Uncertainty, Gloomy Weather, Lightheadedness and Just Trying to Survive the Day.

Tomorrow is the start of September.

And I honestly don’t know how August just suddenly ended. Because I feel like I didn’t fully experience this month.

It was a crazy month.

It became a month of uncertainty.

I didn’t know what each day consisted of. And there were nights where I would worry on what could possibly happen the next day.

This month began with major changes at work. My co-teacher had her last week of her two week notice. Which turned into 1.5 days because she sprained her ankle and couldn’t go into work. Then in that same week… we had 6 transitions ( aka new students in our class) start on the SAME DAY. And it wasn’t the most easy-going students. Lots of attitude and lots of “NO”. At the same time, the last few older students in our class were not being good examples to our newer friends. Chaos would be the best word to describe the atmosphere in the classroom.

There was one day, where 10 minutes before my shift, I was having a panic attack. And 5 minutes before my shift, I had to quickly calm myself down and stop my panic attack.

I was just trying to survive each day. Nothing more. Just trying to survive. All in one week, new students and my co-teacher leaving.

And the uncertainty of who would be helping me in the class. It became a game of: is this sub going to be helpful or not?

Then somehow the universe gave us a break. A student got the virus. And our classroom was closed to the students that were directly exposed.

For the past two weeks, we had a quiet classroom. The most kids we had were 7. I got to declutter and change the entire classroom to a system that makes sense. We set rules and classroom management to start fresh when everyone came back.

That was a example of a good uncertainty that occurred.

However, with all the bad uncertainty that happened. It deeply affected how my body felt. Every weekend, it felt like my body was screaming at me to take a break. I would get lightheaded, dizzy, extreme fatigue and nausea.

Then the weather kept on changing which affected my physical health even more, plus my mood.

We had many dark, gloomy and random rainy days. Which is uncommon for us during this time of year. There were some hot days sprinkled in between. But the change in weather made me feel under the weather (not Covid related). But having a dry cough only in the morning and then disappearing in the afternoon.

Then I went on a date with someone and no matter how much I prepped my mental health for that date. I immediately became anxious the moment the date ended. To the point where I didn’t sleep that night because the worries would not stop. Nothing could stop it or distract it. I don’t know what triggered it, because I felt like the date went well. Even my therapist asked, what happened?? She thought I was mentally and emotionally ready to date. And I thought so too. But I guess I wasn’t.

Today was a pretty good representation of my August.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I randomly woke up at 3. Then at 5am, the power went out & I hear my parents in the hallway arguing on how to open the garage with no power. An hour later, the power finally came back.

Then I went to work and it was full of emotions. Many kids came back from their two weeks “off”. It felt like everyone was crying and sad for the smallest thing. And it felt like every 15 minutes, someone was crying. I was not fully awake to deal with all the emotions.

Then the sub was late coming back from lunch. Then it pushed back my co-workers lunch and furthermore, my lunch. And I couldn’t go to lunch late because I had therapy during my lunch. I was NOT going to miss my therapy session. With most students napping, I got the go-ahead to leave my lunch on time leaving the sub in the class.

BUT of course, 5 minutes before my lunch. One student wakes up crying for mom and asks to go to the bathroom. Her cry is so loud, it wakes up two students. Then 1 minute before my lunch, one of those students said that she needed to change. So I had to bring her to the bathroom and change everything. Then once I was finished, she starts crying and missing mom. And the sub couldn’t help because she had to sit with one student who was having a hard nap time.

So I could just hear crying and screaming in my class as I’m leaving. But I was not going to miss therapy, I needed it.

Then being extremely sleepy and not having a lunch, I was just over it. And just trying to survive !

Then I get home (aka a millennial who can’t afford her own place and has to live with her parents), and my mom is in the worst mood. And furthermore, transfers that negative energy to my dad. And all they did was argue the rest of the night. And when they argue, they don’t even listen to what the other one is saying. Which ends up with my mom crying.

I had no sleep, a day with half my class crying. I don’t need a household filled with: anger, tension, crying and yelling.

I don’t know what September will bring.

Because that’s my life.

But I’m going to try to literally take things one day at a time, one hour at a time.

If I just need to survive the day, then that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been at rock bottom already this year. And it’s been a horrible feeling.

I’m trying to push through and get away from that direction.

I’m gonna sleep.

Bye.

-Mel

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Anxiety ruins my life.

I just had a first date with this guy I’ve been talking to, for about a month.

I thought the date went well and I want to see him again.

But immediately, as soon as I said bye to him. My anxiety kicked in.

What if he didn’t like me? What if all the hype of meeting each other after many delayed dates wasn’t worth it for him? He didn’t really have too much physical interaction, wait he doesn’t like me?? Do first dates end with a kiss or hug? I don’t know. I guess he didn’t feel the same way??

What if he doesn’t text me anymore after tonight?

What if he ghosts me (like the other guys)?

What if?

What if ?

What if?

Why do you have to do this to me? Anxiety…why?

Why can’t I focus more on how handsome he is, his smile or his hug? The fact that he said, I’ll talk to you soon. Or that he responded to my text when I got home and texted him thank you for dinner.

No. Because anxiety has to f*cking ruin it.

I didn’t have too much anxiety all day prior to the date.

But anxiety was there waiting for me, as soon as I said bye to him.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my anxious mind diverting my mind towards overthinking and negative thoughts.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to feel like my life is going into a good direction. And not have suspicions that something bad is going to happen when life gets steady.

I hate you anxiety.

-Mel

I had a panic attack at my cousin’s wedding.

It’s been a couple of months since my last post.

But I thought it was important to share what happened on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

My last post talked about how I felt so out of place and felt like I didn’t belong in my family, when I was at the rehearsal dinner.

So naturally, I already had a lot of anxiety on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

I barely had sleep the night before and it added to the anxiety I already had. I could feel the anxiety of the day before the day even began.

I felt fine that morning, despite the lack of sleep. We spent the morning in the penthouse where all the women got their hair and make-up ready. I spent the majority of that time on my phone, which helped my anxiety. And after getting my make-up done and getting ready for the wedding. I thought I was going to be fine.

I did not know where to go, where to sit or stand before the ceremony. I felt so strange not having anyone to interact with….and my anxiety grew. I finally just sat where most of my relatives were and thought I would be okay.

I cried when the doors opened and I saw my beautiful cousin walk down the aisle. That moment really hit me. I felt a sudden rush of memories, from the time we were little to the present time, flashed before my eyes. I was really close to her when we were younger and like with everyone else, we got distant as we grew older.

Once the ceremony ended and the cocktail hour started. That’s when the anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know where to go. I felt my heart beating quickly and I started to feel so confused. Because I had no where to go and I had no where to escape.

I was guided to go outside to take photos with the family and the bride.

One moment that struck me was the girl cousins were all gathered and they called me in. And I thought it was for everyone & no one else came up with me. And I thought I made a mistake because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. I walked out and they were saying no I’m part of the picture.

It was a nice gesture to include me as part of a photo. But looking at the pictures now and seeing how I’m the only one that doesn’t have the same dress hurts. What hurts even more is looking at my smile in that photo. I was hurting so much, but I had to try so hard to fake that smile.

Once we were done, we took our seats for dinner. I was in the back and close to the bathrooms. I sat with my cousins, my cousins kids and my brother. So again, I thought I was fine.

But throughout dinner, everyone at my table would leave for various reasons. To help with the DJ, to take photo booth photos, to get a drink, to go outside and the two little girls were just running around. I would look around and see all the girl cousins at the photo booth together & that they all sat next to each other too. A majority of that dinner, I sat by myself in the corner. And that set my anxiety into high gear.

I didn’t know where to go. I could feel a panic attack coming. And I didn’t know what to do. I figured that it was best to go to the bathroom. And as soon as I closed that stall door, I started crying, hyperventilating and having a panic attack.

If I could, I would have stayed in that bathroom all night. It was the only place that felt safe.

I kept on going back and forth from my table to the bathroom to cry or continue my panic attack. Or the seats outside the bathroom, which didn’t feel too safe because everyone was coming in and out of there.

Towards the end of the night before the dancing began, I become overstimulated as well as having a panic attack. If I was at the table, I would cover my ears and close my eyes. If not, I was in the bathroom crying or sitting in the seats outside the bathroom covering my ears.

I couldn’t leave the venue on my own or even to step outside. We were in the heart of downtown and on a Friday night, it probably wasn’t safe for me to go outside on my own.

My mom could sense that I was very uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel (which was 2 blocks down). I said yes, hoping my dad would come too. But he stayed. My anxiety increased as my mom and I, walked two blocks in downtown. I was trying to speed walk/run to the hotel but couldn’t leave my mom behind.

Once we got to the hotel and got safely back to our hotel room, I felt like I was able to breathe again. Along with some donuts we had in our room, I felt a lot better.

I felt so uncomfortable in a wedding where half the guests were my family.

I prepared myself for weeks in therapy for that day.

But no matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to help my anxiety or help with my panic attack.

Ever since that day, I always think about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaids or maid of honors, and it breaks my heart. All my friendships and relationships with cousins diminished. And if they aren’t there for me for my tough mental days (or at least talk to me), then why would I have them as part of my “special” day??

I had to completely take myself out of my comfort zone for that wedding. If it wasn’t family, I wouldn’t have gone to that wedding.

I always have to sacrifice my mental health, my comfort level for my family. Going to family events when I feel uncomfortable.

I wish they would go out of their comfort zones for me. Ask me how I’m truly feeling, asking about mental health. If I have a panic attack, just being present. Or just including me in things as their family because they WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.

-Mel

I don’t feel like I belong in my family

I can’t sleep because all the anxiety I had being with relatives today.

I was at a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my cousin’s wedding.

I’m not part of the wedding. But since my parents are part of it, then I got to go. Same with the dinner.

I walked into the venue. Dressed in what I wore to work (a nice skirt and flats). I didn’t have time to change. And everyone was dressed up as if it were the wedding day. All the girls coincidentally wore spaghetti strap maxi dresses and heels. I immediately felt out of place.

Everyone was off in little groups here and there. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

A couple minutes in and I already felt like an outsider with my own family. But that wasn’t the first time.

I was preparing for the anxiety that I will have over this long family weekend. I had many therapy sessions about this. But the feeling of loneliness wasn’t anything that I prepared for.

Naturally my anxiety got worse over dinner. I was already exhausted from my morning with my students. I was feeling out of place at the rehearsals. And now I had to sit there for hours. And all I could do was be glued to my phone.

I hear all the girl cousins and the rest of the bridesmaid’s OOOHs and AWWS as they opened their bridesmaid gifts. I heard lots of loud conversations and laughter.

I immediately became overstimulated and overwhelmed from the environment.

At a point, I felt like the world was spinning around me. It was too much for me. I had to turn my body to the side, and put one hand up to my ear to lessen the volume. I had to whisper and repeat “ I am safe. I am safe. I am okay. It will be over soon.”

I have been dealing with being an outsider in my family for years. Just because I shared my mental health struggles over social media. And when my anxiety got too bad at family parties, I took time to take care of it.

I suddenly thought about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaid or maid of honor at my wedding. I’m crying as I type that.

I won’t have a wedding like how this wedding is. Not have bridesmaids or maid of honors. Not having people for a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Just because I don’t have anyone close to me.

Because they all pushed me away, just because I have depression and anxiety.

I push myself out of my comfort zone to be there for them. To be at places that I am not comfortable with. For them.

But they can’t go out of their comfort zone to have a conversation with me about my mental health. Or at least, be there for my physically. Or at least say “How are you doing?” And mean it.

I have 3 more days of family events.

What do I do ?

-Mel

My Mental Health is Getting Worse.

Hello there.

It’s been awhile. I actually don’t remember when I last wrote a post.

I’m at that point in the year, when I don’t know which year is worse ……2020 or 2021?

I just keep on getting HIT with so many unexpected circumstances.

And I just need a break.

You think one week will be “normal”, then you get unexpected news.

I think I always start my weekly therapy sessions with: “So something happened…” and it turns out to be completely different from what we’ve talked about the week before.

SO…

I’m Catholic and it’s been difficult to feel comfortable enough to go back to Church since COVID happened. It’s a hard transition from watching mass at home, to going to mass.

I’m trying to transition it back to my weekend routine.

I went to Mass yesterday and I didn’t know that it was going to be a pretty special mass.

It was a mass, specifically for mental health.

I wanted to cry, as they prayed for those who suffer from depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses.

They’re praying for me. They’re praying who others who also suffer from mental illness.

They also prayed for the family of those with mental illnesses to give them patience.

I’ve rarely heard mental illness being talked about in church.

We typically pray for those who physically sick.

But to have an entire service devoted to mental health, made me feel like I was supposed to be at that mass.

I needed that.

Because days before, I was just about to give up on life.

Honestly, it’s been really tough and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I had an incident that happened at work, that broke my heart. Because I have worked so hard (being a teacher) and to have someone do something like that…. is like a slap in the face.

But I know what’s going to happen on Tuesday during my therapy session,

“SO SOMETHING NEW HAPPENED….”

-MEL

The little Things Can Leave a HUGE Effect

It’s amazing how one small thing can escalate into multiple things, like a snowball effect.

It started off with a conversation from a student’s parent. I won’t share details but it had to deal with a “bully” problem, which wasn’t a bully problem. It was taken out of context. But any parent “concern” all comes down to me, because it’s my classroom and my students.

I’m already in a horrible condition. I’m currently in a deep depression. So any small comment, already pushes me to the point of “it’s my fault”.

I left work, drove home with a “Pop Punk” playlist, with songs during my “EMO”/Teen phase.

I thought it would make me feel nostalgic in a good way.

But I’m going through many things at the moment (along with depression), that the playlist added to the low condition that I was in.

My mind went from:

• Developmental stages & Bullying in Child Development

• To “I’m NOT OKAY”

• To thinking about the different friendships & relationships that have disappeared throughout my 31 years of life

• To “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”

• To “ISN’T IT WEIRD HOW ONE ACTION VERBAL & NON-VERBAL CAN HAVE A HUGE EFFECT ON MY LIFE”. (During therapy yesterday, I talked about the guy that I was talking to. And how upset I was that he didn’t communicate with me about plans that he made. He wanted to hang out with me, but didn’t text me. Without thinking about it, I was so emotional and started talking about how a friend from middle school was mad at me for texting her too much about plans. She asked me to hang out, she didn’t text & got mad at me for asking her about it. That one friend’s aggressive words towards me affected me in a different situation 17 years later).

• TO “I CAN’T BE A TEACHER ANYMORE” (I’ve been soo irritable lately from anxiety and I’m afraid that my actions or words will negatively affect one of my students later in life)

• TO ” I VALUE & CARE ABOUT EVERYONE THAT HAS CROSSED MY PATH BUT I DON’T RECEIVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF VALUE & CARE BACK”

• TO “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?” (again).

I arrived to my exit 20(ish) minutes later, I had to wipe my tears away coming home. I cried so much that I noticed my pants and my seat were wet from my tears.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE KIND TO EVERYONE YOU MEET.

BE KIND & SHOW PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT THEY ARE LOVED & APPRECIATED.

You never know if something you did to someone has positively or negatively affected someone.

A friend from middle school was upset with me for plans that she made & it gave me the same feeling of abandonment 17 years later when a guy that I was talking to, didn’t communicate with me about plans that he made.

That one small thing affected me in my adult life.

PLEASE BE KIND

-MEL

I Deserve Better.

It’s 4am on a work day. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep.

But I guess 4am is the time for realizations.

Yesterday was a very frustrating day at work. It was like, a tiny thing in the universe was out of sync and it made my students forget everything that they’ve learned and were OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

It was too much. Students talking back. Students not listening. One student hitting the teacher who gives me my lunch break (he had hit me the day before). Students running around in the class and just dumping all the toys on the tables and floors. It was like I was in an alternate universe.

Because I teach my students to be kind and respectful to their friends, teachers and to themselves.

And I absolutely lost my patience. I had to take away so many toys and raised my teacher voice to the highest level. It ended up giving me a migraine.

I spent last night going over what happened at work. And how I had to yell and raise my voice.

That’s not me. That’s not why I became a teacher.

I’ve had many issues at work, that I’ve shared so many times on this blog. And yes, I don’t know why I’m still working there. When it didn’t give me support for challenging students. We had an entire class that had so much high energy kids and we had one student that we had to constantly keep an eye on & had challenges with. And that I’m still having challenges with until this day.

When I spent the first month of the pandemic doing work fit for two teachers. Additionally, they gave me a weird break schedule when I was a solo teacher. Getting my AM breaks at around 10:45-11am. Getting my lunch at 12pm and not getting my PM breaks until 5pm (during that time we had to sanitize everything, so I only gave myself a 5 min break to catch up)

Then the teacher who has supported me throughout my time being a solo teacher, finally became my co-teacher. Then they put a f*cking wall in my class and we each had our own mini classrooms. Which has so many challenges because our schedule is rushed and we only have a bathroom on one side of the classroom (not my side). And we barely have any materials in our class, because they split up the materials unevenly.

And I went from having the same 7 kids for months to now having about 16 kids total. We had one or two added months later. Then we got 5 new/ returning kids in one week.

And I’m still having problems with my challenging student.

I need to start standing up for myself now.

I really need to leave. I’ve dealt with so much sh*t with this job. And no one really realizes how much I went through. And how hard I worked.

I deserve better.

I deserve a job that I can come to work and leave work feeling satisfied. I deserve a job not feeling frustrated or having a panic attack coming home from work. I deserve a job where I don’t worry about what’s going to happen. I deserve a job that makes me feel like, “yes this is what I’m supposed to be doing”. I deserve a job that doesn’t make me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted every single day.

Another thing also has happened since March.

I am 31 and finally realize that if a guy doesn’t have the same feelings for me, then I don’t need to change myself to make them like me. Also, I don’t need to put myself down when they don’t have the same feelings for me.

I’ve talked to two guys throughout this pandemic.

Both had the intention of wanting to sleep with me. Nothing more.

The first guy I talked to for months before we finally were able to meet up. Then I began to have feelings for him. I wanted to be honest and tell him, instead of hiding my feelings. After I told him my feelings, he only messaged me once. And after a week of making myself feel like I’m not good enough, I decided to “leave” (aka unmatch).

You would think that made me feel better.

However…

Now that I had experienced communicating with someone on a daily basis. I didn’t like the feeling of not receiving any messages and not having someone to talk to.

I tried to fill that void and tried to talk to other guys. I didn’t want to feel lonely again. But in reality, I wasn’t really lonely. Because I’ve spent years not having someone to talk to. It was just a nice feeling of being able to communicate with someone again.

I talked to another guy and I’ve talked to him for weeks.

We FaceTimed the other night for the first time and suddenly he doesn’t message me. (Yes, I know it’s only been one day). After talking to him, I realized that he’s pretty cute and I liked talking to him. Then he doesn’t message the following day.

And I spent all day: replaying our conversation in my head. And kept on criticizing myself for things I said and thought maybe I should of said this instead.

I hated having that feeling of: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

I guess waking up at 4am was helpful. Because it clicked.

What am I doing?

Why am I only talking to guys who are only interested in me because they want to sleep with me? They butter me up by talking to me and probably acting like their interested in me. Once they are get what want, then they suddenly aren’t interested in talking to me.

I deserve better.

I deserve a guy who likes me for me. I deserve a guy that I don’t have to change myself to make them like me. I deserve a guy who I trust and trusts me back.

I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me worried about my actions and doesn’t makes me question “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?”

I’m not saying that I am the best person in the world and deserve the best things in life.

But I work hard. I’m a kind person. I think about others more than myself.

I deserve better than a job that negatively affects my mental and physical health. A job that makes me lose my passion for working in the education field.

I deserve better than guys who want nothing more than to sleep with me. I deserve a good guy who likes me, simply for me.

I need to walk away & know that I am so much better than others making me question my own self-worth.

My alarm just went off.

Time to start a new day. Not with a new perspectives on my life.

I deserve better.

-Mel

Trauma & Changes.

These past two weeks have been hard for me: emotionally, mentally and physically.

My week off was far from relaxing and my week back was overwhelming.

The very first day of my “vacation”, I decided to share my feelings towards this guy I’ve been talking to. I started to have feelings for him & I knew that his feelings weren’t reciprocal. To prevent my feelings from getting hurt, I decided to tell him earlier than later. I wanted to do it during my week off, that way I can give myself at least two days to feel hurt and cry about it. Then I could move on.

But that didn’t happen.

He messaged me once after I told him my feelings. Then he didn’t talk to me at all. I constantly checked my phone to see if he responded. And I couldn’t cry about it. I was numb. I started to have these feelings that I haven’t had in 10 years (when I had my last relationship).

I started to think:

• He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore
• He’s probably talking to someone else.
• Did I do or say something that makes him less attracted to me?
• Why isn’t he messaging me back?
• And lastly, WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

When I had that last thought, that really hit me.

I thought, “WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING?”

WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THAT?

I hated it. I hated feeling that way.

I took a step back and tried to decipher all my feelings & why I was suddenly feeling this way.

I follow a lot of mental health advocates, therapists, specialists, etc. on Instagram. I’ve noticed that the word “trauma” popped up a lot on my feed. And I started to relate to those trauma posts.

When I think about trauma, I think about PTSD or a traumatic event like rape or a natural disaster. I didn’t think that I had trauma or even close to having trauma because I didn’t have any major experiences like that.

I looked at the definition of trauma and saw that it is an harmful event that can have an effect on a person many years later.

I believe that I experienced two types of events in my life that caused trauma:

1. When my grandmother passed away when I was 14. The grief I experienced turned into depression.
2. The two times that I experienced heartbreak. They both cheated on me, broke up with me to single. But got in a relationship with the other girl. And one of them blamed me for the breakup. The heartbreak I experienced also turned into depression.

Those two types of events have impacted me throughout my life in different ways.

I decided to have a consultation with a Trauma-Informed Coach. She told me more information about trauma. Because I still didn’t enough knowledge about it. I told her and my therapist about trauma. I told them that it was strange how those feelings of not being “good enough” came back 10 years later.

After being single for so long, I wanted to improve my communication in relationships and become stronger when it didn’t work out. Because I didn’t like those feelings I had 10 years ago.

I didn’t like that I belittled myself because I wasn’t “good enough” for my exes.

Now I know that those breakups did affect me with relationships and feelings for guys. Now I know that it’s trauma.

That week off and having those thoughts really messed me up. I was supposed to be “relaxing” all week. But those thoughts overpowered those relaxing moments. I barely ate that week and it turned into not having an appetite. Also, I felt sick trying to “force” myself to eat. And then insomnia came back…I would wake up at 3 or 4. The only good thing about that is when I would watch the sun rise.

I didn’t have anything to focus on. I was alone with my thoughts.

I was looking forward to go back to work. I wanted to be busy and have something to focus on.

Then…I went to work. And everything changed….LITERALLY.

My classroom split into two. They put a wall in the middle and made two classes in one classroom. And now my new co-teacher and I had our own mini classrooms (COVID-19 changed so many rules on ratios).

I had a long trek of being a solo teacher, getting help and trying to get her to be my co-teacher. And then they’re just going to “take her” away from me before she works full-time. I was angry. Also, they moved everything around and I had no clue where everything was.

The changes in the classroom became stressful, then my student’s behaviors became overwhelming on top of that.

I had a therapy session on Wednesday during my lunch. She asked me how I was and I started to talk about work. I spent about 5 mins explaining what’s happening at work. I was talking fast and didn’t take a breath in between words and sentences. She talked to me about it and I started to cry. She talked about how much work is having an impact on me mentally. We did some breathing exercises because I really couldn’t breathe from all the work I was doing and the anxiety that came with it.

I really need to get away from this job. It made me lose my passion for teaching.

& it’s really sad.

That one student, one class, a lack of support and unappreciative parents can make me lose my love for teaching.

I’m scared for what this week will bring.

But there’s nothing that I could do.

There’s nothing I could do about the guy not communicating with me, after I told him my feelings. It’s his decision.

There’s nothing I could do about my work dividing my classroom into two and working solo again as a teacher. It’s their decision.

These two decisions made by others affected me a lot these past few weeks.

But I just have to deal with it right now and figure out the best decisions to move forward.

-Mel

4 AM

This is the THIRD Saturday in a row where I have woken up at 4am.

No nightmares. Not feeling too cold or too hot. No loud noises waking me up.

Just naturally waking up at 4am.

And I wrote my previous post around 11pm last night and fell asleep around 12:45am.

So yea… I didn’t get too much sleep.

Now it’s a thing for Saturday’s now…

And I couldn’t understand why.

I’ve had bad insomnia before where I would wake up or sleep at the same time every night. There was one summer when I fell asleep at 5am everyday. Or one phase when I would sleep at 11pm, wake up at 1am and go back to sleep on a daily basis.

Having the same sleeping schedule is normal when it’s on a daily basis. But this occasion is weird, its EVERY SATURDAY AT 4am. Not Friday then Saturday. Specifically every Saturday. Between 4-4:30am. No matter what time I slept the night before. I still woke up around 4am.

And what’s one thing you do when you’re confused about something? You Google it!

So I typed in waking up at 4am.

And apparently… waking up at 4am. Specifically the hour of 4am has something to do with breathing and the lungs. And it also can mean sadness, feeling disappointed, just depression in general.

And now I get it. I generally have a hard time being able to breathe lately because my anxiety gets really bad. So that explains the breathing and lungs part.

And uh…the last post written a couple of hours ago said I wanted to kill myself. So the sadness and depression explains it too.

I just don’t understand why every Saturday. Like I’m glad it’s a Saturday and not a work day. Running on less than 4 hours of sleep being a Pre K teacher wouldn’t be the best thing. So I’m glad my body decides to do it on the weekend, so I could either sleep in or take a nap.

I’ve been feeling small amounts of depression here or there in the past couple of weeks. And my body is physically reacting to it.

And it’s almost 6am now….

Now what?

-Mel

Why am I still here?

I’m going to be honest here.

And say that at this moment,

I’m crying and having a hard time breathing.

I usually wait until after a panic attack or suicidal thoughts to write these.

But I need to say everything that I’m feeling in the state that I’m currently in.

I don’t want to be here anymore. And I have these thoughts so many times and I never act upon it.

Why? Why am I still here?

Why didn’t I follow my plan and kill myself before I turned 18?

Maybe I thought my life would get better.

But I was wrong, I turn 31 in a couple of weeks.

And I hate my life so much.

And I don’t like admitting that. Because I know people are having worse problems than I do.

I hate myself. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I am impatient I am when it comes to people texting or messaging back. I hate how things got worse after graduating college.

I hate how scared I am to do things.

Why? why did I stay alive?

I still think about that one day when I was so fucking depressed. And I had a plan to kill myself. And I told my parents that I wasn’t going to a family party because I didn’t feel good… so I can kill myself. And I got yelled at and had to go. I had a plan. And I really wanted to do it.

Life wasn’t worth it.

And I never feel like I’m good enough. Wasn’t good enough for my past boyfriends because they left me for other girls. Never good enough my mom.

Not good enough for my friends and cousins. Because I shared about my mental health and they decide to stop talking to me.

I want this pain to end.

I want to kill myself because I want this pain to end.

The pain of not being satisfied with my career path. The pain of being lonely because people leave. The pain of not accomplishing your goals by the time I reached my 30s. I’ve been in my 30s for almost a year now and I fully regret not killing myself when I was 18.

It wasn’t worth it.

I thought things would get better. But it’s not and I have to pretend every fucking day that I’m okay.

I’m not.

And yet, I still won’t kill myself.

I’m going to stay alive.

Why? I don’t know