Uncertainty, Gloomy Weather, Lightheadedness and Just Trying to Survive the Day.

Tomorrow is the start of September.

And I honestly don’t know how August just suddenly ended. Because I feel like I didn’t fully experience this month.

It was a crazy month.

It became a month of uncertainty.

I didn’t know what each day consisted of. And there were nights where I would worry on what could possibly happen the next day.

This month began with major changes at work. My co-teacher had her last week of her two week notice. Which turned into 1.5 days because she sprained her ankle and couldn’t go into work. Then in that same week… we had 6 transitions ( aka new students in our class) start on the SAME DAY. And it wasn’t the most easy-going students. Lots of attitude and lots of “NO”. At the same time, the last few older students in our class were not being good examples to our newer friends. Chaos would be the best word to describe the atmosphere in the classroom.

There was one day, where 10 minutes before my shift, I was having a panic attack. And 5 minutes before my shift, I had to quickly calm myself down and stop my panic attack.

I was just trying to survive each day. Nothing more. Just trying to survive. All in one week, new students and my co-teacher leaving.

And the uncertainty of who would be helping me in the class. It became a game of: is this sub going to be helpful or not?

Then somehow the universe gave us a break. A student got the virus. And our classroom was closed to the students that were directly exposed.

For the past two weeks, we had a quiet classroom. The most kids we had were 7. I got to declutter and change the entire classroom to a system that makes sense. We set rules and classroom management to start fresh when everyone came back.

That was a example of a good uncertainty that occurred.

However, with all the bad uncertainty that happened. It deeply affected how my body felt. Every weekend, it felt like my body was screaming at me to take a break. I would get lightheaded, dizzy, extreme fatigue and nausea.

Then the weather kept on changing which affected my physical health even more, plus my mood.

We had many dark, gloomy and random rainy days. Which is uncommon for us during this time of year. There were some hot days sprinkled in between. But the change in weather made me feel under the weather (not Covid related). But having a dry cough only in the morning and then disappearing in the afternoon.

Then I went on a date with someone and no matter how much I prepped my mental health for that date. I immediately became anxious the moment the date ended. To the point where I didn’t sleep that night because the worries would not stop. Nothing could stop it or distract it. I don’t know what triggered it, because I felt like the date went well. Even my therapist asked, what happened?? She thought I was mentally and emotionally ready to date. And I thought so too. But I guess I wasn’t.

Today was a pretty good representation of my August.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I randomly woke up at 3. Then at 5am, the power went out & I hear my parents in the hallway arguing on how to open the garage with no power. An hour later, the power finally came back.

Then I went to work and it was full of emotions. Many kids came back from their two weeks “off”. It felt like everyone was crying and sad for the smallest thing. And it felt like every 15 minutes, someone was crying. I was not fully awake to deal with all the emotions.

Then the sub was late coming back from lunch. Then it pushed back my co-workers lunch and furthermore, my lunch. And I couldn’t go to lunch late because I had therapy during my lunch. I was NOT going to miss my therapy session. With most students napping, I got the go-ahead to leave my lunch on time leaving the sub in the class.

BUT of course, 5 minutes before my lunch. One student wakes up crying for mom and asks to go to the bathroom. Her cry is so loud, it wakes up two students. Then 1 minute before my lunch, one of those students said that she needed to change. So I had to bring her to the bathroom and change everything. Then once I was finished, she starts crying and missing mom. And the sub couldn’t help because she had to sit with one student who was having a hard nap time.

So I could just hear crying and screaming in my class as I’m leaving. But I was not going to miss therapy, I needed it.

Then being extremely sleepy and not having a lunch, I was just over it. And just trying to survive !

Then I get home (aka a millennial who can’t afford her own place and has to live with her parents), and my mom is in the worst mood. And furthermore, transfers that negative energy to my dad. And all they did was argue the rest of the night. And when they argue, they don’t even listen to what the other one is saying. Which ends up with my mom crying.

I had no sleep, a day with half my class crying. I don’t need a household filled with: anger, tension, crying and yelling.

I don’t know what September will bring.

Because that’s my life.

But I’m going to try to literally take things one day at a time, one hour at a time.

If I just need to survive the day, then that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve been at rock bottom already this year. And it’s been a horrible feeling.

I’m trying to push through and get away from that direction.

I’m gonna sleep.

Bye.

-Mel

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Anxiety ruins my life.

I just had a first date with this guy I’ve been talking to, for about a month.

I thought the date went well and I want to see him again.

But immediately, as soon as I said bye to him. My anxiety kicked in.

What if he didn’t like me? What if all the hype of meeting each other after many delayed dates wasn’t worth it for him? He didn’t really have too much physical interaction, wait he doesn’t like me?? Do first dates end with a kiss or hug? I don’t know. I guess he didn’t feel the same way??

What if he doesn’t text me anymore after tonight?

What if he ghosts me (like the other guys)?

What if?

What if ?

What if?

Why do you have to do this to me? Anxiety…why?

Why can’t I focus more on how handsome he is, his smile or his hug? The fact that he said, I’ll talk to you soon. Or that he responded to my text when I got home and texted him thank you for dinner.

No. Because anxiety has to f*cking ruin it.

I didn’t have too much anxiety all day prior to the date.

But anxiety was there waiting for me, as soon as I said bye to him.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my anxious mind diverting my mind towards overthinking and negative thoughts.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to feel like my life is going into a good direction. And not have suspicions that something bad is going to happen when life gets steady.

I hate you anxiety.

-Mel

I had a panic attack at my cousin’s wedding.

It’s been a couple of months since my last post.

But I thought it was important to share what happened on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

My last post talked about how I felt so out of place and felt like I didn’t belong in my family, when I was at the rehearsal dinner.

So naturally, I already had a lot of anxiety on the day of my cousin’s wedding.

I barely had sleep the night before and it added to the anxiety I already had. I could feel the anxiety of the day before the day even began.

I felt fine that morning, despite the lack of sleep. We spent the morning in the penthouse where all the women got their hair and make-up ready. I spent the majority of that time on my phone, which helped my anxiety. And after getting my make-up done and getting ready for the wedding. I thought I was going to be fine.

I did not know where to go, where to sit or stand before the ceremony. I felt so strange not having anyone to interact with….and my anxiety grew. I finally just sat where most of my relatives were and thought I would be okay.

I cried when the doors opened and I saw my beautiful cousin walk down the aisle. That moment really hit me. I felt a sudden rush of memories, from the time we were little to the present time, flashed before my eyes. I was really close to her when we were younger and like with everyone else, we got distant as we grew older.

Once the ceremony ended and the cocktail hour started. That’s when the anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know where to go. I felt my heart beating quickly and I started to feel so confused. Because I had no where to go and I had no where to escape.

I was guided to go outside to take photos with the family and the bride.

One moment that struck me was the girl cousins were all gathered and they called me in. And I thought it was for everyone & no one else came up with me. And I thought I made a mistake because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. I walked out and they were saying no I’m part of the picture.

It was a nice gesture to include me as part of a photo. But looking at the pictures now and seeing how I’m the only one that doesn’t have the same dress hurts. What hurts even more is looking at my smile in that photo. I was hurting so much, but I had to try so hard to fake that smile.

Once we were done, we took our seats for dinner. I was in the back and close to the bathrooms. I sat with my cousins, my cousins kids and my brother. So again, I thought I was fine.

But throughout dinner, everyone at my table would leave for various reasons. To help with the DJ, to take photo booth photos, to get a drink, to go outside and the two little girls were just running around. I would look around and see all the girl cousins at the photo booth together & that they all sat next to each other too. A majority of that dinner, I sat by myself in the corner. And that set my anxiety into high gear.

I didn’t know where to go. I could feel a panic attack coming. And I didn’t know what to do. I figured that it was best to go to the bathroom. And as soon as I closed that stall door, I started crying, hyperventilating and having a panic attack.

If I could, I would have stayed in that bathroom all night. It was the only place that felt safe.

I kept on going back and forth from my table to the bathroom to cry or continue my panic attack. Or the seats outside the bathroom, which didn’t feel too safe because everyone was coming in and out of there.

Towards the end of the night before the dancing began, I become overstimulated as well as having a panic attack. If I was at the table, I would cover my ears and close my eyes. If not, I was in the bathroom crying or sitting in the seats outside the bathroom covering my ears.

I couldn’t leave the venue on my own or even to step outside. We were in the heart of downtown and on a Friday night, it probably wasn’t safe for me to go outside on my own.

My mom could sense that I was very uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel (which was 2 blocks down). I said yes, hoping my dad would come too. But he stayed. My anxiety increased as my mom and I, walked two blocks in downtown. I was trying to speed walk/run to the hotel but couldn’t leave my mom behind.

Once we got to the hotel and got safely back to our hotel room, I felt like I was able to breathe again. Along with some donuts we had in our room, I felt a lot better.

I felt so uncomfortable in a wedding where half the guests were my family.

I prepared myself for weeks in therapy for that day.

But no matter how much I prepared, it wasn’t enough to help my anxiety or help with my panic attack.

Ever since that day, I always think about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaids or maid of honors, and it breaks my heart. All my friendships and relationships with cousins diminished. And if they aren’t there for me for my tough mental days (or at least talk to me), then why would I have them as part of my “special” day??

I had to completely take myself out of my comfort zone for that wedding. If it wasn’t family, I wouldn’t have gone to that wedding.

I always have to sacrifice my mental health, my comfort level for my family. Going to family events when I feel uncomfortable.

I wish they would go out of their comfort zones for me. Ask me how I’m truly feeling, asking about mental health. If I have a panic attack, just being present. Or just including me in things as their family because they WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.

-Mel

I don’t feel like I belong in my family

I can’t sleep because all the anxiety I had being with relatives today.

I was at a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my cousin’s wedding.

I’m not part of the wedding. But since my parents are part of it, then I got to go. Same with the dinner.

I walked into the venue. Dressed in what I wore to work (a nice skirt and flats). I didn’t have time to change. And everyone was dressed up as if it were the wedding day. All the girls coincidentally wore spaghetti strap maxi dresses and heels. I immediately felt out of place.

Everyone was off in little groups here and there. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

A couple minutes in and I already felt like an outsider with my own family. But that wasn’t the first time.

I was preparing for the anxiety that I will have over this long family weekend. I had many therapy sessions about this. But the feeling of loneliness wasn’t anything that I prepared for.

Naturally my anxiety got worse over dinner. I was already exhausted from my morning with my students. I was feeling out of place at the rehearsals. And now I had to sit there for hours. And all I could do was be glued to my phone.

I hear all the girl cousins and the rest of the bridesmaid’s OOOHs and AWWS as they opened their bridesmaid gifts. I heard lots of loud conversations and laughter.

I immediately became overstimulated and overwhelmed from the environment.

At a point, I felt like the world was spinning around me. It was too much for me. I had to turn my body to the side, and put one hand up to my ear to lessen the volume. I had to whisper and repeat “ I am safe. I am safe. I am okay. It will be over soon.”

I have been dealing with being an outsider in my family for years. Just because I shared my mental health struggles over social media. And when my anxiety got too bad at family parties, I took time to take care of it.

I suddenly thought about my future wedding. And how I won’t have any bridesmaid or maid of honor at my wedding. I’m crying as I type that.

I won’t have a wedding like how this wedding is. Not have bridesmaids or maid of honors. Not having people for a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. Just because I don’t have anyone close to me.

Because they all pushed me away, just because I have depression and anxiety.

I push myself out of my comfort zone to be there for them. To be at places that I am not comfortable with. For them.

But they can’t go out of their comfort zone to have a conversation with me about my mental health. Or at least, be there for my physically. Or at least say “How are you doing?” And mean it.

I have 3 more days of family events.

What do I do ?

-Mel

Pain:Mental & Physical.

It has been a rough week.

I was hit with some unexpected moments….then depression occurred. Followed by panic attacks. Followed by hitting rock bottom. Followed by suicidal thoughts. Followed by: nausea, upset stomach, migraines and forcing myself to eat.

I cried so much.

It was the type of crying when you feel your heart break.

It began last Friday. I actually had a good week at work. & I left work so happy for the 3-Day Weekend. Then later that night, I suddenly became really sad and cried. And I had no idea why. I immediately thought about the relationships and friendships I’ve had. And I just kept on asking myself “WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO STAY”.

I had been talking to a guy for almost a month. And then all of a sudden, he just stopped talking to me the next day. And then my feelings of anxiety grew.

On Sunday, I began having panic attacks. I couldn’t understand what happened. And then I began to feel extremely nauseous throughout the day. I barely could eat and I felt like I was forcing myself to eat.

On Monday, he texted me that his ex called him that Friday night. And that he needed time to think about their conversation and basically, think about if he wanted to be back with her or still continue with the relationship that we were forming. That increased my depression and anxiety. It was supposed to be a great day off and I was filled with worried thoughts. I spent the next couple of days anticipating for his text or call telling me that he wants to be back with his ex. I didn’t want to assume anything. But he needed days to think about his relationship with his ex. If he liked me enough, he wouldn’t need 5 days to think about i. I felt extremely nauseous that day.

I was depressed, hitting rock bottom.

On Wednesday, I just walked into work and my co-worker immediately noticed a change in me. She asked if everything was okay and I was like, “yeah”. She didn’t believe me and then I shook my head “no”. I was crying at the beginning of nap time at work before she came in to give me my lunch. I think my mind knew that it was going to happen that day. And then it did. He texted me and asked to talk to me during lunch. I called him and my intuitions were right. He wanted to go back with his ex. I couldn’t say a single word when we talked.

And then when we ended the call, I texted him that I was really upset about the timing of this. I told him that I was depressed during those days we didn’t talk and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for the people who were in my life. And now I wasn’t good enough for him.

I still had nausea and forced myself to eat. The mental and physical pain that I was experiencing was so intense that I wanted it to stop. And I wanted to end my life for that pain to stop.

Again my co-worker had noticed that something was wrong when I came back from work. She asked if I needed a hug and I was crying and shook my head yes. I cried for the rest of that nap time. And felt more nauseous at the end of nap time knowing that I had to stop my tears and pretend that I was okay.

Then I started getting a migraine at 7PM that night.

On Thursday, I woke up with that same migraine. I had an aura and felt like my vision was blurry. And I was still feeling nauseous. Then when I was driving home from work, I got a call from my mom saying that she was taking my dad to the ER. So I was having anxiety when my mom wasn’t calling with any updates. I couldn’t sleep that night to the worries I was having.

Then on Friday, fortunately all my dad’s tests results were great but he had to stay for more tests. I still had some worries throughout work. Then my one student decided to have a bad day to end my horrible week. I was already feeling anxious and nauseous. Then I was getting an upset stomach from all the stress.

I hate how when you are hurting mentally, then you are hurting physically.

It’s bad enough that your mind is messing with you, then your body reacts and attacks you.

I hate it when I’m depressed. It just kills my spirit and I feel like I don’t know who I am.

So

Let’s start off the new week on a positive note, let’s try.

I think I need a break from dating apps. It’s done nothing but hurt me this year. I think with the first guy, I was getting used to talking to someone everyday. So I just kept on staying on the dating apps because I just wanted to talk to someone. I just deleted the apps and need to have self-control and not download the apps again.

I’m going to try my best to do more things than lay down and watch Youtube and Netflix when I’m home. I’m going to try to be more productive. The depression made me feel so sluggish and unable to achieve anything.

Also, I think I need time to write down and process everything I felt. So it’s all out of my head.

Let’s start another week.

No expectations.

No disappointments.

-MEL

I Deserve Better.

It’s 4am on a work day. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep.

But I guess 4am is the time for realizations.

Yesterday was a very frustrating day at work. It was like, a tiny thing in the universe was out of sync and it made my students forget everything that they’ve learned and were OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

It was too much. Students talking back. Students not listening. One student hitting the teacher who gives me my lunch break (he had hit me the day before). Students running around in the class and just dumping all the toys on the tables and floors. It was like I was in an alternate universe.

Because I teach my students to be kind and respectful to their friends, teachers and to themselves.

And I absolutely lost my patience. I had to take away so many toys and raised my teacher voice to the highest level. It ended up giving me a migraine.

I spent last night going over what happened at work. And how I had to yell and raise my voice.

That’s not me. That’s not why I became a teacher.

I’ve had many issues at work, that I’ve shared so many times on this blog. And yes, I don’t know why I’m still working there. When it didn’t give me support for challenging students. We had an entire class that had so much high energy kids and we had one student that we had to constantly keep an eye on & had challenges with. And that I’m still having challenges with until this day.

When I spent the first month of the pandemic doing work fit for two teachers. Additionally, they gave me a weird break schedule when I was a solo teacher. Getting my AM breaks at around 10:45-11am. Getting my lunch at 12pm and not getting my PM breaks until 5pm (during that time we had to sanitize everything, so I only gave myself a 5 min break to catch up)

Then the teacher who has supported me throughout my time being a solo teacher, finally became my co-teacher. Then they put a f*cking wall in my class and we each had our own mini classrooms. Which has so many challenges because our schedule is rushed and we only have a bathroom on one side of the classroom (not my side). And we barely have any materials in our class, because they split up the materials unevenly.

And I went from having the same 7 kids for months to now having about 16 kids total. We had one or two added months later. Then we got 5 new/ returning kids in one week.

And I’m still having problems with my challenging student.

I need to start standing up for myself now.

I really need to leave. I’ve dealt with so much sh*t with this job. And no one really realizes how much I went through. And how hard I worked.

I deserve better.

I deserve a job that I can come to work and leave work feeling satisfied. I deserve a job not feeling frustrated or having a panic attack coming home from work. I deserve a job where I don’t worry about what’s going to happen. I deserve a job that makes me feel like, “yes this is what I’m supposed to be doing”. I deserve a job that doesn’t make me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted every single day.

Another thing also has happened since March.

I am 31 and finally realize that if a guy doesn’t have the same feelings for me, then I don’t need to change myself to make them like me. Also, I don’t need to put myself down when they don’t have the same feelings for me.

I’ve talked to two guys throughout this pandemic.

Both had the intention of wanting to sleep with me. Nothing more.

The first guy I talked to for months before we finally were able to meet up. Then I began to have feelings for him. I wanted to be honest and tell him, instead of hiding my feelings. After I told him my feelings, he only messaged me once. And after a week of making myself feel like I’m not good enough, I decided to “leave” (aka unmatch).

You would think that made me feel better.

However…

Now that I had experienced communicating with someone on a daily basis. I didn’t like the feeling of not receiving any messages and not having someone to talk to.

I tried to fill that void and tried to talk to other guys. I didn’t want to feel lonely again. But in reality, I wasn’t really lonely. Because I’ve spent years not having someone to talk to. It was just a nice feeling of being able to communicate with someone again.

I talked to another guy and I’ve talked to him for weeks.

We FaceTimed the other night for the first time and suddenly he doesn’t message me. (Yes, I know it’s only been one day). After talking to him, I realized that he’s pretty cute and I liked talking to him. Then he doesn’t message the following day.

And I spent all day: replaying our conversation in my head. And kept on criticizing myself for things I said and thought maybe I should of said this instead.

I hated having that feeling of: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

I guess waking up at 4am was helpful. Because it clicked.

What am I doing?

Why am I only talking to guys who are only interested in me because they want to sleep with me? They butter me up by talking to me and probably acting like their interested in me. Once they are get what want, then they suddenly aren’t interested in talking to me.

I deserve better.

I deserve a guy who likes me for me. I deserve a guy that I don’t have to change myself to make them like me. I deserve a guy who I trust and trusts me back.

I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me worried about my actions and doesn’t makes me question “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?”

I’m not saying that I am the best person in the world and deserve the best things in life.

But I work hard. I’m a kind person. I think about others more than myself.

I deserve better than a job that negatively affects my mental and physical health. A job that makes me lose my passion for working in the education field.

I deserve better than guys who want nothing more than to sleep with me. I deserve a good guy who likes me, simply for me.

I need to walk away & know that I am so much better than others making me question my own self-worth.

My alarm just went off.

Time to start a new day. Not with a new perspectives on my life.

I deserve better.

-Mel

4 AM

This is the THIRD Saturday in a row where I have woken up at 4am.

No nightmares. Not feeling too cold or too hot. No loud noises waking me up.

Just naturally waking up at 4am.

And I wrote my previous post around 11pm last night and fell asleep around 12:45am.

So yea… I didn’t get too much sleep.

Now it’s a thing for Saturday’s now…

And I couldn’t understand why.

I’ve had bad insomnia before where I would wake up or sleep at the same time every night. There was one summer when I fell asleep at 5am everyday. Or one phase when I would sleep at 11pm, wake up at 1am and go back to sleep on a daily basis.

Having the same sleeping schedule is normal when it’s on a daily basis. But this occasion is weird, its EVERY SATURDAY AT 4am. Not Friday then Saturday. Specifically every Saturday. Between 4-4:30am. No matter what time I slept the night before. I still woke up around 4am.

And what’s one thing you do when you’re confused about something? You Google it!

So I typed in waking up at 4am.

And apparently… waking up at 4am. Specifically the hour of 4am has something to do with breathing and the lungs. And it also can mean sadness, feeling disappointed, just depression in general.

And now I get it. I generally have a hard time being able to breathe lately because my anxiety gets really bad. So that explains the breathing and lungs part.

And uh…the last post written a couple of hours ago said I wanted to kill myself. So the sadness and depression explains it too.

I just don’t understand why every Saturday. Like I’m glad it’s a Saturday and not a work day. Running on less than 4 hours of sleep being a Pre K teacher wouldn’t be the best thing. So I’m glad my body decides to do it on the weekend, so I could either sleep in or take a nap.

I’ve been feeling small amounts of depression here or there in the past couple of weeks. And my body is physically reacting to it.

And it’s almost 6am now….

Now what?

-Mel

Why am I still here?

I’m going to be honest here.

And say that at this moment,

I’m crying and having a hard time breathing.

I usually wait until after a panic attack or suicidal thoughts to write these.

But I need to say everything that I’m feeling in the state that I’m currently in.

I don’t want to be here anymore. And I have these thoughts so many times and I never act upon it.

Why? Why am I still here?

Why didn’t I follow my plan and kill myself before I turned 18?

Maybe I thought my life would get better.

But I was wrong, I turn 31 in a couple of weeks.

And I hate my life so much.

And I don’t like admitting that. Because I know people are having worse problems than I do.

I hate myself. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I am impatient I am when it comes to people texting or messaging back. I hate how things got worse after graduating college.

I hate how scared I am to do things.

Why? why did I stay alive?

I still think about that one day when I was so fucking depressed. And I had a plan to kill myself. And I told my parents that I wasn’t going to a family party because I didn’t feel good… so I can kill myself. And I got yelled at and had to go. I had a plan. And I really wanted to do it.

Life wasn’t worth it.

And I never feel like I’m good enough. Wasn’t good enough for my past boyfriends because they left me for other girls. Never good enough my mom.

Not good enough for my friends and cousins. Because I shared about my mental health and they decide to stop talking to me.

I want this pain to end.

I want to kill myself because I want this pain to end.

The pain of not being satisfied with my career path. The pain of being lonely because people leave. The pain of not accomplishing your goals by the time I reached my 30s. I’ve been in my 30s for almost a year now and I fully regret not killing myself when I was 18.

It wasn’t worth it.

I thought things would get better. But it’s not and I have to pretend every fucking day that I’m okay.

I’m not.

And yet, I still won’t kill myself.

I’m going to stay alive.

Why? I don’t know

Write on…

I prefer writing over typing any day.

When I was in college, I always bought a notebook for notes,even though I brought my laptop everywhere with me.

In my room, I have about a thousand journals. All unfinished. All with a different purpose.

Writing. Physically.

For different purposes.

There’s just something about it.

In school, when writing down information physically. I am to remember things more and actually understand what I’m learning about.

When I write about my worries, I feel like I’m letting my worries go as I write those feelings onto paper. And when I am able to read my worries, I can clearly see what’s factual and what anxious thoughts were roaming around my mind.

When I write down my letters to NO ONE. I am able to let every emotion deep down inside of me out. I am able to fully express how I feel towards someone, even if they will never read it.

When I write down the events of the day, I am able to recall and reflect how the day went. Additionally, I’m able to read old entries from months ago and feel nostalgic about it.

Today, I started to write in a journal again.

No notes. No worries. No letters. No outlines of my day.

I just wrote how I felt. No pretty handwriting. No editing on my grammar. No proofreads. Just writing everything that comes from my mind.

Just writing what I feel and how I feel without any limitations.

I haven’t done this in years. And looking at all my feelings written in words in front of me might just give me closure or an insight of what I need to do.

Write it down.

-Mel

“It’s National Suicide Prevention Week. And just a couple of hours ago, I wanted to end my life.”

It’s National Suicide Prevention Week.

Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day.

And just a couple of hours ago, I wanted to end my life.

Typically around this time, I will talk about the importance of this week.
But this year, I have been quiet about it.

These past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind and I’ve been putting my emotions to the side, only because I didn’t want to deal with it.

I’m not okay. And I knew that at any moment, I could just explode with emotion.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation about photography and cameras with my brother and cousin.

And later on, I thought about how I don’t take photos anymore.

Photography was such an important thing in my life for such a long time.

And then all of a sudden, I stopped taking photos. Not on my camera and not on my phone.

And that made me so sad. I love photography so much and it sucks that it’s not really in my life anymore. And it sucks that I don’t have the motivation or desire to do it anymore. That was the trigger.

I left work today with my anxiety building up in me. I was kinda embarrassed because I was taking out the trash. I was not informed that the cleaners were coming that day. And I could just see the stares from my other co-workers about it. This was the explosion.

As I was driving home, I barely left work and my mind exploded with the thought “I’M NOT OKAY!”. I’m so sick and tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not.

I thought about how I’m 30 and there’s nothing in my life that is worth living anymore. I thought about how I don’t fit in with my co-workers at work. I thought about how I don’t have ANYONE to talk to anymore: no friends, no cousins and now no therapists. I’m all alone with my thoughts and have no one to share it with. I thought about how embarrassing it is that I cannot afford my own place due to student loans and helping my family out. I thought about how I spend so much time at home because I have no one to talk to and have nothing really to do. I also thought about how I’m 30 and I don’t have my life together.

So what’s the point of living? If I’m gone, life will still move on.

But I don’t do it. I don’t kill myself. I don’t do it. For my family.

But I think about it all the time.

And I lie. I don’t tell my therapists about it. I don’t tell the helplines about it.

It’s a thought that’s so deep and personal and I’m afraid to share it with others.

During my 30 minute car ride home, I also thought about how I recently found out that I need glasses. And I thought about my eye sight and how it only got slightly worse on one side due to a mild concussion I had 9 years ago.

When I worked at a bakery cafe years ago, I got a mild concussion. I didn’t think it was a big deal in the beginning. Someone put a big box (containing large soda cup lids) on a top shelf like half way hanging off right next to the walk-in (big fridge). I knew it was there and somehow during the shift, I opened the door quick or something and the box rapidly fell on the back of my head.

My co-workers made it a huge deal. I was just embarrassed of the fact that a box of lids fell on me. My co-worker made me put ice on it. And later I did find a medium sized bump on my head. Days later, I felt vertigo when I was in class and didn’t feel good. Later during the week, I went to the doctor provided by the company. And they saw a slight difference in my eyesight. And now 9 years later, I definitely need glasses.

But I thought about an event that happened while I was going through this mild concussion.

During this time, I was significantly depressed. Especially after finding out that my ex definitely broke up with me to be with another girl.

With my concussion, I had to be very careful not to hit my head and make it worse.

But I was so depressed at the time and I purposely hit my head.

I was in so much pain emotionally and mentally that I just wanted to get the thoughts of him and the girl out of my head.

So I hit my head on the steering wheel of my car. And then I banged my head on the wall….on the back of my head where the box hit. I banged it hard to the point where I felt really lightheaded after and I needed to lay down.

I hurt myself physically because I was in so much pain mentally and emotionally.

That’s why I feel like people hurt themselves or kill themselves.

I’m still rooting for less stigma in mental health. I’m still trying my best to advocate for mental health.

But I’ve been struggling alot. And there are times like today where I want to give up.

It’s so hard.

Having depression is hard.

Having depression and anxiety is hard.

Having depression and anxiety and going through this with no support IS HARD.

-Mel