys who want nothing more than to sleep with me. I deserve a good guy who likes me, simply for me.

I need to walk away & know that I am so much better than others making me question my own self-worth.

My alarm just went off.

Time to start a new day. Not with a new perspectives on my life.

I deserve better.

-Mel

Write on…

I prefer writing over typing any day.

When I was in college, I always bought a notebook for notes,even though I brought my laptop everywhere with me.

In my room, I have about a thousand journals. All unfinished. All with a different purpose.

Writing. Physically.

For different purposes.

There’s just something about it.

In school, when writing down information physically. I am to remember things more and actually understand what I’m learning about.

When I write about my worries, I feel like I’m letting my worries go as I write those feelings onto paper. And when I am able to read my worries, I can clearly see what’s factual and what anxious thoughts were roaming around my mind.

When I write down my letters to NO ONE. I am able to let every emotion deep down inside of me out. I am able to fully express how I feel towards someone, even if they will never read it.

When I write down the events of the day, I am able to recall and reflect how the day went. Additionally, I’m able to read old entries from months ago and feel nostalgic about it.

Today, I started to write in a journal again.

No notes. No worries. No letters. No outlines of my day.

I just wrote how I felt. No pretty handwriting. No editing on my grammar. No proofreads. Just writing everything that comes from my mind.

Just writing what I feel and how I feel without any limitations.

I haven’t done this in years. And looking at all my feelings written in words in front of me might just give me closure or an insight of what I need to do.

Write it down.

-Mel

Depression sucks.

I held it in all day.
The frustration, the anxiety, the moments of feeling depressed.

I had to. I was at work. As soon as I turned right on the main street after leaving work.

All the feelings that I held inside for 8 hours  just exploded.

I spent that 30ish min drive completely destroyed.

I was at a very low point. I pretty much hit rock bottom, a place that I never wanted to be ever again.

That drive included moments of:

• uncontrollable crying
• telling myself that I hated myself for getting to this point
• telling myself  “please make it stop”
• telling myself that the life and people around me just don’t need me anymore
• asking myself  “WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH?”
• not being able to breathe
• because of lots of heavy breathing
• telling myself that if it does get to that lowest point call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 

This is reality. This is depression.

This is part of the depression that I hate to experience because it takes such a huge toll on my mind and my body.

It’s 9pm…3 hours later and I am physically and mentally exhausted from that rock bottom explosion.

It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

 

-Mel

World Mental Health Day. Mental Health Awareness Day.

Hello.

My name is Mel and I wanted to share my story.

I am 29. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Depression.

& recently I have been experiencing lots of anxiety.

 

I didn’t know about Depression or Anxiety too much when I first started having symptoms when I was 14.

I started having depression after my grandma passed away.

During that time of grieving, life changed and continued to change in an instant. During that time, I was too sad from the passing of my grandma that I barely went to school. And during that time, my group of friends got closer and closer, leaving me out. I was in 8th grade during that time and went to high school months later.

I started to feel extremely lonely during high school. One of those friends in that group and I went to a high school different from everyone else. Once we got to high school, she immediately made new friends and I didn’t. So during lunch, I didn’t have anyone to sit with. So I sat in a part of school that no one went to and had lunch there. I was always afraid that someone would see my like my brother who was a senior while I was a Freshman during that time.

Like I said, I didn’t know what depression really was when I first started having it. So during high school, at times I felt really sad, irritable and just wanted to stay in my room all day crying. High School was a whirlwind.

During my senior year, I felt like life was going great. I had a job, I had a boyfriend, I had a close friend that I spent a lot of time with and new friends from that job.

Then again, I went to a college nearby months later.

Then things changed again. I went to the same college with that ONE friend again (the one who made new friends quickly in high school). I instantly became overwhelmed and anxious just from orientation and I felt like I failed already.

Then months later, that boyfriend “broke up” with me also known as left me for another girl. And that period of depression was the first time that I felt like I was at rock bottom.

During that time, we sold my favorite family home and had to move. I felt behind in classes and had trouble with financial aid, so it was hard for me to pay for a semester.

That summer, I knew that something was different. Because I was really depressed to the point where I would just lay on my bathroom floor crying for hours many, many times. It became apparent that my mental health and emotions affected other parts of my body. Because I lost an extreme amount of weight. I am naturally a petite girl, where I average 100-102 pounds but it’s normal for me. During that time, I was 85 pounds. And during that time, I started to have really bad episodes of insomnia where I couldn’t sleep until 4 or 5am.

My family including relatives just kept on telling me to stop being sad about my breakup with my boyfriend. But I knew that it was something much more than that breakup.

I actually don’t know when all the symptoms of: sadness, insomnia, weight loss and loss of appetite popped up as depression in my mind. During that time thoughts of: I don’t want to be here anymore appeared.

Fast forward to years later after another “breakup” also known as leaving me for another girl PART 2.

And I started having moments of: losing weight, insomnia and crying on my bathroom floor again but 10x worse.

It got so bad that I told my mom that I needed help. Then she set up an appointment with a therapist and psychiatrist as soon as possible.

That first appointment, I basically cried the entire time.

After going to more and more appointments, I was prescribed to Zoloft.

I went to therapy every two weeks. But, before going on vacation to the Philippines for a month, I felt like therapy wasn’t working for me and Zoloft did nothing but give me the side effects of the medication. Plus I was extremely broke and couldn’t afford it anymore. So I stopped going.

After that month off from reality, I went back home to find out that my ex had started becoming boyfriend/girlfriend with that girl.

And during that time, my best friend started her relationship with her now husband and didn’t really talk to me that much.

I felt so alone. And that’s when thoughts of ending my life appeared.

I got a minor concussion before my vacation and I was told to be cautious with my head. And one time I was just so depressed and done with my life that I sat in my car outside of my house just banging my head on the steering wheel and then going inside and banging my head on the walls in my room. Because I just wanted the thoughts of my ex or being alone or the voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough to STOP. 

Years later and I still had thoughts of suicide and had really bad episodes of depression.

Then out of nowhere, my second chance just appeared in the mailbox.

I went to a University after high school and lost my financial aid. Then I went to community college and failed my major. Then I changed my major and applied to my dream University.

And I was accepted. That was my second chance at life because, before that letter, I really just wanted to leave forever.

It was a different experience from that first university. I felt extremely grateful to be accepted to my dream school, so I worked hard and didn’t let depression affect me or make me lose my focus. My life for three years was working hard in school.

Then the best day of my life came when I graduated from college. 

And a day later, reality hit and depression came back and hit me harder. 

Literally the day after I graduated, I was really depressed. I reached my goal, now what?? Days later, I was supposed to go to a concert of my favorite band but I was so depressed that I couldn’t go.

A month later, I started having anxiety at Disney World because of my family. Months after that, I went to Europe and couldn’t go to this one city because my anxiety was really bad.

And during that time, I didn’t know it was anxiety.

Between that time and now, I had many moments of depression and anxiety. And it’s written on this blog.

About a year or two ago, I started to share information and posts about mental health on my Instagram.

From that, that’s when you know who is there for you and who isn’t. 

I don’t care anymore. I used to be so afraid of sharing my depression and anxiety.

Now I don’t care if anyone knows. It’s real and it’s part of my life.

From seeing more and more people sharing their stories of mental health and mental illness, I am more motivated to share my story.

I am still battling depression and anxiety.

But now I know that I’m not the only one.

You are not alone. 

 

Love, Mel.

 

When things are good…

I get scared. 

I will consistently say how horrible September was for me.

Things just kept getting worse and worse.

And when I had one ounce of positivity within me and around me, it was easily taken away by something stressful or frustrating.

Then my mind can’t really focus. I keep on second-guessing, worrying and just panicking about every little thing.

And last week in a moment of stress, things just started heading to a positive route.

I was skeptical.

I’m so used to things go from bad to stressful to frustrating to anxiety and panic attacks consistently.

But it’s rare when things go from less stressful to being able to breathe, not worrying and then end up being happy. Saturday was the happiest day.

I’m scared that it’ll go away.

I’m just at the edge of my seat just waiting for something bad to happen.

& that’s a horrible feeling.

The thought that something good and happy doesn’t last long is something that I am so familiar with. 

I am going to be cautious with everything. I kept on thinking this past week after something positive or good happened, that something bad is coming my way. Because there’s no way that all this good energy is coming my way all at once.

I don’t want to have this worry in the back of my mind every moment of every day.

But that’s how my life is.

Always anticipating the worst when the best happens. 

-Mel

Fighting the negative.

Last month was horrible.

So many unexpected events, so many disappointing moments, so many moments of stress and anxiety.

I was tired of it and I’m still tired of it.

It felt like the days were long and the weeks felt longer.

And I just felt trapped in this never-ending cycle of bad sh*t happening.

Today is the first of a new month.

I wanted to start off thinking positively.

I tried. I tried and then I just felt like I was faking being positive.

And it all happened at work and just reaffirmed my decision of accepting that other job.

I was at work for less than 20 mins.
and I already felt my positivity just fighting so hard.

I had experienced someone just spreading negativity through their tone just within those 20 minutes. I had my students just not listening and caring. I had an afternoon with an immense amount of students that beat the record of other afternoons, which was already ridiculous. Then getting confused with a new procedure that was never explained to us.

As I was walking out of work, I just thought, I AM SOO GLAD IM LEAVING SOON.

So yea, I was in a very massive stressful and anxiety-triggering work day.

And sh*t, I wanted to give up so quickly. 

I was fighting so hard, I didn’t want to let go of that positive thinking, even if it didn’t feel real.

I have so much to do and many errands to do by next Monday.

But I decided to give myself a break tonight. 

Because if the rest of the week is a repeat of today. I just need to breathe and rest or else I would feel like I did last month.

Fight the negative.

-MEL