(RE)focus.

At some point within the last couple of days, I just felt like I was going to explode with the amount of thoughts circling around my head.

I’m pretty sure that’s what my last post was all about.

I wanted to spend this weekend (re)focusing.

I watched the movie To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (3 times because it’s amazing)

& got inspired to write letters.

Letters to No One. 

Basically it’s letters to certain people stating things I’ve wanted to tell them but can’t.

It’s in a notebook, it begins with “dear you”. It’s not something that I’m going to share.

But it includes the thoughts that just need to come out of my head and put down into words.

In a way it’ll give me some closure with my feelings by writing it down as if I’m talking to that specific person.

_________________

I spent this morning (trying) to re(focus).

I was planning to spend the morning at starbucks to work on work/resume/cover letter, etc. But the internet didn’t want to connect to my computer.

Instead I focused on (re)focusing my life.

I basically wrote down the categories that I started but never finished because of the overwhelming amount of anxiety I’m experiencing lately.

  1. Organization: I started organizing and decluttering my room at the beginning of the summer. In the midst of all the chaos, I stopped. I wrote down the rest of the areas I need to focus on. And I’m proud of myself that I finished one area last night pretty quickly.
  2. New Job. This is an ongoing category that scares me sometimes. I finished my resume but I still need my cover letter and actually apply to jobs.
  3. Mental Health: I started the process of finding therapists, I just need to go on the next step of making appointments and such. And making my mental health my first priority.
  4. The last one are just small things I need to within the next couple of weeks.

I felt like that helped stopped the overwhelming amount of thoughts swirling around my head. Putting everything in categories helped me focus on what I need to do.

 

Going to write more letters.

& (re)focus.

Have a good week!

-Mel

OVER being OVERwhelmed.

Why?

When I feel like life starts to calm down and I can focus.

Things happen, then thoughts appear, then it turns to one worry to many worries and then it leads to being OVERWHELMED. Then I can’t focus anymore.

Why??

I can’t even count how many times I’ve been overwhelmed in the past 5-6 months.

Events +unexpected occurrences+ stress just like to appear in clusters. 

It can’t just happen one at a time…oh no. It needs be the entire package. 

I feel like the past few days, I’ve tried my best to distract myself and give myself mental breaks. I can just feel the anxiety in the center of my body and I feel like if something sets it off that it’ll just explode.

Oh and then that one random thought that you don’t need to worry about until like late next week just casually appears in your head at 10:30 at night.

Oh and then that other random thought that you don’t need to worry about at this current time, not until this weekend, appears after that.

That’s just cruel.

Why??

And of course it appears at a time, when I should be sleeping.

My body is so exhausted, but my mind feels like it could run a mile. 

My mind is battling my body every night. 

My body wants to sleep….

but my mind wants to think about every possible worst scenario about my entire life and stay awake.

I hope that my body will win.

I’m exhausted.

Good night.

-Mel

 

The TWO things that make me happy.

The TWO things that make me happy.

Disney & Paramore. 

Happiness is something so rare and so precious to me.

It’s not just being happy.

It’s pure and absolute joy.

It’s the ability to focus on what’s going on NOW, not thinking about the past or future.

It’s not having all these worried thoughts bouncing around my head.

It’s about crying, not for feeling sad, but for feeling happy.

It’s about feeling like myself.

There are two times this year where I have felt unbelievably happy.

And it’s been years since I’ve been this happy.

________________

First.

April. Disneyland.

I used to be an annual pass holder and going to Disneyland was something so special to me and my best friend. I am not a pass holder anymore and I miss those times.

Naturally, my best friend had her bachelorette party there.

It was one of my dream Disney weekend with the most incredible, generous and caring individuals that I’ve ever met.

Every moment was incredible.

There was this one particular moment where I just cried from smiling so much.

That weekend was the first time I rode the Guardians of the Galaxy ride. I admit I wasn’t really into it because it replaced my favorite ride.

But I still wanted to ride it. I didn’t want any spoilers, I wanted to experience the ride without any background knowledge to be surprised.

From that first drop and the music came on…mann that was the greatest feeling. 

That pure and absolute JOY.

I was in shock, then so happy and then cried.

It was probably due to the fact that I haven’t been that happy in years.

I didn’t think about anything else. I was living in that moment.

___________________

Second. 

July (2 weeks ago). PARAMORE.

It had been long overdue for a Paramore concert.
I was supposed to go 4 days after graduation.

But depression hit me so hard that I couldn’t see them.

I needed that show.

Hayley said in the beginning of the show that all we need to worry about is” laughing, crying and dancing and overall having a good time”.

And that’s all I did for that night.

From their first song all the way to the last song.

Again, it was pure and absolute joy.

Again, I was living in the moment. I didn’t think about anything else.

All I did was sing along to my favorite songs, dance and enjoy the night with my best friend.

I have been a fan of Paramore since I was 15. I am 29 now.

It has been the greatest feeling growing up with them. Because they write songs that relate to what we are going through. Whether it’s about falling in love, breakups, friendships, depression, mental illness and growing up.

And hearing those songs live…

Wow. It means a lot to me.

Because there are certain songs that I listened to, during particular times in my life.

I listened to “Misguided Ghosts” a lot when I wanted to end my life. It wasn’t triggering anything. But those lyrics just knew exactly how I felt.

These past couple of months when depression hit me hard, I’ve been listening to “26” and letting myself cry. And that song allowed me to cry when I was holding it in. Because those lyrics felt like they were just taken out of my mind and my heart.

There are songs where I just danced, sang along and had the greatest time.

I needed that night. I needed that show. I needed those songs.

That show came during a time when I needed it.

_____________________

With those two events, I felt like I was able to breathe.

I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe these past months or this whole year.

I feel like I’ve been so stressed, overwhelmed and filled with depression and anxiety that I can’t breathe or relax.

I did not feel like have to hold my breath worrying about the past or future.

______________

I can’t go to Disneyland and a Paramore concert on a daily basis.

But I’m glad to know that for those few moments that I was happy.

 

-Mel

 

 

My feelings written into words.

I could feel it today.

Depression was creeping up into my life.

Instead of fighting it, I embraced it.

Because I knew that something was wrong and I just shrugged it off.

I needed depression to come as weird as it sounds.

Because I needed to come into terms with how I truly feel.

Whenever I have nights like this, when I need to cry.

I listen to music that captures how I feel.

My favorite band ever since I was 15 is Paramore. 

& I don’t think it’s too common to grow up with your favorite band. Somehow they write songs that feels like they reached into my heart and turned my feelings into words. 

14 years of songs that explains how I feel.

I had many nights like this where I just lay in bed, have a song or two that explains my feelings on repeat and just cry….

Because sometimes that’s what you need… is to cry.

On a side note:

I was supposed to go to a Paramore concert 4 days after graduating college. I was the happiest I have ever been that day.  The day after graduation I was at my lowest point. Depression hit me so hard that day and the days, weeks, months, years following graduation. I couldn’t go to my favorite band’s concert because my depression hit me so hard. & I feel like the reason why I couldn’t go is because the venue was at my college..

Years later, I’m going back to see my favorite band (in a month, uhh in a couple of weeks). I already know I’m going to cry.

I’m so thankful for music.

For being able to create something that fully encompasses my feelings and puts it into music and lyrics.

-Mel

I fooled myself.

For a moment sometime in the past 2 weeks, I made myself believe that I was okay.

I make everyone believe that I’m okay but I’m just fooling them.

I fooled myself.

I made myself believe that I was okay.

But deep deep down in myself, there was my depression and anxiety just telling me that I’m okay.

I kept on overthinking about something that was at all related to my current life. And then started overthinking about something else.

Then seeing one thing leads to one thought, then I just start crying for 10 minutes and touching my heart because I feel like I can’t breathe.

And the depression hits and I start hating myself. I hate that I’m 29 and not married or engaged. I hate that I still can’t afford my own place. I hate that I’m not happy with my life.

It goes darker and then I’m in the fetal position crying and screaming into my comforter.

Then I put Paramore’s “Last Hope” to make me “feel” my emotions even more.

More thoughts drive into my brain.

How come no one helps?

I still get those false statements about listening to me and helping me.

But they don’t.

I still don’t get it.

They’re lies.

I hate doing this on my own.

I hate these feelings.

-Mel

Bye Year 28.

 

Another tough year in the books.

I didn’t go to Disneyland like I usually do.

I wanted to relax on the days leading up to my birthday.

I had so much anxiety/anxiety attacks/panic attacks/teeth clenching within the past 6 months that all I wanted for my birthday was not to feel anxious anymore. 

I didn’t want my body to feel tense, I didn’t want my jaw and teeth to be in pain from all the anxiety and stress that I’ve been experiencing.

I got a massage on Saturday which relaxed my body. I spent yesterday eating at my favorite breakfast place and getting Sprinkles cupcakes and watching Harry Potter.

Today I didn’t let work get to me. I didn’t let the little things get to me. I didn’t let what happened on Friday affect me.

I’m spending the hours left of being 28 looking at baby photos of myself, listening to my favorite band since I was 15…Paramore and NOT letting the “what ifs”/overthinking affect me.

For my birthday, I don’t want depression and anxiety to take over. 

Whatever happened in the past on my birthdays…lets leave it there for now.

Weeks leading up to my birthday makes me upset and anxious. And I think it’s because of the plan that I made when I was a teenager.

By my 18th birthday, I wanted to end my life. 

I made it past 18 and I’m turning 29 in a couple of hours. 

Life can be unfair, life can be stressful and life can make you upset, life can feel like shit.

But I’m here now and I’m still living.

Happy Birthday.

Here’s to Year 29. 

-Mel

 

 

I can’t breathe.

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath waiting for something good to happen.

And I just feel like I keep on getting knocked down and can’t breathe.

I hate that I feel this way.
I hate how no matter how hard I try or how hard I work to make my life better…

I will always get knocked down by someone or something and I have no one to help me up.

I’m tired of this never-ending cycle of feeling like shit, feeling worthless and feeling that I can’t do this anymore.

When will it end?

When can I live my life and feel like I can breathe again?

-Mel.

This is what Depression likes to do…

This week had its downs and ups, then it came down again.

As stated in my previous posts,

I had a pretty rough start to my week.

(BTW I started writing this on Saturday, but got so depressed that I’m finishing it on a Sunday).

I had my (official first) Back to School Night on Thursday.

I had nerves about it all week, but for some reason it didn’t turn into anxiety. I got nervous as it got closer to the time, because I had no clue what I was going to say. Also, I was worried that a parent was going to have a question that I didn’t know the answer too. And worst case scenario, a parent having concerns or upset about something.

But, it turned out to be the complete opposite.

All but 3 parents showed up. It was a pretty chill environment. They loved how our classroom looked like, they all seemed excited. I was NOT nervous, which says a lot because I hate talking in front of people.  They all seemed pretty happy at the end of it. Parents stayed till 15 mins after talking to us. But they were all positive responses. They were all excited for homework, the class, etc.

I felt great.

I haven’t felt this great about myself in so long.

But then Friday came..

I had a great sleep…didn’t wake up in the middle of the night and slept around 10:30pm.

But I woke up feeling like I only had 2 hours of sleep.

I felt so exhausted, had a huge headache and felt like I could fall asleep at any moment.

I had no motivation. I did the easiest activity for my kids, because I didn’t want to do anything.

I thought it was because I was tired from getting everything ready for Back to School night the day before. Or maybe, I was getting sick again because of the weather change.

That whole Friday night, I had no appetite because I felt so nauseous.

That exhaustion, sleepiness, lack of appetite, headache and nauseous feeling extended its stay until Saturday and now Sunday.

It took me awhile to figure out why I was feeling this way.

Then I started feeling irritable. Every little thing is bothering me and it’s making my anxiety increase.

I went to refresh myself in physical symptoms of depression. Because I just felt like it was something more than a cold or sinus infection.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/physical-symptoms

So I found out that I am greatly experiencing the physical symptoms of depression.

It makes sense.

This is what depression does.

I can’t really figure out what to say. Because I’m just so tired and not in the mood.

But I wanted to let you guys know about this.

 

-Mel

 

When am I going to change my life? 

It’s only Tuesday and I’m already feeling anxious and overwhelmed. 

Things are out of my control. 

And I don’t like it. I don’t think anyone likes it when there life is going a different way than they want it to go. 

I wanted this week to be the start of changing my life. Getting my resume done, looking for jobs, budgeting my money, etc. 

I wanted to work on my resume’ this weekend, but I didn’t feel good physically. I was tired, had a sore throat & had a huge headache. 

I have to do errands but it’s giving me so much anxiety that I have to do it another day.

I was looking forward to having a Disney Day in the beginning of October with my friend. But she can’t, and she tells me that she don’t think she can at this moment. I need that Disney day. 

I feel like my boss is discussing things more with my co-teacher as if she’s the lead teacher. And she’s still pretty much new. And basically, I’m just nothing. Oh, I still haven’t gotten that “promotion” that I was told I was going to get before summer started. 

I honestly feel worthless. 

I’m trying to be strong and trying to be motivated.

But I can’t. 

I can feel the anxiety building up in me. These small, but the shitty things that keep on coming up in my life are going to make me explode.

I know I have a lot of things to do and worry about.

But I need to focus on my mental health right now. 

If I need another day or days to calm my anxiety, then I have to do it.

Or else this anxiety inside me will…

I don’t know.

I texted the Crisis Text Line last time.

So I guess we have to decrease this anxiety before it escalates. 

-Mel 

Oh hey, I have Depression.

Today.

September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I have thought about ending my life numerous times in my 28 years of life.

Sometimes those thoughts were too close to…

Well. I’m here now.

I have been going back and forth with the thought of spreading awareness about mental illness, by exposing my own battles.

Especially on social media to family, friends, etc. (well on Instagram).

But today, I don’t care. I have been posting on Instagram showing clips of depression, how people perceive depression, songs that have helped me with depression and even this post.

I want everyone to understand mental illness. I want to spread awareness about it and stop the stupid stigma.

When you tell people that you have depression, they aren’t necessarily there for you.

They stay away.

Sure, some of them say to call them whenever you need them. But, they don’t respond when you actually need them. 

One of my friends always stays away whenever I say anything close to depression, not even saying the word depression.

It’s very obvious in text. Whenever I would share my feelings, I don’t get any response. It could be days, weeks and even months (the most was 6 months) where we didn’t talk.

But as soon as I mentioned something else completely different from depression, she would finally respond.

Cousins and other family members think that when I’m feeling depressed that they should just stay away and not talk to me. Especially during family get-togethers.

For the past year, I’ve been so tired of just pretending to be okay around my family. So I’m quiet and typically keep to myself. So, they just stay away as if I have a disease that’s contagious.

Many people do that.

They think that depression or any type of mental illness is contagious.

If they’re happy and you’re depressed, they stay away. They don’t want your sadness to affect their happiness.

That’s the way it is sadly.

I have written about how I wanted to die before. So I’m not going to repeat myself.

I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive. 10 years later after I wanted to die.

But I want everyone who has depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts to know:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

I am here for you. I understand and know what you are going through.

There are many people out there who feel the same way.

We can get through this together.

 

-Mel