I Deserve Better.

It’s 4am on a work day. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep.

But I guess 4am is the time for realizations.

Yesterday was a very frustrating day at work. It was like, a tiny thing in the universe was out of sync and it made my students forget everything that they’ve learned and were OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

It was too much. Students talking back. Students not listening. One student hitting the teacher who gives me my lunch break (he had hit me the day before). Students running around in the class and just dumping all the toys on the tables and floors. It was like I was in an alternate universe.

Because I teach my students to be kind and respectful to their friends, teachers and to themselves.

And I absolutely lost my patience. I had to take away so many toys and raised my teacher voice to the highest level. It ended up giving me a migraine.

I spent last night going over what happened at work. And how I had to yell and raise my voice.

That’s not me. That’s not why I became a teacher.

I’ve had many issues at work, that I’ve shared so many times on this blog. And yes, I don’t know why I’m still working there. When it didn’t give me support for challenging students. We had an entire class that had so much high energy kids and we had one student that we had to constantly keep an eye on & had challenges with. And that I’m still having challenges with until this day.

When I spent the first month of the pandemic doing work fit for two teachers. Additionally, they gave me a weird break schedule when I was a solo teacher. Getting my AM breaks at around 10:45-11am. Getting my lunch at 12pm and not getting my PM breaks until 5pm (during that time we had to sanitize everything, so I only gave myself a 5 min break to catch up)

Then the teacher who has supported me throughout my time being a solo teacher, finally became my co-teacher. Then they put a f*cking wall in my class and we each had our own mini classrooms. Which has so many challenges because our schedule is rushed and we only have a bathroom on one side of the classroom (not my side). And we barely have any materials in our class, because they split up the materials unevenly.

And I went from having the same 7 kids for months to now having about 16 kids total. We had one or two added months later. Then we got 5 new/ returning kids in one week.

And I’m still having problems with my challenging student.

I need to start standing up for myself now.

I really need to leave. I’ve dealt with so much sh*t with this job. And no one really realizes how much I went through. And how hard I worked.

I deserve better.

I deserve a job that I can come to work and leave work feeling satisfied. I deserve a job not feeling frustrated or having a panic attack coming home from work. I deserve a job where I don’t worry about what’s going to happen. I deserve a job that makes me feel like, “yes this is what I’m supposed to be doing”. I deserve a job that doesn’t make me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted every single day.

Another thing also has happened since March.

I am 31 and finally realize that if a guy doesn’t have the same feelings for me, then I don’t need to change myself to make them like me. Also, I don’t need to put myself down when they don’t have the same feelings for me.

I’ve talked to two guys throughout this pandemic.

Both had the intention of wanting to sleep with me. Nothing more.

The first guy I talked to for months before we finally were able to meet up. Then I began to have feelings for him. I wanted to be honest and tell him, instead of hiding my feelings. After I told him my feelings, he only messaged me once. And after a week of making myself feel like I’m not good enough, I decided to “leave” (aka unmatch).

You would think that made me feel better.

However…

Now that I had experienced communicating with someone on a daily basis. I didn’t like the feeling of not receiving any messages and not having someone to talk to.

I tried to fill that void and tried to talk to other guys. I didn’t want to feel lonely again. But in reality, I wasn’t really lonely. Because I’ve spent years not having someone to talk to. It was just a nice feeling of being able to communicate with someone again.

I talked to another guy and I’ve talked to him for weeks.

We FaceTimed the other night for the first time and suddenly he doesn’t message me. (Yes, I know it’s only been one day). After talking to him, I realized that he’s pretty cute and I liked talking to him. Then he doesn’t message the following day.

And I spent all day: replaying our conversation in my head. And kept on criticizing myself for things I said and thought maybe I should of said this instead.

I hated having that feeling of: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

I guess waking up at 4am was helpful. Because it clicked.

What am I doing?

Why am I only talking to guys who are only interested in me because they want to sleep with me? They butter me up by talking to me and probably acting like their interested in me. Once they are get what want, then they suddenly aren’t interested in talking to me.

I deserve better.

I deserve a guy who likes me for me. I deserve a guy that I don’t have to change myself to make them like me. I deserve a guy who I trust and trusts me back.

I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me worried about my actions and doesn’t makes me question “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?”

I’m not saying that I am the best person in the world and deserve the best things in life.

But I work hard. I’m a kind person. I think about others more than myself.

I deserve better than a job that negatively affects my mental and physical health. A job that makes me lose my passion for working in the education field.

I deserve better than guys who want nothing more than to sleep with me. I deserve a good guy who likes me, simply for me.

I need to walk away & know that I am so much better than others making me question my own self-worth.

My alarm just went off.

Time to start a new day. Not with a new perspectives on my life.

I deserve better.

-Mel

Anxious Thoughts While Feeling Sick During a Pandemic

Anxiety & COVID-19 are not a good mix.

It doesn’t help that regular symptoms that I get are similar to symptoms of COVID-19.

I’ve had headaches and migraines for years now.

Anxiety always gives me shortness of breath.

I commonly get sore throats.

Today felt different waking up. I didn’t feel 100%. I felt 45%.

I compared how I felt yesterday and how I felt today. It was different.

I still had the regular symptoms that I’m familiar with. But I felt more congested and weak. But I didn’t have a fever. And I rarely get fevers.

I didn’t know what to do. I went to work. Told them that I didn’t really feel good and was not sure what to do. Since I had at least two symptoms without a fever. I had to call my doctor. I talked to triage and since my symptoms were minor, I had to go to urgent care, get checked and get a COVID test.

I was told to quarantine for 14 days.

And that caused an anxiety attack.

I try my best to stay away from the news and media. The high amount of cases, the lack of people wearing masks, the videos of people attacking others just simply because of how they look…scares me.

To think that I could be one of those numbers scared me.

I also felt guilty because what if I had the virus from my minor symptoms and I didn’t get a test earlier and isolate myself.

Then I went to Urgent care’s respiratory clinic…which happened to be a tent outside in the parking structure. I immediately got my temperature read and oxygen checked. Then I got a strep test and then I had to administer a COVID test. Which was intimidating because I had to do it myself and I had 3 nurses there with me.

I got my vitals checked. And the doctor said that I was healthy.

So it is either a COLD or COVID.

That’s a big space in between those two types of conditions.

I already felt anxious and guilty.

And then I felt more anxious that I probably overreacted because it could just be a cold.

But then again, these minor symptoms that I regularly get, could be COVID.

It’s hard to know how to feel.

You think things are okay. But nurses say to get checked and then anxiety hits. Then you have a 50/50 chance of being okay.

I have to self isolate for three days. More time to be alone with my thoughts.

Great…..

-Mel

Trauma & Changes.

These past two weeks have been hard for me: emotionally, mentally and physically.

My week off was far from relaxing and my week back was overwhelming.

The very first day of my “vacation”, I decided to share my feelings towards this guy I’ve been talking to. I started to have feelings for him & I knew that his feelings weren’t reciprocal. To prevent my feelings from getting hurt, I decided to tell him earlier than later. I wanted to do it during my week off, that way I can give myself at least two days to feel hurt and cry about it. Then I could move on.

But that didn’t happen.

He messaged me once after I told him my feelings. Then he didn’t talk to me at all. I constantly checked my phone to see if he responded. And I couldn’t cry about it. I was numb. I started to have these feelings that I haven’t had in 10 years (when I had my last relationship).

I started to think:

  • He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore
  • He’s probably talking to someone else.
  • Did I do or say something that makes him less attracted to me?
  • Why isn’t he messaging me back?
  • And lastly, WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

When I had that last thought, that really hit me.

I thought, “WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING?”

WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THAT?

I hated it. I hated feeling that way.

I took a step back and tried to decipher all my feelings & why I was suddenly feeling this way.

I follow a lot of mental health advocates, therapists, specialists, etc. on Instagram. I’ve noticed that the word “trauma” popped up a lot on my feed. And I started to relate to those trauma posts.

When I think about trauma, I think about PTSD or a traumatic event like rape or a natural disaster. I didn’t think that I had trauma or even close to having trauma because I didn’t have any major experiences like that.

I looked at the definition of trauma and saw that it is an harmful event that can have an effect on a person many years later.

I believe that I experienced two types of events in my life that caused trauma:

  1. When my grandmother passed away when I was 14. The grief I experienced turned into depression.
  2. The two times that I experienced heartbreak. They both cheated on me, broke up with me to single. But got in a relationship with the other girl. And one of them blamed me for the breakup. The heartbreak I experienced also turned into depression.

Those two types of events have impacted me throughout my life in different ways.

I decided to have a consultation with a Trauma-Informed Coach. She told me more information about trauma. Because I still didn’t enough knowledge about it. I told her and my therapist about trauma. I told them that it was strange how those feelings of not being “good enough” came back 10 years later.

After being single for so long, I wanted to improve my communication in relationships and become stronger when it didn’t work out. Because I didn’t like those feelings I had 10 years ago.

I didn’t like that I belittled myself because I wasn’t “good enough” for my exes.

Now I know that those breakups did affect me with relationships and feelings for guys. Now I know that it’s trauma.

That week off and having those thoughts really messed me up. I was supposed to be “relaxing” all week. But those thoughts overpowered those relaxing moments. I barely ate that week and it turned into not having an appetite. Also, I felt sick trying to “force” myself to eat. And then insomnia came back…I would wake up at 3 or 4. The only good thing about that is when I would watch the sun rise.

I didn’t have anything to focus on. I was alone with my thoughts.

I was looking forward to go back to work. I wanted to be busy and have something to focus on.

Then…I went to work. And everything changed….LITERALLY.

My classroom split into two. They put a wall in the middle and made two classes in one classroom. And now my new co-teacher and I had our own mini classrooms (COVID-19 changed so many rules on ratios).

I had a long trek of being a solo teacher, getting help and trying to get her to be my co-teacher. And then they’re just going to “take her” away from me before she works full-time. I was angry. Also, they moved everything around and I had no clue where everything was.

The changes in the classroom became stressful, then my student’s behaviors became overwhelming on top of that.

I had a therapy session on Wednesday during my lunch. She asked me how I was and I started to talk about work. I spent about 5 mins explaining what’s happening at work. I was talking fast and didn’t take a breath in between words and sentences. She talked to me about it and I started to cry. She talked about how much work is having an impact on me mentally. We did some breathing exercises because I really couldn’t breathe from all the work I was doing and the anxiety that came with it.

I really need to get away from this job. It made me lose my passion for teaching.

& it’s really sad.

That one student, one class, a lack of support and unappreciative parents can make me lose my love for teaching.

I’m scared for what this week will bring.

But there’s nothing that I could do.

There’s nothing I could do about the guy not communicating with me, after I told him my feelings. It’s his decision.

There’s nothing I could do about my work dividing my classroom into two and working solo again as a teacher. It’s their decision.

These two decisions made by others affected me a lot these past few weeks.

But I just have to deal with it right now and figure out the best decisions to move forward.

-Mel

T H E R A P Y

I’ve spent the first couple days of my vacation doing absolutely nothing.

I’m so physically, mentally and emotionally drained from work and the other aspects of my life that cause anxiety and depression.

So I’ve just been switching from the couch to my bed watching Netflix, Youtube or Disney +.

I have a consultation with a therapist tomorrow. I had one last week as well, with a different therapist.

I’ve been preparing myself on what I want to discuss at this session. Also, I’ve been thinking about why I’m chose to go back to therapy at this moment in my life.

There isn’t ONE BIG thing in my life that is causing me to feel depressed or anxious.

It’s a lot of small things that are adding up to become ONE BIG thing.

  • The daily stress and exhaustion at work.
  • The feeling of not being “good enough”.
  • Insomnia: I had many nights where I slept around 4-5 hours and would wake up at random hours in the night.
  • The lack of focus and concentration.
  • R U M I N A T I O N.
  • Catastrophic thinking! I always thought of the worst possible outcome about the smallest things.
  • Not being able to get tasks done. The smallest task would take so much energy from me.
  • Always feeling fatigue.
  • My mind racing back and forth between different thoughts and worries.

I first went to therapy when I was 21 and it occurred after a break up.

During that time of experiencing a really bad breakup, I was at a point where I told my mom that I needed help. I didn’t know what to do. So she called the therapists that coincided with her health insurance and she made an appointment for me.

From what I remember in that first therapy session, I immediately burst out crying. It felt like I was filling up a tank with my emotions and the tank got too full that it exploded. And then after my session, the therapist called my parents into her office and talked to them.

In one of the first two sessions, the therapist diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression).

And sometime after that, I was referred to a Psychiatrist and was prescribed Zoloft for my depression.

I was going to therapy every other week to either see my therapist and psychiatrist.

From what I remembered about my therapist, she basically told me to “not think about it”. Which is something my mom would say. And my psychiatrist actually listened to me and supported my feelings. The Zoloft didn’t do anything but give me the side effects that came with it. I remember feeling nauseous all the time and so tired. And it always occurred after taking Zoloft.

With going to: therapy every other week, going to school full time and going to work part-time, my schedule was busy. Then it got busier when a huge box of lids fell from the shelves at work. It bumped my head, which then resulted in a minor concussion. I had to go see a doctor every week and get checked. The box left a bump on my head making me: get headaches, feeling vertigo and more nauseous.

A couple of months after starting therapy, I went to the Philippines for 3 weeks for my cousin’s wedding and to visit friends and family..

During that time, I was very broke. I was working less because I had school. I was paying a co-pay of $20-$30 dollars for my therapy sessions. Which seems great now, but back then I couldn’t afford that every other week. Before going to the Philippines, I spent a lot of money to buy Christmas presents for children in orphanages. I also had to choose my classes for the next semester during finals week and pay for it. I was at a community college during the time. So I didn’t get financial aid and paid for the classes on my own. Also it was December and I had to buy Christmas presents for family and friends before I left.

When I came back from the Philippines, I barely had any money. I didn’t work for three weeks. Then it became four weeks, because I immediately got sick when we got back and I was suffering from major jet lag. I was on the opposite schedule and became nocturnal. When it was daytime, I would sleep and when it was night time, I was wide awake.

So I decided that I couldn’t go back to therapy. I couldn’t afford it anymore. Additionally, it wasn’t helping. It was hard for me to “not think about it”.

The second time I went to therapy was a year ago.

I was stuck in a weird position with my jobs. I was hired in September of 2018 for my current job, but I was still working with my previous job.

Since my current job was a brand new school, we had to wait until enrollment increased for me to start. So I was in this waiting game. About once a month, I would email and ask if there was any updates for me.

Then it became March of 2019 and I was still waiting.

Between September and March, I was experiencing a lot of stress and pressure from my previous job. And I was becoming overwhelmed. I was in a job that I didn’t like, but I couldn’t leave because my new job wasn’t ready for me to start. It was frustrating.

I didn’t know how to handle the anxiety I was experiencing. Depression was something I knew for many years, then anxiety showed up and I didn’t have the tools to manage it.

The therapist I saw fit my schedule and immediately pinpointed things that I was not ready to talk about.

She also works with clients that are children and we instantly clicked on talking about child development. A majority of my time in my sessions were talking about my struggles at work and talking about waiting for my new job. Our sessions were just casual and talking like we were friends. Which was a great feeling because I didn’t have any friends to talk to. But she didn’t talk about my anxiety and coping mechanisms.

But yet again, therapy appeared during a busy time.

A couple weeks into therapy, I finally received the call about starting my new job. So I was trying to handle my emotions from saying goodbye to my co-teacher and students that I loved and transitioning to a new environment with new co-workers and new students.

Then it became May of 2016 and I was even busier. The first week of that month, I was in the East Coast watching my brother graduate and become a doctor. Then we were preparing for all our guests and the huge graduation party we were throwing. (I was still learning everything about my new job and my new students during this time). We had guests from the: Philippines, Texas, West Virginia, Kentucky and the Bay Area come to the graduation party to celebrate my brother.

The therapy sessions went from every other week to every 3-4 weeks. Because it was super expensive. I started therapy when I was at my previous job under one health insurance. The co-pay was about $65 which was A LOT. Then I started my new job and didn’t have health insurance for 30 days and my therapy fee went up to $95. That was the lowest that they could do for me.

I couldn’t afford it anymore and stopped.

It was difficult because I liked talking to my therapist. However, she never discussed my anxiety, my triggers or how to cope with it.

I decided to try therapy again at the beginning of June this year. It’s so dumb, but it was after I saw an Instagram post about not waiting until you are in a big crisis to seek help.

During that time, I was starting to feel good about my life. I finally had a co-teacher that I worked well with and really liked. I was talking to someone and really enjoyed getting to know him. I was getting lots of compliments on my lessons at work. It was my birthday and I had so many unexpected surprises.

Things finally felt good and content after months of stress and feeling alot of anxiety and depression.

And it scared me…

I finally felt good about my life and I didn’t want to lose it.

I didn’t like feeling that way.

And then I went back to my past experiences and memories to figure out why I’m scared of things that are good in my life.

Then I decided that I couldn’t do this by myself and researched therapists. I researched therapists that accepted my insurance and didn’t accept my insurance. It was difficult to find a therapist that I could afford and that fit with my schedule.

Also, I realized that I haven’t cried or had a panic attack with all this stress and exhaustion from work and all these other thoughts.

It was scarier.

I’m just waiting for something bad to happen….and I shouldn’t feel that way.

This time, I don’t want to do therapy just for 2-3 months. I want it to last as long as possible.

With no luck, I just looked at therapists that I was compatible with. Someone who will listen and be empathetic to what I’m saying. At the same time, I want them to help me understand why I’m scared of good things in my life. Or why I think about the worst possible outcome of a situation.

I don’t know what tomorrow’s session will bring…

But I am glad that I didn’t wait until a BIG crisis to start therapy.

-Mel

4 AM

This is the THIRD Saturday in a row where I have woken up at 4am.

No nightmares. Not feeling too cold or too hot. No loud noises waking me up.

Just naturally waking up at 4am.

And I wrote my previous post around 11pm last night and fell asleep around 12:45am.

So yea… I didn’t get too much sleep.

Now it’s a thing for Saturday’s now…

And I couldn’t understand why.

I’ve had bad insomnia before where I would wake up or sleep at the same time every night. There was one summer when I fell asleep at 5am everyday. Or one phase when I would sleep at 11pm, wake up at 1am and go back to sleep on a daily basis.

Having the same sleeping schedule is normal when it’s on a daily basis. But this occasion is weird, its EVERY SATURDAY AT 4am. Not Friday then Saturday. Specifically every Saturday. Between 4-4:30am. No matter what time I slept the night before. I still woke up around 4am.

And what’s one thing you do when you’re confused about something? You Google it!

So I typed in waking up at 4am.

And apparently… waking up at 4am. Specifically the hour of 4am has something to do with breathing and the lungs. And it also can mean sadness, feeling disappointed, just depression in general.

And now I get it. I generally have a hard time being able to breathe lately because my anxiety gets really bad. So that explains the breathing and lungs part.

And uh…the last post written a couple of hours ago said I wanted to kill myself. So the sadness and depression explains it too.

I just don’t understand why every Saturday. Like I’m glad it’s a Saturday and not a work day. Running on less than 4 hours of sleep being a Pre K teacher wouldn’t be the best thing. So I’m glad my body decides to do it on the weekend, so I could either sleep in or take a nap.

I’ve been feeling small amounts of depression here or there in the past couple of weeks. And my body is physically reacting to it.

And it’s almost 6am now….

Now what?

-Mel

Why am I still here?

I’m going to be honest here.

And say that at this moment,

I’m crying and having a hard time breathing.

I usually wait until after a panic attack or suicidal thoughts to write these.

But I need to say everything that I’m feeling in the state that I’m currently in.

I don’t want to be here anymore. And I have these thoughts so many times and I never act upon it.

Why? Why am I still here?

Why didn’t I follow my plan and kill myself before I turned 18?

Maybe I thought my life would get better.

But I was wrong, I turn 31 in a couple of weeks.

And I hate my life so much.

And I don’t like admitting that. Because I know people are having worse problems than I do.

I hate myself. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I am impatient I am when it comes to people texting or messaging back. I hate how things got worse after graduating college.

I hate how scared I am to do things.

Why? why did I stay alive?

I still think about that one day when I was so fucking depressed. And I had a plan to kill myself. And I told my parents that I wasn’t going to a family party because I didn’t feel good… so I can kill myself. And I got yelled at and had to go. I had a plan. And I really wanted to do it.

Life wasn’t worth it.

And I never feel like I’m good enough. Wasn’t good enough for my past boyfriends because they left me for other girls. Never good enough my mom.

Not good enough for my friends and cousins. Because I shared about my mental health and they decide to stop talking to me.

I want this pain to end.

I want to kill myself because I want this pain to end.

The pain of not being satisfied with my career path. The pain of being lonely because people leave. The pain of not accomplishing your goals by the time I reached my 30s. I’ve been in my 30s for almost a year now and I fully regret not killing myself when I was 18.

It wasn’t worth it.

I thought things would get better. But it’s not and I have to pretend every fucking day that I’m okay.

I’m not.

And yet, I still won’t kill myself.

I’m going to stay alive.

Why? I don’t know

Negativity Energy is Powerful.

I wrote an entire post a couple of days ago of how this virus has affected me mentally all of last week because I still had to work. But I felt like I was complaining too much and being way too negative, so I deleted it.

In that post, I explained how each day brought a new or different fear and anxiety trigger. Being a Pre-K teacher in a preschool we were still open and we didn’t know when or if we were going to close. If we closed, the question “will we still get paid?” arose. While still open, we were fearful of the germs that were coming into our facility. I admit that along with some co-workers, I was upset for the fact that some parents took advantage that we were open (because many told us at least one parent worked from home). If these parents had no childcare at all and had to work outside of the home, I wouldn’t mind being open and providing that service for them. But there are many people that are working at home, plus having their children at home as well.

As much as I was angry that we were open, I was still grateful that I was able to work and earn money. Some people weren’t that fortunate.

But I was working alongside a negative energy. A good person. A good co-teacher. But all that came from his mouth were negative statements. I was trying my best to keep positive throughout this entire situation the world is experiencing. But negative energy is powerful and can transfer their energy to others. I found myself getting frustrated and having a negative mood due to his energy.

A couple of days ago when the “stay at home” order began, we were closed. I felt great and wrote that post I was talking about. As I was writing the post, I get a text from my co-teacher saying that our director was going to call each of us.

And another day of fear and anxiety began….

The call instantly triggered anxiety and fear because we were going to be open the following week ( because preschools were deemed “an essential” to those parents whose work places were still open and essential). We were asked if we wanted to work, not go to work but use our sick hours or not work without pay. My heart immediately began beating fast and I couldn’t breathe (like it has been all week due to my anxiety…not the virus). I couldn’t give an answer during that time. And I talked to my co-teacher and of course his negative energy transferred to me. He was going to take the week off without pay and I was going to do the same thing.

At the same time, I was talking to a friend who I used to work with at my last job. And gaining another perspective on this situation helped decrease that negative energy. I asked her what she would do if she had the choice to work or not. She said that her class was low, so she would work. She also talked about her friend who was recently laid off. Also teachers from another preschool were laid off. And from that text, I gained a new outlook on the situation. As much as I didn’t want to go to work, I was fortunate enough to still have a job, still have the opportunity to work and earn money.

(I can’t escape work, got another message today from it. And I wanted this day to be stress free and not think about work).

The amount of stress and anxiety from this entire situation has affected my body physically. These symptoms are not new and have been with me for months. My heart is beating fast, real fast as if it’s running a race. Alongside my rapid heart beat, a symptom that causes more anxiety. I felt like I haven’t been able to properly breathe in months (not because of the virus) but due to the amount of anxiety and stress from work. I’m not breathing heavy or have breathing problems. The stress feels like I’ve been holding my breath in and haven’t been able to breathe out and relax.

There’s a lot of unknown, uncertainty, fear and anxiety in the world right now.

But the best thing we can do is be healthy and not let the media and negativity trigger our minds.

Everyone keeps on saying that we are quarantined. But we should look at it in a different way. Here in California, our order is called “Stay at Home” and it’s for safety reasons. We are keeping ourselves safer by staying at home. I’m perceiving this order as “MORE TIME!”. I have more time to get things done that I didn’t have before. I was able to deep clean my room, clean my junk drawer, search graduate programs. There isn’t an excuse to get things done now that we have the time to do it by staying inside.

I am actually excited to have the time to paint and draw.

When this situation started appearing, I told myself not to give in to the panic. We should be aware. Be safe. It’s hard for me sometimes, but BE POSITIVE.

Negative energy is powerful and can transmit itself to others, if we allow it.

We will get through this (insert heart emoji).

-Mel

Just Because I’m “SHY” doesn’t mean I’m less of a person.

I am an introvert.

So I’m always associated with the word “SHY”.

And I hate that word.

It’s always brings out such a negative energy with it.

“You’re so shy and quiet”

“Don’t be shy!”

“She’s shyyyyy…..”

I heard that word “SHY” the day before my week off in December when I had a meeting with my boss.

And I immediately felt my heart sink and my brain explode.

From that one word.

It devalued me. It made me feel like sh*t.

It made me feel like a horrible teacher.

All because I don’t “communicate” enough with the families of my students. When we had larger problems of a student with behavior problems hurting others and ourselves. And problems with behaviors in other students. So we were on a high level of stress and being completely overwhelmed.

So from that one meeting and just working in a stressful environment, it completely ruined my Christmas and week off. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

And then a couple of weeks ago, a couple hours before my weekend. Yet another use of “shy” was said about me in my work evaluation. Basically, I got a low score on my communication with co-workers. I kinda figured it was because during work, I don’t communicate as much with teachers of other classrooms. And it wasn’t that. She basically wants me to communicate more in situations that are outside of work. She mentioned lunch (and I knew it was because I like to have lunch in my car) and that would like to see me at the staff “bonding” events or dinners (that are not paid…). So I got a low score because I don’t bond or communicate enough with co-workers on my own time that I’m not getting paid for.

That destroyed me. Ruined my whole weekend. To alleviate my anxiety at work with all the stress that I’m dealing with, I like to sit in my car during my lunch hour. Watch some videos, listen to podcasts, at times have a panic attack. And all the staff outings are always on days I’m busy and have something to do.

That word.

SHY.

I f*cking hate that word.

When people use that word to describe me, they use it to devalue and belittle me. A majority of the time they don’t know it, but it destroys me ( as stated in the above examples).

That word is never used in a positive way. At least with myself.

It’s always negative.

It’s associated with words like: quiet, introverted, reserved, loner, unassertive, unsure.

Along with SHY….QUIET is another word I hate.

There is alot of times where I am quiet.

Sometimes it’s due to my mental health like feeling anxious or nervous at certain situations so I freeze. Whenever I’m in a social event, I am extremely anxious so I can’t talk or say anthing. Sometimes it’s because I am always tired and I really just don’t want to strike a conversation. And sometimes I’m quiet because I don’t have anything to say.

I’m gonna dig a little deeper into my mental health and why I’m so quiet or shy to others.

When I was in Preschool/Kindergarten, I don’t know exactly what happened but I completely stopped talking in school. I don’t know what the situation was. Maybe someone embarrassed me or made fun of me or what I said…then I stopped talking.

I went up to First and Second grade not talking in school (which I later discovered that it is called Selective Mutism). My first grade teacher NEVER saw it as a delay in my education. She always found ways to have me participate in class without forcing me to talk. And thus, I wanted to become a teacher because of her. In second grade, ehhh not so much. I remember being so behind in my reading list. Because I was supposed to answer questions from the book. And everytime I didn’t talk, the teacher basically gave up on me.

During that time, I did play therapy at school. Where I went to school early and basically played with a therapist to determine how to help me in school to talk.

Then it was decided that I should transfer to a new school in 3rd grade. And that fresh start helped.

I know I have a lot more moments of being called shy in a negative way.

But this particular moment made me feel like I was less of a person.

When I worked at a before/after school program, I was invited to go to dinner for a co-worker’s birthday. I had no plans so I went and the co-worker was always nice to me. While waiting for a table, my director’s boyfriend just kept on poking at me that I was quiet. Like that’s the only thing he talked to me about. And I wanted to cry because I felt like I was being bullied.

Just because I’m shy or quiet doesn’t mean that I’m different from everyone else.

That doesn’t mean that I’m lazy or inadequate of doing anything.

I am a hard-working person and just because I don’t want to tell everyone everything about my life DOES NOT MEAN that I’m less than a person or that I’m inferior to everyone else.

If you are one of those “shy”, “quiet” or “introverted” individuals, don’t let everyone else make you think that you are less than a person.

Have a great day.

-Mel

Hurting myself physically when I’m hurting mentally.

Yesterday was rough.

Physically, emotionally and mentally.

And then it was pushed way over the edge.

That moment it was pushed over the edge.

I had to hold it.

Had to hold my emotions inside.

Once I was in a safe and private area,

I…..exploded.

Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t stop crying.

Kept on telling myself that life isn’t worth it.

And then I did something I haven’t done in a long time.

Self-harming myself.

I would bite my fingers hard. I scratched my arms to the point where it left red marks.

I tried using my pen to scratch me. But really, I was drawing lines to show where I wanted to hurt myself more.

I wanted to hurt myself more and more intensely.

As much as I thought that life wasn’t worth it and as much as I wanted to injure myself more and more, I didn’t want to kill myself.

Self-harm isn’t an indication for a suicide attempt.

I feel like the reason I self-harm myself is because I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I want to feel that pain physically.

It’s weird…huh?

I don’t get it too.

I haven’t had experiences of self-harm in a long time.

My other form of self-harm used to be banging my head against a hard surface (once after a concussion).

And after I realized what I was doing, I felt so ashamed of myself and basically made myself feel like shit.

Self-harm is horrible before it happens, during the process and the shame/guilt afterwards.

-Mel

It’s Thursday.

Hello.

It’s Thursday.

The day of the week where all of a sudden: my anxiety and depression are heightened and basically I feel like sh*t.

On this week’s episode:

I had a rough day before going to work. I had a rough day at work with an increasingly amount of anxiety. And now I am basically torturing myself and thinking about my past.

I don’t know what it is about Thursdays. I start breaking down during this time of the week. And what sucks is that I still have ONE more day of work to get over with.

(Just a warning, this blog is a bit of just everything that came from my mind today into a post….this might be long).

I woke up today immediately confused. I didn’t remember turning on my white noise machine last night and I wake up hearing it. And then I started questioning myself if I turned it on. Afterwards as I was leaving for work, I backed up my car and scratched the back of my dad’s car (he was not happy). Work was just stressful as always with an added amount of: forgetfulness, exhaustion and anxiety. I had anxiety over an upcoming evaluation. I came home extremely lethargic, exhausted and just tired.

On my way home, I started thinking about what my co-workers were talking about….Valentine’s Day. And I thought about how long and hard I worked to train myself not to think about Valentine’s Day as a day that everyone has to celebrate. Besides celebrating it at work ( due to being a teacher), I will only think about it as a regular day.

And then I started to think back to how I got to that idea of treating Valentine’s Day only as February 14th. Before having relationships, I would always “dream” of having a romantic date with a significant other with flowers (not roses). And yes, it was mostly from watching movies and tv shows. So naturally when I was in a relationship, I was expecting a lot of cliche’ Valentines things. And in one relationship, we made it official. So Valentine’s Day was very important to me (back then).

And then I became single year after year. And when Valentine’s Day came, I was very very depressed. Luckily, I had some family and friends who would write sweet notes to me on that day. I don’t know when it started, but one year I just told myself that Valentine’s Day is NOT a big deal. And I thought if everyone proposed on this day, said “I love you” for the first time on this day and had first dates on this day….then it’s not really special. Because you’re sharing that day with everyone else. And then I started caring less about Valentine’s Day. When I became a teacher, that holiday had a different meaning. And I would say that I had 24 little Valentines every year.

ANYWAYS…

Throughout these Valentine’s thoughts, I thought about why I’ve been single for so many years. 10 years now!!

The reason is that I don’t trust people.

With my last relationships and how they ended (broke up with me to be ‘single’ but really broke up with me to be with another girl x2), it is very easy to lose trust with anyone and everyone. Especially when friendships end, you pour your heart and soul to someone just to be ignored and pushed aside. It will need someone very special to earn my trust with everyone again. I have talked to guys before, but once it starts to get a little bit more serious then I just end it.

And then of course it brings me back to thinking about my ex. Especially the last one. The one who is consistently in my dreams. And I have come to the realization that I probably have lots of dreams with him in it, due to the fact that we never really had closure. At least to me, I didn’t feel like I had any closure with him. With my other ex, we’re good. I haven’t seen him in years, but the last time we saw each other, we were on good terms. With the last ex, I would feel nervous if I ever ran into him.

Side note: Once I started thinking all these different thoughts, I just started putting myself down and thinking that I’m not a great person. Especially when I started reading the evaluation from my boss.

So what do you do when you feel like sh*t and had a bad day. Look on social media and try to find people from your past. Old best friends who used you and didn’t really care about you only on social media. Of course exes and friends of exes to just top it off.

Then it starts to get later and later, but you want to dig deep more into your past. And go into old scrapbooks from 2004-2011. Seeing photos and memories from years past. Decades ago. I forgot I was 30…

And now you just feel like sh*t. And you’re exhausted.

And you have to go BACK to work tomrorow.

…..

why?!

Let’s see what next Thursday brings.

-Mel