Uncertainty, Gloomy Weather, Lightheadedness and Just Trying to Survive the Day.

Tomorrow is the start of September.

And I honestly don’t know how August just suddenly ended. Because I feel like I didn’t fully experience this month.

It was a crazy month.

It became a month of uncertainty.

I didn’t know what each day consisted of. And there were nights where I would worry on what could possibly happen the next day.

This month began with major changes at work. My co-teacher had her last week of her two week notice. Which turned into 1.5 days because she sprained her ankle and couldn’t go into work. Then in that same week… we had 6 transitions ( aka new students in our class) start on the SAME DAY. And it wasn’t the most easy-going students. Lots of attitude and lots of “NO”. At the same time, the last few older students in our class were not being good examples to our newer friends. Chaos would be the best word to describe the atmosphere in the classroom.

There was one day, where 10 minutes before my shift, I was having a panic attack. And 5 minutes before my shift, I had to quickly calm myself down and stop my panic attack.

I was just trying to survive each day. Nothing more. Just trying to survive. All in one week, new students and my co-teacher leaving.

And the uncertainty of who would be helping me in the class. It became a game of: is this sub going to be helpful or not?

Then somehow the universe gave us a break. A student got the virus. And our classroom was closed to the students that were directly exposed.

For the past two weeks, we had a quiet classroom. The most kids we had were 7. I got to declutter and change the entire classroom to a system that makes sense. We set rules and classroom management to start fresh when everyone came back.

That was a example of a good uncertainty that occurred.

However, with all the bad uncertainty that happened. It deeply affected how my body felt. Every weekend, it felt like my body was screaming at me to take a break. I would get lightheaded, dizzy, extreme fatigue and nausea.

Then the weather kept on changing which affected my physical health even more, plus my mood.

We had many dark, gloomy and random rainy days. Which is uncommon for us during this time of year. There were some hot days sprinkled in between. But the change in weather made me feel under the weather (not Covid related). But having a dry cough only in the morning and then disappearing in the afternoon.

Then I went on a date with someone and no matter how much I prepped my mental health for that date. I immediately became anxious the moment the date ended. To the point where I didn’t sleep that night because the worries would not stop. Nothing could stop it or distract it. I don’t know what triggered it, because I felt like the date went well. Even my therapist asked, what happened?? She thought I was mentally and emotionally ready to date. And I thought so too. But I guess I wasn’t.

Today was a pretty good representation of my August.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I randomly woke up at 3. Then at 5am, the power went out & I hear my parents in the hallway arguing on how to open the garage with no power. An hour later, the power finally came back.

Then I went to work and it was full of emotions. Many kids came back from their two weeks “off”. It felt like everyone was crying and sad for the smallest thing. And it felt like every 15 minutes, someone was crying. I was not fully awake to deal with all the emotions.

Then the sub was late coming back from lunch. Then it pushed back my co-workers lunch and furthermore, my lunch. And I couldn’t go to lunch late because I had therapy during my lunch. I was NOT going to miss my therapy session. With most students napping, I got the go-ahead to leave my lunch on time leaving the sub in the class.

BUT of course, 5 minutes before my lunch. One student wakes up crying for mom and asks to go to the bathroom. Her cry is so loud, it wakes up two students. Then 1 minute before my lunch, one of those students said that she needed to change. So I had to bring her to the bathroom and change everything. Then once I was finished, she starts crying and missing mom. And the sub couldn’t help because she had to sit with one student who was having a hard nap time.

So I could just hear crying and screaming in my class as I’m leaving. But I was not going to miss therapy, I needed it.

Then being extremely sleepy and not having a lunch, I was just over it. And just trying to survive !

Then I get home (aka a millennial who can’t afford her own place and has to live with her parents), and my mom is in the worst mood. And furthermore, transfers that negative energy to my dad. And all they did was argue the rest of the night. And when they argue, they don’t even listen to what the other one is saying. Which ends up with my mom crying.

I had no sleep, a day with half my class crying. I don’t need a household filled with: anger, tension, crying and yelling.

I don’t know what September will bring.

Because that’s my life.

But I’m going to try to literally take things one day at a time, one hour at a time.

If I just need to survive the day, then that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been at rock bottom already this year. And it’s been a horrible feeling.

I’m trying to push through and get away from that direction.

I’m gonna sleep.

Bye.

-Mel

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Anxiety ruins my life.

I just had a first date with this guy I’ve been talking to, for about a month.

I thought the date went well and I want to see him again.

But immediately, as soon as I said bye to him. My anxiety kicked in.

What if he didn’t like me? What if all the hype of meeting each other after many delayed dates wasn’t worth it for him? He didn’t really have too much physical interaction, wait he doesn’t like me?? Do first dates end with a kiss or hug? I don’t know. I guess he didn’t feel the same way??

What if he doesn’t text me anymore after tonight?

What if he ghosts me (like the other guys)?

What if?

What if ?

What if?

Why do you have to do this to me? Anxiety…why?

Why can’t I focus more on how handsome he is, his smile or his hug? The fact that he said, I’ll talk to you soon. Or that he responded to my text when I got home and texted him thank you for dinner.

No. Because anxiety has to f*cking ruin it.

I didn’t have too much anxiety all day prior to the date.

But anxiety was there waiting for me, as soon as I said bye to him.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my anxious mind diverting my mind towards overthinking and negative thoughts.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to feel like my life is going into a good direction. And not have suspicions that something bad is going to happen when life gets steady.

I hate you anxiety.

-Mel

I had a panic attack at my cousin’s wedding.

It’s been a couple of months since my last post.

But I thought it was important to share what happened on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

My last post talked about how I felt so out of place and felt like I didn’t belong in my family, when I was at the rehearsal dinner.

So naturally, I already had a lot of anxiety on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

I barely had sleep the night before and it added to the anxiety I already had. I could feel the anxiety of the day before the day even began.

I felt fine that morning, despite the lack of sleep. We spent the morning in the penthouse where all the women got their hair and make-up ready. I spent the majority of that time on my phone, which helped my anxiety. And after getting my make-up done and getting ready for the wedding. I thought I was going to be fine.

I did not know where to go, where to sit or stand before the ceremony. I felt so strange not having anyone to interact with….and my anxiety grew. I finally just sat where most of my relatives were and thought I would be okay.

I cried when the doors opened and I saw my beautiful cousin walk down the aisle. That moment really hit me. I felt a sudden rush of memories, from the time we were little to the present time, flashed before my eyes. I was really close to her when we were younger and like with everyone else, we got distant as we grew older.

Once the ceremony ended and the cocktail hour started. That’s when the anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know where to go. I felt my heart beating quickly and I started to feel so confused. Because I had no where to go and I had no where to escape.

I was guided to go outside to take photos with the family and the bride.

One moment that struck me was the girl cousins were all gathered and they called me in. And I thought it was for everyone & no one else came up with me. And I thought I made a mistake because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. I walked out and they were saying no I’m part of the picture.

It was a nice gesture to include me as part of a photo. But looking at the pictures now and seeing how I’m the only one that doesn’t have the same dress hurts. What hurts even more is looking at my smile in that photo. I was hurting so much, but I had to try so hard to fake that smile.

Once we were done, we took our seats for dinner. I was in the back and close to the bathrooms. I sat with my cousins, my cousins kids and my brother. So again, I thought I was fine.

But throughout dinner, everyone at my table would leave for various reasons. To help with the DJ, to take photo booth photos, to get a drink, to go outside and the two little girls were just running around. I would look around and see all the girl cousins at the photo booth together & that they all sat next to each other too. A majority of that dinner, I sat by myself in the corner. And that set my anxiety into high gear.

I didn’t know where to go. I could feel a panic attack coming. And I didn’t know what to do. I figured that it was best to go to the bathroom. And as soon as I closed that stall door, I started crying, hyperventilating and having a panic attack.

If I could, I would have stayed in that bathroom all night. It was the only place that felt safe.

I kept on going back and forth from my table to the bathroom to cry or continue my panic attack. Or the seats outside the bathroom, which didn’t feel too safe because everyone was coming in and out of there.

Towards the end of the night before the dancing began, I become overstimulated as well as having a panic attack. If I was at the table, I would cover my ears and close my eyes. If not, I was in the bathroom crying or sitting in the seats outside the bathroom covering my ears.

I couldn’t leave the venue on my own or even to step outside. We were in the heart of downtown and on a Friday night, it probably wasn’t safe for me to go outside on my own.

My mom could sense that I was very uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel (which was 2 blocks down). I said yes, hoping my dad would come too. But he stayed. My anxiety increased as my mom and I, walked two blocks in downtown. I was trying to speed walk/run to the hotel but couldn’t leave my mom behind.

Once we got to the hotel and got safely back to our hotel room, I felt like I was able to breathe again. Along with some donuts we had in our room, I felt a lot better.

I felt so uncomfortable in a wedding where half the guests were my family.

I prepared myself for weeks in therapy for that day.

But no matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to help my anxiety or help with my panic attack.

Ever since that day, I always think about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaids or maid of honors, and it breaks my heart. All my friendships and relationships with cousins diminished. And if they aren’t there for me for my tough mental days (or at least talk to me), then why would I have them as part of my “special” day??

I had to completely take myself out of my comfort zone for that wedding. If it wasn’t family, I wouldn’t have gone to that wedding.

I always have to sacrifice my mental health, my comfort level for my family. Going to family events when I feel uncomfortable.

I wish they would go out of their comfort zones for me. Ask me how I’m truly feeling, asking about mental health. If I have a panic attack, just being present. Or just including me in things as their family because they WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.

-Mel

I don’t feel like I belong in my family

I can’t sleep because all the anxiety I had being with relatives today.

I was at a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my cousin’s wedding.

I’m not part of the wedding. But since my parents are part of it, then I got to go. Same with the dinner.

I walked into the venue. Dressed in what I wore to work (a nice skirt and flats). I didn’t have time to change. And everyone was dressed up as if it were the wedding day. All the girls coincidentally wore spaghetti strap maxi dresses and heels. I immediately felt out of place.

Everyone was off in little groups here and there. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

A couple minutes in and I already felt like an outsider with my own family. But that wasn’t the first time.

I was preparing for the anxiety that I will have over this long family weekend. I had many therapy sessions about this. But the feeling of loneliness wasn’t anything that I prepared for.

Naturally my anxiety got worse over dinner. I was already exhausted from my morning with my students. I was feeling out of place at the rehearsals. And now I had to sit there for hours. And all I could do was be glued to my phone.

I hear all the girl cousins and the rest of the bridesmaid’s OOOHs and AWWS as they opened their bridesmaid gifts. I heard lots of loud conversations and laughter.

I immediately became overstimulated and overwhelmed from the environment.

At a point, I felt like the world was spinning around me. It was too much for me. I had to turn my body to the side, and put one hand up to my ear to lessen the volume. I had to whisper and repeat “ I am safe. I am safe. I am okay. It will be over soon.”

I have been dealing with being an outsider in my family for years. Just because I shared my mental health struggles over social media. And when my anxiety got too bad at family parties, I took time to take care of it.

I suddenly thought about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaid or maid of honor at my wedding. I’m crying as I type that.

I won’t have a wedding like how this wedding is. Not have bridesmaids or maid of honors. Not having people for a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Just because I don’t have anyone close to me.

Because they all pushed me away, just because I have depression and anxiety.

I push myself out of my comfort zone to be there for them. To be at places that I am not comfortable with. For them.

But they can’t go out of their comfort zone to have a conversation with me about my mental health. Or at least, be there for my physically. Or at least say “How are you doing?” And mean it.

I have 3 more days of family events.

What do I do ?

-Mel

F*CK. Depression is hard.

As I have probably mentioned I have experienced more anxiety symptoms in the past 5 years than depression.

And depression is hard.

I was going to write about other topics today on this blog.

But I’m f*cking depressed.

I kinda felt OFF this week. I was irritable. I was hungry, but had no appetite. I had the opposite of my sleeping problem, where I would just sleep early almost every night. I would sleep 8-9 hours these past couple of weeks.

Last night, I just felt so strange. I had a difficult week at work and I was anxiously waiting for a response back from the guy that I’m currently talking to. This strange feeling was so familiar. But now I know that it was the beginning of depression.

I haven’t felt the “rock bottom” component of depression in many years. And I feel like I blocked that feeling from myself. So much that depression and deep depression feels like it’s something new.

I started doing my daily journals last night while listening to my “mental health” playlist. I desperately wanted to cry in hopes to make me feel better. And then the song ” After the Storm” from Mumford & Songs began playing. There is this one lyric that I always have in the back of my mind when I need it. And that lyric immediately made me cry, ” But there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”.

This cry was different. It wasn’t an anxiety cry, it was depression.

I was able to fall asleep and sleep through the night ( *knock on wood). But when I woke up, I had no urgency to get up as I usually do. I felt like I didn’t have any ounce of energy. However, it wasn’t the same exhaustion as I usually get from work. It was an emotional exhaustion.

I was able to get some cleaning done and do my laundry. I took a shower, because I had planned to go to a store just to get out of the house. But after lunch, I just sat in my chair in my room with a constant worry and looked at my phone for any text from him. I knew that getting out of the house would make me feel better, but I couldn’t.

Then I laid on my bed and fell asleep. I had 8 hours of sleep last night, I had caffeine in the morning and I wasn’t ill. So it was very strange that I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon that didn’t have to do with a lack of sleep or being sick.

Again, it was depression.

After a couple of hours of feeling suicidal, feeling worthless, feeling like I will never feel loved.

I finally got the energy to eat something and journal my feelings.

As soon as I started to write down my feelings about the guy. I began to pray and talk to God, which I have done pretty often when I was in a dark depression. I just kept on asking him…WHY? Why bring so many guys in my life that have no interest in me, but talk to me, as if they do like me. Why are they just teasing me and playing with me, then just to hurt me. I’m 31 years old, I’m tired of this!

I had been crying on and off today. Sometimes with or without a warning. And there were many moments where I was in the living room and just started crying. Then I hear a family member walk towards my direction and I quickly have to wipe my tears.

(It’s 7:16 PM and I’m soo sleepy at the moment.)

What I wanted for this new year was….to be OKAY.

I didn’t want to be happy, I didn’t want to have the best year ever.

I just wanted to be OKAY.

We’re 16 days into the new year and I’m already struggling.

F*CK DEPRESSION.

-MEL

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This year:

Wow.

It’s finally the last day of it.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been creating a book about my experiences in 2020: the ups, the downs, the heartbreaks, the movies and songs that helped create a small sense of joy, the struggles and the achievements.

I had a panic attack yesterday.

I’m not entirely sure what triggered it. It could be from having a couple family members over, it could have been the lack of sleep that I had the night before + no coffee. But as family members were over for lunch, I suddenly could feel a panic attack coming and my only thought was to leave.

I didn’t tell anyone where I was going. I just said that I’ll be right back.

I originally wanted to just get Starbucks and come back. But without really thinking about it, I drove to my old neighborhood. For some reason, the trails and the parks in that neighborhood give me some peace and I go there sometimes when I have a panic attack.

On the way there, I was crying. When I cry during a panic attack, it’s a particular feeling and the only word that I can associate with that feeling is “heartbreaking”.

As soon as I parked, I took a long walk. It was very peaceful. I could only hear the birds in the tree, the fews cars driving by and the leaves moving by the wind. My panic attack ended when I felt the cold crisp air as I was walking. Even though I was wearing a mask, I felt like I took a deep breath of fresh air.

One of the thoughts that I said out loud during my panic attack was “I don’t want to experience it again”. I was referring to 2020.

Even though I was able to conquer all the challenges and struggles that I faced, I don’t ever want to go through something like that again.

It was a hard year.

I know it’s been a hard year for everyone in the world. Everyone faced their own challenges and struggles. And I really hope that we don’t experience that, ever again. I’m sorry that you had a hard year.

We are stronger together.

Being an essential worker is hard.

My experience at work has been a series of unfortunate events. From choosing between my health/safety vs. getting paid and working was one of the hardest decisions of my life. The stress from making that decision and getting influenced to one side heavily affected my physical health. One day at work, I got extremely nauseous, had blurry eyesight and I could barely stand up. I started my journey as a solo teacher: running the classroom, handling challenging behaviors and deep cleaning daily. It took a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. When I finally got some help in the morning, I received the news that my co-teacher quit (uhh 3.5 months later). And the floater who has helped me, applied and accepted the job as my new co-teacher. BUT. we came back from a week off and they put a partition in our class. And SURPRISE, we each had our own mini classroom (they didn’t even let us know about it). Then we had months of trying to get used to the new setup and schedule. And then I had a couple of months handling challenging behaviors from one student, where I got hit, kicked and scratched. Things settled down for a little. But, when we go back on Monday….is a different story.

I tried dating again this year (aka dating apps). I had 3 main experiences from it. The first one was during the beginning of the pandemic when things were hard. I really enjoyed talking to him and he was the first person I ever met from a dating app. But I shared my feelings for him, that is when things changed and also when it ended. I didn’t think I would I be interested in the second one. But I really enjoyed getting to know him. And as soon as I got to know him more, his ex called out of nowhere and with lots of thought into it, he went back to her. The third one is current and I feel so comfortable when I’m with him.

With everything that has been happening this year, my mental health has been deteriorating. After a couple of months in this pandemic, I had no clue what to do anymore to help with my mental health. I would get really bad panic attacks and additionally, I was attacking myself and my self-worth.

Going to therapy has been the best decision I made for myself this year.

The only good thing that has come from this pandemic is that it has made therapists more flexible and available. I couldn’t believe that I found a therapist that worked with my schedule and my payments were based up my monthly income.

Additionally, my therapist is great. She has given me new insights to anxieties that ruminate in my head. She was able to help me through hard times at work. We also talked about topics that I have not talked to anyone before. I’m glad that I am able to talk to her on a daily basis.

It’s been a hard year.

We have no clue what 2021 is going to bring us.

But I think that we can handle anything that comes our way.

HAPPY

NEW

YEAR.

-Mel

I’m Waiting for Something Bad to Happen…

(Let’s do a NO EDIT, write everything down post).

How many times can I say how F*CKING HORRIBLE THIS YEAR WAS?!

It just doesn’t seem real. And looking back, I think… “WAIT, THAT WAS ALL IN 8 MONTHS”.

With what’s going on in the world and with myself.

It really has affected me to the point where I’m just WAITING FOR SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN.

It makes me so sad that I let other people’s actions, words, even what they don’t do or don’t say affect me and my self-worth.

It makes me so sad.

I know that I’m a good and kind person. I know that I work hard and do my best.

But I don’t believe that I am.

And it gets to the point where my mind plays tricks on me and makes me overthink every little thing. And it makes me observe what other’s do or say and then my mind makes assumptions and thinks that everyone is out to destroy me.

I had a therapy session today.

And I was expressing how nervous/anxious I am for the holidays and being with my relatives.

It is something that we are going to work out in next week’s sessions.

And the thing that struck out to me was that she pointed out how those times with family doesn’t make me happy, it makes me anxious. Those weren’t the exact words, but it’s something along those lines.

And thus the whole thought of letting others affect me.

There were so many moments this year, when I couldn’t help but break down and cry.

It just felt like, it wasn’t fair. I just kept on getting hit with so many bad circumstances. I didn’t understand WHY.

I remember a couple of months ago. When I talked to this one guy after many failed attempts with other guys. We talked for a month and I started to be like, “hey this guy is pretty great”. And then all of a sudden, he stopped talking to me. After two days, he texted to me to say that his ex called him and they talked about their relationship. So he needed to think about it, so he stopped talking to me to really consider his thoughts and feelings. And I was just thinking, are you kidding me….out of all the times you could have called him about your feelings. It had to be now!!

This was during a time, where work started to settle down. I felt like I wasn’t as stressed anymore. I stopped thinking about that other guy and wasn’t hurt by what happened. And my life was finally okay, for being a sh*tty year.

And then he asked me to call him one day on my lunch break. Before I got that message, I already had strong feelings about it. I was visually upset before he texted me. My co-worker could already tell that I was feeling off and I wasn’t mentally there. After his call, I went back to work and she immediately asked if I was okay. And I just shook my head no and I started crying.

She could tell right away that something was wrong and I wasn’t okay.

And of course, with everything with work. That’s another story.

Oh and one of the most random BAD COINCIDENCES,

When the sleep study test didn’t work the first time. I remember thinking, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME….THIS TOO?”

That’s why I’m so scared.

What’s going to happen next? There HAS to be something that just tops everything else that has happened this year.

And my mind keeps on making up bad “WHAT IF” scenarios in my head. And it’s killing me.

I feel like I’m on edge, every day. Just waiting for something bad to happen.

And that’s just sad, it’s a horrible feeling.

Last Friday, I had a half day off. And honestly, getting off early was the happiest I’ve felt in a long time. I was worried about my students while driving, but then I was immediately glad that I had a break from them.

I decided to go to one of my favorite shopping centers? I’m not sure if that’s what it is. It had all my favorite food places and I knew from instagram, that they added alot of outdoor seating. So I mobile ordered some Shake Shack and ate outside. It was cool and breezy, it felt amazing to have some fresh air. Then I decided to treat myself to a couple of cupcakes from this bakery that I love.

I felt different that day. It was so nice to feel so positive about things and just not having any worries for a couple of hours.

I brought my journal that day to write some things down. And I kinda noticed how I only focused on the negative things that have happened this year. And how I have ignored all the progress that I’ve made.

Now thinking about it, I think I’ve ignored all the progress because I’m scared. I’m scared of having something mess up all the hard work I’ve accomplished.

I’m tired of being scared.

I’m tired of waiting for something bad to happen.

I’m tired of viewing myself so negatively because of others.

I’m tired of using others actions as an excuse of how I view myself.

I’m tired of ignoring my achievements and progress because I’m scared that it will be taken away from me.
I’m tired of my mind making “What If” scenarios in my head to mess with me.

I’m tired of myself….that I listen to my “What if” scenarios and it makes me even more anxious and depressed.

I’m tired.

I’m tired physically.

I’m tired mentally.

& I’m tired emotionally.

I need a break from everything. From work, from family, from myself, from my thoughts.

I just want to breathe.

-MEL

Progress:Therapy

2020….YUP.

It just continues to surprise me.

I started my therapy sessions on the 1st of July and I’ve had a session every week since then.

In my previous experiences with therapy, I would either go to therapy every other week, then at least once a month. And overall, it would last 2-3 months.

There has been a big difference between my three experiences of therapy.

My first therapy experience was when I was 21. Fresh out of a breakup, I went to therapy after falling into a deep depression. With it being my first experience, I didn’t have any knowledge of: depression, anxiety or therapy. I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish in therapy and I didn’t think of any specific goals.

After my therapist immediately diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder. I also began seeing a psychiatrist and was prescribed antidepressants. It was overwhelming. The world of mental health was new to me and then being hit with therapy appointments/psychiatrist appointments weekly and taking medicine daily was too much for me. Since I didn’t have the knowledge of mental health and understanding my own struggles, I thought it was normal for my therapist to give me “advice” like friends and family do. “Oh you just need to stop thinking about it”. My psychiatrist was more understanding of my feelings, but the medication that I was prescribed made me physically feel worse.

After having two different types of appointments weekly and getting a prescription, it took a toll on me financially. During that time, I was working less because I was going to school. And then it was December and I was struggling financially. I was going to community college and I had to register and PAY for my classes for the next semester. I was buying Christmas presents. Also, I was going to the Philippines for 3 weeks, which meant not working for 3 weeks. So I made the decision to stop going to therapy because I couldn’t afford it anymore. PLUS why pay for someone to tell me to “stop thinking about it”, when I get it for free from family and friends.

My second experience with therapy was last year, before I turned 30. I was stuck in the phase of working with one job and waiting for my new job. Which took 6 months. I had a lot of anxiety and frustration with my previous job. And I began having anxiety which was something that I didn’t know how to cope with.

I decided to start trying therapy again. It was very difficult during that time to find a therapist that either had: online/evening/weekend sessions. Also, trying to find a therapist that took my insurance. So after months of searching, I was finally able to find ONE. That therapist worked with children as well. So a majority of our sessions, I was talking about work and the behavior of some students that I had. Our sessions felt like I was venting to a friend. Which was kinda nice, because I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. However, I felt like I wasn’t able to find coping mechanisms for my anxiety and panic attacks.

Then I finally got the call that I was going to start the new (aka my current job). Additionally, I was in between health insurances with one ending and waiting for the new one to process. These therapy sessions was way more than I could afford. After going every other week, I had to go every 3 weeks. When I was in between health insurance, the therapist didn’t accept my new one. And gave me a “discounted rate” which was still way over my budget. So I had to end therapy sessions with her too.

Then 2020 happened….

What a f*cking year. And it’s only October.

After all the stress that occurred since COVID began, I decided that I NEED to go back to therapy. I began looking in June. The only good thing about COVID is that more therapists had flexible appointments and had a great affordable rate.

The one thing that kept me from going to therapy was the cost. With the past experiences of not being able to afford it, it pushed me away. But with all the sh*t that I went through at the beginning of the pandemic, I prioritized my mental health and included it in my financial plans.

After those past experiences, I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish in therapy. I wanted to have someone to talk to with experiences that I haven’t shared with anyone else such as: dating apps, the end of a friendship, being isolated from family members, and more.

From my first session with my therapist, I could tell immediately that she was listening to me. She wasn’t judging me and made sure to let me know that my feelings were valid. Which was an amazing feeling.

In our first month of sessions, I talked about all the stress and anxiety that I was feeling with work and my one student with challenging behaviors. She was able to listen to me. We dug down deep into my feelings and find out the reason why I’m feeling those ways. With the situation at work, I talked about my one student a lot and how it was affecting me. And we talked about how I was letting that one student determine my self-worth.

This therapy experience is different because we don’t just talk about situations and feelings, we find out the reasons why I have those feelings. I’ve never shared those deep feelings with anyone before. And it’s the first time where I feel mentally exhausted after therapy. I spend an hour after my sessions just laying on my bed because I’m so tired. She incorporates my self-care practices into what we talk about during therapy. Since I journal and keep track of habits, symptoms, etc. I began journaling more about my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t think I would have survived these past couple of months if I didn’t have therapy. And I am so thankful that I am able to afford to go to therapy every week. We’ve gotten to a point where I stopped talking about my struggles at work and started to talk about topics that I haven’t been able to share before. And some weeks, we talk about coping mechanisms.

Even though, it’s been a rough year. I am glad that I made my mental health a priority and am able to get the help that I need.

-Mel

Pain:Mental & Physical.

It has been a rough week.

I was hit with some unexpected moments….then depression occurred. Followed by panic attacks. Followed by hitting rock bottom. Followed by suicidal thoughts. Followed by: nausea, upset stomach, migraines and forcing myself to eat.

I cried so much.

It was the type of crying when you feel your heart break.

It began last Friday. I actually had a good week at work. & I left work so happy for the 3-Day Weekend. Then later that night, I suddenly became really sad and cried. And I had no idea why. I immediately thought about the relationships and friendships I’ve had. And I just kept on asking myself “WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO STAY”.

I had been talking to a guy for almost a month. And then all of a sudden, he just stopped talking to me the next day. And then my feelings of anxiety grew.

On Sunday, I began having panic attacks. I couldn’t understand what happened. And then I began to feel extremely nauseous throughout the day. I barely could eat and I felt like I was forcing myself to eat.

On Monday, he texted me that his ex called him that Friday night. And that he needed time to think about their conversation and basically, think about if he wanted to be back with her or still continue with the relationship that we were forming. That increased my depression and anxiety. It was supposed to be a great day off and I was filled with worried thoughts. I spent the next couple of days anticipating for his text or call telling me that he wants to be back with his ex. I didn’t want to assume anything. But he needed days to think about his relationship with his ex. If he liked me enough, he wouldn’t need 5 days to think about i. I felt extremely nauseous that day.

I was depressed, hitting rock bottom.

On Wednesday, I just walked into work and my co-worker immediately noticed a change in me. She asked if everything was okay and I was like, “yeah”. She didn’t believe me and then I shook my head “no”. I was crying at the beginning of nap time at work before she came in to give me my lunch. I think my mind knew that it was going to happen that day. And then it did. He texted me and asked to talk to me during lunch. I called him and my intuitions were right. He wanted to go back with his ex. I couldn’t say a single word when we talked.

And then when we ended the call, I texted him that I was really upset about the timing of this. I told him that I was depressed during those days we didn’t talk and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for the people who were in my life. And now I wasn’t good enough for him.

I still had nausea and forced myself to eat. The mental and physical pain that I was experiencing was so intense that I wanted it to stop. And I wanted to end my life for that pain to stop.

Again my co-worker had noticed that something was wrong when I came back from work. She asked if I needed a hug and I was crying and shook my head yes. I cried for the rest of that nap time. And felt more nauseous at the end of nap time knowing that I had to stop my tears and pretend that I was okay.

Then I started getting a migraine at 7PM that night.

On Thursday, I woke up with that same migraine. I had an aura and felt like my vision was blurry. And I was still feeling nauseous. Then when I was driving home from work, I got a call from my mom saying that she was taking my dad to the ER. So I was having anxiety when my mom wasn’t calling with any updates. I couldn’t sleep that night to the worries I was having.

Then on Friday, fortunately all my dad’s tests results were great but he had to stay for more tests. I still had some worries throughout work. Then my one student decided to have a bad day to end my horrible week. I was already feeling anxious and nauseous. Then I was getting an upset stomach from all the stress.

I hate how when you are hurting mentally, then you are hurting physically.

It’s bad enough that your mind is messing with you, then your body reacts and attacks you.

I hate it when I’m depressed. It just kills my spirit and I feel like I don’t know who I am.

So

Let’s start off the new week on a positive note, let’s try.

I think I need a break from dating apps. It’s done nothing but hurt me this year. I think with the first guy, I was getting used to talking to someone everyday. So I just kept on staying on the dating apps because I just wanted to talk to someone. I just deleted the apps and need to have self-control and not download the apps again.

I’m going to try my best to do more things than lay down and watch Youtube and Netflix when I’m home. I’m going to try to be more productive. The depression made me feel so sluggish and unable to achieve anything.

Also, I think I need time to write down and process everything I felt. So it’s all out of my head.

Let’s start another week.

No expectations.

No disappointments.

-MEL

Finding the Positive in the Negative.

It’s finally August 1st.

July was a f*cking hard month.

Mentally, Physically and Emotionally.

I turned the page on my calendar from July to August.

A calendar where I write down one positive thing that happened in the day. If it was a hard day, I made myself find one positive thing that occurred. Many of those hard days, I typically write “survived the day”.

Many of those dates of July said “survived the day” or “going home”. To be exact 10 “going home” and 5 “survived the day”. 15 out of 31 days.

Days before July started, I was already in a battle with my mind. I made myself feel “not good enough” for one person. Additionally, I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship. And what’s worse was that I had a week off with my mind.

Fortunately, I started therapy on the first of July.

After my week off, work changed drastically every week.

The moment I walked into work after having a week off, my classroom literally changed from one classroom into two. Before my break, I was finally having a co-teacher and we were both so excited to work with each other. Then we each had a mini classroom and couldn’t work together. That first week of a divided classroom, I still had to work by myself in the afternoons. My co-teacher had not started working full time yet. And it was difficult to keep 9 kids in one small classroom for a week.

The next week was interesting, I spent the first half at work and the second week in quarantine. It was the first week of having two classes and we had 5 new/returning students. It was chaotic. Our schedule was rushed and we barely had any materials since they split the toys and materials into two. Then Thursday I woke up feeling so weak. I was trying to just take the day or half a day off. But with COVID, I had to call my doctors and see what their opinion was. Many of the symptoms of COVID are symptoms I experience many times, way before COVID. With anxiety, I already have a hard time breathing and get sore throats. Also, I get headaches all the time. I had to go to a Respiratory “Urgent Care” (aka tents in the parking garage). I got a strep throat test and COVID test. My vitals and breathing were healthy and the doctor had no concerns. However I had to be in quarantine for 3 days while my test was being processed. No complaints there. (Oh it was negative, by the way).

I came back from my unexpected 4 day weekend worried about what happened while I was gone. It was the Floater’s first week there and she already had to sub for me. From what she told me, everything went well. However that 4 day weekend didn’t help with my challenging student’s behavior during nap time. All my progress with him regressed and he was back to hitting and kicking me, along with the floater and my co-teacher. And after the third day in a row, I had a panic attack and was ready to quit. Thankfully, that week we had a Staff Development Day and was closed on Friday. I spent time talking to my director and we tried to come up with ways to see if we could switch students around, which was impossible because that one student has conflict with so many other students. I was stuck.

It was affecting me so much mentally. I felt like I was failing as a teacher. I was so frustrated and got so angry at work. I raised my voice at students and took away so many things. I cried on the way home from work one day and the following day going to work. THIS IS NOT THE REASON WHY I BECAME A TEACHER.

I had therapy this week. My therapist could tell how I’m letting the behavior of my challenging student affect my self-worth and my quality as a teacher. And I was…

I barely slept or ate in the past couple of weeks. And that is probably why I’m feeling very fatigued and weak.

This week, I changed my perspective on my student’s challenging behavior during nap. Instead of making him lay on his mat quietly and wait until the last 45 mins to do a quiet activity. He had to earn the quiet activity. I made him a visual schedule, something I’ve learned while working with children in special education. He is helping wiping the chairs and tables after lunch to get his energy out. Then he has to rest for 30 mins, then read books. Afterwards, he has a quiet activity and a “mystery activity”. But if his voice is not quiet or his body is not calm throughout each activity, he cannot get the next activity. He has to work and earn it. Hopefully this will be the answer to my problem with him.

Along with problems and challenges at work.

I had a couple of scares with my mom going to the ER twice.

I found out that my next door neighbor committed suicided. (Hearing someone commit suicide is a trigger for me.)

I had about many migraines. More than I typically have in a month.

Really bad migraines that: made my vision blurry, was a pounding and unbearable pain. It also made me feel nauseous for days.

Additionally, I realized through a trauma coach and therapy….I have been experiencing trauma from past relationships.

Some positives about this month:

• HAMILTON!!!
• Finally got a haircut
• The days I had off. Due to: my vacation, my unexpected 2 days off and getting off at noon on my staff development day.
• When one of my students told me, “Ms. Melissa, you’re so beautiful everyday”
• Coffee.
• A negative COVID test
• Videos from Instagram making me laugh.
• Organized and decluttered my desk.
• Finally finished errands I put off for months,
• The amazing floater who barely started. But she has helped me with my class, my students and comforted me when I was having a panic attack.

So yea…

That was my month.

I’m glad it’s over.

I’m starting this month with a positive perspective.

Hello August.

-MEL