Uncertainty, Gloomy Weather, Lightheadedness and Just Trying to Survive the Day.

Tomorrow is the start of September.

And I honestly don’t know how August just suddenly ended. Because I feel like I didn’t fully experience this month.

It was a crazy month.

It became a month of uncertainty.

I didn’t know what each day consisted of. And there were nights where I would worry on what could possibly happen the next day.

This month began with major changes at work. My co-teacher had her last week of her two week notice. Which turned into 1.5 days because she sprained her ankle and couldn’t go into work. Then in that same week… we had 6 transitions ( aka new students in our class) start on the SAME DAY. And it wasn’t the most easy-going students. Lots of attitude and lots of “NO”. At the same time, the last few older students in our class were not being good examples to our newer friends. Chaos would be the best word to describe the atmosphere in the classroom.

There was one day, where 10 minutes before my shift, I was having a panic attack. And 5 minutes before my shift, I had to quickly calm myself down and stop my panic attack.

I was just trying to survive each day. Nothing more. Just trying to survive. All in one week, new students and my co-teacher leaving.

And the uncertainty of who would be helping me in the class. It became a game of: is this sub going to be helpful or not?

Then somehow the universe gave us a break. A student got the virus. And our classroom was closed to the students that were directly exposed.

For the past two weeks, we had a quiet classroom. The most kids we had were 7. I got to declutter and change the entire classroom to a system that makes sense. We set rules and classroom management to start fresh when everyone came back.

That was a example of a good uncertainty that occurred.

However, with all the bad uncertainty that happened. It deeply affected how my body felt. Every weekend, it felt like my body was screaming at me to take a break. I would get lightheaded, dizzy, extreme fatigue and nausea.

Then the weather kept on changing which affected my physical health even more, plus my mood.

We had many dark, gloomy and random rainy days. Which is uncommon for us during this time of year. There were some hot days sprinkled in between. But the change in weather made me feel under the weather (not Covid related). But having a dry cough only in the morning and then disappearing in the afternoon.

Then I went on a date with someone and no matter how much I prepped my mental health for that date. I immediately became anxious the moment the date ended. To the point where I didn’t sleep that night because the worries would not stop. Nothing could stop it or distract it. I don’t know what triggered it, because I felt like the date went well. Even my therapist asked, what happened?? She thought I was mentally and emotionally ready to date. And I thought so too. But I guess I wasn’t.

Today was a pretty good representation of my August.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I randomly woke up at 3. Then at 5am, the power went out & I hear my parents in the hallway arguing on how to open the garage with no power. An hour later, the power finally came back.

Then I went to work and it was full of emotions. Many kids came back from their two weeks “off”. It felt like everyone was crying and sad for the smallest thing. And it felt like every 15 minutes, someone was crying. I was not fully awake to deal with all the emotions.

Then the sub was late coming back from lunch. Then it pushed back my co-workers lunch and furthermore, my lunch. And I couldn’t go to lunch late because I had therapy during my lunch. I was NOT going to miss my therapy session. With most students napping, I got the go-ahead to leave my lunch on time leaving the sub in the class.

BUT of course, 5 minutes before my lunch. One student wakes up crying for mom and asks to go to the bathroom. Her cry is so loud, it wakes up two students. Then 1 minute before my lunch, one of those students said that she needed to change. So I had to bring her to the bathroom and change everything. Then once I was finished, she starts crying and missing mom. And the sub couldn’t help because she had to sit with one student who was having a hard nap time.

So I could just hear crying and screaming in my class as I’m leaving. But I was not going to miss therapy, I needed it.

Then being extremely sleepy and not having a lunch, I was just over it. And just trying to survive !

Then I get home (aka a millennial who can’t afford her own place and has to live with her parents), and my mom is in the worst mood. And furthermore, transfers that negative energy to my dad. And all they did was argue the rest of the night. And when they argue, they don’t even listen to what the other one is saying. Which ends up with my mom crying.

I had no sleep, a day with half my class crying. I don’t need a household filled with: anger, tension, crying and yelling.

I don’t know what September will bring.

Because that’s my life.

But I’m going to try to literally take things one day at a time, one hour at a time.

If I just need to survive the day, then that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been at rock bottom already this year. And it’s been a horrible feeling.

I’m trying to push through and get away from that direction.

I’m gonna sleep.

Bye.

-Mel

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Anxiety ruins my life.

I just had a first date with this guy I’ve been talking to, for about a month.

I thought the date went well and I want to see him again.

But immediately, as soon as I said bye to him. My anxiety kicked in.

What if he didn’t like me? What if all the hype of meeting each other after many delayed dates wasn’t worth it for him? He didn’t really have too much physical interaction, wait he doesn’t like me?? Do first dates end with a kiss or hug? I don’t know. I guess he didn’t feel the same way??

What if he doesn’t text me anymore after tonight?

What if he ghosts me (like the other guys)?

What if?

What if ?

What if?

Why do you have to do this to me? Anxiety…why?

Why can’t I focus more on how handsome he is, his smile or his hug? The fact that he said, I’ll talk to you soon. Or that he responded to my text when I got home and texted him thank you for dinner.

No. Because anxiety has to f*cking ruin it.

I didn’t have too much anxiety all day prior to the date.

But anxiety was there waiting for me, as soon as I said bye to him.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my anxious mind diverting my mind towards overthinking and negative thoughts.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to feel like my life is going into a good direction. And not have suspicions that something bad is going to happen when life gets steady.

I hate you anxiety.

-Mel

I had a panic attack at my cousin’s wedding.

It’s been a couple of months since my last post.

But I thought it was important to share what happened on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

My last post talked about how I felt so out of place and felt like I didn’t belong in my family, when I was at the rehearsal dinner.

So naturally, I already had a lot of anxiety on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

I barely had sleep the night before and it added to the anxiety I already had. I could feel the anxiety of the day before the day even began.

I felt fine that morning, despite the lack of sleep. We spent the morning in the penthouse where all the women got their hair and make-up ready. I spent the majority of that time on my phone, which helped my anxiety. And after getting my make-up done and getting ready for the wedding. I thought I was going to be fine.

I did not know where to go, where to sit or stand before the ceremony. I felt so strange not having anyone to interact with….and my anxiety grew. I finally just sat where most of my relatives were and thought I would be okay.

I cried when the doors opened and I saw my beautiful cousin walk down the aisle. That moment really hit me. I felt a sudden rush of memories, from the time we were little to the present time, flashed before my eyes. I was really close to her when we were younger and like with everyone else, we got distant as we grew older.

Once the ceremony ended and the cocktail hour started. That’s when the anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know where to go. I felt my heart beating quickly and I started to feel so confused. Because I had no where to go and I had no where to escape.

I was guided to go outside to take photos with the family and the bride.

One moment that struck me was the girl cousins were all gathered and they called me in. And I thought it was for everyone & no one else came up with me. And I thought I made a mistake because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. I walked out and they were saying no I’m part of the picture.

It was a nice gesture to include me as part of a photo. But looking at the pictures now and seeing how I’m the only one that doesn’t have the same dress hurts. What hurts even more is looking at my smile in that photo. I was hurting so much, but I had to try so hard to fake that smile.

Once we were done, we took our seats for dinner. I was in the back and close to the bathrooms. I sat with my cousins, my cousins kids and my brother. So again, I thought I was fine.

But throughout dinner, everyone at my table would leave for various reasons. To help with the DJ, to take photo booth photos, to get a drink, to go outside and the two little girls were just running around. I would look around and see all the girl cousins at the photo booth together & that they all sat next to each other too. A majority of that dinner, I sat by myself in the corner. And that set my anxiety into high gear.

I didn’t know where to go. I could feel a panic attack coming. And I didn’t know what to do. I figured that it was best to go to the bathroom. And as soon as I closed that stall door, I started crying, hyperventilating and having a panic attack.

If I could, I would have stayed in that bathroom all night. It was the only place that felt safe.

I kept on going back and forth from my table to the bathroom to cry or continue my panic attack. Or the seats outside the bathroom, which didn’t feel too safe because everyone was coming in and out of there.

Towards the end of the night before the dancing began, I become overstimulated as well as having a panic attack. If I was at the table, I would cover my ears and close my eyes. If not, I was in the bathroom crying or sitting in the seats outside the bathroom covering my ears.

I couldn’t leave the venue on my own or even to step outside. We were in the heart of downtown and on a Friday night, it probably wasn’t safe for me to go outside on my own.

My mom could sense that I was very uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel (which was 2 blocks down). I said yes, hoping my dad would come too. But he stayed. My anxiety increased as my mom and I, walked two blocks in downtown. I was trying to speed walk/run to the hotel but couldn’t leave my mom behind.

Once we got to the hotel and got safely back to our hotel room, I felt like I was able to breathe again. Along with some donuts we had in our room, I felt a lot better.

I felt so uncomfortable in a wedding where half the guests were my family.

I prepared myself for weeks in therapy for that day.

But no matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to help my anxiety or help with my panic attack.

Ever since that day, I always think about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaids or maid of honors, and it breaks my heart. All my friendships and relationships with cousins diminished. And if they aren’t there for me for my tough mental days (or at least talk to me), then why would I have them as part of my “special” day??

I had to completely take myself out of my comfort zone for that wedding. If it wasn’t family, I wouldn’t have gone to that wedding.

I always have to sacrifice my mental health, my comfort level for my family. Going to family events when I feel uncomfortable.

I wish they would go out of their comfort zones for me. Ask me how I’m truly feeling, asking about mental health. If I have a panic attack, just being present. Or just including me in things as their family because they WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.

-Mel

I don’t feel like I belong in my family

I can’t sleep because all the anxiety I had being with relatives today.

I was at a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my cousin’s wedding.

I’m not part of the wedding. But since my parents are part of it, then I got to go. Same with the dinner.

I walked into the venue. Dressed in what I wore to work (a nice skirt and flats). I didn’t have time to change. And everyone was dressed up as if it were the wedding day. All the girls coincidentally wore spaghetti strap maxi dresses and heels. I immediately felt out of place.

Everyone was off in little groups here and there. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

A couple minutes in and I already felt like an outsider with my own family. But that wasn’t the first time.

I was preparing for the anxiety that I will have over this long family weekend. I had many therapy sessions about this. But the feeling of loneliness wasn’t anything that I prepared for.

Naturally my anxiety got worse over dinner. I was already exhausted from my morning with my students. I was feeling out of place at the rehearsals. And now I had to sit there for hours. And all I could do was be glued to my phone.

I hear all the girl cousins and the rest of the bridesmaid’s OOOHs and AWWS as they opened their bridesmaid gifts. I heard lots of loud conversations and laughter.

I immediately became overstimulated and overwhelmed from the environment.

At a point, I felt like the world was spinning around me. It was too much for me. I had to turn my body to the side, and put one hand up to my ear to lessen the volume. I had to whisper and repeat “ I am safe. I am safe. I am okay. It will be over soon.”

I have been dealing with being an outsider in my family for years. Just because I shared my mental health struggles over social media. And when my anxiety got too bad at family parties, I took time to take care of it.

I suddenly thought about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaid or maid of honor at my wedding. I’m crying as I type that.

I won’t have a wedding like how this wedding is. Not have bridesmaids or maid of honors. Not having people for a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Just because I don’t have anyone close to me.

Because they all pushed me away, just because I have depression and anxiety.

I push myself out of my comfort zone to be there for them. To be at places that I am not comfortable with. For them.

But they can’t go out of their comfort zone to have a conversation with me about my mental health. Or at least, be there for my physically. Or at least say “How are you doing?” And mean it.

I have 3 more days of family events.

What do I do ?

-Mel

My Mental Health is Getting Worse.

Hello there.

It’s been awhile. I actually don’t remember when I last wrote a post.

I’m at that point in the year, when I don’t know which year is worse ……2020 or 2021?

I just keep on getting HIT with so many unexpected circumstances.

And I just need a break.

You think one week will be “normal”, then you get unexpected news.

I think I always start my weekly therapy sessions with: “So something happened…” and it turns out to be completely different from what we’ve talked about the week before.

SO…

I’m Catholic and it’s been difficult to feel comfortable enough to go back to Church since COVID happened. It’s a hard transition from watching mass at home, to going to mass.

I’m trying to transition it back to my weekend routine.

I went to Mass yesterday and I didn’t know that it was going to be a pretty special mass.

It was a mass, specifically for mental health.

I wanted to cry, as they prayed for those who suffer from depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses.

They’re praying for me. They’re praying who others who also suffer from mental illness.

They also prayed for the family of those with mental illnesses to give them patience.

I’ve rarely heard mental illness being talked about in church.

We typically pray for those who physically sick.

But to have an entire service devoted to mental health, made me feel like I was supposed to be at that mass.

I needed that.

Because days before, I was just about to give up on life.

Honestly, it’s been really tough and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I had an incident that happened at work, that broke my heart. Because I have worked so hard (being a teacher) and to have someone do something like that…. is like a slap in the face.

But I know what’s going to happen on Tuesday during my therapy session,

“SO SOMETHING NEW HAPPENED….”

-MEL

I’m Fooling Myself.

I lied.

I wrote a post this morning and basically deceived myself thinking that I’m okay. And going through all these obstacles is okay. And it’s not.

Today was hard. And it was supposed to be an easy day. I got stuck in traffic, which we haven’t had traffic in the mornings for about a year due to the pandemic. When I saw the traffic, I immediately “OF COURSE this would happen” (sarcastically and angry at the same time). I just barely made it to grab some coffee and get to work on time.

My co-teacher next door was out sick , same with my reliable floater teacher. So I had to help with the sub and an assistant teacher from a different classroom (that doesn’t spend too much time in our classes). I was worried about how her students would react, but they were fine. And it was my class that had a difficult time. Literally, nothing changed in our classroom and they acted like our routines didn’t exist and that it was okay to not listen to me. I was frustrated.

I’m already having a hard week with family contracting COVID and in the hospital. And worrying about them and the rest of my relatives.

Then my f*cking therapy session got cut short due to connection issues.
Work has been more frustrating than ever.

I’ll probably write a blog post about it on Saturday (when it’s exactly a year that my life changed due to COVID).

But I’ve been teaching during a pandemic…by myself….for a year.

It doesn’t get any easier.

And I really understand why so many teachers have quit, especially in the past year.

It’s soo hard.

It’s not fair. I know that every teacher has different experiences teaching during this time.

But thinking about my experience in the past year, it was not fair. And it’s not okay. And it’s not okay that I stayed and continue to stay.

I’m not okay.

What I’ve been through is not okay.

What I’m going through is not okay.

& I need to stop thinking that things will get better someday. It sounds harsh, but it has NOT gotten better. And I’m just fooling myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I’m just going through the same f*cking cycle over and over again.

There’s no light.

What’s terrifies me is that I see all these posts about people getting engaged, married or having a baby.

And I don’t see that for myself.

I don’t think I’ll ever get married.

Or start a family.

And that’s all I wanted since I was about 5 years old.

I don’t understand why I get put in these stressful situations.
I don’t understand why people just leave me with no explanation.

I don’t understand why these things happen to me.

I don’t understand.

I want to feel better.

But I need to stop fooling myself that I’m okay and things will get better.

Because the more I fool myself, then the more that I’ll feel worse and things won’t get better.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

-MEL

I WANT A BREAK FROM MYSELF.

I think I posted awhile back about writing letters to people in my life, without actually sending it to them. It was a way to let out my feelings for someone and an outlet to express what I would like to tell someone.

There are many reasons why I don’t send it. And basically, I would think “nothing will change if I share this letter to them”.

I was accepting the fact that the guy that I was talking to….stopped talking to me. I accepted reality, and I was numb for awhile. My therapist last week told me to write a “letter” to him and see if anything else comes up when I write it. For the longest time, I didn’t want to write it. I felt “fine”/numb and I’ve cried so much in the past couple of weeks. I didn’t want to open up that box again and let those feelings out. I just wanted to pretend I was okay for as long as I could.

During those times, I just wanted to add another factor to distract my mind from that guy. So I just downloaded dating apps again, JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE. This is what happens when you don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to.

Tonight, I was just scrolling along. And yup….there was the guy that I was talking to.

(Little or more like BIG back story: We had been talking since November. Met on a dating app. I didn’t think he was too interested in me since he barely responded. But he asked me to hang out and we did. We talked on and off afterwards. We would Facetime once a week. Then on my winter break, we met up again. I had no idea how he felt about me and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about him as well. But then we kissed, and it felt right. Like it felt like there were “sparks”. We tried to meet up a couple of times afterwards, but after a couple COVID scares, we couldn’t see each other. We Face timed and HE was the one that said that we should see each other over the 3 day weekend. But he didn’t text me, he never communicated with me at all during that weekend. I had a rough work week prior to the long weekend and depression came back into my life. I texted him the following Wednesday because I wanted to give the last word. I said that I wish he would just let me know if he couldn’t hang out. (Common courtesy to contact someone when you made plans with them). If it was at all, my fault that I apologize. Wished him well. He replied that he apologized and that he was going through some personal things. Also, that we should talk sometime and go over things. Well it’s been almost 2 weeks later and we haven’t talked. And now I see him on Tinder…..).

So I wrote a letter to him that I won’t send.

As I was writing the letter, I suddenly became overwhelmed.

And I said “CAN I JUST TAKE A BREAK FROM ME? PLEASE!”

I want a break from my life, from my house, my job…..my mind and my thoughts.

I just need to get away. Not anywhere in particular. Just away from myself.

I have been recording myself lately while I cry, have a panic attack, get depressed.

Because I just want to see something that others don’t see.

I know it’s me….but it’s so heartbreaking.

Sometimes I do a time lapse and I can see when my heart completely breaks as I’m writing.

For GOODNESS SAKES,

JUST BE KIND TO ANYONE YOU MEET. BE RESPECTFUL.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ANYONE IS GOING THROUGH.
YOU THINK THAT YOU NOT CONTACTING SOMEONE ISN’T A BIG DEAL, BUT WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THAT PERSON’S LIFE DOESN’T CONTACT THEM AS WELL.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL.

I don’t know what to do anymore…

Thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow.

-MEL

Taking A Day Off…From my Mental Health

Welp…

Last week was overwhelming.

I was:

• Irritable
• Depressed
• Overwhelmed
• Suicidal
• Anxious
• Frustrated
• GAVE UP.

I was supposed to have plans over the long weekend last weekend with someone, but they didn’t reply to my messages.

And I was left wondering “WHAT HAPPENED?” as expressed in my last post.

That’s when I decided I needed a break from my MENTAL HEALTH.

I’m still anxious, depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, irritable. But I’m choosing to distract myself just enough to not endure those feelings.

It’s not healthy. BUT I NEED A BREAK.

I cried so much within the past week, more than I had in the past 4 months.

I cried so much that I felt so NUMB to emotions after that. I was upset, but I couldn’t express it. I was frustrated, but my mind/facial expressions went blank.

Yesterday was the perfect weather to have a day off from my mental health. It was gray, cloudy, cold and raining. To be honest, my favorite type of weather because I like to feel cozy with blankets and listen to the rain. I took my time cleaning and doing laundry. I painted and drew while watching some movies that I loved. I took a break from my phone, turning it off and putting it in a different room.

I know that I would be upset, looking at my phone and not seeing any texts.

So I had to take myself back to reality and basically slap myself (figuratively).

You want that person to text you back. You overthink and analyze all the things you’ve said. You think of all the worst possible situations. You think of the thought…..that person is never texting you back.

& YOU THINK HOW CAN I RECOVER and MOVE ON WHEN ALL THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t even predict what can happen. Because anything can happen.

Sure. I do get disappointed when I don’t get a notification of a text message. (I literally checked my phone and I told myself, “yup no text message”).

But I need to give myself a plan, before I start making decisions irrationally.

I texted multiple times last week, just out of sheer frustration last week.

I need to get a plan going.

If they don’t text/respond within a week’s time from the past text, let’s delete the texts and move on.

I’m tired of wondering.

I’m tired of hoping.

I’m tired of hoping things will get better. From what happened last year and now the beginning of this year, we have no f*cking clue what will happen.

I just need to start doing things for myself, for my mental health and begin moving on.

-MEL

I’m Waiting for Something Bad to Happen…

(Let’s do a NO EDIT, write everything down post).

How many times can I say how F*CKING HORRIBLE THIS YEAR WAS?!

It just doesn’t seem real. And looking back, I think… “WAIT, THAT WAS ALL IN 8 MONTHS”.

With what’s going on in the world and with myself.

It really has affected me to the point where I’m just WAITING FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN.

It makes me so sad that I let other people’s actions, words, even what they don’t do or don’t say affect me and my self-worth.

It makes me so sad.

I know that I’m a good and kind person. I know that I work hard and do my best.

But I don’t believe that I am.

And it gets to the point where my mind plays tricks on me and makes me overthink every little thing. And it makes me observe what other’s do or say and then my mind makes assumptions and thinks that everyone is out to destroy me.

I had a therapy session today.

And I was expressing how nervous/anxious I am for the holidays and being with my relatives.

It is something that we are going to work out in next week’s sessions.

And the thing that struck out to me was that she pointed out how those times with family doesn’t make me happy, it makes me anxious. Those weren’t the exact words, but it’s something along those lines.

And thus the whole thought of letting others affect me.

There were so many moments this year, when I couldn’t help but break down and cry.

It just felt like, it wasn’t fair. I just kept on getting hit with so many bad circumstances. I didn’t understand WHY.

I remember a couple of months ago. When I talked to this one guy after many failed attempts with other guys. We talked for a month and I started to be like, “hey this guy is pretty great”. And then all of a sudden, he stopped talking to me. After two days, he texted to me to say that his ex called him and they talked about their relationship. So he needed to think about it, so he stopped talking to me to really consider his thoughts and feelings. And I was just thinking, are you kidding me….out of all the times you could have called him about your feelings. It had to be now!!

This was during a time, where work started to settle down. I felt like I wasn’t as stressed anymore. I stopped thinking about that other guy and wasn’t hurt by what happened. And my life was finally okay, for being a sh*tty year.

And then he asked me to call him one day on my lunch break. Before I got that message, I already had strong feelings about it. I was visually upset before he texted me. My co-worker could already tell that I was feeling off and I wasn’t mentally there. After his call, I went back to work and she immediately asked if I was okay. And I just shook my head no and I started crying.

She could tell right away that something was wrong and I wasn’t okay.

And of course, with everything with work. That’s another story.

Oh and one of the most random BAD COINCIDENCES,

When the sleep study test didn’t work the first time. I remember thinking, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME….THIS TOO?”

That’s why I’m so scared.

What’s going to happen next? There HAS to be something that just tops everything else that has happened this year.

And my mind keeps on making up bad “WHAT IF” scenarios in my head. And it’s killing me.

I feel like I’m on edge, every day. Just waiting for something bad to happen.

And that’s just sad, it’s a horrible feeling.

Last Friday, I had a half day off. And honestly, getting off early was the happiest I’ve felt in a long time. I was worried about my students while driving, but then I was immediately glad that I had a break from them.

I decided to go to one of my favorite shopping centers? I’m not sure if that’s what it is. It had all my favorite food places and I knew from instagram, that they added alot of outdoor seating. So I mobile ordered some Shake Shack and ate outside. It was cool and breezy, it felt amazing to have some fresh air. Then I decided to treat myself to a couple of cupcakes from this bakery that I love.

I felt different that day. It was so nice to feel so positive about things and just not having any worries for a couple of hours.

I brought my journal that day to write some things down. And I kinda noticed how I only focused on the negative things that have happened this year. And how I have ignored all the progress that I’ve made.

Now thinking about it, I think I’ve ignored all the progress because I’m scared. I’m scared of having something mess up all the hard work I’ve accomplished.

I’m tired of being scared.

I’m tired of waiting for something bad to happen.

I’m tired of viewing myself so negatively because of others.

I’m tired of using others actions as an excuse of how I view myself.

I’m tired of ignoring my achievements and progress because I’m scared that it will be taken away from me.
I’m tired of my mind making “What If” scenarios in my head to mess with me.

I’m tired of myself….that I listen to my “What if” scenarios and it makes me even more anxious and depressed.

I’m tired.

I’m tired physically.

I’m tired mentally.

& I’m tired emotionally.

I need a break from everything. From work, from family, from myself, from my thoughts.

I just want to breathe.

-MEL

Progress:Therapy

2020….YUP.

It just continues to surprise me.

I started my therapy sessions on the 1st of July and I’ve had a session every week since then.

In my previous experiences with therapy, I would either go to therapy every other week, then at least once a month. And overall, it would last 2-3 months.

There has been a big difference between my three experiences of therapy.

My first therapy experience was when I was 21. Fresh out of a breakup, I went to therapy after falling into a deep depression. With it being my first experience, I didn’t have any knowledge of: depression, anxiety or therapy. I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish in therapy and I didn’t think of any specific goals.

After my therapist immediately diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder. I also began seeing a psychiatrist and was prescribed antidepressants. It was overwhelming. The world of mental health was new to me and then being hit with therapy appointments/psychiatrist appointments weekly and taking medicine daily was too much for me. Since I didn’t have the knowledge of mental health and understanding my own struggles, I thought it was normal for my therapist to give me “advice” like friends and family do. “Oh you just need to stop thinking about it”. My psychiatrist was more understanding of my feelings, but the medication that I was prescribed made me physically feel worse.

After having two different types of appointments weekly and getting a prescription, it took a toll on me financially. During that time, I was working less because I was going to school. And then it was December and I was struggling financially. I was going to community college and I had to register and PAY for my classes for the next semester. I was buying Christmas presents. Also, I was going to the Philippines for 3 weeks, which meant not working for 3 weeks. So I made the decision to stop going to therapy because I couldn’t afford it anymore. PLUS why pay for someone to tell me to “stop thinking about it”, when I get it for free from family and friends.

My second experience with therapy was last year, before I turned 30. I was stuck in the phase of working with one job and waiting for my new job. Which took 6 months. I had a lot of anxiety and frustration with my previous job. And I began having anxiety which was something that I didn’t know how to cope with.

I decided to start trying therapy again. It was very difficult during that time to find a therapist that either had: online/evening/weekend sessions. Also, trying to find a therapist that took my insurance. So after months of searching, I was finally able to find ONE. That therapist worked with children as well. So a majority of our sessions, I was talking about work and the behavior of some students that I had. Our sessions felt like I was venting to a friend. Which was kinda nice, because I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. However, I felt like I wasn’t able to find coping mechanisms for my anxiety and panic attacks.

Then I finally got the call that I was going to start the new (aka my current job). Additionally, I was in between health insurances with one ending and waiting for the new one to process. These therapy sessions was way more than I could afford. After going every other week, I had to go every 3 weeks. When I was in between health insurance, the therapist didn’t accept my new one. And gave me a “discounted rate” which was still way over my budget. So I had to end therapy sessions with her too.

Then 2020 happened….

What a f*cking year. And it’s only October.

After all the stress that occurred since COVID began, I decided that I NEED to go back to therapy. I began looking in June. The only good thing about COVID is that more therapists had flexible appointments and had a great affordable rate.

The one thing that kept me from going to therapy was the cost. With the past experiences of not being able to afford it, it pushed me away. But with all the sh*t that I went through at the beginning of the pandemic, I prioritized my mental health and included it in my financial plans.

After those past experiences, I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish in therapy. I wanted to have someone to talk to with experiences that I haven’t shared with anyone else such as: dating apps, the end of a friendship, being isolated from family members, and more.

From my first session with my therapist, I could tell immediately that she was listening to me. She wasn’t judging me and made sure to let me know that my feelings were valid. Which was an amazing feeling.

In our first month of sessions, I talked about all the stress and anxiety that I was feeling with work and my one student with challenging behaviors. She was able to listen to me. We dug down deep into my feelings and find out the reason why I’m feeling those ways. With the situation at work, I talked about my one student a lot and how it was affecting me. And we talked about how I was letting that one student determine my self-worth.

This therapy experience is different because we don’t just talk about situations and feelings, we find out the reasons why I have those feelings. I’ve never shared those deep feelings with anyone before. And it’s the first time where I feel mentally exhausted after therapy. I spend an hour after my sessions just laying on my bed because I’m so tired. She incorporates my self-care practices into what we talk about during therapy. Since I journal and keep track of habits, symptoms, etc. I began journaling more about my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t think I would have survived these past couple of months if I didn’t have therapy. And I am so thankful that I am able to afford to go to therapy every week. We’ve gotten to a point where I stopped talking about my struggles at work and started to talk about topics that I haven’t been able to share before. And some weeks, we talk about coping mechanisms.

Even though, it’s been a rough year. I am glad that I made my mental health a priority and am able to get the help that I need.

-Mel